HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

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Can I just say I ADORE this "Go me, at the appropriate speed."

They are all flailing around at breakneck speed, twisting and turning like a fish on a line to try and beat you, and all you ladies are "Proceeding quickly and safely to the nearest available exit" - calm, in control and going at the appropriate speed

bobs - no probs - wasn't sure if you'd picked up on it - its a walk in the park compared to the fuckwittery

Thoroughly unpleasant time with the fucker. Builder has postponed too. So a totally wasted evening. I'm too wound up to explain. But he really is an arrogant twat. I asked him whether he had been to the gym. Clearly a sore point as he said what's it to do with me! He looks a fucking mess. He was sitting there doing DS2's phone cover and he looked like a bloody bouncy ball. His choice of clothes, the state of his hair, well I wouldn't be seen dead looking like that. In the end I told him to bugger off and don't come round again. Oh yes, he's been doing some jobs round there. So he does have time to do things here. Clearly chooses not to.

The good thing is that it confirmed that I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. I don't like him. He brings out the worst in me. I made it clear to him that as far as I was concerned, too, the marriage was over, and that I had no intention of being friends with him. As I put it, you don't shat all over someone and think they will be your friend.

I sent him a text after he left saying he thinks he has it all, and that they all do to this stage.

He revolts me

Now I need to calm down

Sorry I haven't replied to any posts again. I'm still wound up. A friend is giving me her take on things. It sounds like things are going as I wanted re his situation with me. I'm just not feeling pleased about it yet, because I want to knock his block off.

Sorry you're feeling pissed off Izzie. Yes it's a shame we can't just line them all up against the wall...

Going out on a limb here, but...your DC are over 18 aren't they? I know it's not fair but it's up to him if he does anything for you, the DC, the house. If he's knocking himself out trying to keep both sides happy, then that's actually a good thing for you and should be used to full advantage.

In general, whatever WE feel about the twunts, IF they are good dads then on behalf of the DC a good relationship should still be encouraged with them. Hopefully those of you in this situation will eventually be able to be just civil to the Twunts for the sake of the DC.

Or you could have one like mine that just walks away from any responsibility, wants to keep all his assets and a good portion of mine!

bobs he helped me with buying my car. He deals with the finances. He came round to deal with the builder. It's all about financial control. He even had the cheek to say that the energy bills contracts were up for renewal and did I want him to look into a cheaper deal?? I said he could do what he likes. He kept pushing the point saying, no you must tell me. It was all about him doing what he would normally do yet now trying to claim the credit for doing it. He has gone apeshit before when I've taken over financial things. His DS2 has asked him numerous times to help me. He has done nothing. And he wonders why, with everything else that has happened, why DS2 wants nothing to do with him.

Oh and it's also about what looks good. Helping the ex. Very publicly only.

Neither of his sons give a toss about him now. He's made no effort to see them. DS2 won't even let me mention his name.

I'm going to start mega ranting if I carry on this post. I understand what you are saying bobs and it makes perfect sense.

He has said he will help. But it never materialises. It's just passive aggressive behaviour. I have gradually done all these things myself. I have tonight lifted the 5ft 10 inches height fridge freezer out of its cabinet all by myself. All 5ft and 8 stone of me. That fat fucker is not going to get the better of me. Now known as Mr Blobby.

sorry didn't mean to upset you Izzie

I've got a Mr Blobby too - mine is 6'4" so a BIIIIIIIIIIIG Blobby!
(Oh and I'm 5'4" and 8 stone 4-ish!)

Have finally received last weeks session notes and finally his paperwork - such as it is...ie laughable. As for his reasonable needs - well he wants to include his all-inclusive rental AND bills for gas/leccy etc. And his hairdressing costs 50% more than mine. As for entertainment/going out!!!!!

Trouble is, I am trying to live within my means and have adapted reasonable needs accordingly. He is just spending whatever.

Sol booked next week to discuss!

Am incandescent so going out to get bladdered with DD1 who has come home from uni as can't cope on her meds - she's driving!

bobs I haven't read your second post yet. PLEASE, you have not offended me in the slightest. I am still wound up. What you said is perfectly reasonable. His actions are most definitely not. I'm having a good old rant. Nothing compared to what he's got today. And I don't give a damn.

I look forward to being back in the meh stage. Unfortunately I still have this builder thing hanging over me, ie will he text the builder, how long before I take control of that, will I have to suffer a rematch? Normal service will be resumed shortly I hope!

Trouble is, I am trying to live within my means and have adapted reasonable needs accordingly. He is just spending whatever.

Yes I've pondered that one. I thought that the more economising I did, the more it would come back to bite me. I've decided to note where I can make cuts, and will do those after settlement. Same as my smoking. I spend a lot on that. I've thought about e cigs, which are a tenth of the price, and have tried them and use them occasionally. But again, I've thought that if I could get the usual cigarettes through the system, as it were, it gives me more scope budget wise when I'm running things by myself. Yes, I certainly don't consider my health when it comes to smoking. It's all about the cash.

So sorry you've had an awful day today. Have a few drinks for me. I'm not going to drink tonight, as wine tends to heighten my mood. Lager used to improve my mood and make me happy, but I haven't had any in the house for years. Must put some on my shopping list. I will OD on ibuprofen as have a banging headache

I've taken control. Have just texted the builder, mentioned the "ex" and suggested he may find it more convenient to just call round when it suits him as I'm home at such and such a time. Sent a copy to Blobby.

I'm giving him no leeway whatsoever to play his games.

WWK I think I've trumped you as regards the modern art sculpture ie your desk. I now have the Great White Leaning Wall in my kitchen. Built in unit doors wide open, can't close because the fridge freezer is now on the floor but not far enough away to close the cupboard door. It's also on the piss, as I broke the leg moving it. And its doors are wide open of course. Another one for the album, I think, the Divorce album. I think you could maybe use this as the back cover of your book. Unless you want my photos of the kitchen table littered with overflowing ashtray and assorted junk from a few months ago. We will of course all get a name check in the book, won't we? As well as SW, Sid, Lycra Man, Jack Reagan, Blobby, Twitter Twat and the unformidable Mr WT? Plus plenty others I've forgotten at the moment? Without whom none of this would have been possible?

Hope you and Hobbit had a good time today

One thing I've had reinforced yet again is that only essential contact is best. AND focussing on yourself, and not them. Unfortunately, sometimes the second isn't an option, especially when negotiating, and their bloody life is forced into our consciousness.

The effect the other day has had on me has been huge. All the anger etc has surfaced again.

I'm in the fortunate position of having adult sons, so I don't need to maintain contact for them. As it is, he has sidelined himself from their lives, and they are emotionally detaching from him. I foresee that one day he will have no contact with them. He is unable to communicate effectively with them, so issues go unresolved. This is particularly the case with DS2. The tension between me and DS2 before he came round spoke volumes. Neither of us wanted him to come round.

One day he will be like my other exes. Never seen or heard of. At the moment I wish him every ill under the sun. I hate him for what he's done to my sons, and what he put me through, and for what he's taken away. If he was dying in front of me, I wouldn't even dial 999. That's a terrible thing to say but that's how I feel. My husband died a number of years ago. The person who replaced him, I wouldn't like him even if he were just a work colleague.

The reasons for him coming round are less and less. And I'm going to actively work towards that by bagging up all of his stuff as I come across it, and taking on absolutely everything [no much extra then] As DS1 said, he was never going to help me anyway.

He has alienated all of us. There is no benefit to maintaining contact except to create tension between the three of us and to rake up the past. He will be airbrushed out of our lives. What becomes of him, we will probably never know. We have little contact with his family, he is not close to any of them himself, so it will all be a distant memory. I remember when my mum's mother died. My mum had no time for her, she sounded an awful mother. One day I got home from school and my mum was tense and ratty, very unlike herself. And eventually she said, my mother has died, and I'm just a bit shocked.

That will be us one day when he goes.

I've been right about my predictions with him so far.

Hi Izzie honey, yes I agree with you about the damage caused to the relationship with their sons, I think mine are around the same ages as yours and Bobs daughters as well, they can make their own decisions about contact, and not be coerced into doing anything they feel uncomfortable with. Tbh, they feel pretty unhappy about any contact, my eldest especially hasn't seen his dad for about 4 months, and has no desire to.

Obviously he is still their father , and in the future i hope there will be some sort of relationship, but it's just too raw at the moment. Especially how he has acted re the settlement involving provision for my youngest, my eldest is very angry about that, and my youngest is struggling with a ED and depression and he has not had any real support or help from his dad, in fact he has even said he dosent believe it is a actual issue and he has just mimicked the symptoms from the Internet! What a twat he is!

The devastation this man has caused to our family is huge, but yet he dosent want to take any responsibility for the consequences of his selfish actions. So I'm with you on this one Izzie , I couldn't hate the man more, and I wish all kinds of shit upon the both of them, bitter and twisted I know, but that's the way I roll at this point in time. Maybe that will change, maybe not, the indifference will come hopefully at some point, I LONG for that to happen
Had a great time with the fragrantWWK , my dog still hates her, but not as much, much wine drunk, and I forced some food down her.

Hi Hobbit thanks for your support. I'm now at the stage where I too, like you, want no face to face contact with him either. I have texted him to tell him that, and to tell him that in future, he is to collect stuff from the dining room, and then just go, and that I won't be greeting him. That means that, apart from taking the kids to see the next England game, there is no reason for him to come over. He is feeling very pushed out. He told me he feels like he is intruding when he calls. Well he is. I have the same feeling about him coming over as I used to about his dad coming over.....none of them positive.

The indifference will come to you, Hobbit. I thought I had reached it recently, I was very meh about him. It's him coming round that has sparked this off. So I fully predict you will reach indifference too, although not with the financial stuff being current. I hope it gets sorted soon, and then you can move on emotionally.

I'm glad you and WWK had a good time. Just what both of you need. And does Mr Dog always have a problem with new people?? Unless accompanied by sausages of course?

Have a good day. I'm trying to work off my aggression but not very successfully. That fridge freezer is getting on my nerves stuck in the missile of the room. Normally I would be ok about it, it's only for a few days and it's profess. But today it's a major source of irritation. Wing me some beta blockers......

Winging them over now my lovely! Have a good day, going for an early Mother's Day lunch today, as I'm working tomorrow, catch you all later, x

Actually, it's Mrs Dog, she is a grumpy bitch, just like her owner!

I cannot believe that having come so far recently, I feel so awful still after Thursday evening. I am full of anger, it is all consuming, and absolutely everything is coming to the surface again. I have no idea how many texts I've sent to him since then, bringing up every resentment, including his failure as a father, and his appalling treatment of me over the years. As usual, not one has been answered, and that just makes me keep going. He's a fucking stonewalling coward who hasn't the balls or the communication skills to answer any of the points. Precisely why DS2 has no respect for him. I really don't care about what I've sent. As I let him know, there must be countless others on my phone to a particular friend over the years detailing my emotional fragility, his treatment of me, and her concerns for my state of mind if he ever wants to make an issue out of it. She used the term emotionally abusive about him. I just saw it as him being an emotional fuckwit and a bastard, and I'm not one to label things, but yes, if I were to lay it all out on MN, I'm sure EA would be the verdict.

Anyway, the point is......I don't know really. But firstly that I've been a lot happier when I have nothing to do with him, and I can then mentally move on. Secondly, dwelling on things is the route to madness. I used to analyse everything. But now, having had years of trying to work through a total nightmare of second guessing, lies, half truths, how to play things etc, I can now only deal with "it just is". Thirdly, as I wrote that last sentence, I know I'm still post traumatic. I'm no longer prepared to work through all of it, I've had enough grief to last me a lifetime. I just want him out of my life, and I want the Izzie back that I've been over recent weeks, the person I want to be, the person who says, meh, who cares about him, it's all about me now.

The irony is that having seen him, seen the wreck he looks, picking up the subtle undertones of what he said, and having talked to a friend about it all, I should be thinking that he's starting to reap what he's sown, and it serves him right, there is karma after all. So why am I now thinking about him sailing off into the sunset, having a great time, and making plans for their future, when I know he's seeing it all slip away, and realises he is being sidelined by his family. I suppose for some reason my confidence has been knocked.

I managed to stop myself demanding that we now negotiate a financial settlement and head towards divorce. As much as I would love to make the point that I want rid of him once and for all, I know that it's more beneficial to stay within the marriage and maintain the financial status quo for as long as possible, and to get all the spending done on the house etc whilst I have the financial freedom to do so. I'll be buggered if I'm going to sacrifice money to prove a point.

Anyway, I feel a bit better for having got all that lot down on paper, as it were. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. Perspective will return soon.

My apologies to all of you having to deal with a lot worse than me. I know WWK says it doesn't matter, but I really do appreciate that fact. I've just been incapable of thinking straight enough to post to you about your situations. Sorry.

Izzie sorry you are having a rough time and so wound up by the twunt at the moment. Vent away and there's no obligation to reply to anyone else, that be one of the rules of the bar.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully the Izzie of the last few weeks will resurface. But, you know that even if it's not tomorrow the meh Izzie will be back. And as for your ex, he will still be a twunt whatever day it is.

KOKO. xx

Thank you iwas. I've just read the update on the birthday card. What a despicable piece of shit he is. But they do turn as they start to lose control of the situation and reality dawns.

I've seen it with Mr Blobby, usually in a passive aggressive way, and usually by picking at financial matters, eg demanding copies of certain things etc. Yet recently, he was all very blasé about wanting certain things, it wasn't that important. That will no doubt change after recent events. I've transferred money from one account to another, all to do with DS1. I will no doubt get a snotty email demanding to know what unilateral decision I've made without the decency to be transparent blah blah. All because he feels he is intruding when he comes round. Well, apart from this week, I've always been pleasant to him, so it's more about him feeling isolated etc. And he also threw in about me being bitter. Another projection I think. He must be spitting mad that I've got on with things, that the house he abandoned is looking good, and that I have "possession" of his sons, who he hardly sees. He has lost control of the situation with me. Previously, I've stood by him, and he thought it was likely I would take him back. Yet now I'm emptying the wardrobe and starting to clear out his things and telling him to take them. I think it's starting to dawn on him that I too have ended the marriage, if you know what I mean, and that he is now stuck where he is, knowing that I consider that relationship to be nothing more than a joke and a port in a storm.

I have belittled her countless times, and have now used the name Nutty Nora in a few texts over the last few days. That won't go down well. And the same with Sid and the Choosy Floozie. He wants you to take that relationship only choice seriously, but he sees that you see it for what it is. Very emasculating. He's been pushed out of his marriage, and his wife is laughing at him. That's how he sees it. So now he's going into, I'll show her mode. I've had that from Mr Blobby when he's been really fuming. He brings her into the discussion and uses her name. It's all about trying to rub our noses in it. Pathetic.

See it for what it is, and act that way to his face. Mainly, though, as I said on your thread, watch your back, it could get nasty now.

Thanks Izzie. Yes you got that right about despicable shit - using our son's Birthday to get at me.

I've had all the woe me shit about how he feels pushed out too. They don't seem to get that it is entirely down to them, I didn't want to split our family up. I may have made the decision but it was his behaviour that made the decision for me, it sure as hell wasn't through choice - I didn't have one!

I think we're both in a fairly similar situation in that we still have contact and probably still like to naively believe that they still have a reasonable side to them. I don't want to speak to him at the moment, not after today.

It's good that you feel that you wouldn't take him back and that therefore you consider the marriage to be over regardless of whether he might change his mind. Good on you.

I have to say that I have quite enjoyed taking the mick by referring to her as the Choosy Floozy. He doesn't like it so yes I think you are right that with me laughing at him as you put it and naming her he's gone into I'll show her mode. You are right it is all about rubbing our noses in it and it is pathetic but it still bloody hurts

Hope we all have a better day tomorrow. I should get to bed now but am still wound up I was on the computer and watching the football with the children at the same time but even they have gone to bed now!

Take care xx

Happy Mothers Day

Thank you for always being there for me

Message in my card from DS2. Says it all for so many of us.

KOKO xxx

morning ladies - i am under instruction to stay in bed - i think DD is cleaning the kitchen - i can hear her banging around - she is amazing -STBXH doesn't now what hes lost! I have had a blub already this morning thinking of the two mums - miss them both right now.

Izzie your feelings exactly echo mine - im sure my earlier posts are ranting whenever I have had to have contact over something - get no answer & it winds me up more - and this is exactly him
He's a fucking stonewalling coward who hasn't the balls or the communication skills to answer any of the points

and currently behaving true to form.

I was thinking last night that someone who has the ability to blank someone they were married to for 20 years must be completely screwed up inside - it is not a natural feeling -certainly not for me anyway- whether this is a female/male thing - i dont know - but whatever it is they are not whole - to be whole you need to care and if you can shut yourself down to behave like this you are not whole. I need to teach my DS this because i hear him say often "i don't care" and i think this is him avoiding feeling the hurt he is currently under. and izzie/iwas/hobbit your feelings are all because we cared and still can. - i get the incapable of thinking straight- i am feeling like this a lot recently - its the stress of it all building up. I am having to get my head around big things again and trying to deal with just the normal day to day stuff is hard when your head wont shut down. had a really good chat with well - so grateful to her- and izzie - the state of mind - yes that could be made an issue in my case too -but I did read somewhere that it is often seen as a malicious stunt when all else is failing.

and this is for all you lovely ladies today - hope you have a good day! be kind to yourselvesxx