Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Have you read the sticky thread yet, MrsC?

Going back a bit on the thread, many threads end up here from what looks like a small problem started in Chat or AIBU.
Small problems within relationships tend to be posted there. The big problems end up in Relationships, where the advice is to LTB, because that is what the situation is. The LTB in these cases often came from Chat or AIBU in the first place anyway.

I did yes, didnt even know they existed so that was great, thank you :)

LTB is never easy and when you are in a position where that should happen your mindset at that time is probably not the strongest so it is harder even if you know it is the right decision. There can be times when posters think LTB should happen straightaway and it doesn't always help the OP to be forceful in that view especially if the relationship is abusive and the OPs self esteem and confidence might be at rock bottom.

But I seldom see a LTB that I disagree with. You see it quite often where someone posts about something that doesn't seem too bad and experienced posters (for want of a better word) realise there is a bit more to it and gently ask probing questions and it often comes out that the relationship is a lot worse than initially suggested.

For most people the relationships that they have formed are the only experience of relationships that they have. If they had a dysfunctional childhood and have that as their basis for a relationship then what may seem to others to be a bad relationship is perfectly normal and thus acceptable to them.

To come on here and to have the experience of different people with a huge amount of insight and invaluable advice asking questions of your relationship and making you see things differently can be massively helpful.

Most people will assume that cheating, violence, abuse etc will be dealbreakers. If none of those things are happening then some posters will not consider the relationship bad enough to leave. I would think that the oft quoted advice of "you can leave if it's not working for you" is a thought that some people would not have considered.

Reading some posts on here is seems that there are an awful lot of people in relationships that don't actually make them happy, but haven't considered leaving because they didn't think it was that bad. Far too much walking on eggshells, behaving in a certain way not to antagonise their partner, putting up with constant sulks and not being spoken to for days are not behaviour in a normal, happy relationship.

You might row with your partner sometimes and have ups and downs but you should always be able to count on their support and never ever be scared of their reaction. You should always feel that you are in the relationship together and it is not just you who makes an effort or cares.

Anything that makes you question elements of your relationship is good. If you realise that you are happy with that element of your relationship then you are reassured, if it is found wanting then it makes you question it and you can hopefully work on that with your partner or if not then maybe if it makes you unhappy then you might start questioning whether LTB would really be that bad.

There is some wonderful advice on here and most people posting just want the OP to work out for herself that she is worth more than what she is putting up with. There are many posts that give a lot of insight and help to the OP in working this out.

Also, MrsC, do you think an abusive relationship is where your partner tries to strangle you?
I bet in that relationship there was other abuse and many red flags before you got to that point.

OP I think what I have come to realise is the relationships board is very very good at making women realise they are in bad abusive relationships. The flip side of that it that it is really quite crap at providing sensible advice to people who are sad about a relationship problem in an otherwise good relationship.

Maybe that is just the price we pay for having a relationships board that helps women in serious trouble.

Anything that makes you question elements of your relationship is good. If you realise that you are happy with that element of your relationship then you are reassured, if it is found wanting then it makes you question it and you can hopefully work on that with your partner or if not then maybe if it makes you unhappy then you might start questioning whether LTB would really be that bad.

Totally agree with this.

And I do think that sometimes posters can be too quick to disagree with the LTB view, and even the idea that a relationship can be bad without being overtly abusive, because they are scared to face up to the reality that their relationship, that they have invested greatly in, isn't as good as they thought it was.

I think it takes a bit of doing to make a thread like this your first post on a board. Even more so when you have to ask what LTB stands for.

How did you come across Relationships for the first time MrsC?

Pret should start doing a LTB sandwich for all the mumsnetting mums. (After all, it is the same as a BLT).

Viv, I'm not sure how to browse the boats boards, I click 'active' and read interesting ones.

Great post ( amongst others) iwashappy

So, you don't really read most of the Relationship threads, and don't bother with the run of the mill uninteresting threads there or in Chat or AIBU? Thus missing the threads where the advice is not (necessarily) to LTB?

I joined MN around 18 months ago. What surprised me was not how many posters advise women to LTB - I've rarely seen it advised where I would disagree - but just how low many women's expectations of men and relationships are.

There are many women doggedly persisting in horribly unequal, unhappy relationships in which they're given no respect let alone love.

These threads complaining about 'LTB' crop up periodically - and I've noticed that, in general, the posters responsible are either very naïve about signs of abuse and bullying in relationships, or have quite low standards about what constitutes a good relationship and how men are expected to behave.

Not suggesting the OP falls into either camp, I've no idea, just that it's a general pattern.

MrsC, see where at the top of this page it says Topics » Relationships? Click on that and you see a list of the most current threads in this topic. Same on all the other message boards.

Clicking the Talk link, right at the top, gets you an expandable list of every single topic to browse. Or click this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk

I think often LTB is part of a response that tries to make clear to the OP that the only person whose behaviour she can reliably change is her own.
Staying in a relationship hoping your partner has a personality transplant or stops behaving in a particular way doesn't work.
You have to decide what you are going to do about things and how you will respond to problems.
Yes, being on your own rather than in your current relationship might be worse but you have to weigh all this stuff up.
I agree that a good relationship shouldn't need a lot of work but many people settle for mediocre ones. If you do decide to settle for a mediocre one due to kids/ finances etc you have to accept this and look for other things to fulfil you (I mean hobbies, friends etc not affairs) and stop expecting your relationship to change in to something it is never going to be.

Sliceofsoup, why do you find it so hard to say "in my opinion"?Or "from my personal experience" ? I think you seem to see yourself as banging the drum for women as victims in bad relationships. I agree, there are many women in disgustingly abusive relationships. But I think you come across incredibly patronising to women suggesting that they are going around as weak, feeble types who cling to crap relationships as if they're all Victorian throwbacks. For example, I have many friends who have had difficult relationships and ones that have broken up, most of the friends are women who have been left by men etc, some are men who have been left by women. It makes no difference what their sex is to me. They have still been friends in a distressed state.

I don't get that at all from Sliceofsoup's posts.

Can't you take it as read that a poster's opinion, as posted by her, is her opinion?

I absolutely stand by what I say that nobody deserves or doesn't deserve anything in life. There isn't some kind of rule about these things. Or some omnipotent justice.But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive for the best things we can conceive of and try to cut out as much of the crap as possible.

That's fine, Lweji, because that is your opinion as you, effectively state. And I have very carefully worded my post, that that is what I got from her posts.

The question that has become common currency, used all the time by a certain poster and now used by other posters when she isn't there, is:

"what are you getting from this relationship now?"

The "now" part of this bothers me. Relationships aren't all about now. If a financial advisor said "what are you getting from this pension plan now?" you would sack them because the answer is "nothing, it's costing me more now than I get. But it's not for now, it's for later".

Ok relationships are a bit about now. I think the suggestion that you don't have to stay can sometimes be apposite. And I doubt anyone has left their husband because MN told her to. BUT if your partner is ill, has just started a terrible exhausting new job, has had a new baby, if you are going through bankruptcy, etc etc - if something is happening that means your partner needs your support more than he / she can support you - then the question "what are you getting from this relationship now?" looks rather mean spirited. If someone had said that to my DP when my babies were under a year, I dread to think what he would have said.

Agree with Gallic is Charlie. If every post on mumsnet was preceded by "in my opinion" it would be silly. Of course I post my opinions, who else's opinion am I likely to express?

Thanks for letting me know that what I posted is fine.

Because, Gallicischarlie, sliceofsoup said, unequivocally, "that is the truth" which is the language used by extremists.

nope, me neither. good posts from sliceofsoup

I've been through all of this and like to think i'm objective. I lived with the denial that comes with being part of a bad relationship. I worked up to leaving. I left. I recovered. I give advice on here. I name change but my advice is in line with the regulars and ''in my opinion'' there are a few of us who really really get it. there are others who suggest counselling. That's what makes me roll my eyes. Posters detail the horror of their relationship, the ongoing overwhelming disrespect, lack of affection, lack of support, lack of practical support...... and they're asked if they've tried counselling. Now that "in my opinion" is the ridiculous advice. I haven't started a thread about it though, yet.