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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop resenting my husband's hobby?

106 replies

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 13:38

I'm very lucky with my husband, he treats me extremely well and I'm very happy with him. Which is why I need to not resent his hobby. I actually have no reason at all to feel this way, so I don't know why I do!

DH is a keen cyclist. He has been into cycling since before I met him, and I married him a little under a year ago knowing that he spent a fair amount of time out on one of his various bikes.

A week usually consists of this:

Up and out on his bike at 5 one or two weekdays, back home by 8 at the latest.

Up and out at 6 some Saturdays, back by 12.00

Up and out at 6 most Sundays, back by 11.30

Early night the night before an early morning, so usually Tue, Thu (sometimes), Fri (sometimes), Sat. Falls asleep on sofa in evening when has had early morning. He always apologises for this.

So, there is no reason at all for me to resent it - he does most of his cycling/training early in the morning so it doesn't really affect me (apart from not seeing him those mornings, but that's me being precious). He's home at a reasonable hour. He works hard during the week, is kind, thoughtful and considerate, and will willingly do any extra jobs I ask him to do.

Please could I have some tips and advice on how to adjust my thinking and feelings on this please? I don't want him to have any clue that I feel anything other than completely supportive of this one and only hobby he has.

TIA.

OP posts:

BeautyQueenFromMars · 26/02/2015 13:39

Just to clarify, during the week he gets up at 5 to cycle before work, then he cycles again after work and gets home by 8 in the evening.

Kewcumber · 26/02/2015 13:40

Do you have children together?

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 13:41

What is it that you resent? The time he sleeps in the evenings?

Do you not have any hobbies?

Vivacia · 26/02/2015 13:41

What do you actually resent?

Original poster

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 13:41

Argh!! Name change fail

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 13:42

I think OP means he goes out at 5am and is back by 8am.

26Point2Miles · 26/02/2015 13:42

what is it you are resenting? the money? time out doing it? or the fact you are left at home? don't you have a hobby yourself?

sneepy · 26/02/2015 13:42

Well, I don't think the week day schedule is bad, DH is out of the house those hours most of the time (work or hobby) but taking the weekends to himself like that is not on. Why did he get married if he wanted to keep living like a single person? Do you ever get to spend any time with him?

Original poster

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 13:43

No children together, we have one each from previous relationships. Mine lives with us.

I don't know exactly what I resent, that's the problem! I just know my heart sinks when he says he's going out, and I feel grumpy when he's out.

No, I don't have any hobbies. Maybe that's the problem - he's got something he loves and does, and I don't.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 26/02/2015 13:44

Is there an interest that you have, which you do on your own, that you could plan to do on the days and times when he's not around? Reading, making something, going for a walk, catching up with a friend on the phone (obviously not at 5am!) or just watching a TV show he doesn't like?

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 13:46

Yes you need to find a hobby you can do just for yourself. Perhaps it is that which you resent? The fact he has a passion?

What have you always thought you would like to do? A language? Dancing? DIY? Volunteering? Painting?

Vivacia · 26/02/2015 13:46

It sounds as you are jealous.

Vivacia · 26/02/2015 13:47

"Envious"!

Original poster

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 13:47

Sorry, during the week he leaves the house at 5am and gets home by 8pm.

And the weekends he is home by lunchtime.

I do love reading, but Saturday mornings are taken up with housework.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 26/02/2015 13:48

Wow 8pm is a late time to be getting home. Is that due to cycling?

BeautyQueenFromMars · 26/02/2015 13:49

Yes, I think you are right, I am envious! Which is not a good thing, obviously.

I've never had any particular interests to be honest. I've always loved reading, but that can be done in bed/the bath/on the loo. I don't have anything that is just for me, that I spend time dedicated to.

Original poster

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 13:50

God, I've done it again with the NC fail!

Yes, the 8pm return is due to cycling, but it is usually no more than 2 days in the week.

OP posts:

rb32 · 26/02/2015 15:57

It doesn't sound too bad. So three or four mornings a week he gets up early, and he's late in twice a week. You don't see him in the morning at weekends.

Could be worse though. Imagine him as a lazy slob that sleeps in til 12 at the weekends and doesn't bother getting up early enough during the week to have brekkie with you. Or imagine he's deep into online gaming that means his in a virtual world at all times.

Or start cycling with him?

Seriouslyffs · 26/02/2015 16:00

Lol @ name change fail. That sounds like a lot of time, I think I'd be jealous of the time he's spending away too. I've also heard the same from other partners of cyclists.

Drew64 · 26/02/2015 16:29

Sneepy

but taking the weekends to himself like that is not on. Why did he get married if he wanted to keep living like a single person? Do you ever get to spend any time with him?

Really????

AndWhenYouGetThere · 26/02/2015 16:45

I think there's a compromise to be had here. One day of the weekend where he stays in - no cycling that day - and has breakfast with you and your DC?

As to changing your mindset, I think it's already been said - you need a hobby. Craft/Reading/Sport/Language Learning etc?

Millipedewithherfeetup · 26/02/2015 17:00

I think i understand how you are feeling, basically you think that you are not a priority ? He us happy doing his thing and probably thinks that all is good with you, its tricky, but unless you tell him you feel a bit left out especially at weekends things are unlikely to change, can only suggest you and child get a bike too, then all of you can be out and about at the weekend together, see how it goes, with the weather picking up yiu might enjoy ? Good luck and wising you well.

MatildaTheCat · 26/02/2015 17:10

My DH also has a non negotiable hobby which takes up most of one whole day at the weekends and any other time he can wangle it. I used to be resentful but really there's just no point, it really is non negotiable. So I accept it, plan my life around it and do something else.

It doesn't seem fair that you get Landed with the housework, though. Could that be done another time or can you leave things for him to do?

Sorry, i do get it but I doubt if he will change so you might as well change your own feelings about it.

Original poster

SelfishMiseryGuts · 26/02/2015 17:16

I know it's not that bad, I'm very lucky compared to many others. Which is why I need help to stop resenting it. It's not his cycling that is the problem, it's my attitude towards it.

I missed Sneepy's comment earlier. He really doesn't act like a single man at all, he's a great husband, I get the majority of his attention at home, and he's a really good step-dad. And if I were ever to ask him to give up the cycling (which I wouldn't because he loves it), then he would do so.

I'm the one with the issue here, and you've all helped me realise that it's down to being envious/jealous that he has a hobby that he loves and does regularly, and I don't. So I shall start looking at how to change that.

Unfortunately I won't be going cycling with him, as I loathe cycling so much I actually feel like crying when I have to cycle to work. I will find something else though.

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 26/02/2015 17:20

OP, I wonder if this could be an abandonment issue? That it's linked in some way to more general/older feelings about being 'left'?

I also think there can be a tendency for women especially to put themselves last, and that having something that you also love and enjoy doing is key (I am as guilty of this as anyone!).

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