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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

654 replies

MrsCs · 21/02/2015 23:16

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:20

No Twinkle, not that one line, the thread in general, had some agreements. The irony is the people who disagreed with me in an informative and helpful way have actually changed my perspective, I mostly think I was wrong. Perhaps if anyone had read my responses they would see I was reflecting on what was shared! Instead it appears to be becoming decidedly personal with the implication I'm lying about what I know about mumsnet (not sure why I would).

OP posts:
didyouwritethe · 22/02/2015 23:22

"I would look at the quality of the posts of the people who are apparently agreeing with you."

Oh, Twinklestein, you are a one.

How many degrees did you say you had?

BathtimeFunkster · 22/02/2015 23:22

you did just trivialise a serious form of abuse. You may not like the fact that you did but you are going to have to own it

Jesus, you really are a goady little fucker, aren't you?

You've been needling away with nasty little accusations throughout the thread and (falsely) claiming to be an innocent ingenue who just wanted to "understand" why it was OK for women to tell other women that they don't have to stay in relationships that don't make them happy.

Twinklestein · 22/02/2015 23:24

didyouwritethe 2.5 billion. I hope this helps.

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:25

That is so weirdly biased and aggressive I don't have any idea how to answer.

OP posts:
TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 23:26

Fwiw I do believe the OP is a fairly new poster, and has been able to accept alternative views etc whilst on this thread.

MrsCs - agian, I don't wish to patronise, but this site is regularly trolled and sometimes the hairy handed friends might state some things in a similiar way to what you have.

It's a massive site with a gazillion posters so absolute agreement is not usual or even necessary.

Sometimes people just have a shitty day and are a bit off of snarky - just like real life that bit Wink

Also it is often the first time that posters have had a place to talk so frankly and openly on every topic under the sun without all the usual social constructs that require us to defer to men/others or face the consequences iyswim?

All these things put together can make it a minefield for a new poster.

But as I said before, stick around and it'll grow on you like an insidious verrucca

sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 23:27

I trivialized nothing.

That comment really sums up the whole thread actually. Abuse on any level is still abuse. Gaslighting between two people in a relationship, or gaslighting on an internet forum. Its still gaslighting.

tobee · 22/02/2015 23:27

Jeez, soup, I wish I had left it at "we'll have to agree to differ"! I wasn't saying you were extremist earlier, I said you use extremist language.eg. "That's the truth". You sound to me like someone who has swallowed a self help book at times, but when you ameliorate your language, you put your point across much better. Chapter 1 in self help book: if someone disagrees with you, you just turn to them and say "that says more about you than about me" . Chapter 2 constantly go on about how sad and sorry you are for others who haven't seen the light, even if that sounds patronising. It's ok, to some people it might be mistaken for caring, not self righteousness.

If you have read a self help book, and it's worked for you, that's great. Read 'em myself in my day. They've worked for me too. But they don't always work for everyone else!

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 23:28

Oh and sometimes people are just spoiling for a fight... you'll just learn to ignore and move on Smile

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:29

Thank you Thegirl, if there is a way of showing how long I've been a member I'm happy to show I'm not lying?

I'm not a troll and never meant to come across as one.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 23:31

tobee

I haven't mentioned you in a post for over an hour so I am not sure what you are referring to.

And I have never read a self help book. Confused

tobee · 22/02/2015 23:32

MrsC, do post on health forums if you need to. People are universally on there. They're just mostly lovely on here!

Twinklestein · 22/02/2015 23:32

tobee seems to have read a lot of them apparently...

tobee · 22/02/2015 23:32

*universally lovely

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:32

Well soup the definition you posted says deliberately trying to make someone doubt their own sanity. You have repeatedly accused me of thinking I am more valid than anyone else (in spite of my admitting to being less informed and overall wrong in response to what people have said). You have nothing to back up that accusation and thus by your own definition have actually gaslighted me.

I personally think we picked each other up wrong and neither of us intended abuse, we just didn't agree one something.

You pick, either under your definition we 'gaslighted' each other, or we simply misunderstood each other.

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/02/2015 23:33

I do have to wonder who is spoiling for a fight.
I did give the benefit of the doubt initially, but I'm not entirely sure.

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:34

Thank you tobee :). It's been a rough few weeks health wise, count down to labour now!

OP posts:
tobee · 22/02/2015 23:34

Twinkle, where d'ya get that one from?

Just random abuse now, is it? Or does that just apply to my posts, in your book?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 23:34

Honestly, don't sweat it. No-one has to prove anything to anyone at all. If it gets too much just use the 'hide thread' function and move on.

I think I can see your changing attitude thoughout the thread to be honest. Some might not. Some just aren't arsed even if they can see it.

Its anonymous and not personal, even if the advice dispensed is; so not worth stressing over.
Especially if you are very preggers or have a new born (couldn't tell which) but either way you probably don't need any additional stress.

sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 23:35

I repeatedly did nothing. Go read the posts back. Seriously.

Not agreeing is fine. Twisting peoples words is not. And you are still doing it.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/02/2015 23:36

Another classic x-post by me there Grin Good luck with your imminent arrival MrsCs Flowers

tobee · 22/02/2015 23:37

Sorry soup, I was off having my real life for an hour or so. Couldn't let it pass though, just like you.

Original poster
MrsCs · 22/02/2015 23:37

36 weeks pregnant, also have a 21 month old, a lovely dose of SPD, just out of hospital with pleurisy and pneumonia so perhaps I'm being more of an arse than normal unintentionally! I did have a tearful meltdown about the lack of red Leicester yesterday so not at my best lol

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 22/02/2015 23:39

Tobee my last post to you was at 21.44 and was talking about your husbands illness. I wasn't having a go at all on this thread, but especially not then. So I really am not following now.

Twinklestein · 22/02/2015 23:41

You keep banging on about them tobee I've never read one. I rather assumed you knew what you were talking about, but perhaps not...