How do I stop resenting my husband's hobby?

[SelfishMiseryGuts]

I'm very lucky with my husband, he treats me extremely well and I'm very happy with him. Which is why I need to not resent his hobby. I actually have no reason at all to feel this way, so I don't know why I do!

DH is a keen cyclist. He has been into cycling since before I met him, and I married him a little under a year ago knowing that he spent a fair amount of time out on one of his various bikes.

A week usually consists of this:

Up and out on his bike at 5 one or two weekdays, back home by 8 at the latest.

Up and out at 6 some Saturdays, back by 12.00

Up and out at 6 most Sundays, back by 11.30

Early night the night before an early morning, so usually Tue, Thu (sometimes), Fri (sometimes), Sat. Falls asleep on sofa in evening when has had early morning. He always apologises for this.

So, there is no reason at all for me to resent it - he does most of his cycling/training early in the morning so it doesn't really affect me (apart from not seeing him those mornings, but that's me being precious). He's home at a reasonable hour. He works hard during the week, is kind, thoughtful and considerate, and will willingly do any extra jobs I ask him to do.

Please could I have some tips and advice on how to adjust my thinking and feelings on this please? I don't want him to have any clue that I feel anything other than completely supportive of this one and only hobby he has.

TIA.

Can you take up driving as your hobby (temporarily)?!

i.e. invest the equivalent of what is spent on your DH's hobby on some intensive lessons for you, and get yourself through the test?

This will then mean that if he cycles, you get the car.

It will also give you more freedom for a future hobby - if you take up an evening thing, you can get yourself there and back much more easily.

SelfishMiseryGuts (i'm definitely crap at running. I just do a lot of it, really really slowly)

You and your DS could do a local Parkrun on Saturdays even if your DH is off cycling. It's really nice and friendly and absolutely no-one minds if you walk - the whole point is to turn up and do it! At ours there is one family where the (quite scary) kids are faster than most of the adults; another family where the (quite little) kids run, but finish among the walkers, and another family where the parents take it in turns to run one week, walk with the son the other week - they finish after most of the walkers, but they have a ball, they're always cheerful, and the runners high-five the son (and the other little kids) as they go past. Everyone is really encouraging.

You sound a bit lonely to me

My DH is a keen cyclist but commutes by bike and does a long weekend ride.
If you learned to drive and chauffeured yourself to work would DH commute by bike instead and cut down on the 5am starts?

He does spend time with my DS, he's great with him. He'll happily take him to the park or help him with his computer games, or play rough n tumble with him.

I'd love to do the driving thing, but we just don't have the money. The cycling doesn't cost a particularly large amount of money, and we always discuss non-essential purchases, so I absolutely don't feel like he gets to spend money and I don't.

I will look into Parkruns, thank you. I know one or two people who live near me have mentioned it on my FB, so there's definitely one around here somewhere. I actually really like the sound of it!

I am a bit lonely, sometimes. I'm lucky in that I like my own company and I not a big socialiser. But sometimes I'd like to see someone/do something different.

DH does commute by bike on the weekdays he goes out on his bike. The reason he leaves at 5 is the commute takes him about 8 minutes, and that's not enough time or mileage for him. So he leaves at ridiculous o'clock to get training in, and then ends up at work.

Argh - I'm not a big socialiser, not I!

Cycling is all consuming, you are not the only cycling widow I know!

I think there are a few ways to approach it- none are the right way and it's what you all can stand as a family. I have a friend whose partner is a cyclist and they went for one day cycling and one day not on the weekend (the cycling day is all day though) in the end, as she found the whole weekend was preparing for cycling, cycling, being too tired to do other activities in the afternoon cos of cycling etc.

In the week, if he's prepared to get up at 5am, I really think that's ok, it's his life too and asking someone to start going later/change times isn't solving the problem to me at all, it's just exerting a tiny bit of control over something they are obsessed by.

Driving, have you thought of driving an automatic? Much much easier than a manual, my husband failed his manual test but passed easily in an automatic and then you could be much more independent. I get the impression you are stuck in the house by your lack of driving a bit as well as having to get taxis (expensive).

Also, you do sound very separate- you do all the childcare of your own child, pretty much most of the housework and your partner is out a lot. I can see how you start to think- what's the point in all this, am I just a stopping off place for him to rest before more cycling. I think I might have an honest chat about needing to feel important too/doing things together so you are not just the added extra to his cycling life but are the main event, with cycling as a hobby, if you see what I mean! This might be quite easily achieved.

What everyone has said about doing your own thing is also spot on, but I would couple this with a frank chat about it too, otherwise you could end up feeling even more separate, when actually one night a week in the local pub for a drink and a cuddle one weekend morning could easily sort the situation out and stop you feeling abandoned in favour of the bike!

The answer to this question is simple - get your own hobby

I think you need to prioritise learning to drive, because then his cycling during the week will have zero impact on you.

How much are you spending per week on cab fares to get to work? Surely it is worth spending some money upfront to learn to drive to eliminate that cost?

Yes try and be pleased he is active my dh has no interest in sport and would love to take up badmington or something to do together. I often resent him for his career rather than hobby. I lost out on my education due to ill health but i have to choose to say to myself at least he has a job when i see him being successful or going out mixing with people.

Hi SMG I live with a cyclist too and am becoming fitter and faster on the bike myself after 3 years although I will never be speedy.

I have observed that the cyclists we go out with are all very fit, mostly very slim without beer bellies and young for their age. By encouraging your DH you will keep a much happier healthier husband!

Now can you give me some advice on keeping the bicycles out of the dining room?

To those of you saying get your own hobby: when? When would you fit that in? Between working, looking after children and doing all the housework so that it doesn't eat into the limited time you have together? If OP weren't holding down the fort, how would her DH manage to spend the bulk of his free time on his hobby?

Yes sneepy I agree. If selfishmiseryguts were to take her DHs attitude and take equal amounts of time out for herself at the weekend and during the week I am baffled how family life would work out especially when there is a child in the equation.

I agree with the PP who said you should learn to drive. Find the money from somewhere. It is so importance for your independence, you will probably feel much better about your DH spending time on his hobby because your options won't be limited any more. You will be able to drive to work, see your friends or family, or even take up a hobby of your own if you want.
I think he is entitled to have a hobby but it sounds like he puts lots of time and effort into that and maybe you would appreciate him spending more quality time with you? Could you set up a weekly "date" whether it's a morning together with breakfast in bed, a day out as a family, or a date night for the two of you?
Personally I wouldn't mind him doing 1 ride at the weekends but both days would annoy me. And as others have said he is probably not doing as much By way of childcare or housework either.

Assuming you are asleep when he leaves, and go to bed say 9pm to get a full 8 hours sleep you don't see him very often at all. It's a bit weird...

• Would he still be coming home at 8pm if he wasn't cycling?
• If he was home, what would he be doing? If he's just sitting doing nothing, that doesn't really make any sense that he can't do something he wants (for example my husband would be in the garage some days for hours but at least he's "home").
• If you asked him not to go one particular day in order to do something as a couple or as a family, what is his reaction?

I totally understand this feeling like you should be doing something together but it doesn't always work like that. Perhaps you could try making cycling on one day a family thing? That could be fun and it's good for you :)

As for how to stop resenting his hobby, first ask yourself why you resent it. Then if your answer is that you feel lonely being in the home alone so often, then the only answer is that he stops being gone for SO long. He can do this by cutting down on how long he's gone for, or that he only goes in the morning before work (assuming he's also doing it during the evening which is why he's back at 8pm).

If the answer is that you're jealous that he's able to be gone for so long.. Is there something stopping you (i.e. is he leaving you home alone with the responsibilities)? Is it that you wish you had something to do as well?

Personally I just think it's that you're home alone. Not that you wish you were doing something as well, it's that he's not around and that you're lonely and feel abandoned for his hobby.

FWIW - just because he's always cycled doesn't mean he should continue doing it so often. He is married and has responsibilities at home. Have a chat with him that you're feeling pretty alone, and need him to consider changing it up a bit.

His training regime sucks (Yes I married a mad TTer, too). He must be doing 12 hour events to do that format of training, otherwise he is overdoing it.

Does he read the Comic? Because the training advice in there will tell him to train smart & not so long. Is he going out with a club on the Sunday am rides? I suppose with cafe stop that would explain the 5 hour rides.

If he's doing club 10s & 25s like most mad cyclists, he would be better off doing a much shorter training ride most mornings rather than all these long long rides. Recovery time is important, too.

He could also get on a Turbo trainer which would mean more smart riding rather than miles & miles and not being away so much, either.

Well, he gets a great hobby to fill his spare time AND he gets a happy family life with none of the drudgery.

Who wouldn't be envious.

You are there waiting for him whenever he turns up.

The fact he chooses cycling over being with you and DS is bound to feel hurtful.

Unless he spends time and effort arranging nice family things for the weekend afternoons for you all to do, which would compensate a bit, then I'm not surprised you feel annoyed. Or it seems he is just copping out of family life.

Perhaps telling him the weekend afternoons are HIS responsibility and you will go along with whatever exciting thing he comes up with. Then you might feel more appreciated.

The thing is do people really have these rosie-cheeked, happy family, doing something together weekends? It's a a bit mummy-blog isn't it, that we all sit round chatting and then bundle up in our matching Cath Kidson for a jolly trip out?

Why not go out for a nice breakfast/coffee whole he's out. Don't do the housework!!

It doesn't cost a huge amount to sit the driving theory test. Have you done that part as a first step? Do you have a friend who could teach you to drive or at least practise?

I'm surprised by all the posters who suggest that the simple solution is for OP to get a hobby. I agree with those who say that with both the adults pursuing independent activities at the weekend where does the 'family' time come in?

I'm lucky my DH doesn't have a time consuming hobby - or in fact any hobbies (in fact I do wish he had some other interests than being attached to his iPad) BUT if he did have a hobby like cycling I would want him to limit it to one morning per weekend. OP's Dh is acting as if he isn't part of a family (no matter how lovely he is, it's only when it suits his timetable).
I think shorter rides or one day only is the solution. It's not all down to you OP that you are feeling so resentful, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Most people would like to feel that their partners would like to spend the bulk of the weekend with them rather than pursuing their own solo hobby. I think you need to sit down and talk this through with your dh, if he is as lovely as you say then he should be able to come to some sort of compromise or arrangement with you about his cycling. He may not realise the impact it is have on both you and your (joint) relationship.

Do try to find a way to set aside some money to learn to drive. If you took 2 driving tests in your twenties the basics will be there. I worry about people who can't drive (unless they live in London) as it can really limit opportunities & Increase isolation (at least have seen that happen to a few friends).

My OH has alays had time consuming hobbies - he was a climber when I met him, then got into surfing because that did make it easier when we had three small children. Now they have all flown the nest he has taken up cycling. But I knew he was a climber when I married him and knew how much time it took up. It wouldn't be fair to try and change him - and he is very grumy if not exercising and challenging himself. I did try climbing - loved the climbing hated the getting down again. Surfing we both enjoyed but needed to take turns in the sea so the other was with the children. I do cycle but not to his level of obssessiveness although he will do a shorter/easier ride with me once a week. If you're happy with your partner at other times and you knew about his cycliing when you married I think you just need to learn how to deal with the downsides

Oh come on he "chooses cycling over being with you". He's getting up at sparrow's fart to do it. He's allowed to have an interest as long as the op has equal time to pursue her interests.

Family time is a construct. I'm mumsnetting in bed, DH is snoring next to me, kids are watching tv - we are a family, we are engaged in activities, is this "family time"??

That's a really thought provoking post surlycue, had never thought about it that way

My DH is into motor sports. It was his hobby when we met. He built his own stage rally car.
It is a time consuming and expensive hobby but I knew that when I married him.
He also has an ASD (as does our 10 yo DS) and thus is highly focused and single minded.
For a while I got mightily pissed off by the fact that he spent a lot of spare time in the garage prepping the car or footling with sprockle widgets or what ever it is he does. That anger increased once our children came along as I would ask what we were doing at the weekend and he'd have planned to go in the garden.
So, what did I do?
First I reminded myself that I knew all this when I met him and I chose to marry him as he was.
Then I stopped waiting to see what he wanted to do at the weekend and made plans for me and the children. If DH wanted to join us he did, if not we still did stuff.
Next I got my National B non race licence and every now and then I act as his co driver
And finally I got my own hobbies and interests. I do two active hobbies and I also love to knit and crochet. If I'm out doing a class or training I expect DH to look after the kids.
At weekends I do no housework. Even when I was working I did something each day to allow housework free weekends. I now don't work as our family works better if I don't but the no housework rule still applies.
I no longer feel resentful. Because of the nature of DH's hobby and the fact that his events are set across the year by others we have to keep diaries up to date so we don't clash stuff we want to do but it works for us.

And by garden I actually mean garage.