How do I stop resenting my husband's hobby?

[SelfishMiseryGuts]

I'm very lucky with my husband, he treats me extremely well and I'm very happy with him. Which is why I need to not resent his hobby. I actually have no reason at all to feel this way, so I don't know why I do!

DH is a keen cyclist. He has been into cycling since before I met him, and I married him a little under a year ago knowing that he spent a fair amount of time out on one of his various bikes.

A week usually consists of this:

Up and out on his bike at 5 one or two weekdays, back home by 8 at the latest.

Up and out at 6 some Saturdays, back by 12.00

Up and out at 6 most Sundays, back by 11.30

Early night the night before an early morning, so usually Tue, Thu (sometimes), Fri (sometimes), Sat. Falls asleep on sofa in evening when has had early morning. He always apologises for this.

So, there is no reason at all for me to resent it - he does most of his cycling/training early in the morning so it doesn't really affect me (apart from not seeing him those mornings, but that's me being precious). He's home at a reasonable hour. He works hard during the week, is kind, thoughtful and considerate, and will willingly do any extra jobs I ask him to do.

Please could I have some tips and advice on how to adjust my thinking and feelings on this please? I don't want him to have any clue that I feel anything other than completely supportive of this one and only hobby he has.

TIA.

I don't really understand why adults have to rely on each other so much, you do sound a bit 'needy' OP. Unless your children are tiny babies surely you have time to do your own thing, volunteer, get involved in things etc etc. I have loads of hobbies and interests, my DH doesn't have that many and sometimes he makes me almost feel guilty that I should want to just sit around aimlessly at home or go out for 'family time' - with nothing specific planned.

I actually loathe the expression 'family time'. .

I think learning to enjoy your own company and having your own interests is essential in any healthy relationship.

What is also essential in any healthy relationship is a fair distribution of the grunt work - repetitive, boring stuff - and quality time together; after this comes free time for own hobbies and interests, otherwise how does a household function unless you have paid staff?? or one of the couple becomes the unpaid staff?

Ragwort I agree with the idea you need to learn to enjoy your own company... but at the same time, having time together is essential for a healthy relationship as well. Right now he's working and cycling more than he's spending time with his family, his balance is completely off.

Yes she could also find a hobby for herself but that wouldn't fix the problem that he's rarely at home. If she finds a hobby right now they'll spend even less time together than they already do (assuming the child is of an age to be looked after so she goes when he gets back)... Then they're simply two people living in the same house. May as well go back to dating!

As for the comments of someone else "you knew that when you married him"... if my DH or I continued doing things we did when we were single then what's the point being together? Especially once kids come along, family takes precedence over hobby. Helping out around the house, quality time together, time alone with the kid/s etc etc.

Hobby's are great but you shouldn't be spending more time doing a hobby than you are spending time as a family (and sleeping doesn't count). So 4 hours hobby, 4 hours just being there. Whether you're still working on your hobby but in a different way (researching, chatting on forums etc) but still in the house and accessible for help and time together if needed.

Some people are being very sniffy about 'family time' on this thread. I don't think you have to start going on long walks or visits to places (although personally this sounds fun to me anyway) but to me, family time is simply time spent together as a family. That might be one person watching Tv while another sleeps, but when the sleeping person gets up, they go down, chat, mull over stuff, help with homework, stack the dishwasher together, do things with each other around. If you have little of this and most of it is spent recovering from one person's hobby (so early nights means no snuggly film watching in the week, not even chatting to them in the morning getting ready for work) then it is not very family-like, is it?

My oh is just the same, and so am I! He rides to work 5 days a week, and rides on the weekends (sometimes up to 8 hours out) When he says "I might take a longer route home this week, so I won't be back til 7.30pm" (instead of6pm) I just grind my teeth.
My hobby/job was acting, which I can't do now we have dd, there's no time, so now he gets to go out riding, see his mates etc and I'm at home. I hate to say trapped but it is like that sometimes. X

Ahh I know a few cycling obsessives and my dh also goes through spells. I understand your pain. It's not just the training though is it? Even when home I bet he spends a lot of time tinkering with his bike, a small fortune on bike bits and the rest of the time searching the internet for new bikes that in your opinion he doesn't need! Or is that just dh? Heheh
I feel for you. Could you ask him to leave a whole weekend free perhaps?

It's hard. My DH has had a hobby for many years that means he is out for at least a large chunk of every weekends (unless there is a specific reason for him no to ie a family birthday) and often out for one evening a week. Also takes an entire 24 hours once or twice a year. In the old days I must admit I was a little resentful and used to go along with him from time to time to feel included in his world. He was fine with that as long as I accepted that when I was there I wasn't the centre of his attention. So it's part of him and it's not going anywhere.

Since then we've had children and I have been too busy to care TBH. Now there are older I began to feel a bit lost and I realised the only way to deal with this is to get out and do my own thing, so I do.

We have family time (less as the children age), couple time (more than we did when the children were small) and our individual time when we do the things we love and our partners don't.

I would love for him to be so enamoured with my company he doesn't need anything else...but I think that ship has sailed We've been together 32 years. It's about compromise and if you think you have a genuine grievance (I personally thing both days of the weekend is a bit much) then you need to talk to him about it and explain how you feel.

Female cyclist here OP. Honestly, I don't know the answer to your question. I've talked about it with other female cyclists and nearly all the women cyclists are married or in relationships with men who either share the same hobby or do sport as a hobby. Personally, I couldn't cope with a non-fit, non-sporty partner who wasn't serious about something other than work and I wouldn't give a partner who didn't support me in my hobby the time of day; I loathe doing things like going round garden centres or slow walks in parks, or museums, or whatever at weekends. But then for me, its all tied in with being a relatively high achieving, motivated person, and wanting to have that in common with my life partner.

But it just doesn't work if you don't train every day - you need that in order to maintain a good level of fitness. What you describe on Saturdays and Sundays are normal club training times, and they are usually full of people, so I'm guessing most have partners who don't mind, and minding is the norm.

But we notice that a fair few male cyclists almost deliberately pick partners who don't share their hobby, or sporty-ness. Its a mystery, as in the cycling club, the same men (with a couple of exceptions) do nothing but moan about it. I've also (don't mean to worry you but its a fact) seen a fair few of them have affairs with single women cyclists and leave their wives. I guess some people prefer to keep their hobbies separate to have a bit of a social life away from the home, and others prefer to be with people who share their passion.

The only conclusion I can come to is that many male cyclists are a bit weird. My DH is a triathlete, that seems to provide a better balance. But OP - can I ask why you married a man who loved cycling so much, when you don't love it yourself? Isn't it part of him, what makes you love and respect him, since its so important to him?

Do you think you would enjoy joining a book club? I think men are better at ensuring they do hobbies and as previous poster said women put own needs last.

Op I completely understand you. My dh is a keen cyclist and has a couple of male friends that have divorced because of this issue.
I am very lucky because when we got married he realised it was impossible for him to keep the same routine (specially once the kids arrived), he goes out on Sunday mornings and sometimes during the week for one hour, but he has a turbo trainer (we have a garage full of bikes!) which he uses every morning to keep fit.

Dh too it has crept up on us he is now a full blown obsessive. On Saturday 8-12 ride, lunch, cleaning/tinkering with bike until 3pm. Up early Sunday for turbo session to be fair done by 9.30.

Am ok with I up to a point but he does miss out on spending time with dc. Also cycles whenever we go out for the day my 5 year old asked "mummy why do you never let daddy come in the car with us" ha!

Wow, a lot of responses since my last post - thank you.

I can't answer individually, but will try to give some general answers.

At the moment, learning to drive isn't an option for me, I/We just don't have the money. And there isn't anyone who can teach me privately. Or rather, there isn't anyone who has time to teach me privately Plus, I can't afford the insurance.

Not sure how I'm 'needy', as I'm asking how to change my feelings, not complaining about my husband not being with me 24/7

DH does events throughout the year, ranging from 40 miles to 90 miles. He goes out on his own during the week, and with a mate on a Sunday. If he goes out on a Saturday, it's usually on his own.

I joined a local bookclub at the beginning of the year. They've met twice, and I've not been able to attend either meetup! Hopefully I'll be free for the one at the end of this month.

I married him because cycling doesn't define him. He is a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, generous man who happens to love cycling. I love reading, which he hates, but he still married me.

He does spend a fair bit of time looking at bikes and bike parts on ebay, yes! But that doesn't bother me at all.

I don't think childcare for my DS should be taken into the equation by the way. Yes, my DH married me knowing that I have a child, and by doing so he agreed to be partially responsible for him. However, I don't think it's right for me to expect DH to take on all the responsibilities as though he were DS's biological dad.

I agree that 'family time' is time spent as a family. Yesterday DS was playing on the PC, I was reading, and DH was watching something on his phone. We were all in the same room, and we were conversing. I count that as family time.

Anyway, an update on the situation. He will now be using his turbo trainer on a Wed evening, instead of being out on his bike all evening. So he'll still be 'cycling', but he'll be home, which makes a difference, somehow. Also, he'll not generally go out on a Sat now whilst he's got an arrangement on a Sunday. These are all suggestions made by him by the way - I didn't complain or have a chat with him.

We've just had a lovely weekend actually. He didn't go out on Saturday morning, so we had breakfast together, spent some time pottering around and all of us went into town for a bit. Sunday he was home by 11.30am, we did some housework together and had a really nice afternoon and evening (that sounds very boak-worthily sweet, sorry!).

This weekend coming, I have something I want to go to on Saturday morning, and there is a family thing on the Sunday morning. So he'll go out early on Sat, be home by 9 and then drop me off and look after DS whilst I'm out. On Sunday he'll do the same, and then we'll all meet up with my family at 10ish for a late breakfast. That works for me!

One plus side dh is in incredible shape! Always had a good figure but now ...wow!

KERALA1 Yeah, my DH is in pretty good nick, too. No idea what he sees in me at all!!

Can't your DH teach you? Or get you started at least? Or do it the other way around ? Big bonus is that you can go and fetch him if he writes off the bike 40 miles from home.

I appreciate your comments about cost and insurance but A) adding a female named driver over 25 is likely to reduce the annual cost of your husbands insurance and B) bikes seem to eat money on a monthly basis with spare tires and bits and pieces.

My DH is v keen so I sympathise. He commutes by bike though and does one long weekend ride early to avoid traffic and is usually back by 11.30 so it doesn't have a huge impact unless we have people coming for lunch or something so he'll often move things around.

I learned to drive in my 30's and I'm v glad of it - it's lovely to have the flexibility to get out and do stuff a bit further from home.

If you are only adding yourself to your DH's insurance, rather than insuring a whole new car then it won't cost all that much.

How much does he spend on cycling and related gear each month? You should have the equivalent amount towards learning to drive IMO.

He sounds like a nice guy, but something about the dynamic is making me a bit uncomfortable. You wait at home for him while he goes and does his thing, there is no money for you to learn to drive but he's browsing for bike parts. You think he looks great and have no idea what he sees in you - your words.
You need to get some self esteem and think about why you feel like this.

Ok OP, here's my diatribe on the reasons why you should not resent your dhs hobby.

My dh took up cycling in his 40s. It's honestly the best thing he's ever done. I love seeing him fired up about it an high as a kite after a good ride. His dad died early from cardiovascular issues so I really hope that being fit will help him stay healthy. He's also in much better shape, less stressed and happier! He may also be around longer when we're older if he stays fit.

I took up running around the same time and often run whilst he is out cycling as dd is old enough to 'babysit' our younger tweens.

An interesting side effect is that we drink much less, as the night before affects the run/ride, and we eat better. I think the money I save on pays for my running kit/club fees easily.

I'm now thinking about cycling as a cross training for running, so we can go together sometimes.

I'd rather have less time in the weekend together with us both well exercised and in good spirits than all weekend in the doldrums wondering which we feel lethargic.

Also he is a role model for the dcs, (so am I ) who think it's normal to go out in all weathers and come back dirty, sweaty and happy.

Whoever asked when to do hobbies- I would say there is always time if you make it a priority eg less tv, social media, shopping, browsing online or if all else fails getting up really early and going to bed earlier.

And finally, all this exercise is good for the libido

I have suggested a couple of times that DH takes me out in his car, but I get the impression he's not keen on the idea. I will broach the subject again and get an actual answer. I'll make the point about collecting him if he needs it to encourage him to say 'yes' I would love to be able to just get in the car and go somewhere.

I don't know how much he spends as he uses his own money. We both put our basic wages into a joint account and use that for living expenses (rent, bills, shopping etc). Any overtime or bonus money we get at the end of the month, we split between us and have that as our spending money. He spends his on bike bits, I spend mine on cabs and extras for my DS (school dinners, a trip to the cinema, toys & games).

The reason I feel like I don't know what he sees in me is because I've always had very low self esteem. I was called plain at 13, put on a diet at 14 (wasn't overweight back then, am now) and spent most of my life feeling not quite good enough for various reasons. That's a whole other thread though! DH tells me constantly that I'm gorgeous, sexy, beautiful. I don't feel as though I'm waiting at home for him. I'm just at home when he's out.

MumSnotBU Thank you, your post is actually very helpful. I will concentrate on the positives (he's happy, healthy and fit, and he's an excellent example to my DS). I intend to start running with DS - he's too young to be left alone - and I am pretty sure I'll feel less resentful/envious when I'm also doing something that I hopefully enjoy outside of the home.
...it's normal to go out in all weathers and come back dirty, sweaty and happy
I want this to be normal in our house. I didn't realise it until you said it, but it sounds wonderful to me. Despite what I said on Fri 27-Feb-15 09:33:03!
And, to be honest, I could do with having a more active libido...

The thing about doing exercise is

don't think about it too much-

I am almost never in the mood

there is never an ideal time

there's always other things I should be doing..

.just put in the shoes/clothes and start.

Then you feel good after

Yes, I think I'd have to not think about it because I really hate exercise! I always have. The only things I've enjoyed have been team things, although I was rubbish at them. I used to like netball, basketball, badminton etc. I loathe aerobics and 'workout' exercises. Running it shall have to be.

MumsnotBU - you are absolutely right - "just put on your trainers and close the door behind you" is what I always say to myself.

Selfishmiseryguts - you sound like a lovely thoughtful reasonable person, and this thread has been very interesting.

OP if you enjoyed team sports maybe you could join a casual club near you? England netball have a "back to netball" scheme for people who haven't played since they were at school. I joined a club and it's very inclusive and friendly, everyone is encouraged and no one is made to feel they are not good enough.
You could also see if there are casual badminton sessions at your local sports centre.
Do you enjoy dancing? I do and discovered Zumba which is great exercise and SO much fun.

I wonder if you could talk to your DH about finding some money in the household budget for driving lessons, in the long run it would save money on cab fares and it would be good for the whole family, not just you. Maybe you could supplement lessons with DH taking you out to practise? Which is a good compromise as it will mean saving money on lessons but also the pressure won't all be on him.

mrsbabookaloo Thank you for your kind words!

AnotherEmma I will definitely look into it, thank you. They may kick me out again once they see me play though

I'll speak with DH about learning to drive. It's becoming increasing clear that I really need to get on the road. It's a good idea about doing both proper lessons and practice sessions with DH, thank you.

My top tip is to have your first lesson with a proper instructor. It will NOT be a waste of money. I had my first lesson with my Dad and it put me off for 10 yrs as I bunny hopped his pride and joy down the road with all my brothers and sisters having a good giggle

You could also think about a scooter, the motorised kind depending on how urban your area is