Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

"I do not believe that people should stay together when unhappy but I don't think the emotional fall out of walking away should be ignored either. I genuinely don't think it's realistic to say people wont feel pain and hurt after a separation."

That is what you wrote. To write something like that this far into a discussion comes across as you are basing it on this discussion, and suggesting that posters on this thread have previously said things that have led to you saying this.

You seem to have a knack for making very pointed statements OP, and then claiming you don't know because you are new. You have done it repeatedly on this thread. I am all for educating people, but not when they use their ignorance as a get out claus for shitty thread etiquette.

MrsCs no-one expects you to know anything, they really don't.

Sometimes words on a screen are hard to interpret. The nuances of speech just don't come out well, but, Slice was most definitely not having a pop and you perhaps haven't understood her well I think.

Now I have splinters in my arse from fence sitting, but honestly,you will get used to the rather robust posting style on MN if you stick around I promise

I find it bizarre to take issue with Slice specifying 'women'. This is Mumsnet, the vast majority of people posting here in abusive relationships are women. If it were Dadsnet it would be different...

Soup you seem determined to see my posts as offensive regardless of content. I'm not trying to be in anyway and if it's coming across as such then it is genuinely unintentional. Explaining I am new to this is not a 'get out clause' I am trying to learn about the forum. I didn't read my post as implying someone else had said something, just trying to explain why I posted.

Perhaps I am not great at explaining my point, I imagine not everyone who posts on here is. Good thing I've got you to point out that not only am I crap at learning it, being new is a rubbish excuse, very welcoming!

No OP, it is you that is determined to jump on minor details of my posts in order to feel like your point is more valid. As Twinkle said, picking up on my use of the word "women" was bizarre, and in my opinion goady.

The problem OP is not that you have failed to understand how abbreviations work but that you keep making claims about what has supposedly been said on these forums without any firm basis in fact.

Surely you understand how the rules of discourse work?

Can't be bothered to read the entire thread but I agree with your OP MrsCs Yes,relationships can be bad or have problems,but people ignoring the good doesn't help,being told to just leave isn't always brilliant advice either,especially when you only get one side of the story and it could be that the poster is slightly delusional when it comes to who is actually doing what

MrsCs, what you will find on this part of MN is that some posters have to win and if you disagree with them, you have to lose. Black and white.

Look I have found this thread really helpful in terms of learning more about the forum and why people give the advice they do on here. Thank you to everyone who answered like that.

Unfortunately after being accused of thinking I 'know better' preaching 'dogma' and being told to specify 'who said what' every single time I post I think it's time to lay this to rest.

I did not mean to offend anyone on here, I do not feel more 'valid' than anyone else (how bizarre). I will be more careful what and where I post from now on. I'm not going to get involved in further arguing because that was never my intention.

OP, good questions.

"Surely you understand how the rules of discourse work?"

Oh, TripTrap

I feel gas lighted to be honest.

For the OPs benefit

Gaslighting

Surely you understand how the rules of discourse work?

It goes like this: if you make an general allegation or observation that has no real basis in fact, some people are going to take issue with it. This is the case whether you're at work, in the pub, at home with your family or online.

Who doesn't know that?

I don't need to be right (which is good because I rarely am) I just don't appreciate having my words twisted.

Given my observation was agreed with by a number of posters Twinkle, I don't think you can reasonably suggest no one has felt that way (thus cancels out the no basis in fact). Also as I've now learned I was missing tons of threads I've probably had a skewed sense of perspective.

Soup, having read that I'm going to hope you are not seriously comparing our disagreeing in a couple of replies, where I've said I did not mean to offend, to a serious for of abuse.

I'm not going to get involved in further arguing because that was never my intention.

Wha was your intention exactly?

For someone who knows so little about mumsnet you sure know a hell of alot about mumsnet. You cant have it both ways.

*form

So because a couple of posters agreed with you, you are going to ignore the majority that didn't. Are you playing MN bingo?

Gaslighting takes on many shapes and forms. You are still twisting my words.

My intention was, as I said, to understand why people seemed to quite frequently quickly discuss separation and ask 'what are you getting from this'. What I learned was that posting here is often a last resort and some people are good at picking up on abusive undertones really going on.

Also that the questions were meant to make to poster reflect, no suggesting that there was nothing good in their relationship. It's kind of changed the way I understand those responses now.

I was told a second ago I don't know anything about posting I know supposedly come across as knowing a hell of a lot....confused!!

You know more than you let on. That much is clear.

Read my post below soup, I've actually had my mindset changed a lot by the answers given. I'm not twisting your words, I was wrong to pick up on the women point, but you did just trivialise a serious form of abuse. You may not like the fact that you did but you are going to have to own it.

Technically if you are over applying the definition, as you are, you are just as guilty by claiming I consider myself more valid. Find me one line where I said I know better than anyone else. I do not think my opinion is any more important than anyone else on here.

Really? I've not seen anyone agree with you that 'emotional fall out of walking away' has is 'ignored' here, or that it's generally advised that 'it's realistic to say people won't feel pain and hurt after a separation'. I've never seen that said here even once.

I would look at the quality of the posts of the people who are apparently agreeing with you.