How do I stop resenting my husband's hobby?

[SelfishMiseryGuts]

I'm very lucky with my husband, he treats me extremely well and I'm very happy with him. Which is why I need to not resent his hobby. I actually have no reason at all to feel this way, so I don't know why I do!

DH is a keen cyclist. He has been into cycling since before I met him, and I married him a little under a year ago knowing that he spent a fair amount of time out on one of his various bikes.

A week usually consists of this:

Up and out on his bike at 5 one or two weekdays, back home by 8 at the latest.

Up and out at 6 some Saturdays, back by 12.00

Up and out at 6 most Sundays, back by 11.30

Early night the night before an early morning, so usually Tue, Thu (sometimes), Fri (sometimes), Sat. Falls asleep on sofa in evening when has had early morning. He always apologises for this.

So, there is no reason at all for me to resent it - he does most of his cycling/training early in the morning so it doesn't really affect me (apart from not seeing him those mornings, but that's me being precious). He's home at a reasonable hour. He works hard during the week, is kind, thoughtful and considerate, and will willingly do any extra jobs I ask him to do.

Please could I have some tips and advice on how to adjust my thinking and feelings on this please? I don't want him to have any clue that I feel anything other than completely supportive of this one and only hobby he has.

TIA.

So do you never get to go anywhere or do anything together as a family at the weekends? I would find that hard to deal with.

What about when his child is staying with you - does he cut back?

you should think about this a different way around....

everyone needs exercise to stay healthy, your DP is doing it in a great way by using a hobby to keep fit.

If you did the same (keep fit) and he didn't support you , then you would have something to grumble about!

Soon as I read the title, I wondered if it was cycling!
Sorry, not much to add other than that sounds like reasonable training time for a keen/ decent standard cyclist ( not helpful, I know!)
My OH and last year I decided to give it a go myself and haven't looked back. ( lots of good social stuff through cycling club too) Is cycling really that bad for you? Have you looked to join women only Breeze rides or similar? Or does he do anything like time trialling or racing that you could get involved in by spectating / supporting?
Sounds like you've got a very fair / very understanding view on it all and hope you find something that suits you.

OP, I could have written this! My DP is also a cyclist (although he's only been in to it for just over a year) and I feel the exact same way. It's really odd as he doesn't actually do anything unreasonable at all, but I just feel a bit deflated by the whole thing. He cycles to and from work (15 miles each way, would be the same amount of time if he took the car due to traffic) and often does a club ride on a Sunday (leaves at 8am and back early afternoon). I think my issue is that he has this great hobby that he's really in to and I want the same for myself We have a 14mo dd and I am just constantly tired and can't see myself fitting a hobby in even though DP tries to encourage me. Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to share that we have a similar story

OP I know what you mean. DH has a hobby and I resented the time it took up. But now I've found a good group of friends and I try to meet up with them about once a month. Just having some time on away doing doing something I enjoyed and is just for me has really helped. And DH is happy that I've found something that I enjoy so I'm happier about his hobby.

I have not read most replies but I feel for you op. DH had a hobby which meant he was gone 2 full evenings and a most of a weekend day and we had 2 kids and both had full time work. I moaned on a forum (before I discovered Mumsnet) and was told I was being unreasonable but tbh I still think that was bs. Also I got a lot of why don't you get a hobby too comments. So I did and then our 2 hobbies often clashed (his was training for a sport where the matches were on different days) and dh finally saw why I was not so keen and also the kids missed out on both of us until I became pregnant on number 3 and had to drop my hobby. Sorry about the long rant.

In the end we both pared back hobbies for different reasons and took up more social and family friendly hobbies. It has made us much happier as a family.

I'm not sure about abandonment issues, but you might have something there about being left/priorities. My most significant other LTR was with a man who used me, and would constantly drop plans with me for pretty much anything else that came along. DH would never do that, but I was in that old relationship on and off for a decade. I've only been with DH a few years.

We do get to do stuff as a family, as we will have weekends visiting people and he is home afternoons and evenings at the weekends. See - he's completely reasonable about it all!

Honestly, he isn't the problem at all, his cycling isn't the problem, it's ME!

I can't see myself ever enjoying cycling to the extent that I'd join clubs or do races, but I could possibly go for family bike rides. DH would have to slow himself right down though! His cycling is all about how far he can travel and how long it takes him. I will happily attend races, but he does things like London-Brighton and I'm not really sure about travelling all the way there and back alone (quite a long way from where we live) just to wave him off or cheer him across the finishing line.

Felix Maybe you can spend the odd Sunday morning in bed catching up on sleep whilst DH looks after DD? Not exactly a hobby, but you might eventually summon up some energy to think about getting one

I will start thinking about what I'm interested in, and see if I can find a passion for myself.

anothernumberone I'm glad you managed to resolve your hobby problems!

Your story also sounds familiar to me.

In our household, we have compromised on ONE ride per weekend. That way we still have a full day per weekend to spend as a family, and have a day out if wanted.

I use the time when DH rides to try to get all of the jobs done, DCs' homework etc.

Thanks Selfish. I'm sorry you feel this way but it's nice to know I'm not alone! DP actually bought me a lovely road bike and loads of kit hoping I could get in to it too and I'm trying but just can't fit it in! He's training for his first race too next month so I'm trying to support him the best I can.

I think family bike rides is a good compromise in the meantime, if you can do that? We are going to start doing it once dd is a bit older

I also think there can be a tendency for women especially to put themselves last, and that having something that you also love and enjoy doing is key (I am as guilty of this as anyone!)

I did witness this with my parents. My dad always had his hobbies. One was horses which as any horsey type knows is both expensive and very time consuming. Both my parents worked full time and we were comfortable, mum was the higher earner and could have afforded to have an equally expensive hobby but for some reason she didnt and instead resented my dad for his. Looking around their house there are ornaments, photos, paintings, trophies etc all indicating his hobbies (he is into vintage cars now) when i think of buying him gifts i know what he would love. I have a sense of his passion and who he is. But with my mum i struggle. There is nothing that springs to mind when i think "what does my mum like to do" all i can think of is her job (which she does love) but i think it is quite sad that that is all i can think of. There is more to her than that.

It had made me determined to let my DC see me indulging in things i get joy out of. I am a single parent so it is a bit trickier to have free time and spare cash but i am slowly starting to get a better sense of myself and what i enjoy doing.

Do you get lumbered with all the housework, shopping, admin etc?

Does your dc have a hobby? Mine do, and that takes up similar time at weekends. Could you do something fun with your dc instead? Then when he gets in, he can Hoover and clean the loo, cook dinner? Whilst you do your hobby?

Does he do this all year round and what about holidays?

I understand totally OP, so what if it's unreasonable, you feel how you feel.

When my DH does his hobby, I really try not to do housework, because that makes me resentful. The problem is that if you don't do it then it eats into your time together.

Getting a hobby yourself doesn't really work, because you either feel passionately about something or you don't, it's hard to force it.

It would be nice if you could wake up together occasionally, that's not unreasonable, surely. I would hate being so organised all the time.

NormHonal I'm glad you found a compromise that works for you.

Felix Good luck to your DP for his race next month, and I hope that you get time to yourself soon!

SurlyCue You've made me realise that DS couldn't really point to anything that I love doing, apart from reading. Another reason to find something that's mine iyswim!

lavender No, not at all. We do most things together, and some he will do himself. I do more housework, but I work fewer hours, and that arrangement was my idea. My DS is really only into computer games, mainly Minecraft, and whilst I do spend a little time on that with him, it's not really my thing. As it gets warmer, we will go out more as a family in the early evenings during the week, and at weekends in the afternoons.

DH doesn't do so much cycling during the winter months, it's usually one day in the week and one weekend morning. Holidays are holidays and he doesn't take his bike. Although that may happen in the future, we've only had a couple of holidays together!

rusty Thank you! If I'm doing housework whilst he's out and I start feeling resentful, I'll actually stop what I'm doing for a bit. I choose to clean & tidy while he's out so it's not his fault.

I might ask if he could push one of the weekend rides to a later time. I'm an early-ish riser anyway, so wouldn't feel so 'bereft' if he were to leave at 7.30 instead of 6, as that would give us half an hour to an hour of time together in the morning.

How old are your dcs? I assume that even if you wanted to you couldn't spend so much time out of the house on a hobby.

OP, would you actually have any time to go off and do a hobby on your own? If you spent the amount of time out of the home as your husband does, who would look after the DC, etc? I don't think its the hobby you are resentful of, it's the time it takes up and the way your husband seems to prioritise it?

selfishMiseryguts - this sounds like my DH and rowing. I completely recognise the secret resentment.

I did rowing myself too for a bit but ended up not enjoying it (i was too short and always ended up bloody coxing).

My solution - which may or may not work for you - was finding something i knew i should do because it was good for me (i.e. exercise), and turning it into a nice hobby we could do together.

We've ended up really enjoying doing cross country running together. Running used to be cross-training for his rowing, and I didn't enjoy it much because i couldn't keep up with him. But I kept at it, ran by myself a fair bit, and some years down the line I'm as keen as he is, and while I still can't keep up, we manage to have nice outings together anyway. One of several things we do is Parkrun and there are loads of families there, 6yo kids included, all running together.

Would your DH maybe see the family running together, as a viable cross-training method for his cycling? It'd get your DS off the computer games too...

My DS isn't yet 10, DH's DS is in his teens, but he is rarely over. DH sees him one night a week, and every other weekend when his son wants to.

DH would be happy to look after my DS if I wanted to spend a couple of hours a week on a hobby. I don't think it would be fair of me to ask him to watch him much more than that, although he would willingly do so.

crapAtEverything (surely that's not true!), it's funny you should say that. I did start the couch to 5 k last autumn, and I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, a number of things happened in a row and I stopped for a while and haven't managed to get back into it. Now the days are getting longer, I will make more of an effort to get back out there (I apologise in advance for the earthquakes!). I may even try with my DS, he's plenty old enough to do it, and it would be good for him. DH wouldn't run, but he would join us on his bike.

I've realised an utterly selfish reason this morning too. I felt annoyed that DH rode in this morning because it meant I had to walk DS to school and get a cab into work. I failed 2 driving tests in my 20s, and have never had the money to try again since, so have always had to walk, cycle, bus or get a cab into work. It's been nice getting lifts in most days these past few months. So I've given myself a kick up the arse and a stern talking to!

In my house its me with the sporting hobby.
One day a weekend I'm up before everyone else is,and out,rain or shine.
Sometimes I'm out till mid afternoon,sometimes till evening.
Dh has the dc's.
I come back happy,dirty,bruised,invigorated.(its an outdoor pursuitsy sport).
My dh never moans because he sees how much I love it.
I wish he'd get a hobby sometimes to give him another facet to life,but I think he just likes to chill for the day.

See, I can't imagine finding something that leaves you hurting, knackered, out of breath, overheated or frozen and often soaking wet enjoyable!

I relate to your feelings. I realised that I was feeling resentment as I worked out the hours per week that I spent on house activities vs my dh. I spent more time doing stuff and also planning the stuff that needed to be done than he did. He felt able to go to his hobby because he wasn't taking ownership and I wonder if that's similar for you. As your dc live with you I guess you have to be more 'on duty' than your dh so perhaps you do have limited time for yourself.

What I found helped was to focus on me, I made sure that when I had child free time i.e when they were with the other parent that I did go out and do stuff on my own. It could be as simple as reading a book in a coffee shop.
I didn't worry about DH's schedule, I just made it work for me. It was strange at first as I realised I usually think of others (would DH be home, should I try to spend time with him) but it is blissfully to do something without the pressures of time.

What seemed to happen as a result is that DH started to spend less time on his hobby as he realised he couldn't take it for granted that I would be at home. I would really recommend that you take a few hours out at the weekend, just go out and do something for you.

Thank you, newstart, I really appreciate your advice. I'm going to spend some time this weekend investigating local 'things' to see if there is anything I'd like to do on a regular basis.

I actually don't go out at all other than meeting up with family members once every couple of months. We'll go out occasionally for meals as a family (money permitting), and we'll have dinner at a relative's house, but I don't do anything outside of the house that's just for me.

I totally sympathise OP, it's the obsessional nature of it I think, 4 days a week, and for up to five or six hours at a time, when you go to the gym or swimming, it's only a hour or so, it dosent take up so much time.

And especially at the weekend, when that should be time spent together as a family, and then he just falls asleep!

I think I would ask him to cut out one day of the weekend, and use that as a day for family actiivities. Does he spend time with your child doing stuff together? If he shows resentment at being asked to curtail the cycling a bit, I would be concerned he was acting a bit selfishly, cycling is well known for creating a lot of resentful"cycling widows" . Take care of yourself and find something you really enjoy doing.

If you like running then parkrun 5k would really suit you. Its on in most towns somewhere at 930 every saturday. You could all do it as a family.