sexual issue

[silverring]

Nc for this. And will be a bit vague on family details etc so as not to out self in any way. Really a bit of an AIBU. I am prepared to hear that I am being U. Sorry it is long, don't want to drip feed and I have a complicated life! ...

My DH is my second H, our family consists of him, his two adult DC (one of whom still lives with us, both of whom are dependent on us), and our small child together, who has a disability and needs quite a lot of attention and care given to his needs, and constant liaison with numerous professionals in health and education. When we met, before any kids were living with us, we were both massively into lots of sex, lots of experimentation, days and days of sexy stuff, relationship was fun, exciting, all very great. He left the country where he was living to be with me.

Ten years down the line: I am over 50, past menopause (he is quite a lot younger), work a fulltime professional job plus a private consultancy after hours (takes all my time pretty much, including weekends) and earn very well. Much of our money however goes to looking after the children (our child, with his problems, plus the two adults, who are still at Uni and dependent on us), and I work very hard indeed to provide a good lifesytle for everyone. DH never managed to get a decently-paying job in his field in this country despite retraining at great expense and much effort (not his fault, recession etc). So he does not work and is always the one available for the child, pick up from school, appointments, looks after him on weekends etc. (I however am the one that gets up in the morning to get him ready for school etc, DH sleeps in for an extra hour at least). He also does the accounts, housework, cooking, shopping. It seems like a good arrangement. We could not both work and keep up the care of the child as we do.

Except: he is getting increasingly frustrated (and now actually really nasty to me) about the fact that I am not really up for sex like I used to be. There are probably many reasons why not. I am tired all the time, sometimes so much that I fall asleep while driving home. I work every day, including holidays and weekends. There is constant stress and worry about children, money, elderly parents, you name it. Our disabled son is a constant worry (and source of much private sorrow for me) and requires a lot of energy too, I liaise with professionals about him on a daily basis and basically co-ordinate his treatment and his life. I also just don't have the libido I used to, since the menopause. I just don't feel like sex much (well, when it happens I still love it and think: why don't I do that more often, he still turns me on and is an excellent lover, but it feels like I can't be bothered to start!). We both probably drink a bit too much, pretty much daily (I have been cutting down but he completely refuses to, blaming it on sexual frustration and saying that he might as well drink as it is his only pleasure). He has taken to calling me "lazy and useless" and when I protest he tells me that I am a great professional in my field, and a great mother and stepmother but a totally crap wife. And of course he is right.

I am so sorry it is so long but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

You wouldn't have to support him if you separated. Did he tell you that?

Oh I would have to support him. He has no money and no job. His children are basically my children, I can't exactly tell them "Dad is out on his ear but you can stay". And he and I decided together what would happen about his career, my career and the childcare issue etc. I can't just turn around now and so OK out you go. (obviously if there was domestic violence or criminality I could, but otherwise I cant see anyone seeing that as either moral or indeed legal). My conscience would kill me before the addiction problems did under those circumstances anyway!

My ex is calling me a rediculous mother after he walked out on us 6 months after giving birth to my son and got with another woman straight away, I have thought that it may have been going on before hand. He's now got into my head and says I'll never find anyone else???

You fall asleep while driving?

Please, please, please stop driving. This is not ok. You are a danger to other people. You are being irresponsible. I really sympathise with your post and understand what that kind of schedule is like (I am similar), but being tired impairs you far more than you are aware of. All people underestimate how impaired they are by tiredness. You are not safe driving. Please think about your safety, and the safety of other people on the road.

I'm sorry not to reply to the rest of the thread but other people have done so far better than I would have, but this stood out to me and I was surprised only one person had mentioned it (and without mentioning how unsafe this is).

OP I don't often comment on relationships cos I'm not that wise in that area but felt like I had to say something here.
If you are so tired you are falling asleep behind the wheel you run the very real risk of causing an accident, how would your family cope if you were to die? How would that impact on your DS? How would you feel if an accident you caused took someone's parents or even children away from them. I dont mean to sound awful but if you often fall asleep driving it's a very scary reality. I'd go so far as to say you should not be driving at all really, it sounds like it's happened more than once. It's not just yourself your outting at risk.
Does your DH know you fall asleep driving? If he does and he still speaks to like that and complains about not getting his end away he can't be that nice. If he doesn't know then he needs to, might make him rethink how he talks to you. He should be doing his best to make sure you are getting some rest, why can't he make dinner earlier and re heat his later? Those extra few hours may make all the difference to your mental health and then maybe libido. Not saying you can't work it out and others will give you advice here on all that, but in my view, sorting so you are safe to drive should be priority for both of you at the moment.

Xpost a with axolot.

Also I noticed you mentioned drinking, Are you allowing time for that to be out of your system before driving? I'm assuming here but If you're drinking with or after meals after midnight you may not pass a breathalyser the next morning. And if it is still in your system it won't help you staying alert.

Oh I don't keep on driving! I pull over and have a nap, or get out and walk around then continue. And I am never over the limit while driving, don't worry. I was just illustrating how tired I can get.

Reflecting on this: DH is the kind of person who does not really think about how much rest someone is getting etc. He has an aratic pattern, sleep-wise and general diurnal rhythmn-wise. He does't sleep as much as a "normal" person himself often, and can go to bed very late or not go to bed at all. Or he will have a big long sleep and then keep odd hours the next day. He is like that with food too. He does not eat all day, and has one meal at night, which he usually likes to "make a meal of" as it were; complex cooking, many parts, wine imbibed while preparing etc. We could never just have scrambled eggs or a baked potato or something like that. It always has to be a full meal: fish or meat, sauce, garnishes, several veggies, salad, the whole thing. And he can get home late too, so the whole thing starts late. Tonight, for example, I have been off sick today (hence my ability to spend the day moaning on MN!) so I was here this afternoon for childcare, so he has been able to go and do his activity all day. He is going to be home about 9 I should imagine. then he will start cooking the whole shebang. Which takes a while, what with drinking wine and going outside to smoke to be factored in while it is happening.

So actually, what I am saying is that he can be a bit odd, it seems. And that is what I loved about him when we met, he is very different from other people. Only it is hard to then fit that difference in to the busy work and family life we now have to live.

I am beginning to see themes that we need to talk about. This reflection and your views have all been very hekpful, thank you!

That should have read erratic pattern, sorry.

What happens if you have "the talk" and he doesn't change at all? That very often happens. You need to have a contingency plan. What if, heaven forbid, he should up and leave you? These things can happen when marriages aren't happy. Think beyond what is happening now, to the unthinkable - because you need some options.

You have lots of things going on there.

• the tiredness so much so that you are falling asleep behind the wheel. You DO need to address that as either you will gave an accident or the tiredness will cause other health problems. You will end up collapsing from burn out and then what will happen??
• sex life that you would like to restart. First question for me is when do you feel like having full on sex? By any chance, is it when you are feeling less tired? I'm getting the feeling that both if those are linked together (as well as feeling you are just old and fat). Also when I the day us working best for you etc.
• your DH and his behaviour. Actually I can see why he is getting angry/grumpy. Sex is a great way to release stress. If he has no other way to do so, it will mount up. (At least it does that to me). He might also feel frustrated about the situation, him not working etc. feeling he has enough to initiate sex and you turning him down (bit good for your self esteem). But what you normally expect in a relationship is for that partner to ask what us going on, what could help rather than insults. Or did he ask but you never answered?

Tbh it feels like he us at the end of his tether and you are just starting to hear him.

Good point, and I have some experience from my first (long) marriage, in which the man could not change. I will have to think about that. We are indeed quite old to expect to change substantially (I include myself in that).

I can't imagine him leaving me, because of the various children issues (his kids would be horrified, I am very close to them. And what about the little one? I cannot see either of us agreeing to not be with him every day). But of course I should not be complacent. It can and does happen. Again, food for thought.

The above answer was to Lois.

TheFrair, yes good post and I am glad someone can see that DH too would have a point if he were part of this discussion. I believe he would for sure.
We need a holiday, have not had one for eighteen months (no money for it last year). That would certainly help. And I need to take some time off work and use it to sleep, I think. I will, in fact!!

It can and does happen indeed. I've read far too many threads on here where exactly that has happened.

What strikes me, also, is that your husband seems to have a much more balanced life than you. Sure he has the house and your child to care for, but it seems he sleeps and eats pretty much when he wants. He does his activity pretty much when he wants. And the cooking hardly sounds like a chore as he appears to love it.

So when is your downtime? When do you get to eat or sleep as you wish? When do you get to pursue some hobby or interest outside of the house? When do you get to spend hours over some leisurely cooking? When do you get to do anything but work yourself into a coma and then have grumpypants insult you for not wanting sex?

I'm really sorry but that's still so dangerous.

If you're so tired you are finding it hard to stay awake you are not safe to drive, whether or not you pull over and walk around.

Something else from my experience.
When we had a 'dry spell' (much drier than yours!), I remember counting how often we had sex. I know we had axe once a month because I made sure it happened.
DH on the other side would have said it happened once every other month if that.
Why? I was doing like you, counting all the sex times we could have. He was looking at the times when we had REAL sex, in your case once every 6 weeks for full on sex instead of once every 2 weeks (what you are counting).

Now someone was coming over saying 'my DP only wants to have sex with me every 2 months' it has been like this fir the past 5 years and I am at my wits end, they would probably be getting support from MN and be told that your sex drives are incompatible and they should LTB and be happy with someone else.

Not saying that's what your DH should do. But lack of a sex life DOES have an impact on relationship.

If you work till 9 or so every evening and at weekends, and are so tired you almost fall asleep on the wheel, you're headed for a heart attack before you retire.

It seems like you are so driven in your career that you are driving yourself into the ground.

Hello, just read the whole thread. A couple of suggestions, talk and agree on some compromises: dinner can be later at the weekends but through the week you eat by 10( which would still be hideously late for me but you seem ok with it). He does not have to cook the way you discribe every day. Quick midweek meals are the norm for almost everyone and can still be delicious.

You can and should, IMO arrange for regular respite for your dc. This is designed to give parents a break and you need it desperately. It's not cruel or selfish, it's essential. Then spend some time sleeping, go for a facial, a massage or whatever makes you feel special. Have a meal ( go out?) and very likely the best kind of sex will follow.

And work? Well you seem to be coming round to the fact that this needs to be reconsidered. Why do you have to work so hard?doing extra etc? It doesn't make sense. Is it connected to your need to control and be Top Dog? This could be pretty wearing to live with tbh.

I don't condone your DH insulting you but there are ways you can both get back at least some of the old passion and connection you had. Being post menopausal doesn't have to ruin your libido. Have you talked to your GP? There could be treatments that could help such as oestrogen gel. Anyway options to consider. You sound exhausted but I like the fact that you don't want to LTB

He's nasty to you.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who's nasty to you?

OP - this thread is horrifying. You are putting up with so much - and getting not a lot back.

As a PP said - he gets to choose when to get up, when to do his 'hobby', when to eat... - why can't you grab something (jacket potato, batch-cooked-and-frozen casserole, ready meal, even beans on toast) at a reasonable hour (that would be 630-7pm for me!) ?? It's not healthy to eat at midnight - and then presumably sleep shortly after. It's not good for your digestion, or for fat-burning. It is proven to cause metabolism slow-down - which means you will be laying down fat as you sleep, simply because you have no time to [even begin to] burn it off.

your lifestyle is simply unheathy! No wonder you have no energy, are overweight, fall asleep at the wheel...

silverring I am sorry if you felt insulted by my comment, but if you speak to parents with older children/young teens you may realise that many of them do end up spending most of their time in care facilities. This is because a young adult can often become a danger to themselves and others. It does not mean the parents don't care, it just means they have realised that looking after a young child with a high level of special needs (especially when you are in your 60s/70s) is very different to looking after a strong male adult with a high level of special needs. My own nephew is high level special needs and his mother, who adores him and had major house conversions to allow him to stay at home, is slowly coming to this realisation even though it is breaking her heart to face the truth that she simply cannot control him when he gets frustrated/angry and many of her peers are also feeling the same (one mother was sexually assaulted by her teenager before she relented- not his fault as he has the mental capacity of a 3 year old and was responding to hormones/instinct). As I said, I was speaking from experience, and I don't think it makes you or them any better/worse as a parent for admitting to finding it difficult or admitting to needing help with care/respite.

So what is going to be the glue that holds you together without children? You keep defending your husband but, to be honest, he sounds like a selfish dick.

And you sound a bit of a needy martyr too. I'm actually not sure why you've posted for advice because all you do is defend your husband's actions and your own, without considering any advice you are given. You could have had this conversation with yourself and come to the same conclusions.

If you're not eating till midnight, presumably you're still drinking then? No wonder you're falling asleep at the wheel.

His sleeping patterns are erratic because he can do what he likes when he likes. He is not holding down a job like you are. If he doesn't want to go to bed at night it won't impact on his responsibilities the next day. You are running yourself into the ground and he has the audacity to complain about lack of sex.

How you can live like that I do not know.

Your husbands behaviour and nastiness is unlikely to change unless there are consequences. Why should he change? He knows you won't leave. So what are the consequences going to be?

Hmm. Well worldgonecrazy I think I posted more to sort things out in my own head, and actually it has helped. I could have had the conversation with myself, yes of course, and I did, but it helps more when other people's views are there, even if I don't necessarily agree with all of them or act directly/immediately on them. All the thoughts that have been expressed will have an impact on my thinking. I suppose one thing is that I don't have anyone in RL I could be this honest or confiding with. I am the tough, together, successful career woman and SN mother all-in-one superwoman etc...in terms of how people see me, except of course I am not at all. Obviously. (And yes, I have had therapy etc, but not in it at present, so no-one to really confide in about such intimate issues).

Regarding the future for my son, everything we are doing now, all the huge energy, expense now etc, is geared to trying to ensure that he does not have such behavioural problems when he is older, and it sems to be going well so far. Of course there is the possibility that we are not going to cope later on, and of course I won't be here forever. That is tough stuff to face, and part of the daily stress I feel. Right now, however, I have to be positive...