sexual issue

[silverring]

Nc for this. And will be a bit vague on family details etc so as not to out self in any way. Really a bit of an AIBU. I am prepared to hear that I am being U. Sorry it is long, don't want to drip feed and I have a complicated life! ...

My DH is my second H, our family consists of him, his two adult DC (one of whom still lives with us, both of whom are dependent on us), and our small child together, who has a disability and needs quite a lot of attention and care given to his needs, and constant liaison with numerous professionals in health and education. When we met, before any kids were living with us, we were both massively into lots of sex, lots of experimentation, days and days of sexy stuff, relationship was fun, exciting, all very great. He left the country where he was living to be with me.

Ten years down the line: I am over 50, past menopause (he is quite a lot younger), work a fulltime professional job plus a private consultancy after hours (takes all my time pretty much, including weekends) and earn very well. Much of our money however goes to looking after the children (our child, with his problems, plus the two adults, who are still at Uni and dependent on us), and I work very hard indeed to provide a good lifesytle for everyone. DH never managed to get a decently-paying job in his field in this country despite retraining at great expense and much effort (not his fault, recession etc). So he does not work and is always the one available for the child, pick up from school, appointments, looks after him on weekends etc. (I however am the one that gets up in the morning to get him ready for school etc, DH sleeps in for an extra hour at least). He also does the accounts, housework, cooking, shopping. It seems like a good arrangement. We could not both work and keep up the care of the child as we do.

Except: he is getting increasingly frustrated (and now actually really nasty to me) about the fact that I am not really up for sex like I used to be. There are probably many reasons why not. I am tired all the time, sometimes so much that I fall asleep while driving home. I work every day, including holidays and weekends. There is constant stress and worry about children, money, elderly parents, you name it. Our disabled son is a constant worry (and source of much private sorrow for me) and requires a lot of energy too, I liaise with professionals about him on a daily basis and basically co-ordinate his treatment and his life. I also just don't have the libido I used to, since the menopause. I just don't feel like sex much (well, when it happens I still love it and think: why don't I do that more often, he still turns me on and is an excellent lover, but it feels like I can't be bothered to start!). We both probably drink a bit too much, pretty much daily (I have been cutting down but he completely refuses to, blaming it on sexual frustration and saying that he might as well drink as it is his only pleasure). He has taken to calling me "lazy and useless" and when I protest he tells me that I am a great professional in my field, and a great mother and stepmother but a totally crap wife. And of course he is right.

I am so sorry it is so long but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

I kno you say he helps with your son. But this man is not actually making your life any easier. In fact he's actively making it harder.

All your posts essentially say that he does whatever he wants whenever he wants however he wants and you suck it up because you think you can't survive without him.

Yep, that's it in a nutshell.

I don't think you want to make any changes at all - you just want to justify your own decisions and actions. Your work pattern and the way he treats you is just alien to people here. I can't see how anyone would condone what is going on here.

I find your blind acceptance that you are paying for adult children even now (why when at uni they can support themselves, and they aren't even your children?) plus the fact you say you would have to pay him maintenance (no you wouldn't, you are wrong about that). You seem keen to martyr yourself and continue with this self flagellation until you wear yourself into the ground. I just hope you don't injure or worse someone while you are driving drunk/tired. And nobody in their right mind works 7 days a week - I cannot understand what job you would do when you work those hours - I doubt it is legal, let alone ethical.

Matilda thanks for your post. I have already spoken to him about earlier dinner, when he is in a good mood he will say yes, fine, let's do that. (When in a bad one he will say why go to bed early, what's the point, it's no fun). But I am working suggesting compromises. Pre-children I also ate very late and went to bed late/had erratic hours (and often went to sleep very late because of lots of sex), and I arranged my work so I rarely had to get up early. It was a lifestyle that worked at the time for both of us. But you just can't do that with a child who wakes you up at 6am every day! I've had to adjust. He ha found it harder to change I think (and as I said, if I could continue sleeping while being hugge, nibbled, cuddled up to etc, I would. DH can, but I just can't. Once I am awake that is it, no matter how tired I am).

Regarding work, no option at present to cut down, no, for financial reasons, I am afraid. In fact I really should be increasing the consultancy work. It would make sense, I promise, if you knew about our comittments (children, parents etc), tax position, other issues etc. I have the opportunity to completely sort out a difficult financial situation, but it does mean I have to get on with it as far as work is concerned. But things will ease off within a couple of years, we hope. And hopefully by the summer we will be able to manage to go on holiday.

But, although my work pattern at present is not because I need to be Top Dog, it is a financial necessity, I do of course have that tendency. I do like being the breadwinner, there is no doubt about it, you are right there.

So what are you going to do? I can't see that anything is going to change.

No MrsJohnLewis, he doesn't just help with my son. He does everything else for me other than my job! And, as I have alluded to before, I have certain mental health type issues which mean that i need someone to be there for me when I need them. And he is. Always.

Auburn really, I consider his adult children pretty much my children, they have lived with me since they were little. I have paid for everything including their schooling for many years, and for good reason, they are worth it and have become amazing and successful people. I encouraged them to go into the careers they have gone into (similar area to me) and they are studying very hard indeed and I am very proud of them. I don't pay their uni fees (they got student loans), but of course I have to continue to support them in many ways, until they finish their studies. Saying they are "not even my children" is not understanding our family. (And when I am gone, who will there be to make sure my son is cared for? It will be them of course. They are not going to say, well he is only our half-brother so we won't bother).

It's perfectly legal to work as many hours as one wants! I have a "day job" with an organisation, which has certain hours contracted (more than nine-to-five type hours but resaonable hours) and then I have my own consultancy business, in which I can work as many hours as I like in the rest of my time! I don't quite understand what you mean abut it not being ethical or legal, many people work long hours, especially if they have their own business. In my field this type of working pattern would not be at all unusual.

Do I want to make changes? Yes actually I do, and many of the thoughts on here have given me a lot of food for thought. From the suggested discussions with DH, to the addressing of lifestyle factors, to thinking about respite and more rest or leisure for me, to musing about our family in general, all has been helpful for me to think about. So thanks everyone.

PS I promise you that my work pattern would not seem at all alien to many of the people in the same field as me (but because nearly all of the people working in this way would be men, it probably isn't thought of in the same way). But actually would it be alien to people running businesses in general? I think many successful people have periods of their life where they have had to "work all hours God sends" for one reason or another.

Now I am going to take the rest of the day off except for anwering emails (am actually sick with cough and sinusitis, and have a doctor's appointment for an unrelated problem later anyway), and spend some time thinking about what has been said on this thread. No sudden changes or easy solutions i am sure, but some new thoughts, or new twists on old thoughts. Thanks again, even to those who found me annoyng or inexplicable!

silverring tbh in some ways my heart goes out to you. I think you are in an incredebly hard situation made worse by the fact you have at the same time taken on your shoulder all the responsibilities for being a mum (with a child with SN) AND for being a successful business person (which means a level of dedication normally only acheived by people who do have a backup behind, ie a wife, to take care of all the child/house issues).
It would be A LOT for anyone to take on and still manage to do all that well. And tbf, you are (which is already a miracle) but at the expense of your health and your relationship.

I think you are arriving now at a point where you will have to decide what is important and what is not so important. Is it your health, your child, the finances, your marriage?
All of those are actually issues to be dealt with as a couple. Because finances, your child, your relationship are all clearly only going to be resolved as a couple.
And your health will only get better if you do tackle the finances etc... and losing your health will have dire consequences on the whole of your family.

I think you really need to have a chat with your DH about the whole way to live your life together. I would also advise to have a look at this book here. I think it proposes some really nice ways to deal with conflicts and in particular to look at what is important for you and how to compromise.
I think it would be a very useful exercise for you to do (and be clear of what is REALLY important and what you can have some flexibility on) and for you two as a couple (to find ways to ensure you are not destroying your health and still ensure you can manage all the things you need to do as well as ensuring your DH needs aren't forgotten in the process).

Good luck!

What a positive post TheFriar, thank you! I will take your advice and get that book, certainly. Given that this sexual problem has been rumbling on for years, and I post regularly on MN for support or advice in other areas (onviously under another nn and on other forums), and this is the first time I have posted anything about this, I think that I am indeed arriving at the point where i feel I want to address the relationship issues. My health/fitness/drinking etc too. That's hard but I need to try.

I have gone in ten years from someone who had life-threatening mental health problems but was fit and healthy (and slim and sexy), to someone whose mental health is unrecognisably better but is physically falling to bits! There has to be a compromise somewhere!

Yep I agree!
Looking after your health is essential because if you aren't physically healthy, nothing else can happen. AND being unhealthy physically also has some effects on your MH.....

Sorry OP, I know things feel very complex but to an outsider- WTF!

For example, why on earth can't you put a potato in the microwave and have some tuna and a yoghurt, go to bed at 10:30, like most people. You aren't having much sex anyway, so who cares if he comes to bed later than you.

It's amazing. You are a high flying intelligent woman. You are so tired you are a danger to yourself and others and you can't compromise on an evening meal and earlier bed? You'd prob feel more like sex after a good few nights of this.

If you can't explain and compromise on something so simple then....honestly, that is very very odd and dysfunctional.

Sorry for the blunt love but I'll bet your mental health suffers from the lack of sleep too.

I could do that, yes, but it's not easy to just bugger off with a baked potato while someone is cooking up a fabulous meal for you, with your favourite things etc. And he does that every night! But I confess I also enjoy the chatting, the glasses of wine, the listening to music etc that we do while he cooks. It is the only time in the day when it is not all about work. So it's me too...

Everyone we know always says I am so lucky to have someone who does all the cooking, and so well (he also cooks beautifully for diner parties, school functions etc etc). Well yes, but it also means that the idea of a microwave potato and off to bed when the divine tagine or whatever is on the go would be seen as very rejecting and inappreciative.

BUT...I am not going to be defensive here, I agree that there should be more normality restored and I am going to work on that, with him.

Argh, tell him beforehand! AGREE on it. Have a beautiful meal 3 times a week. The potato was just an example, not a serious suggestion. Look you need sleep. You don't need a lovingly prepared, indulgent meal 7 times a week and no sleep. Compromise!

I'm not sure you even see your schedule/lifestyle as dangerous.

"But everyone in my industry works this hard!"
"Its only for a couple more years"
"I get all my self esteem from it"
"If anything, I should be working MORE!"
"We are fucked with tax and are supporting a cast of thousands so we need that money"

Look, I'll be blunt. I am a nurse and you're going to have a heart attack in the next few years. Or a stroke. Not only red flags but a full Red Arrow fly-past here. You're living a very dangerous lifestyle and won't be told differently. Then your husband will be left all alone with your child and will survive on benefits.

OK thats all I have to say - I'm out. Best of luck.

Yes, I know! This is a topic for a discussion, for sure. It is good to have different angles in order to help me address it in a balanced, non-emotive way.

Seems no matter what advice is offered on what to try is just dismissed and in fact the OP seems more concerned with HIS needs and wants and is unable to see things from her pov - it's all about him, quite depressing actually, i.e., instead of eating at midnight (ridiculous) and get yourself a baked potato instead - no, then she'd miss out on all the good chat, wine etc.....I honestly give up! OP you don't have to have a fabulous meal cooked by your fabulous man every night of the week surely lol.

That reply was to yeastextract btw. But, yes annarose, I see that I have to do some lifestyle adjusting. That's probably why i really started this thread, i think...to get some perspective on that.

No, Jan45, I don't. But I have to talk to HIM about that, in a way which is fair to him too. And I will, it's all good advice.

Late evenings are not just good chat, they are my only chat (that is not about work, or child health or care issues). But again, yes, compromoise, some late night chats, some early nights...that would be what I really need, of course.

OFGS, you shouldn't have to spell it out to him that eating at Midnight is not good, can't he see the hours you are working?

I assume you go to bed around 1am and are up at what time, 630? That is no way near enough sleep, esp if you are driving and falling asleep at the wheel, again, does he know about this?

In a way which is fair to him? How is asking to eat at a reasonable hour UNreasonable to him? When he comes and goes and eats and sleeps as he pleases? I hate to say this, but grow a pair.

Seems like he controls every aspect of your life. You eat when he says, you pay for his children, you support him in his hobbies and whatever else he fancies. Why can't he get a part time job and help lighten the load and I dunno, pay for his own children? I cannot even think why you think eating at midnight is normal. What else do you have to comply with which is dancing to his tune I wonder. Your relationship is utterly dysfunctional and just odd. But heck, get pissed and have a lovely chat every night while he shows off his culinary skills. How odd.

I agree, heart attack or stroke are right round the corner. I find your replies utterly blinkered and bizarre - I'm out.