Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

crossroads
Now you have to work out which purchase was the
(1) straight man
(2) straight woman
(3) gay woman

What the hell kind of bag was it????

TalkingPeace: let me think....golf bag - straight man; handbag - straight woman; bike - gay woman. Hmmm that's a bit stereotypical. Handbag - straight man?

crossroads
Nearly right but not telling!
christina
so understated that a friend pushed it aside with her foot

My point is that people's finances and personal agreements are THEIRS

My MiL always criticised DH for the fact that I worked rather than relied on him.
I LIKE working.

I work part time ( still in a profession) as it suits my child care...my DH earns more in a month than I do in a year...no one questions why he is with me.....

I have to say, I don't understand a lot of the flak you're getting.

If what you say is true, then you AREN'T being taken for a ride. You're getting what you want out of this - a partner you love and can describe as having many good qualities. While he's doubtless being carried by you, you describe him as unwilling to take from you where it can be avoided, hardworking, contributing where he can. If that's true, then he may be stupid (previous decisions etc.) but he doesn't sound like a simple user or cocklodger. Or rather, if he is, then it's on your terms.

Clearly things can be improved, and that's where advice is wanted: sit him down and tell him some of the stuff you've said here about having a long-term attitude to this - if he's flinging himself around busting a gut working impossible hours for practically NO return simply because of 'male pride', tell him that that kind of male is possibly the least attractive or intelligent sight it's possible to behold, and to grow up and see the bigger picture - retraining etc.

Oh, okay, Sandy. Who died and appointed you board police? I think this guy's a freeloader. But it's the OP's life. If she wants to keep paying for him it's her business. But some people in her life will think what I do: that he's cocklodging. Meh.

sylvanian

Great post

crossroads you are describing how dh and I were at the start more or less (minus the ex with a daughter).

DH had his own house. Before we got together, he was living with a long term gf who ran up credit card bills as if they were going out of fashion. He took out a loan (secured on the house) to pay her bills off and she maxed her cards out again. He had a good job but not brilliantly paid which relied on a security clearance he then lost due to the debt levels. He went to work in the private sector, did some contracting, anything to keep the bills paid. His gf on the other hand spent more money then they earned and went through 12 jobs in one year (temp agency, she'd turn up on day 1 and not go back, if she even turned up at all). Then she left him.

When we met I had my first house, lowish mortgage, well paid job with security - he was a mess, with too much debt, applying for job after job, not getting anywhere permanent (contracts of some weeks here & there but not reliable). He sold his house, used the equity to pay some of the debt (by no means all) and moved in with me.

I supported us both in terms of mortgage / bills / food, any money he earned went into debt repayment. He refused to mix finances for a long while until I got pregnant and we got married at which point we put all income into one pot from which all bills including debts were paid.

Since then he's not had a full time salaried job - he stayed at home with the boys while they were babies, project managed our house build, runs the household admin, garden, DIY, does the admin for my private work (which pays him a small salary) - we've had the same comments you are worried about.

Over time (12 years) he has more than proved to the family who were concerned that their worries were groundless, but it took time. He gets the "man should provide" feelings sometimes but I always point out that he does provide many things that are vital for our family. We are a team and who earns money / who runs the house / who does exactly what - we both contribute in different ways. I couldn't have continued in the job I love (can have unpredictable hours and includes overnight and weekend work) without his support at home.

people who think women should not make more are old fashioned and outdated. It is something I expect from the 1950's and beyond in the U.S. It is really unfair that people would pay men higher wages than women for the same position.

ignore them.

One more thing to add:

I grew up in a relatively poor single parent family, but I had great support (from my mum, from teachers and from a government - not UK - which invested heavily in education) and was lucky to receive a scholarship for a very good university. I also worked hard, but no harder than most people.

DP comes from an abusive family who kicked him out at 16. He lived on the streets, dragged himself out but never managed to finish his education. He had no support.

I consider us both equally clever (albeit in different ways), and we have worked equally hard. We both made an equal amount of stupid decisions in our lives, but I ended up being in the right place at the right time and he didn't.

It could so easily have been the opposite.

Perhaps then he doesn't want to be totally reliant on someone in case he is kicked out again...

HicDraconics and Sylvanian - thank you for great posts. This is so helpful!

Christina: yes this has crossed my mind. Because of his past he is insecure, and that doesn't help. He's had therapy and since we met he's getting more confident. But the job situation is wearing him down, understandably.

The job situation won't get any better if he doesn't take a step back from it and tries something else...if the situation was reversed what would he want you to do?

I think some of the responses on here are a bit ridiculous. The fact that you support him financially is not an issue. However, you say he has learnt his lesson after making stupid decisions - I would question that point. As someone else said, working crazy hours for almost no money to satisfy "pride" is silly. If he's happy to work stupid hours there are other jobs that probably pay better but that aren't particularly enjoyable.

I think the conversation ou should be having is about how you get to a place where you are both happy and contributing, whether hats financial or otherwise. Him being home more to take on childcare, DIY etc might actually be more valuable.

vecause, imo, no one working 60+ hours should be earning so low that they continue to feel like they are sponging completely. Dh is primary cater for ds. Earns between -£300-500 a month only. But that IS A contribution - ds is looked after and his income pays out ocado Bill plus.

What many of you are describing are men who don't work at all/don't earn much because they're looking after your children.

The OP's partner isn't doing that.

I also think it's utterly bizarre that he's working 60+ hours/week for £50. Why would anyone do that? If he wants to get himself on an even footing/pay off his debts/support his four children, then why doesn't he get a minimum wage job?

And why is the OP not answering any questions about how he lost his house?

I don't believe men need to be the 'breadwinner'. I'm a single professional homeowning parent and I've never been financially reliant on a man. Ever.

OP - you asked me how you were infantilising him. It's by treating him like there's some big reason he's not able to turn this financial situation around on his own and your (frankly bizarre) idea to pretend to leave him an inheritance so that he can solve his financial problems instantly. Honestly - does that sound like a grown up relationship to you?

.

I find the ingrained sexism of this thread gobsmacking.

Women are not queried when they marry well, have another kid by the new man and then drive the lot to and from private schools

WTF have we got the right to query it when the high earner is a woman?

Shock, horror, probe
some couples enjoy each other's company with a totally shared set of finances

I begin to thing that the MN chorus of LTB should actually mean leave the board

Eh? The OP and her partner don't have any children together and he's out of the house 60+ hours a week earning tuppence so don't suppose he does much child-ferrying

as long you are fine with it, and still be able pay your bills with your current salary, then I don't see the problem. And it is between tyou two. everyone else should mind their business

"I am seriously considering secretly funneling an "inheritance" from some unknown great-aunt into his account - anyone have an idea how to do this?"

right now, I can't find the OP to this quote, but sounds to me that you need to talk to your DP if you feel like you need more income coming in.

I have read the thread with a lot of interest as I am in a similar financial situation. Although I do not think that DH is with me for the money (as we had been together for many years before he lost his job and before my salary grew to its current level) I often also find myself questioning whether DH is too comfortable to try harder and at the same time making excuses for him. OP, I feel that you also have mixed feelings and to a certain extent and deep down are not entirely happy with your DP's level of contribution. I could be wrong though and just projecting my feelings. There have been some very valuable contributions on this thread that have been a wake up call for me, making me realise how "soft" I have been with my DH, who is also putting in too much effort for little income (in a creative industry). The saving grace for my DH is that he is looking after 2 DC at the same time.
We live in a world of role reversal and peoples attitudes should change and certainly not matter to you, OP. However, it is important, in my view, that you ensure that you are happy with the situation and not just taking yourself into a false sense of satisfaction. There will always be people who will judge other people unfairly and often maliciously - there is no getting away from this.

HGV licence. London employers like Tesco, Royal Mail and DHL pay 30k for 48 hour weeks. If you ever cash up and move away, it's a portable qualification.

OddFodd - some clarifications on the facts: DP lost his house when he left his ex and did not ask for any share in the joint home. He then moved to a tiny place and found when he lost his job he could not afford the rent. He may have received housing benefit but would have been very far from his children.

I agree the job situation is ridiculous - he was desperate to earn something and ended up being abused by a greedy middleman in the property business. He earns less than minimum wage factoring in all the time he spends travelling and finishing work at home, but it's all he has right now that enables him to pay for his kids (2 minors) and his debt repayment plan; whatever is left goes to our bills.

He helps with DD whenever he can but she's 10 and doesn't need that much childcare. He also cooks meals and helps in the household, but I do not want him to do more than that - I am not his employer, I am his partner. I feel that paying for his work would make the imbalance even greater.