sexual issue

[silverring]

Nc for this. And will be a bit vague on family details etc so as not to out self in any way. Really a bit of an AIBU. I am prepared to hear that I am being U. Sorry it is long, don't want to drip feed and I have a complicated life! ...

My DH is my second H, our family consists of him, his two adult DC (one of whom still lives with us, both of whom are dependent on us), and our small child together, who has a disability and needs quite a lot of attention and care given to his needs, and constant liaison with numerous professionals in health and education. When we met, before any kids were living with us, we were both massively into lots of sex, lots of experimentation, days and days of sexy stuff, relationship was fun, exciting, all very great. He left the country where he was living to be with me.

Ten years down the line: I am over 50, past menopause (he is quite a lot younger), work a fulltime professional job plus a private consultancy after hours (takes all my time pretty much, including weekends) and earn very well. Much of our money however goes to looking after the children (our child, with his problems, plus the two adults, who are still at Uni and dependent on us), and I work very hard indeed to provide a good lifesytle for everyone. DH never managed to get a decently-paying job in his field in this country despite retraining at great expense and much effort (not his fault, recession etc). So he does not work and is always the one available for the child, pick up from school, appointments, looks after him on weekends etc. (I however am the one that gets up in the morning to get him ready for school etc, DH sleeps in for an extra hour at least). He also does the accounts, housework, cooking, shopping. It seems like a good arrangement. We could not both work and keep up the care of the child as we do.

Except: he is getting increasingly frustrated (and now actually really nasty to me) about the fact that I am not really up for sex like I used to be. There are probably many reasons why not. I am tired all the time, sometimes so much that I fall asleep while driving home. I work every day, including holidays and weekends. There is constant stress and worry about children, money, elderly parents, you name it. Our disabled son is a constant worry (and source of much private sorrow for me) and requires a lot of energy too, I liaise with professionals about him on a daily basis and basically co-ordinate his treatment and his life. I also just don't have the libido I used to, since the menopause. I just don't feel like sex much (well, when it happens I still love it and think: why don't I do that more often, he still turns me on and is an excellent lover, but it feels like I can't be bothered to start!). We both probably drink a bit too much, pretty much daily (I have been cutting down but he completely refuses to, blaming it on sexual frustration and saying that he might as well drink as it is his only pleasure). He has taken to calling me "lazy and useless" and when I protest he tells me that I am a great professional in my field, and a great mother and stepmother but a totally crap wife. And of course he is right.

I am so sorry it is so long but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

My immediate thought is that, as a chat up line, calling someone 'lazy and useless' is a total bust. I don't think it's as simple or as internal as 'libido', therefore. I think your relationship is lacking something very fundamental. Good sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy and affection and, if your everyday relationship is characterised by unkindness, resentment, insults and lack of compassion, then it's not going to magically transform in the bedroom.

I think you are doing amazing and he has no right to call you names, you are not lazy, you are keeping the family together, what nerve he has got and it's hardly going to make you want him sexually.

You must be exhausted, poor you. I don't know how you tackle this, name calling is just pure nastiness, possibly because he is drinking, maybe if he treated you with respect you might actually find your libido returns.

PS I have left off two other factors: one is that I used to have a lovely body but have put on weight since having the baby and have never gone back to my old "sexy" (what I think of as sexy) self. DH, to his credit, has no problem with this (although having him tell me "but I like fat chicks" is not exactly a highlight!) and is keen for me as ever.

The other factor is that, because he wakes up earlier than me in the morning, and generally has a less high-octane life, he is generally only ready to start cooking and eating late in the evening, and I am finding this hard. He often only starts cooking at 10 and we eat around midnight. The child wakes up at 6am and climbs into bed with me waking me up. DH often gets to sleep till 8am or after (he is the kind of person who sleeps though children kicking, alarms, lights going on, wives nagging, anything. I am not!).

Yes, I could cook, I know, I know, but the truth is that I am often so knackered I generally just sit there (usually with a glass of wine) after the child has gone to bed, and wait for my supper. It's a kind of inertia. And he is an excellent cook and does all the shopping for his lovely meals, so it's hard to chnage the pattern.

Re the name calling: He would say that he only resorted to being rude after about five years of this problem and that he is now totally fed up. He is not an unkind or nasty person at all, although a bit short on actual praise or compliments. And I am also prefectly capable of being verbally abusive at times, especially when I have been drinking. I am no paragon of virtue, both my husbands would probably describe me as the most difficult woman they have ever met.

Hi Honey,

May I say how useless you are, how lazy and crap at being a husband you are? May I comment that the amount you drink is a real turn off and that, should there ever be a glimmer of desire in me, your attitude really destroys it.

May I follow that up with a little diatribe of my own, as I feel you have had plenty of say in this matter? I have not emasculated you for your lack of ability in getting a job, I love the fact that you look after our DC. I have not complained that my job also supports you adult children, I also love that they are getting their degrees and are lovely kids. I have even taken on board the fact that you blame me and only me for our lack of intimacy. I may even have a little sympathy there as yes, I am often far too tired after work, sorting out our DCs appointments and then coming home to finds you all nice and hostile.

But may I also say that, should you ever actually stop and think, you might realise that by attacking me like this, telling me you prefer to get drunk than to have a relationship with me and acting like a pillock, you really are pissing on your own picnic. Try being nice to me, you might find that I respond much more positively when I am not being ridiculed!

If that doesn't help you work it out try this: I already have 1 kid, financially support 2 others I do not need the love of my life, the "man of the house" to regress to being a spoiled brat 5 year old! Get a grip or get out!

If you are so tired that you are falling asleep while driving then something has to change NOW.

I very much recognise the whole "I can't be bothered to start having sex but when I do I wonder why I don't have it more often" thing. I think when you have so many concerns on your plate (job, children with SN, all the rest) it is incredibly hard to summon up the mental energy for sex.

It's also possible he's feeling a bit emasculated being a SAHD even though it's for all the logical reasons and he's doing a good job. And this is making him resentful.

To be fair to him, if you're working evenings and weekend and all day long he must be pretty lonely.

To be fair to you, it doesn't sound like he's exactly trying to win you over, just complaining at you which is totally unhelpful!

Is there any light at the end of the tunnel with your work? Is there a point at which you'll be able to cut down your hours?

Please stand up for yourself. You sound so ground down by everything, letting him call you names, lounge about in the mornings, drink too much all evening and generally get his own way like a pampered pet. You're not a 'crap wife'.... that sounds like his words. Your self-esteem seems very low generally.

Please dont take this as an insult but you almost sound grateful that he's there at all. Time to turn the tables I think. He gets a job, gets up in the mornings, cooks dinner earlier, supports your efforts to shape up..... assert yourself

Sounds a horrible situation.

What's stopping you from having an open discussion about a. excessive drinking b. a sensible time to eat dinner if you've been out at work all day and will be up at 6am c. how you treat each other, including name calling?

He sounds angry, frustrated and possibly depressed, and you sound as though you've taken all that on as though your fault and are also depressed.

This is nothing to do with sex. It's about your relationship, both of your work outside the home, your and his feelings about both of your children and the lack of open communication between you.

I think part of my problem is that I am certainly perceived as being very tough, and indeed I am: I work at a senior level in a male-dominated field, I can give as good as I get in any argument or debate, and I deal with life's problems by decisive action and organisation. He knows that I won't crumble (just as I know he won't) and so everything has become a bit hard and business-like and sometimes combative, without any softness. We were never the lovey-dovey types, and even sex was always pretty, let's say, not soft-edged and romantic but rather physical and exciting...
Any romaticism or fluffy bunny stuff would be likely to be met by derisive snorts by both of us.
And now after the years, it seems that there is nothing soft or nice left.

He sounds awful. name calling is abusive - you do not deserve that. Why would you want to sleep with him when he treats you like dirt?

What stands out to me though is - why does he have a lie in, why are you paying for his adult children, why eat at midnight, why do you do all the liaising for appointments and why do you work 7 days a week? All of those things are wrong. You are running yourself into the ground - something has to give before you break.

Your life sounds INSANE. I mean, you think he has a lie in cos he gets up around 8am (or even later! Gasp!) You seem to literally work 24/7!

I know you have two at Uni, but my God is it worth it??

Do you think your 'refusal to crumble' means that you are hanging onto something that you know hasn't worked well for a long time? I've seen it before with strong women. They tend to keep looking for solutions and fixes long after others would have thrown up their hands. In the process they take on more and more of the responsibility, often to their own detriment.

And his two adult kids, you support!

Yes a lot of wise words there, thank you. It is true to be honest, I am grateful that he is there at all. Lots of reasons which I won't go into from my past but if he had not come along in my life i would not be alive right now (really true), and I have tried being single, it is literally potentially life-threatening for me. And now anyway, in our current life, which revolves around our child to a great extent, we could not do what we have to do unless we were in it together. I have to make the money and he has to be there and available for the child, that is all there is to it.

Re the drink issue: it is an issue for both of us, not just him. My telling him to stop drinking would be rightly perceived as a bit rich. But it is true that he is kind of "angrily" drinking more right now, seemingly to prove a point (you are no good so I will find my pleasure in the bottom of the bottle), and I am trying my damndest to cut down (not easy).

I don't want people to think I am a martyr. I only emphasised the work issue to explain why I am so tired. It suits my personality to be the breadwinner and I have no problems with that. My self-esteem regarding work/career and kids is high. My self-esteem regarding my body and my relationship is indeed very low. All at the same time!

Of course communication is the key. I know that. We have in the past communicated well, but only recently he seems to have reached the end of his tether and has started to be nasty and not really want to talk about it. "What is there to say, you want a platonic relationhip", he says. He has even got to the point of theatening to see someone else to "sort me out" and openly watching what he calls "titty programmes" on TV while I am trying to sleep. Aggressive stuff really, but in many ways I don't blame him. As he also says, i am a "big girl" and I make my own choices about what to do and what not to do.

We need to talk.

You haven't actually said how much sex you are having. Once in the last 5 years is completely different to once a week. A sexless marriage is defined as sex less than ten times a year.
But he sounds like a knobhead.

I honestly don't know how you stand it, they way he is talking to you is disgusting, even more worrying is your acceptance of his brutal words, he is wrong, sounds like you are the main organiser of everything, including supporting HIS adult kids, two of them nonetheless.

Sorry but I think is constant put downs have worn you down so you now actually believe you are crap, it's an abusive situation you are in.

unless he is willing to grow up and work on being a team and actually showing respect, I honestly think you'd be better splitting, YOUR life might be a lot easier.

Some points from the posts:

The adult kids are at Uni and doing very very well, I won't be supporting them forever. I live them dearly, they love me, and I have supported them and had them living with me since they were children. No problem there, no regrets at all.

The liaising and everything regarding the disabled child: again I can't go into it too much, but the nature of the disability is such that I know far more about it and what to do than DH does or ever could (related to my own professional field). There is no way that I would relinquish control of the child's care and treatment! Some days knowing that I am doing everything I possibly can for him is what keeps me sane (and keeps up my self-esteem)!

You know, this has been cathartic. I am already feeling less angry (yes I have been very very angry). The relationship has been in trouble for a long time, yes, I suppose so, but that does not mean it cannot be repaired.

He's not a knobhead but he can behave like one.
How much sex: about once every two weeks I would say. But some of those are just a quickie really (quick "in and out" in morning whike the kids are getting ready and in another room, or a "falling asleep inside you" job). Real lasting sex with all the knobs on (as was the norm for us in the beginning) maybe once a month to five weeks.

You're clearly a capable and intelligent woman and I'm alarmed that you say you'd be dead if he hadn't come along. I have no reason to disbelieve you but that level of obligation to a person can put you in a horribly weak position. If they know that you would never call time because you literally fear death as a result, then there is no incentive for them to curb their behaviour. It opens you up to contempt, disrespect and worse. However big a girl you may be, you're not making a free choice all the time you think you wouldn't survive solo.

I'm worried about you

No chance of cutting down work right now unfortunately. Maybe in a couple of years.
A lie in to 8am! Yes that would feel like a lie in to me as I have an early-rising child who loves a mummy cuddle the minute he awakes (actually that is one of the highlights of my day, athough i wish to God it could happen a bit later!) I used to be a totally lazy non-morning person before him, I even arranged my work so I never had a meeting before about 11am. I've tried a later bedtime for the little one but he just gets up at the same time, only more grumpy!

Oh I would not survive alone, that has been amply demonstrated in my life. I feel grateful to DH but not obligated exactly. Actually not so much grateful to him, he got plenty out of the deal too, including a lovely home, a very dear child, and excellent education for his kids (and plenty of great sex for the first few years!), I am just grateful that he came along. There has been plenty both given and taken on both sides, and as I said above, I am both difficult to live with, and not a martyr.

This is more than just sex, what is his actual problem with you, I mean really, WTF.

Honestly love, you are intent on defending him then I don't see how anything will change for you, you should be angry.

I am sure you would survive alone. And to stay with him out of co dependency or misplaced gratitude is wrong on so many levels. Plus gives him all the power to abuse you too.

Actually although DH knows full well that I believe he saved my life and that I could not survive alone, he also (having much more faith than I have myself in my attractiveness) belives quite strongly that I would easily snag another man if I wanted to. (I couldn't, too old, fat, exhausted and domineering)

So have you any thoughts how to take things forward?