Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

We're not all part of the relationship board.

The OP is not. That's her premise.

I post here rarely, because I have no expertise to speak of.

But I value it, and I dislike watching a thread started by someone who is (claiming to be) completely new devaluing it with second-rate ideas about how it works.

The whole thread is a massive troll, and there have been lots of little nasty digs made at people along the way.

I shouldn't have lost my temper, but I don't believe any of this was straight up. I should have just reported it hours ago.

It was to you tobee. God I am so confused. I was trying to be nice and somehow you think I called you bitter and toxic. I was using it as another example of someone who felt anger towards their husband for being ill, and making the contrast between how you dealt with it (good) and how she dealt with it (bad).

Well I know I'm not a troll. I still don't think other people's ideas are second rate just because they don't chime with ones own, to claim superior ideas. I really don't think this board is going to suffer, it's pretty robust, isn't it? I think we are all part of the board aren't we, if we're mumsnet members and post here? Not you more than me. Or anyone else. Or are you a special case?

No, no, soup, I didn't think you'd called me bitter and toxic. That was a little sort of joke against myself when I hadn't meant to go so far. Sort of thought I'd get in there first, before it was turned on me! After all that had been said, a teeny tear came to my eye that you said you wanted to share. But it's got so snappy Im scared to show my vulnerability to all posters.

Bathtime I didn't realise you didn't post that often on this board. You've given good advice to me so I think you do yourself down on your lack of expertise.

I'll leave the other issue to MNHQ, I didn't see that myself although I agree there have been one or two inflammatory comments. Having said that in the most part I think it's been an interesting debate regardless of the intent of the thread or not.

I'm not a special case.

The special case is the person saying "oh, I'm not from around here, but this is why you are all wrong about everything."

Those ideas are second rate because they are unoriginal and based on ignorance.

The board is reasonably robust, but it is fragile for many reasons and I think worth defending. Having someone who claims to be new starting off here with the oldest troll complaint in the book is not really worthy of comment.

But the level of little personal digs over the afternoon rather gave the impression of someone who was here to do damage to individuals.

Individuals who have been through enough crap of their own and give generously of their time to help others is similar situations.

That is so incredibly not cool. To come into a board and needle at people like that. I don't believe for a minute it was unintentional.

Thanks iwas :)

I have followed your threads from the beginning. And I mostly post stuff that is obvious and not insightful like some on your thread, but that (I hope) is supportive.

You're right, I should have left it to MNHQ.

And also that it was (at times) an interesting discussion, which is why I kept reading it on a day I had a lot of sitting around to do.

But that was despite the OP.

Seriously, is it fragile? I had no idea. In what way?

I, personally took umbrage at people immediately making snidey comments that anyone saying their relationships were hard work meant that their relationship was in serious difficulties and feel that people should be careful in the language they use with emotive issues. No body language means loads of meaning can go astray.

I think people defend stuff so strongly here must mean it can't be fragile.

Loads of us kissed and made up, to some extent by the end. That shows strength of character, I thought?

It didn't occur to me that the OP was a troll, I'm quite dim on such matters but I give the benefit of the doubt.

You say OP and others afpgreeing were obnoxious but the opposers gave as good as they got and in some cases more. My personal sparring partner was sliceofsoup. I kept up the debate because she did, she was a bit like the terminator(!). She said she was all for women sticking up for themselves, (I oaraphrase) so I thought I would do so myself.

No one else will stick up for us, we must stick up for ourselves and champion each other.

:o at terminator though. I am quite stubborn.

I am commenting neither way on the hairy of hand. But there are certain ways that trolls behave, certain buttons they press. It gets wearing after a while, so when those behaviours appear people get pissed off.

But only MNHQ can really tell so I try to give the benefit of the doubt.

I'm always a little bit worried when women get flustered about open-ended questions about their relationships. Primarily because I used to. When I first met my ex, if anyone pointed out the obvious (nothing in common, ill-matched, unhappy, etc), I used to be terribly offended. Odd, really, because I don't get upset at all when, for example, my boss tells me my work isn't up to it's usual standard or if a friend and I disagree. I certainly wouldn't care if a stranger offered me advice I decided not to take. But then I might not ask for it.

I came here some time ago, in a completely shocked state, full of questions about my then relationship, which I had been desperately 'working at' and 'fighting for' for ages. The advice I received enabled me to understand - for the first time in an eight year relationship - that what I was experiencing was not 'ups and downs' but abuse. I genuinely didn't know, and I am far from daft, that It was abuse and at that point, I felt jointly responsible for the intense emotional, financial and psychological abuse I was subject to.

When he later physically assaulted not only me but - for the first time - my son (while the other, then 5, banged him on the back and begged him to stop), I felt utterly empowered in leaving, staying away and bringing the full weight of the law down on the vile abuser. There was no confusion, no co-dependency and no going back. I think he got off blooming lightly but he'll never work with kids again, thank goodness.

I will value the advice I received here always. I don't recall anyone, ever, directly telling me to LTB and I was treated fairly and with kindness.

I'm not saying this is applicable to you at all but I am personally very, very glad I took onboard what I needed to. This is a forum. It's like a buffet of experience. Take what you want and pile it high.

It's just, for me, I also got what I needed.

Also: 'When someone is abused or being unfaithful, I understand', as if they're equal in their atrocity and impact? Utter rot.

OMG! This threads a terminator. Don't worry for us flustered ones just yet. Sorry about your relationships with your husband.

I actually don't feel flustered, I do understand that people who've been through shit will put them on alert for others. But it can seem slightly stifling and over protective. But I'm sure it's not meanT to be.I don't think I'm dielusional. People don't say negative things about my relationship, to my face at any rate. My husband and I have loads in common but then I've known him for 35 years, been together for nearly thirty. I'm not unhappy. My favourite thing to do is to go out for meals with him and chat about loads of stuff. He makes me laugh loads and never bores me. He could have a wife and kids in the next county. I don't think so though. But if he does I hope I can come to mumsnet to be told what to do!

Soup, you keep long hours. Can mnhq really tell about trolls? Just interested.

Was referring waxing for first part.

being told to just leave isn't always brilliant advice either,especially when you only get one side of the story and it could be that the poster is slightly delusional when it comes to who is actually doing what

That is one of the reasons people ask 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?', but, in the end, garbage in, garbage out.

He wasn't my husband. Your relationship sounds dreamy. If you like that sort of thing.

What advice is it you require? How to have more chatty meals with him?

I'm a romantic, not a cynic.

However, when a poster (with a Chuckle Brother moniker) says something to the effect of: "Sure, we throw the odd plate at each other but it's harmonious" then - yeah - I smell troll.

And, personally, 'being told what to do' tells me more about your relationship (because I don't like that sort of thing) than I ever need to know.

Good luck to you both but keep it behind the pampas grass and the leaded UPVC will you?

And don't get too close to the coal effect fire in that Barbie 'good wife' pink, faux satin negligee...

Sigh. So fulfilled.

being told to just leave isn't always brilliant advice either,especially when you only get one side of the story and it could be that the poster is slightly delusional when it comes to who is actually doing what

Which is also why sometimes people don't say strictly LTB, or "you are being abused", but rather that the relationship doesn't seem healthy (sort of code for it's possible you are also being abusive).

Funny how anyone can comment on someone else keeping long hours, when they post themselves in the early hours.

But it can seem slightly stifling and over protective.

Why would it seem stifling to you that other women are protective of unhappy women in bad, and possibly dangerous, relationships?

You're in a happy relationship, so none of this applies to you.

Sure, you want to describe your relationship as being "hard work", despite how damaging the idea that women need to work hard at their relationships can be.

So fine, describe it that way. And rant about how nobody deserves anything in life. And then call other people extremists

But there is no need for you to take advice aimed at women in totally different situations from yours to heart.

Oh dear, krismint I can't even be bothered arguing the point with you, your experience and mine are so completely dissimilar

In my view, the relationship threads are not very helpful. Very predictable and the same old handful of advice. On some cases, the LTB and you are being abused are very good. However, 99.9% of the advice is along those lines no matter the circumstances.

Many posters come across as extremely bitter and seem resentful of relationships in general. Words like abuse, controlling, bullying, etc gets thrown about so much that they lose meaning.

Sometimes it may well help the poster to challenge them on their assumptions, the way they are interpreting situations, and just helping them find solutions that might work in their specific situation.

I do agree that many regulars on the relationship thread are abusive, aggressive and use unnecessarily vile language.

MrsCs - Mumsnet is an amazing place - hopefully you will hang around and find out for yourself. :)

It is one tiny little corner of the universe where women are told, actually, you don't have to put up with this, if you makes you so unhappy.

You don't need to worry about women mindlessly leaving the bastard, just because Mumsnet has told them to. Some will, but many won't. The rest of society very much pressures women to put up and shut up, and many of them will do just that.

I do wonder why some people (not you, necessarily) seem to be quite so threatened by Mumsnet's urging women to rise up. Why shouldn't unhappy women reconsider? So often, children are being raised in homes that would be far, far healthier with the parents apart.

Honestly - the societal message carries far greater weight than the tiny little Mumsnet message. Most women - unfortunately - won't leave the bastard.

And I speak as someone who only has lovely men in my life, and who urges other women to only accept lovely men in their lives.

In my view, the relationship threads are not very helpful.

Not helpful to you, clearly.

But helpful to multiple women on this thread who were supported to leave relationships that made them very unhappy.

It is really quite extraordinary to listen to women tell those stories and dismiss them.

How can a board that has provided that kind of support to multiple woman be described as "not helpful"

Oh, I see this old chestnut has cycled round again.

I suspect that at the root of all these complaints of women being encouraged to end relationships on a whim is a deep rooted fear that women can and do end relationships they are not happy,

*can and do end relationships they are not happy in.

Some people just find the idea of a woman living happily on her own (with our without children) very threatening for some reason.