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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

654 replies

MrsCs · 21/02/2015 23:16

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/02/2015 17:50

The problem is that people always say "Where does this happen! Examples please!"

I would not like to see people's personal threads dragged along, analysed, argued over. That's just awful and not in the spirit of a support site at all.

I do though wish there was a way to take a thread, anonymise it and then be able to argue over and dissect answers. That would be really interesting for me and I think that I could get the point across as to why some of the responses seem on the surface harsh or judgemental or unfounded.

But that's not possible, so these threads will always continue to pop up. And posters will continue to advise people to leave, or whatever they think is right.

Lweji · 22/02/2015 18:00

I do see a relationship like a financial investment.
If you keep throwing money at it, and you keep losing money, why not walk out before you are completely bankrupt?

In a pension, you put money there, but you know it is somewhere that actually has value, even though you are not reaping immediate benefits. The fund may go up or down in value, but if it keeps going down, it's not likely that it will go up when you need it and you'd be better off switching to another better performing fund.

That's why I mentioned that sometimes we give more, sometimes we receive more. We may give more through a partner's illness or a bereavement, but we should get it back if we get ill or are bereaved. If we keep giving and giving, and get nothing back, the likelihood is that we will never get anything back. And the best thing is to cut our loses short and leave.

A bad partner is not likely to support you in your old age anymore than he is now.

gildedcage · 22/02/2015 18:26

Someone mentioned interest. Ultimately for me, my decision to stay with my husband was based on the fact that we had always had a fantastic relationship, he had always treated me with love and respect, in short he had built up good will.

Yes he did make a mistake. And I don't take likely the lies that he told. But I forgave him. I won't forget, and it changed me and our dynamic, but had he not paid in, so to speak, I would have been unwilling to work at moving on with him.

Obviously there are situations when the only real advice can be to leave. But for some problems the willingness to work at the relationship is based on previous behaviour I.e. you wouldn't continue to invest in a bad debtor would you?

In response to the OPs original question, LTB is common but I feel that is because the majority of posts appear to be fairly serious issues rather than the usual ups and downs that we all experience in a long term relationship.

Also, it is for the OP to take what they feel useful from the offered opinions, ultimately only they know what the true position is in the relationship and what they want to do.

frankbough · 22/02/2015 18:39

The problem on this part of the board is you have people who have LTB and some who have been part of dysfunctional families and relationships giving out advice on how to solve problems in marriage, some of the advice is sound but some is just projecting, some is nasty and in fact borders on being abusive..
The thing is, it's the same old posters who crop up on every thread,copy and pasting the same old paranoid drivel, it's ok reading self help books but for goodness sake at least separate the information that your reading and parroting back on a public forum from your own personal feelings and experiences..
If anyone thinks they are going to be married to someone "till death us do part" and it's always going to be easy then they are living in a dream world..

Other parts of the forum are actually quite nice..

didyouwritethe · 22/02/2015 18:52

I agree with that summary, frankbough.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2015 19:16

I don't think that's true at all.

Most people manage to judge each thread on its own merits. By contrast, the OP's stance is quite clear. Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

I mean, that really is dogma. It does go some way to explain why people stay in terrible relationships though, I suppose.

But really, if you are reading something and feel that people's responses aren't correct or creative enough, why on earth don't you get involved with the right answers?

PetulaGordino · 22/02/2015 19:18

Nope, the fact that I'm not and have never been unlucky enough to be in an abusive relationship means I know how good it can be and that putting up with poor behaviour isn't a natural part of a relationship

didyouwritethe · 22/02/2015 19:21

The notion that there are "right answers" says it all, really.

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 19:29

No john, it's my opinion, I have repeatedly said it's neither right or wrong. Also I have answered that I will post on the specific threads from now on. It may have bothered you but the responses I got on here have helped me understand the forum as a whole. You are well aware I have responded to both points you've made there more than once and yet have again been very negative towards me. I wonder if you would consider someone repeatedly shooting someone down with the same argument to be unacceptable behaviour. If so it is quite hypocritical. I asked a question and haven't been rude to anyone, in fact have thanked people for helpful insights. Kindly stop trying to make some kind of discord with me because I will not give in. I have not given dogma or belittled anyone's right to leave.

OP posts:
tobee · 22/02/2015 19:44

Wish I could "like" your comments op.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2015 19:47

Oh I'm sorry if it came across as personal - I very much dislike the case you stated (as you can see!) - but its not you I dislike. I hope to see more of you on Mumsnet.

I do think repeatedly shooting someone's argument down is quite acceptable in a debate forum though - especially when that argument is - imho - quite pernicious, dangerous and wrong.

I used the word dogma because someone else had said that someone's opinion - which was the reverse of yours - was dogma.

tobee · 22/02/2015 19:47

Oh and frankborough as I posted above.

Looking forward to being shot down in flames though.

ToYouToMe · 22/02/2015 19:48

what frankbough said:

some of the advice is sound but some is just projecting, some is nasty and in fact borders on being abusive

Weebirdie · 22/02/2015 19:52

I still wonder about Holdtight who had a few threads going over quite a few months. I think she decided to stay with her husband and obviously feels she can't post here anymore. If she is reading and not posting I just want to say - Hi, I think about you and hope things are going well. :)

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2015 19:52

Why not report abusive posts to Mumsnet?

If you feel posters are jumping the LTB gun, why not join in?

If you feel poster's advice is projecting or being nasty, why not say so?

didyouwritethe · 22/02/2015 19:55

What, do you think we haven't tried, JohnFarleysRuskin? It's said repeatedly, over and over again, for years. Most have now hidden Relationships.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2015 19:57

BTW, I've never LTB - I've only ever had relationships with nice men - yes, really!, my family may be dysfunctional - but they are well within the normal range of dysfunctional, and the last self help book I read was about 20 years ago - 'How to win friends and influence people' (obviously it didn't work) :)

What I have learnt since reading the relationship board is how much shit people - women especially - will swallow in order to stay in a relationship.

didyouwritethe · 22/02/2015 20:00

It's clear that most people on MN who urge other women to LTB have never been in the same situation and have never LTB.

Go figure.

holdyourown · 22/02/2015 20:00

didyouwrite how do you know who's hidden relationships and why Confused I've been on MN for years and certainly haven't seen people trying repeatedly to get people to stay with the B on threads where the other man hating abusive people Hmm are trying to get unsuspecting posters to LTB for no reason Shock What a load of nonsense.

sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 20:01

It's clear that most people on MN who urge other women to LTB have never been in the same situation and have never LTB.

That is not the feeling I get from MN at all.

PetulaGordino · 22/02/2015 20:02

So people who make the suggestion to LTB are both projecting their own abusive relationships where they LTB, as well as having never been in an abusive relationship where they LTB?

Which is it? Confused

JohnFarleysRuskin · 22/02/2015 20:02

Eh, where are you getting that from? I was responding to FrankBough's comment that you agreed with, that all the people who post on here are one kind of person, with one kind of experience. I was pointing out that we are not all one kind of person.
But then I don't urge people to LTB either, so maybe it's not all about me.

Twinklestein · 22/02/2015 20:04

I don't see anywhere that JohnFarleysRuskin has been negative towards you OP, that seems rather paranoid, the poster simply disagreed with your views.

sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 20:05

It really saddens me that the idea of leaving a relationship can cause this much angst.

Too many people are defining themselves and their lives by their relationship.

I am a lot of things, and "wife" is only one of them. It feels like people see the role of girlfriend or wife as the end goal, and once you have it you cling on for dear life.

I used to be like that. I cannot tell you how liberating it is to be free from those mindsets.

tobee · 22/02/2015 20:05

I think my problem with LTB is I might often agree with it as a knee jerk reaction but would never post it on its own, with no explanation or advice, because its too serious a thing to say. It's an aggressive acronym (sometimes swaddled in humour) and, yes, often threads just have a cacophony of repeated LTB and nothing else. What about sympathy for the OP or is that naive?