Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

No word for awhile. I'm assuming you've been busy moving & settling.

Welcome to your new home and your new life!

Heya all,

Gosh what a day that was, well I am currently lying on my camping blow up bed on the iPad, connected to wifi via my mobile phone! We have unpacked everything we have brought so far but I have to go back tomorrow to collect a few forgotten bits (tv remotes!! Dur!)

House is a bit empty but we are getting a load of stuff delivered Monday. I am so so glad she was there to support me today. She has to work tomorrow morning though

DH says that's fine to collect tomorrow as it means he gets to see me again (what the hell!)

My back aches, my feet hurt and my brain is ready to explode. Probably hasn't helped that I have had too much wine already but WE ARE HERE!! Finally, after all that hassle, grief and shit.

Youngest totally loves her attic room, she is the only one of us with decent sleeping arrangements, mine and my oldest beds not due to turn up until Monday but hey ho.

My gorgeous boy cat was initially a bit freaked out but then has not stopped purring and padding around, he is loving it! Baby girl remains missing as far as I know. It's breaking my heart to think of her out there but who knows, maybe she will turn up soon

I am lying here, looking around. It's mine and my daughters home now. Youngest said earlier (which I loved) I am so happy I am living with just the three of us again.

Body and brain is knackered but it all feels totally worth it. Wish I could really give you all a real hug, please accept my love and thanks for sharing and supporting me through this. I honestly can't thank you all enough.

When I have a bit more spare cash I am going to make a little donation to women's aid in the name of Mumsnet and you guys, seriously..thank you xx

Hope you are enjoying your evening and weekend and this is why you are not posting

Oops x post!

Woohoo!! You did it

and ((hugs)) from South London

Yay yay YAY!! Happy Homecoming!!!

I don't suppose there's someone else who could collect your bits? Ah well, what's one more 'fun' experience. At least you'll know that you will be collecting your stuff and taking it HOME!!!

Have a lovely rest of the night and a beautiful morning with your girls.

WELCOME HOME!!
Hope you're sleeping now but still - your first day completely in your new home with just the 3 of you again. I love your DDs and am so glad you've achieved this, and so quickly!

Soon it will be lovely and homely for you all. xx

Welcome home lovely. All of you have a squish from me xxx

Hurray! And you can never doubt you did the right thing after what dd has said this evening

Well done you! When your new things arrive it'll feel even more homely :)

So glad for you. Your life starts again

Hey lovely Internet friends

Had a funny old day really, my oldest was at work until 1.

Youngest was bored (nothing to do at all, oh no!) we ent and little explore of local area, we have a million charity shops nearby, local butchers and fruit and veg shop. This has made me ridiculously happy!

Oldest got back about 2 and we went up to the house to get a few more bits and bobs. Still got bits and bobs to get.. So annoyed as man and van/collection of keys and signing tenancy/ coming here to do landlord checks/ DH hanging around the house all day etc made it so not everything was sorted out in time to all go yesterday.

I know I am an idiot and should have had everything a lot more organised than it was. I am normally quite good at this sort of thing but yesterday threw me totally!

Last night was wierd, lots of very odd dreams, one I remember about my baby girl cat (who is Still missing /cry)

We didn't know how the heating and water worked properly here, landlord is being brilliant at getting back to me by text though so can't thank him enough for helping out. Even if it IS his job, I know! The switch to turn on the freezer was in the most random place imaginable!

Shower was tried this morning, worked an absolute treat, it was lovely.

Our ridiculously comfortable sofa has now arrived!

Serious problem with tv aerial though, does NOT work. Have got in touch with Virgin media who are coming to sort broadband on Monday and they seem confident they can sort it out.

So we are going to miss the voice tonight and Poldark tomorrow, Nooooo!

However, we have got the PS3 working on the telly so we have a movie night planned for tonight.

Been texting my lovely manager to update along the way, I don't need to go back to docs to start back at work on Monday, I am just going to have a return to work interview. Said to her, see you on monday then and she said "yay"

:)

You actually sound different. I'm not sure what it is (and I could be projecting) but you sound... Lighter somehow.

I now have charity shop envy.

Don't worry about not having everything sorted, I was still trying to get all my things months after moving so you're way ahead of me.

From here it sounds like you're incredibly on top of things, and I'm so pleased your landlord is communicating so well. He sounds brilliant.

Chris, we feel a bit weird, all of us! Conversation over dinner, my youngest is starting to disclose a lot more about how unhappy she was but didn't feel able to say anything.

I was so blind, but now I see!

Steve, it's so good that you got out and that your Dd is able to talk to you. I feel such relief for you all. It's so hard to see it whilst you're in the middle of it all. So very very hard. What you've done and how quickly you've made it all happen, since you realised what was going on, is incredible and you should be so proud of yourself.

Make sure you all spoil each other. You deserve it :)

Lighter, yes, definitely you sound lighter. Like a heavy stone has dropped from around your neck. As indeed it has. If it was me, I'd probably be dancing around the living room doing pirouettes singing 'I Feel Pretty' or some other silly ditty.

I'm sure in the coming weeks there will be more things that will come out from both of your DDs. It's our nature to try to preserve those we love from hurts. It works both ways, you shielding them, and them shielding you. Just keep a good stock of cake and biscuits, tea and squash. I think there will be a few chats that will need them. And a few celebrations likewise.

I won't be able to see Poldark until June, so you're better off than I am!

Right back at you AF xx

Have had a pretty chilled out day so far, although working out how to put pilot light on boiler this morning was a bit of an adventure. My oldest (she who actually reads the effing manual) managed to sort it out so we got the heating running again. It was bloody cold here this morning!

We had to go out to buy some bits, I NEEDED a chopping board desperately. Said chopping board cost over £50 with all the peripherals added but we have now bought our first NEW decorative thing for the house, a little candle holder made out of driftwood, it's really pretty! So now we have a few of our decorative bits out here it's starting to look and feel like home.

Cannot wait, getting very excited about having our retro furniture delivery tomorrow. Proper beds... Hmmmmm! Yes please. I am aching!

Dd has a day off tomorrow so she is going to manage that, along with walking the youngest to school for me so she gets to know the route. It's pretty standard from here, go left and follow the road. Ten minutes max!

My boy cat has already been out exporting the garden, he has always been not one to wander far so he has enjoyed that. We bought new bird feeder and seeds for the currently dormant Apple tree in our garden so they are hanging up now. Cat is currently sat in kitchen doorway just watching the outside.

If I am being brutally honest, I still feel a bit odd. I have moments where I feel bursting with happiness and the next I am feeling low again. Feeling sorry for DH sat there in our old home. Our baby girl cat is still missing, this is really hurting us both I know. Wish she would come home.

Getting things ready for school and work tomorrow, sad I am going to miss Poldark but hopefully we can find it on catch up tomorrow after Virgin media have been and done their thing.

First roast dinner tonight and another movie!

You'll just have to google pictures of him. Here's one to be going on with from when he was Mitchell.

Oh my, he is just the epitome of "gorgeous man" isn't he!

drools

Between your posts and the shagging armpit thread it has been a very lighthearted day!

Ps. Poldark will be on catch up

Lol, I read the shagging armpits thread earlier!

I still cannot get over the fact that it is actually a thing! I haven't googled that or anything to do with shed porn! I get proper Internet access tomorrow though, maybe I'll enlighten myself.

Lovely to hear from you Christina and thanks x

Just a little pic I took earlier, look at him, surveying his new territory

I really liked him as Mitchell - he was a bit grubby, but in a good way.

I just tried to 'like' that picture. I'm losing the plot.