Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

No, don't ask him to be a guarantor.

Parents ?

My mother is in a rental, we hardly speak to be honest.

Father, well, I referred to him earlier in thread (if you remember) No chance!

Only hope is with work then! not heard anything back yet but she might be in a meeting.

any mileage in your adult daughter taking on the agreement in just her name ?

Could you try a private let?

Hi Steve,

Sorry you are feeling deflated at the moment...it will pass.

Just hold out until you know either way from your manager...if its a no-no then we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Please don't ask him to be guarantor, nor agree for him to help with the move. You do not want anything from this man anymore. As AF said, you need to be independent from him. You can do it, keep us updated, we will work it out!

Adult DD is a contractor in her current role, she has a new job which is perm but she hasn't yet got a start date so sadly, she isn't an option.

Hi christina to be honest, if we lose out on this one I'll just stay on the books with current agency (we have already paid out for credit/referencing checks with them) until end of March (when I DO go perm)

So unless my manager comes back to me and says, sorry we were planning on letting you go at the end of your probation, there is still a crumb of hope there. Might be able to persuade letting agents to proceed on the basis that I haven't received notice from them.

Just gutted I'll have to face another three to four weeks here if it falls through

Thank you whatthe and AF X

Good, so there is still hope, focus on that for now

Let's hope your manager is happy to write something. I know I've written, "based on current work x will be completing the probation period on x-date" which is a great way to say, 'providing x doesn't do anything out of the ordinary, she's in!'

Yes, all is not lost, there is still hope (there is always hope) xx

Your boss has come through for you so far, really really well. I'm assuming you've told her some of what you're going through, so she knows what's going on in your life - I believe she will do what she can to help you get this place and away from your H, because, to a large extent, it is in her own interest to do so.
Once you're away/moved etc., your personal stress levels will reduce which will allow you to return to work properly and do your job at normal levels, because you won't have all this shit going on in the background.

Win for her!

She won't want to find someone else for your job (recruitment costs/time) unless you're shit at it - and let's face it, if you were shit at it, she wouldn't be helping you out now, you'd probably have had the notice to quit already.

So - keep your chin up, things are not as bad as they look.
Tell your H that he can stick his phone contracts, you'll be getting your own thanks, especially as he can't seem to count properly. OR, if you want to keep the number (I wouldn't, as he knows it) then yes, get the contract signed over to you and then negotiate it down to a sane level, assuming that he's actually telling the truth (doubtful).

Absolutely do NOT ask your H to be a guarantor, what are you thinking?!
He's a control freak, remember? You don't want to give him more control over your life once you've moved out, you want to give him ZERO control over your life!

It will come, you will re-learn your patterns whereby you really can ignore your H and his wishes because they are irrelevant to you. You just need to remember that!

what a roller coaster! Hopefully your manager will vouch for you. I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed. If this place doesn't work out, you will find another. In the long road of your life, this is just a small bump.

As for him, others are right, you need to be independent. When a friend went through a bad divorce, she refused to let her X into her new place. She said she wanted NO memories of him being insider her new home. She didn't want to be sitting on the sofa and 'see' him sitting in a chair acting like an idiot or saying something cruel.

So, if I'm reading right, he tried to 'cheat' you into paying £100 for your two phones which in essence would have paid for his, too? Shows you right there what kind of a person he is, doesn't it?

OP, I am delurking to say you are doing amazing things every single bloody minute of the day right now. The occasional wobble is only to be expected.

When you are disentangling yourself from a bad relationship, especially one with someone who is prone to self pity, martyrdom and emotional blackmail (yes, I speak from experience), it is so easy to find yourself falling back into your default mode of deferring to them, appeasing them, or involving them in stuff to make them feel better. You do not have to do this, you really really don't.

You might feel guilty about what seems to you to be an unacceptable degree of detachment - how can you be so cold, cutting them off, etc etc, but this is only because you have been conditioned to put them so far above any consideration for yourself, that a perfectly normal degree of independence seems really extreme.

Just keep checking back here - you are getting some brilliant advice, and you will be fine after this crappy phase is over. Actually, you'll be better than fine, you'll be glowing, inside and out .

Don't let him help you move, this is your space and you don't want him setting foot inside it

sorry to hear of temporary glitch. tell him to sleep on the sofa in the mean time. or buy a sofa bed, you may need one in the new house !

Met with Landlord today... we had long chat... He said he didn't care about credit checks etc,

If your boss can't help with anything in writing just yet then now might be the time to make a personal appeal direct to the landlord. You said you had his number I think.

I'd speak directly to the landlord again as both you and DD are in work. You never know!

Agree !

How's it going, Steve? X

The only caveat I would offer re. attempting to bypass the agent is that, if the LL agrees, you'll have to deal with the LL directly in future. This might be ok - but it might not either, depending on how good a person and LL the man is.
I'm overseas, so my property is fully managed by my agents, as I am in a different timezone etc - and I a) wouldn't want to put my tenants to the cost of calling me in emergencies and b) wouldn't want to have to deal with them myself from over here - it's far better for all concerned to have the agents to deal with it.

I realise your potential LL seems to be local, but that doesn't mean they'll be available whenever you need something; nor does it mean it will be dealt with as soon as you bring it to their attention. Agents are helpful in these situations (usually!)

So I'd hold off on trying to bypass the agent, until you've exhausted other possibilities - I'm sure your boss will be helpful under the circs, as I said before. :)

Is it the agent insisting on credit checks for their own purposes (for example to potentially minimise the trouble they'd have if you were unreliable) or is it something they just offer the landlord?

In the latter case he might give permission for them to ignore that part of the process at his risk. After all, even if a potential tenant has a job this month and moves in it doesn't guarantee one in a few months time. As long as the rent is paid then that would be fine. Worth asking the agent or the landlord why the credit check is necessary.

Good morning everyone, some food for thought raised here!

Thumb your first post re; work and replacing me. Absolutely spot on! where I work at the moment they have a rolling recruitment programme going on and a massive problem with retention, especially for experienced workers so I do have that one thing in my favour, although honestly, I am not complacent enough to think they are desperate to hang on to me at my current capacity (which is around 50% or below) but my manager is fully aware of my current situation.

Not even going to think about the bloody phone contracts at the moment. I am certainly going to ask for evidence of the cost, rather than what he says it is.

I wasn't thinking of asking DH to be a guarantor, just mentioned that he would be the only option I have for one and the idea of it didn't sit well with me at all.

My manager didn't get back to me yesterday, I know the estate agents are going to chase her today but to be fair, all she can really say is that I am currently on probation but this is due to end at the end of March. I haven't been given notice that they intend to end my employment with them so it is safe to assume I will continue working there after March.

I feel really down about potentially missing out on this particular house though. I really did fall in love with it, its perfect for what we need. I have looked online and there are others on the market locally to where are looking, so if we do lose out on this one then at least there are other options.

Petra thank you for delurking to share your experience and for your kind words X Yes I am feeling very very guilty about detaching, I do still care for DH very much. He was in nice mode last night and we talked for a bit. It just makes me feel sad things have come to this now However, despite this I NEED to focus on what is best for my youngest, the atmosphere she has been living in and the fact that she does not seem that bothered about moving says a lot. Have read a lot of threads on here over the last couple of weeks, the last thing I want her to experience is this relationship, I don't want her to have a similar relationship in her future because it has been normalised for her.

Homebird I am going to contact Landlord today and explain the hold up. He might come back with something positive, who knows?

Thumb he (LL) told me when I saw him that he only used letting agents for introductions, I think he is planning on managing the tenancy himself. This is obviously going to be an unknown factor in the whole thing (for me) and we have had negative experiences from landlord managed lets in the past but I cant let this put me off. All I can say it that he seemed to be really nice when we met.

to everyone for your continued support, its very much appreciated, thank you X

You are amazingly strong, well done

Sounds like you have your eyes wide open with the whole thing, According and do you know, that's a lot more than many people in your situation do.

You are doing so very very well, it's brilliant - if you think that the LL will be ok with managing the let himself, then give it a go. If he likes you and is happy with your situation without the credit reference check pass, then take it with both hands. If it doesn't work out you can always move on again in a few months - but it gets you the first step out of your current abode and situation, and that's the main thing.

Thanks to both of you Christina and Thumb

I sent a text to Landlord earlier "Hi (landlord) just thought I would drop a quick line regarding the delay. It seems I still have about three weeks left on my probationary period at work and the estate agents need to know from my manager that they are keeping me on afterwards. I have explained that I haven't received any notice from work that they are not keeping me on so its safe to assume my job will be ongoing but this is not acceptable to them. For us we remain very very keen on the property and wish to move as soon as possible. Kindest regards"

To which I have just received the following response "Thanks for keeping me up to date, having met you, I am not too worried about all the credit referencing, so if you want me to skip all that then we can sign the tenancy agreement whenever you are ready"

Of course, I have snapped this offer up! He is going to contact Estate Agents today.

Oh MY! looks like we are actually really really moving! my youngest is going to be so excited! Now I need to pick my sullen back side off the floor and start boxing things up! I haven't let myself do much these last couple of days as I almost convinced myself I am not going to be able to move!

Woo hoo, great news