Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

Ask yourself, what would you advise your daughter if she had written your OP - sorry I know you think he is wonderful but you can't expect folk not to gossip, it is a bit unusual to say the least.

Personally I wouldn't be doing what you are doing but you are happy to do it and he's happy to take it so there's no problem or nothing to save really.

Latent sexism. If you are happy then you'll have to learn to let other peoples opinions wash over you.
If he's unhappy with the situation then he has two choices, to dump you and leave or to continue to pull himself out of his financial situation and get on a more even footing.

In the meantime, it is somewhat destructive in terms of your relationship to refuse to do any activities which have to be solely funded by you. You need to have a chat about reaching a balance there, whether there's a specific set of activities / holidays/ nice meals that are important to you; and pointing out how he enhances your life and that of your child.

It would be a bit humiliating to be the partner who's spouse always pays the bill if it's a michellin starred meal /get together with your financially successful friends. It's easily solved in terms of the public humiliation part with a joint account/debit card for food/entertainment on a monthly /annual basis.

DH and I don't have equal salaries but are considerably closer than the financial situation you describe. It is really tricky sometimes. One thing to consider is whether you should downscale your lifestyle for a few years apart from special occasions and build up a financial nest egg for uni fees/retirement/a yacht when you turn 50/whatever. Feel the financial pain somewhat once the mortgage and basic bills are paid? Who knows what's around the corner for any of us.

I don't think the genders were reversed there'd be no gossip, mainly because many woman I know who've married for money or seen as being rather gold digging do tend to be seen negatively and looked down on by the friends and family of the richer male. Also, those woman are normally taking on a 'housewife' role, are you bank rolling everything and still doing the bulk of the housework, running the house, sorting the childcare/things for your DD as well?

Any man who was a single father who moved in a girlfriend who'd happened to just lose her job and then supported her for 3 years while she either didnt work or just sort of did bits of work here and there, most people would think he was cynically looking for a nanny/housekeeper.

I don't think there's a problem per se but I am a bit as to how you extended the offer to move into your house if he lost his job before you met. What was he doing? Why were you happy to blend 2 families together (your dd and his dcs) together so quickly for the sake of his money? That's the only bit I don't understand. Do you intend to marry this man? I guess I don't have a good sense of where you want the relationship to be headed - and maybe an inkling you're not in the same page as him.

Lots of couples have vastly different incomes. It's just that it's more often the woman who has the smaller one. Would people be equally dismissive if that were the case? Plenty of cupcaking/ twigs-and-pebbly-shit-crafting etc. type jobs which wouldn't support a mortgage on their own are only viable because of a solidly-earning hubby...

All this talk of "bankrolling" is really nasty and sneery, not to mention showing a total lack of understanding of the uncertainties and unpredictabilities of the freelance/self-employed life.

If the OP's partner is a good person and contributes in other ways, why should he be the "Me Big Man, Me Provider, Me Thump Chest, Me Swagger About Earn Loadsa Cash, Snort Snort, Look At My Dick-Substitute Car" type?

I'm glad you're not bankrolling his fantasy career but I suppose you have to ask yourself if you're happy for the status quo to continue. If you're earning enough to pay private school fees while living a comfotable lifestyle then I doubt he's ever going to match you financially so either you need to accept that and sub him so you can do the things you want or just do them on your own. Or how about alternating? So sometimes you do things within his budget and other times you sub him so you can do something more expensive?

FWIW my friends in similar situations have children together so the women fund their partners' holidays etc

DadonIce - I can assure you that cupcaking/twigs and shit businesses get as much sneering from me and from most of MN

What do people define as a "fantasy career"? DW and I have a friend who is a serious musician, who had a couple of reasonably-successful CDs and then got dropped like a stone by his record company. He's still working on his music, doing bits of session work and teaching, but people ask him stuff like "when's the next album out?" and the truth is that he doesn't have a record label any more and is looking into releasing stuff himself on the Internet. By any definition it's a career, far more than just a hobby, but it hasn't earned him decent money in a long time.

I am in a bit of a similar situation.

When DP and I got together, I earned twice as much as him. We moved in together and I paid 2 thirds of the rent/bills/living expenses because that's what I considered fair and meant he/we could live somewhere nicer. He protested a bit, but I said it wasn't fair to me to live somewhere cheaper!

After a couple of years we decided to have DC and when I was about 6 months pregnant DP was made redundant. He had 10 yrs service so got a good pay out (so not the debt situation) and we used that to fund my maternity leave.

I'm now back at work (DS is 1) and DP is SAHD. He is self employed and earns a couple of hundred pounds a month working in the evenings. I pay all the bills, household expenses etc etc - his freelance income we use for holidays.

So far, so dreamy for us.

However his friends have made a couple of comments to us, one about him "landing on his feet", "having a cushy life", one made reference to us living off my parents (I don't get a penny from my DF, my DM died 15 years ago). if that's what they are saying to our face - they are probably saying much worse behind our back. My own friends & family have been very accepting although I've had a few colleagues raise an eyebrow when I say he is at home and not working.

I echo what a few other posters say. Every now and then I have to reassure DP that he is 'contributing' to the household even if not financially. All my income we consider to be family money, you may not want to go this far, yet.

As to the people 'saying things' - just ignore them, you know that your shared life is the way that you want it, and what it looks like from the outside is irrelevant.

Hi OP

Your post raises some really complex issues about equality in a relationship, inverted discrimination (I agree that your situation would not be so contentious in the eyes of others if it was a woman in the relationship was a lower earner); infantilisation etc.

I don't really want to enter into that side of the debate. For what it's worth, I think that 1. You certainly should NOT transfer him a chunk of inheritance! And 2. I agree that you shouldn't support him financially if he is pursuing a fantastical career. He has debts and he needs to do his best to pay these off while making a fair contribution to your household. He also has children to suppor. However, it may be that pursuing whatever line of career he is in, is the most sensible path as he may not be skilled or equipped to earn more money in another vocation OR he is on the road to a gradual increase in income in his current career. If either of these are applicable, then there is nothing wrong with what is happening.

What I thought it might be useful to contribute on was the issue of information sharing with your friends and family. This is really what you are concerned about in your post, and not your DPs salary etc.

your friends and family can only give their opinion if either you share this info with them OR they are hypothesising about the situation. If the former, stop sharing info now and going forward only share the positive less personal info. If the latter, when they do offer an opinion, tell them with the greatest of respect that you don't find it acceptable for them to comment on your Personal life and that in any case it is conjecture on their part. Ask them not to comment again and then change The topic.

By the way OP, I sympathise. I think it's hard for professional women because of entrenched conventional attitudes on earning power etc. if you believe this situation is REALLY AND TRULY right for both of you and you aren't doing the things set out above then forget about the haters. Best of luck

Goodness. I've just read through some of the recent comments. Some people are sooo snobbish and sexist.

I'm now starting to think that there are probably more people out there judging my life/lifestyle than I thought!

sod em.

Tango i think that the arrangement that you and your dp have is fantastic. No one would even blink if your roles were reversed but as it is just ignore the negative comments.

DadOnIce - that's a good example of a 'dreamer' career type, evidence to the contry that you'll not make a successful career out of it, (and in this case, career going backwards) but still ploding along because they aren't ready to give up and accept they can't do what they want for a living.

Often, the cupcakes and twigs and shit careers are carried out by wives who didn't start off imbalanced in rthe careers. Often it's woman who've given up work to have DCs then trying ot build a new life, or woman who started off both earning about the same then their DH's careers taking off and them steping back down to more of a 'support' role. (again, normally post DCs).

In this case, this isn't a couple who got together both earning similar amounts, then one's career took off and the other lost their job, or a couple where one was earning a bit less, but still paying a fair share of the bills then gave up work as a concious decision after having DCs.

This is a couple where the start position was vastly different. This isn't a couple making the most of changing circumstances, so it does look like to the outsider that even if unconciously done, the OP's DP has sought out someone to 'look after' him.

Tangoandcreditcards - I agree with you that it is sexist and wrong to judge a situation purely because the man I s a lower earner. I would only have some doubts in terms of whether what is happening in this situation is right because of some of the background facts I.e he has his own children (which means he needs to earn money to contribute to their upbringing) and he got himself into debt (which means that he should do the best that he can to get himself out of debt and that includes not pursuing a low paid if he could get better paid work and there is no prospect of his current salary increasing). I wonder whether some other posters criticisms silently stem from these background facts rather than just and out and out criticism of men who earn less than their partners.

my own friends & family have been very accepting although I've had a few colleagues raise an eyebrow when I say he is at home and not working I'm sure you don't mean not working (!), but that he's doing childcare! Childcare for a 1 year old is a job, it's one that has to be done by a parent or paid worker.

This is a slightly different situation, as the OP says her partner is working long hours just in a low paid job (although why this has to fit in evenings/weekends, I still don't know- is he doing childcare OP, no probs if he is at all as that is also a contribution but you are very vague on this point)?

I don't think SAHD's are that unusual nowadays, my husband was one for a few years (also worked evening and weekends). People who stay home and really don't work out of the home when the children are school age do get commented on, women just as much as men, there are threads on this all the time.

Oh dear OP ... I have just re-read your original post and don't think I picked up on the salient facts.

My main advice still remains the same I.e. That you were looking for advice on how to deal with friends and family's comments.

However....if like you say in your original post, He doesn't pay anything towards the household and can't even afford to buy his food, There is something very wrong with this. I would expect at the minimum that a man should contribute his living expenses to a household I.e money for rent and utilities and money for his food. If he can't do this then you are supporting him to exist and that is entirely unrealistic and isn't right (in the context of your relationship where you don't share dc and he has his own to support) He needs to find something's where he earns more and I would think that even a basic starter salary working in a phone shop for example would allow him to do this. If I am wrong about his and he really really can't earn more then I take It all back.... But I do wonder.... Surely he could?

The Op does say later on that he does the food shopping (or some of it).

The bigger issue is if you married. Another whole can of worms!

But if every "dreamer type career" gave up at a setback, we wouldn't have any artists, writers and musicians. (I'm not sure how relevant this is to the OP any more, so sorry if this is derailing a bit.) Plenty of people go undiscovered for years before they get a breakthrough, or have some professional success then take a dip, and then get a second chance.

his life would not crumble without you - he would find a way / find another person to live with . he might have some bad times but really he is a grown man, he would find a way...

you did not save him " >> Without my help, he would have been homeless"

and if you can afford to go to theatre restaurant etc then look him in eye and tell him you are going to these places and yes you are paying. it is totally daft to give up on things you and your dd like to keep him "happy" - if you can afford to keep him and go on trips then do it. it makes no sense to stop these things because he isnt "paying his way" when that is how it is. you are supporting him that is how it is. stop pretending it isnt.

if he doesn't want to go to save you the money he can stay home.

I don't understand why he is throwing his all into a self- employment that he hates? Surely the whole idea of self employment is to make the most of a talent/desire to work in that industry - and it's not even the industry he has experience in.
And I am guessing that if heirs doing 60+ hours in that work, then he isn't around to do the housework/ childcare? OP hasn't answered the questions about whether he has taken over this role.
If he is barely scratching a living at this self employment he would, as other have suggested, be much better off working for a wage.
Agreed too about the refusal/ reluctance to do/ go places - I know you WANT to reap the rewards for what your high wage affords you, but if he won't go then why are you martyring yourself and not just doing them alone or with someone else.
In regards finances, does he contribute to bills as well as food - I'm guessing that in order to know whether you feel justified in thinking he is NOT freeloading, you should know that he is contributing a fair amount, the sort of amount that he would have to shell out if he were living alone or house sharing with people on a similar wage to his own.
I find it odd to see how the 'homelessness' issue came around, because surely having lost a job he would have been entitled to benefits, including housing benefit.

Just out of interest OP, what is very little income?

For someone like you who clearly earns a lot, little income might be £20k a year.

It would help to know this as if he is working 60 hrs a week for less than £20,000 per year, then he is earning less than the minimum wage. I accept he is self employed so this doesn't apply to him but if he hates what he does, he may be better just working 60 hrs a week doing minimum wage jobs even if he hates them too.

Three years is a long time to not be able to make a better situation for yourself. If you live in the south there are jobs out there. We have very good employment prospects in this country. Is he older and so struggling due to age?

I don't think what your friends think is really the question. I'm sure you can ignore them. I think the bigger problem is that you have to compromise on the life you want to live because he won't accept the situation.

That is an unusual stance from a freeloader as they are more likely to accept anything as long as they aren't paying so my view is that it isn't this.

I would personally have no problem being the main earner but I would probably have steered clear of someone with loads of debt in the first place and I also wouldn't like compromising on the life I want and can afford because my partner can't accept me paying.

Also don't forget that when you give up on holidays, treats and days out because of him, you are denying your daughter these things too - so she suffers because of his pride - you put him before her. That's not great really.

DadOnIce: yes it's a world where men are still supposed to be "providers". I think parents are "providers" by virtue of their responsibility, as are carers for elderly etc, but not partners. However, in case of need people who care about each other do provide, no matter what gender role. I am glad you are a man who accepts that!
Napoleon: just to clarify - DP works full time PLUS evenings and weekends, but he earns less than on unemployment benefits. He was in the media sector for 13 years in good employment but now is nearly 50 and can't get back in. He also contributes to housework and childcare when he can. He even works when he is ill or injured - I'm actually worried about him. I earn about 20 times as much as he does, although most of my money goes into mortgage, school fees and savings. It does not hurt me to support him, he just doesn't accept it.
Cestlavie: I guess we rescued each other when we met - in different ways. Of course that is dramatising things - neither of us would have perished without the other, and yes he now is a position where he could leave and survive. I don't want to be a rescuer, i want to be half of a balanced, loving grown up relationship.

As for the judgement of others: friends who know him well like him, but less close friends and colleagues clearly think he's a sort of toy boy (although he's older than me, but looks very young). I can brush off their secret sniggering but it hurts me when my mum asks why I can't find a "rich guy" and when his ex accuses him of sponging. She (ex) is not poor, but earns much less than me and envies DP, although he pays more than his due in maintenance. I can understand where she is coming from but I find it petty. I like DP's kids very much and try to do fun things with all DC, but I don't dare to do anything remotely expensive with them so as not to upset her....