Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Well, I have taken my own advice that I gave you earlier whatthe, currently in bed with iPad and planning on getting to sleep shortly as have to face work tomorrow! My eyes feel tired. Thank you for your kind words xxx

He is very quiet. Not saying much at all. Looks sad most of the time but I try not to look at him much now as I just don't want the guilt trip. He said sorry for the comments about the food earlier. This is unprecedented!

Just caught up with yours btw, wtf is he on about! Your ds going off the rails.. He really is a prize twat isn't he, I was like when I read it.

I know

I hope you sleep well. Concentrate on your breath if the thoughts are too consuming. It helps me sometimes xx

Ah yes! While you still have your own washing machine, do as much as you can! I'm sure the rental one will be fine, but it's always easier to use the one you're familiar with.

Does sound like he's trying to give you the old "poor me, look how I'm going to have to live" routine. Ah well, I'm sure he'll cope!

Crap nights sleep but hey ho! I'm more than used to it now.

He came to bed last night, said "I love you, and I'm sorry"

This week is going to be a hard week

Oh god it's exhausting isn't it?

You will get through it, I promise.

Just keep your eyes on the prize. And keep posting here! X

Is there any way you can sleep separately even if you bunk in with a kid ?

you need to physically keep as much distance as you can and cut off as many opportunities for him to soft soap you as possible

he is going to ramp it up this week

when do you move out ?

Have spent most of morning being sick with mild anxiety attack thrown in, ffs! I'm not in a great place mentally atm and I'm fed up, tired and emotionally drained by all of this

AF we don't have a spare bed, I could use the sofa for a few nights I guess but he tends to go to bed after me. Its a big enough bed whereby we can sleep very much apart if we need to, have already done so for months now anyway, there has been no physical relationship between us for as long as I can remember [embarrassed to admit that here as my oldest has been following this thread]

Hoping to move by Friday, although to be honest I want to do it sooner.

Going to GP this morning, I know I need to get back into work but I just don't feel ready. I'm going to leave my job in the hands of fate right now (I had started looking around anyway, in fact had an interview lined up for somewhere else tomorrow, but I've cancelled it) and hope by the end of this week I'll start feeling sane again.

Oh According - it's entirely understandable. Remember that splitting up a relationship is in the top 5 most stressful events of your life, as is moving house - you're looking at doing 2 at once!

Your boss will hopefully be understanding, ditto your GP.

As far as your H - well he's going to try every angle he can to stop you leaving, just try and see it for what it is, more manipulation. I am sure he doesn't want you to leave - but I'm equally sure it's not due to anything other than pure selfishness on his part. Even his sadness will be because he's thinking about how it's going to affect him - at no point will he be worrying about how it will affect you or the girls.

Well after my wobble this morning, been to GP and she was absolutely lovely, spent time talking to me and listening. She was also quite up to speed on emotional abuse, which was a blessing!

She has signed me off work for a week but I called my manager afterwards and had another long chat with her, I said it wasn't so much the work but just the additional stuff that went with it, the constant calls and extra layers of stress in the office I feel I can't deal with right now. Anyway, she has agreed I can have a reduced caseload for the time being. Have spent this afternoon with her at her house, working on a big report due in on Wednesday. It was really nice to be able to focus on one thing, and take my mind off the current shit going on. We even had a little giggle together, it felt really good.

She has agreed I can work some more from home tomorrow and take leave as soon as I hear anything from estate agents with green light to go, I just need to let her know what's going on. I haven't heard a darned thing from them today though, am glad I haven't been home all day depressed about that! Going to call tomorrow. Quick question though, landlord has given me his contact details, after we met on Saturday. Shall I just go straight to him about this or wait?

Oh and forgot to mention, when I walked in I found DH sat in front of his computer staring forlornly at bank statements and spreadsheets!

lovely boss you have

She really is AF, I am grateful for her being around right now, and that lovely GP this morning. They have both bolstered my spirits a bit. Don't have anyone I am close to nearby, so while it's great I have you guys here it's nice to have a real person to talk to, if that makes sense?

of course

it also sounds like both of those women think you are doing completely the right thing (which you are)

Well I hope so but I am missing a large part of the puzzle, what do you think about contacting landlord direct?

I was thinking along the lines of "hi there (landlords) I was wondering if you had heard anything from estate agents yet? As you know we are really keen to move as soon as possible" would that be improper/against potential tenant etiquette (if such a thing exists?)

Sorry

that communication sounds ok to me

(have never dealt with a landlord)

No worries, I am targeting you as you are here (thanks) I was going to leave it until lunchtime tomorrow anyway and hope to have heard from estate agents by then.

I'd give it till lunchtime tomorrow as you said and then bug them. I love how your H is trying to make you feel sorry for him. Your boss sounds amazing and she must think you're a keeper for her to do all this for you. give the girls a squish from me and take one for yourself. xxx

Very glad to hear you have an understanding boss. I think the fact that you are so candid with her probably helps.

I hope things are okay with you tonight, Steve. I know you posted on my thread so you know where I'm at. You will be there soon. Just hold onto that thought. We're right behind you xx

Thanks both

So last night was all about the money. After he spent a lot of the evening sighing at his bank statements and spreadsheets, I am asked if I am going to take over paying for mine and DD's mobile phone contracts which have magically turned into about £100 per month.

Now I have just checked this on our joint account and the direct debits are for £23.00, £28.00 and £30.00. So this covers mine, my DD and my DH phone.

He later dragged my oldest into a discussion re; finances as she genuinely wants to help out and her job is to help people with financial problems. He printed out his spreadsheet for her, the one he was sighing over. She has offered to go through both our money together. I had to tell her to stop doing this in the kitchen, he is playing the poor me card and dragging her into it, bit pissed off with him about that.

He offered to move into the dining room. I said it would not help.

He said he is going to have to walk to work when his bus pass runs out. I commented well, it would help him get healthier.

He also said he is going to have to cancel his monthly subscription to online game. Oh dear, the game you played all the fucking time and ignored us all while playing it? well what a shame. I KNOW there is no way on this earth that monthly subscription will be cancelled.

Seething a little bit inside. Now its all becoming a reality for him, perhaps he should have attempted to sort things out between us and not behaved like he has for so long.

Rather missing the point but - the phone contracts seem quite high to me. I pay for mine and my 3 dses, and they come to around £10-2 per month each. That's unlimited texts, minutes and GB data.

Re him - it is usually around this time that they suddenly realise exactly what they are losing! I mean - laundry, warm, clean bed, food on the table, company when they want it... all will soon have to be done by him, poor thing

Agree -the online game will be his only luxury, now that he can't run a car, afford to drink or eat, poor thing (again)

Tough.

Well he must obviously pay for his own phone bill, & you should renegotiate yours & your DD. the rest is his problem, I mean, is his on line game sub. more important than a bus pass? it's not your problem. the eejit

I would just call the estate agent & ask when you get the keys, as you need to organize a removal van. set up internet etc. if they are useless just tell them you'll ring the landlord. I assume you have signed & paid deposit, they are just being incompetent

Once you are in your new home, life will be SO much calmer & you can "be yourself" sing Bliss

thank you ptumbi I do know he has just renewed all of our contracts and we both got new phones from it, so this might be why its so high. To be fair I didn't really get involved with it. The contracts for all three phones are in his name but I wouldn't want to leave him paying for them and of course I want to contribute, I just thought £100 was a bit excessive!

Hi there mix56 we haven't signed anything yet or paid deposit. I will be calling them today though. Indeed I need to sort removals/internet/notifying people of my new address etc.

He has offered to take a few days off to help me with the move

Tell him you don't need his "help"

You will start as you mean to go on, and this is to be ^independent" of his shit

and I am stuck here.. feel so deflated right now.

Estate agents informed me that as I am still in probation period at work I am either going to need confirmation from work that they are taking me on as perm, or I need a guarantor.

Have texted manager to explain this, hoping she can help but don't feel too hopeful. Asking DH to be a guarantor doesn't sit well with me right now