Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Yes pretty much that's it. I met my manager Monday and Tuesday and we have talked face to face. Have gone through my case/workload. Have offered to be on end of phone at all times.

I really don't want to jeopardise anything honestly, but right now cannot face the day to day dealings with work. I do get a lot of shit thrown at me that I need to be in good headspace to handle. Immediately I am not there. Been so worried about DD. Feeling better about that after today.

Just had call from estate agents, landlords want to meet with me tomorrow. Any idea what that might be about?

No idea about landlord, but if it was bad news surely they would have called you rather than waste their time meeting you? Sounds like it could be a positive thing? Disclaimer: I know nothing of these things! But have my fingers crossed for you

Maybe the landlords just want to get a personal feel for you - I know I've met both my tenants, although the second set was after they'd moved in (perforce as I was in Australia - but as soon as I got back to the UK I met them). I wouldn't see that as a negative.

I agree with Thumb, I'm sure the LLs just want a look at you, and Feck, if they'd decided you were a 'no go' they'd have told you.

I understand about work. I do think I'm a 'weird one', I used to do some of my 'best' work during emotional times. I couldn't really figure out why, other than it was a 'distraction' and that I was extremely careful and exacting simply because I was worried that my emotional self would be prone to errors. It was always harder meeting with clients than just doing the paperwork I'll admit. I was lucky to have coworkers who would swap casework in exchange for taking some of my face to face meetings. Also lucky to have a manager who didn't care how we did our work as long as it was done on time and properly. But you know yourself, your abilities, and your workplace certainly better than I do!!

Things do seem to keep moving in a good direction, don't they? Soon you will be past the hurdles and settled into a more positive life, I'm sure of it.

How are you today, Steve?

Hey there whatthe, thank you for asking after me

Ok this morning, yes. Its now all out in the open with DD and DH. He has been strangely ok, about everything. Asked me this morning when I was planning on moving out, said not sure yet as haven't had the green light from estate agents but hopefully next week.

Met with Landlord today, he was late! (grr) we had long chat, the house was one he had grown up in, went to school locally and also went to the secondary my youngest is going to now. His Dad had built it. He said he didn't care about credit checks etc, just wanted someone in there long term. Anyway, he seemed ok. Although my oldest is a bit worried (we have had some batshit crazy landlords in the past) but guess we are going to have to take him at face value and hope he is not also bat shit crazy!

So, just need green light to go go go now. DH is being very good about our "stuff" I don't think its going to be a problem sorting it out now. He has taken youngest out into town this afternoon.

Youngest DD is actually "excited" about moving, which was totally unexpected!

Oh wow what an update! So he knows?

And he seems calm. Wow. Well, just be careful as it may not have sunk in properly, this is his initial reaction. He may act differently once it's sunk in.

At least there are no secrets now and no creeping about. Good news on the house front!

And your daughter is happy, that's amazing!

You've done so well.

What's to fight for ? you don't love him, he is manipulating you.
Take yourself & your baby out of there asap. the house is sold, you get your share, NO ONE is better than life with this excuse of a man

Fingers crossed it stays this peaceful. xxx

So pleased at how quickly you've made progress
I'm cheering you on but also urging you to not let your guard down completely, his mood may change although I sincerely hope it doesn't. Try to contain your inner glee
Hope that you have someone around to help you on the big day

I'm so glad things are moving apace. You do never know about people, do you? Hopefully he's realized that he's pushed you as far as he can and that you are done done done.

I hope that he is indeed going to follow through with his current reaction. But be prepared for him to change. Be prepared to find things very difficult, for him to refuse to allow you to take stuff, for there to be emotional manipulation etc. etc.

He might not do any of that, of course - but it's best to be prepared for the worst, rather than lulled into a false sense of security. I will cheer with the rest of you when you are out with all your stuff and safely ensconced in your new home - but til then, I'll be biting my nails.

Morning lovely ladies; I really look forward to reading your comments on my thread you have really helped me get my thinking processes straight throughout this.

Whatthe, yes he has taken it all very well. I'm not sure how to take that really, whether he is secretly pleased about it

AcrossthePond, told him countless times that we could not go on like we were. How he thought it could possible carry on like it is beyond me.

Thumbwitch, I hope so too. I am prepared for something to happen this week to change the status quo. Have expressly told him that DD needs for this to be as amicable as possible. I also realise that he hasn't actually cared about whether she was caught up before so am remaining vigilant.

Still waiting for the green light to proceed on house though, just wish someone would say, ok go for it!

Have decided to go into work tomorrow, at least it will take my mind of this stuff for now and I do feel a lot more calmer and capable right now. Will request Wednesday or Thursday onwards for leave if we get the go ahead. At least then I'll feel like I have done something towards salvaging my future job prospects. Didn't get the thanks but no thanks letter yesterday so that's a bonus.

Brilliant news that you have decided to go into work, Steve! It will give you something else to focus on plus it'll no doubt help with letting your work people know you are eager. So glad you feel good enough to do it.

Don't let the bastard grind you down

And I too look forward to seeing messages on my thread in the morning. It's the first thing I do. It helps me to face the day!

I need to face the music at some point don't I! To be fair though I don't want to spend any more time waiting for calls or emails, so work will be a very welcome distraction. Just hope they don't pile it up on me as soon as I walk through the door. I'm feeling ready to go back but not for any extra stress!

I know what you mean about helping to face the day, I'm really grateful for all the support I have had here, following your thread has helped me too whatthe X

According - I think that's a good choice, tbh. Hopefully they will be sensible and not throw too much at you under the circs, especially if you ask to be of in the latter half of the week.
Everything crossed for you that you get the greenlight to move into the new place tomorrow! xx

Hmm, well that was interesting. Needed to go and do some food shopping today. Just me and dh went. I wasn't keen, but he insisted.

Some wierd actions/comments followed. The first comment in the car was "are you sure you can afford to move out" I just said, it's going to be a bit tight. No further comment, immediately but five minutes (ish) later he then said " ah yeah, you are not paying off a loan are you" well, no DH I am not.

A further comment " been thinking about my finances and I've worked out I need to manage on £5 a day, I should be fine though"

Also during the shop he started trying to buy bulk stuff like casserole meat/veg. We don't normally buy loads of this just enough for a week. It's almost like he is making some wierd point about going food shopping, he doesn't drive so essentially I am removing the weekly food shop option from him. Maybe I am just reading into it, I don't know.

He asked me yesterday if I was taking the slow cooker and I said no. I would like to take it but the one we use is his. I was made to get rid of mine when we moved in together as mine was smaller. Least slow cookers aren't that pricey these days.

Seems all he is concerned about is finances though, nice huh!

I think he's just testing you. You know, to be sure you 'mean it'. To what end, who know? Probably to see how determined you are without actually asking you to stay. Which could be a good sign that he's willing to let this all go peaceably.

You don't think he's fishing for your financials with the idea of getting support do you? I only raise it because my XH threatened me with that. My lawyer had a good laugh when I called him to ask if he'd be entitled to it. Nothing came of it, of course, it was just another threat to try and make me 'toe the line'. Maybe he's worried about the opposite, that you'll try to claim support from him. That £5 a day is certainly 'crying poor', isn't it?

Going to work is a good idea. If you're worried about stressing out, spend a minute today thinking about things you can do to offset it. I used to sit in my car at lunch/breaks and do needlework. It got me to a quiet, undisturbed place (my car) and provided me with something to do that I had to concentrate on (counting stitches). As far as getting piled up on, well, all you can do is all you can do, right? And better to be busy and distracted.

Hopefully you'll find out about the new place soon. I wouldn't think it would be on a Sunday, but maybe tomorrow.

He would struggle to get any support from me across I don't plan on asking anything from him either. He's the one with the house/mortgage. If anything he is probably going to get more out of this split than I am. My large fridge/freezer (no room in new place for it, it's huge!) and my washing machine. New place already has one, and a small fridge freezer fitted into kitchen.

I think this is why the slow cooker was important to him, he can make a massive casserole/stew last him a good few days.

Going to make sure I take my lunch breaks at work next week, I am notorious for eating sandwiches at my desk and dealing with emails!

It's possible he's setting the groundwork for saying you'll get nothing from him; it's also possible he's trying to make you feel guilty in the hope that you'll fall back in line.

But just stay strong and fixed on moving on, you'll be all right

Well, I think you may be right thumbwitch. Since the shopping earlier we found ourselves in the same room earlier today. Oldest went upstairs to go on her laptop for a bit and youngest went for a bath.

He said he didn't want me to go. Told him I didn't really have a choice, then he said I did. I asked him what he meant, there were two options as far as I could see them, leave or stay. He agreed with this. I then said staying is really not an option, we have tried and tried and tried. Even if counselling was on the plate right now I still wouldn't want to be living here while we went through it. Also said I was worried about counselling again as it hadn't done us much good last time.

He didn't seem to able to say anything more about this then and spent rest of afternoon before dinner sighing heavily and engaging minimally everyone.

To on to dinner time; immediate sarcastic comment from him about dinner not being "ready" ie on the table when I yelled out to all "dinner ready" this is totally directed to me as I have often complained that he has told everyone dinner is ready, only.to make everyone sit at the table while he spends next ten minutes serving it up in the kitchen while we sit there. Didn't eat all his food, left most of the meat, even though he had chosen it to buy, at our earlier shopping trip. I wanted to buy a nicer looking joint; but I am now remembering his earlier comments about money, living on a fiver a day. Now I know why this happened.

Was slightly seething about all of this over dinner and didn't engage much. Thing is, during our family meal times he comes into his own, this is when he decides he is going to engage with everyone and be the centre of attention. I don't know, again, I think I am reading too much into it all but I am seeing things now that I never noticed before, especially about the very subtle behaviours I previously ignored.

He has since retreated back into sulk mode, so that's what I am dealing with right now. However, he has made an effort by changing the beds so this is good. I can live with him making this sort of effort.

Realised I am going to have to get through a bit of a washing backlog before I go, mostly bedding!

its all manipulating, keeping you wrong footed, crtiticism, sulking....
just another method to manipulate. You've seen it for what it is...
Be strong, Be happy, move asap

Do not fall for any of his tricks. Please don't. He sounds awful. Just like mine.

Not that I think you will, by the way. You're too clever for that rubbish.

How's it going now?