Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Sorry for typos. Trying to do three things at once .

Thechicken, women should rise up when necessary and not just 'because women need to rise up'. Otherwise we lose credibility and come across as ridiculous.

Always trumpeting the same ole advice regardless of the situation is not empowering women at all. It can be described as deluded nonsense. Moreover, if Mumsnet is the only corner of the world where woman are told to stand up for themselves and get support for doing so them some of you need to get out and open your eyes to a world outside of mumsnet.

That said, a huge part of the problems here is the style of some posters. Abusive, aggressive, etc. Do they need to be? No? They despise those with an alternative view, accusing them of all sorts of nonsense.

So when some posters have a different view it means they are threatened by women living happily on their own with or without kids? My goodness!

I think there's no better place than here for advice and gaining the courage to leave a relationship. However, I think its not a good place for those going through the usual down cycles in their relationships and wanting work through them. That's why I'll not start another thread on here to rant about my essentially good marriage because I'll get another raft of people posting that I, or he, should leave.

Thechicken, women should rise up when necessary and not just 'because women need to rise up'. Otherwise we lose credibility and come across as ridiculous.

Women should be free to 'rise up' whenever the hell they want. They can leave a relationship for any reason they want.

That said, a huge part of the problems here is the style of some posters. Abusive, aggressive, etc. Do they need to be? No? They despise those with an alternative view, accusing them of all sorts of nonsense.

If you see abusive posters then why are you not reporting them?

"Women should stick at relationships and work at them, regardless of their own happiness" is hardly an alternative view, is it?

"Dear women, have you considered this dominant societal message?"

So Delicious, women should rise up just for the heck of it? That has me laughing. Explains a lot about these relationship threads.

Report it? That would keep me far too busy with MN. Plus I do not get that emotionally involved here on MN.

So Delicious, women should rise up just for the heck of it? That has me laughing. Explains a lot about these relationship threads.

It explains alot about you! Why do you think women need permission or a reason to rise up. Can you put your reasons that would deem 'rising up' necessary in a memo, just so that all the women know what they can and can't do according to you?

Bathtime you have made plenty of helpful comments to me as well as supportive ones, thanks.

I didn't realise this was a hairy handed topic, I just found the debate interesting as I have had a huge amount of support on here and find it incorrect that people say the relationship board is not helpful.

Joysmum you have always spoken well of your husband when I have seen your posts which I think is a sign of a good marriage. All the best to you.

I can leave any relationship based on my own happiness.

Funnily enough no one had ever told me that before I came to MN. I had an underlying belief that you needed a valid "reason". Something the other person could see.

Acceptable reasons for "rising up":-

1. unfaithfulness
2. violent abuse
3. emotional abuse
4. he kicked my dog
5. I don't like the colour of his socks
6. I'm just not as happy with him
7. he doesn't like sherbert Etc etc

I actually don't need to have a reason that other people agree with to change my life in a way that I want to change it.

Amazing that that never occurred to me.

I don't want to rise up now because I love my dh and he makes me happy. All the mners in the world could tell me otherwise and I'd still know I was right.

I don't care if my choosing to live life my way makes me lose some abstract idea of "credibility"

I agree with the OP to an extent. I think the relationship board is fantastic, and has given countless women support over the years to leave abusive and unhappy situations, and to cope with infidelity etc.

But where it falls down ime is when people would like help in getting through a rough patch, or dealing with the fallout from one argument etc. as others have said, I wouldn't come here for relationship advice unless deep down I was really troubled about things. If I had a work through-able issue with DP I'd chat to my friends about it, they'd give a more realistic perspective.

I can't think of anything negative I could say about my relationship (and there's plenty) that couldn't be extrapolated into abuse on here. And I'm not up for that.

I wouldn't come here for relationship advice unless deep down I was really troubled about things.

Yes. That's the point. We would expect that of most people. Hence there usually being more troubled things going on.

But where it falls down ime is when people would like help in getting through a rough patch, or dealing with the fallout from one argument etc

I've definitely seen threads where people have got decent support for problems like that - perspective from people who have the same annoying failings, support, useful suggestions, humour etc.

But certainly, that type of thread can play to the board's blind spots, which include a tendency to look for abuse in seemingly innocuous situations. That tendency is also a strength, because women here do spot abuse that isn't obvious to the untrained eye.

I suppose most regulars to MN understand that - Chat and AIBU are full of threads about day to day struggles in happy partnerships. That's partly because of different posters saying different things, but you also see the Relationships "big guns" operating within those expectations.

I think the reasonably recent "have this moved to Relationships" advice pints to a shared understanding that the Relationshios board is for serious issues and not petty squabbles.

The problem with that is that newbies won't understand that, won't be familiar with the posters, the culture, the language used, and could end up getting a LTB depending on when they posted and who was around.

The first few posts can really set the tone for a thread, and that can go badly wrong. (As evidenced above when a PP was told she was overreacting when she had been raped by her husband.)

But overall I think the strengths far outweigh those weaknesses.

For something that is just a collection of people posting to help others (mostly women) who are often extreme unhappy and sometimes in dangerous situations, I think it's remarkable.

"women here do spot abuse that isn't obvious to the untrained eye"

By whom are you eyes being trained?

"your eyes"

I don't have a trained eye.

But I have an eye that can read the multiple examples on this thread alone of women who didn't realise how wrong things were in their relationship until they came here.

I think it really is a problem that so many people seriously consider themselves experts, based on nothing. Posters are constantly urged to listen to the wise women "on here" and are abused if they take a different view.

I think it really is a problem that so many people seriously consider themselves experts, based on nothing. Posters are constantly urged to listen to the wise women "on here" and are abused if they take a different view.

How do you know it is based on nothing? Could you post a link to the records you have on every poster's qualifications please? Ta.

And again, if you have views then post them on the threads that are asking for advice.

Yeah, it's a terrible, awful problem that women should think that they know anything about life and seek to support other women through things they have been through.

I mean, where will it end?

Time after time an OP posts about a single incident or argument and it turns out to be the tip of the iceberg.

By asking pertinent questions such as, "Is he always such a wanker?" "What are you getting out of this relationship?"it becomes easier to see whether it is simply a case of "DH flirted with my best fried when drunk, but no, he has never done that before and he is generally a good sort", or, "Yes he does that sort of thing all the time, actually he had an affair two years ago, and he drinks two bottles of wine every night and gets angry with the DC....."

I only ever see an immediate LTB when it is obvious LTB territory - "DP headbutted me" "DP calls me a fat cunt and refuses to work"

I agree with PP that I am usually a bit suspicious of women who think we should all stick with it "for the sake of the children" it just sounds like they are trying to justify their own unhappy choices.

It really is delusional to call abusive comments support.

It really is delusional to call abusive comments support.

What abusive comments?
If they are abusive then report them to HQ.
If you have opinions that differ post them on the thread.

Everyone who has supported the LTB posts has encouraged those that don't to POST ON THE ACTUAL THREADS.

This will add multilayered support to any poster.

You can't shy away from posting and then just whinge that the posts are not to your liking.

Either have a poo or get off the pot.

Still looking through today's threads. Can't see anywhere where posters are being routinely ordered to rise up just for the heck of it.

Perhaps that doesn't happen.

Ho hum.

Ah yes, I remember it, night after night I posted about my abusive XH, and night after night I was abused by those mners who stayed up with me, held my hand, reassured me that this wasn't normal, told me I wasn't worthless, helped with the practical side of things.

Bastards.

You know if I was a woman crying out for help then bathtime would have seen to it I never got support here. I really learned a lot from this thread but am really upset at the troll accusation. I haven't name called, swore or said anyone was wrong to leave an abusive relationship.

Bathtime don't kid yourself that you stomped on some wind up thread. You behaved in a deplorable, bullying manner. I had already acknowledged I'd misunderstood how support is given here. If I was a troll I'd have stuck to my view regardless of who I upset.

Trolls don't acknowledge when they got it wrong.