Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Bobs yes it does take a bit of adjusting when they go not just emotionally but practically too. As you say walks and so forth are things that you momentarily forget you don't need to do anymore. Pleased you are trying to be positive.

Pleased you found it helpful to be at work, being busy is good really, it does take your mind off everything for a bit. Hope your mediation meeting goes ahead and that you make some progress in it.

Sorry wrong thread!! but hopefully supportive and not abusive!

iwashappy you speak with great perception, I think. The irony is we mostly seem to be on the same side and a lot of it is down to semantics.

sideofsoup, in all seriousness, when my husband was diagnosed as ill, I found it hard not to get angry with him for not being tested earlier (just an age related test) and for using it against him when I was frustrated. So that kind of blurs the lines between life and relationships, doesn't it?

People might say "well he was a bad husband/dad for not getting seen to earlier" which might be a point at a stretch, but I think the illness makes me think, above all, he's a human being, not just a man, and so I have compassion for him. I, as a human being, would be, probably, just as faulty.

People might say "well he was a bad husband/dad for not getting seen to earlier

Not sure anyone would say that, actually.
Did you really get cross with him for not going to the doctor early enough just based on age if there were no symptoms? Why?

I am not sure. I have never been in that position, but I think thats probably a very normal reaction, and your eventual conclusion that he is just human tells me you were able to separate your relationship from the situation.

Having an "easy" (for want of a better word) relationship does not mean you are never annoyed or angry or frustrated with the other person. Me saying a relationship shouldn't be hard work is in no way implying that every relationship should be all sunshine and singing birds. Just that they are an equal set up of give and take.

Tobee yes I think that most people posting will be on the same side so to speak - eg they want the best for the person posting. Obviously that support can manifest itself in many different ways.

Sorry about your husband's ill health. x

My issue with John's post is I have now had at least ten replies saying 'post on the individual thread'. I've agreed that is a good point, and acknowledged I'm new to the forum, getting to grips with how it works. I've now learned how to search threads and also that there are sticky threads at the top from posting this.

Constantly repeating the same point again and again when I've agreed it doesn't add anything to the discussion and is quite frankly boring. I politely answered again and again but really, I only have so much patience!

Also the comment about dogma was quite hurtful because I've been very clear I was expressing my opinion and that I don't think it's any more valid than anyone else's. I feel like there's been a need to insist I'm forcing my view rather than actually just discussing it. I've found some answers very interesting and don't feel the need to accuse the individual of thinking they are more informed than me just because they don't agree.

I do not believe that people should stay together when unhappy but I don't think the emotional fall out of walking away should be ignored either. I genuinely don't think it's realistic to say people wont feel pain and hurt after a separation. Leaving is often the right answer but there are times when people could work through things and move forward.

RTFT (read the fucking thread) is a very useful expression. Ignore people who have ignored your previous updates.

As for breaking up, IME, it's more the case that people stay for longer than they should than the opposite. At least in Relationships.

Sometimes people may post at a stage where their relationship can be salvaged, but it can't be done by one party only. And in those cases being prepared to walk away may be the only way for the other partner to actually work on the relationship.

lol thanks lwe, learning lots from this!!

No one is saying there is no pain and hurt after a separation. Where on this thread has that been said?

Of course separation is painful, its an upheaval of entire lives. Your plan for the future has to be reassessed and re worked.

But the pain of leaving is something that will improve with time. Staying in a bad relationship isn't going to improve. Situations can improve, life can improve, but a relationship based on inequality and abuse won't improve. And as I already said, to give women in that position even a shred of hope will only prolong their suffering.

Mrs C that is fair enough, I had noticed that you mentioned you were intending to post replies on threads.

I totally agree with you about how hard it can be to end a relationship and that it is rarely done lightly. Even if you know that it is totally the right decision and don't have any doubt about that it is bloody hard and continues to be for a long time afterwards.

I think the issue with people working through problems in a relationship is that from some of the comments that OPs make it can seem that there is only one person making an effort in that relationship. For it to be worthwhile, eg likely that the issues can be resolved, both parties need to be prepared to make the effort and from some of the relationships that are posted about it seems the effort only comes from the OP.

Pleased you are learning lots, you will learn a lot more if you stick around for a while!

I find it concerning, soup, that you again single out 'women'. Relationships are not only abusive towards women, men can be victims too. Also although it is 'mumsnet' there is occasional male posters.

I never said anyone had said pain was ignored, I was explaining why I think separation is also a difficult choice. It is possible to post something without it being a quote or 'aimed' specifically from something someone else has said.

Thank you iwas :), I'm finding mumsnet a generally very interesting place with lots of great people on here (I haven't only posted about relationships and recently got some lovely support when I was in hospital with pneumonia, also 36 weeks pregnant so was feeling a bit grumpy)

Women here is often used as shorthand for person. We all know that men can be abused too, but more often than not women are the ones who are financially and physically abused. They are more often than not the ones who have to do the vast majority of housework and who have to hold the babies. So, most people tend to talk about women rather than men. But... men who are abused and come to Relationships are also advised to leave the bitch.

Now you are just trying to be contrary.

Of course abuse is also directed towards men, and there are male posters on mumsnet. But abuse towards males specifically hasn't once been mentioned on this thread, yet you say I have "again singled out women." In that case, so has every other poster on this thread.

It is possible to post something without it being a quote or 'aimed' specifically from something someone else has said.

That isn't what you were doing. You were implying that posters were saying something because they hadn't specified that they weren't saying that something.

I assume then that I must ensure to clarify everything I do mean as well as everything I do not mean. Don't be so ridiculous.

Thank you Lweji. That is better put. :o

I did not know women is used for both on here, show me where that is bloody laid out for non forum experts?? Most people have said 'relationships' not specifying women.

No I did not imply anyone had said anything! I stated my opinion on why I think separation would be a difficult choice. You cannot create an implication out of thin air, i.e. don't be ridiculous!

MrsCs I'm glad you have found the site useful, but just one more thing is that more often than not posters will refer to women, but it goes without saying, that they know the same problems can be had by men.
It's just that in almost every aspect of life the male perspective is considered to be the default position. We (women) are constantly second to the male first. Everywher from RL situations, to internet forums - male perspective is considered first and foremost.

It is a refreshing change on MN to switch that about on it's head iyswim. I don't feel the need to clarify every single time that men can be victims/unsupported/abused too. And of course, it is mumsnet

Oops x-post cos I went to make a

Thank you Thegirl, I genuinely did not know that, it's amazing what you are just expected to know on here :(.

You are just being difficult now, aren't you?

(cross posts, but you were on your previous post)

Where on earth has anyone ever said that people 'won't feel pain and hurt after separation'???

This forum has many threads by women having a very tough time after their relationship ends.

I feel like I'm reading a different forum from some posters.

No, both of you explaining women is the default reference, not excluding men was helpful. I do not want to argue with anyone on here. I'm not sure why it's coming across otherwise, I've seen 'goady' or 'reverse' (think that's the term) posts and I have no intention of posting like that.

Maybe if you've been here a while it's easy to forget how confusing the style and abbreviations are for a newbie?