sexual issue

[silverring]

Nc for this. And will be a bit vague on family details etc so as not to out self in any way. Really a bit of an AIBU. I am prepared to hear that I am being U. Sorry it is long, don't want to drip feed and I have a complicated life! ...

My DH is my second H, our family consists of him, his two adult DC (one of whom still lives with us, both of whom are dependent on us), and our small child together, who has a disability and needs quite a lot of attention and care given to his needs, and constant liaison with numerous professionals in health and education. When we met, before any kids were living with us, we were both massively into lots of sex, lots of experimentation, days and days of sexy stuff, relationship was fun, exciting, all very great. He left the country where he was living to be with me.

Ten years down the line: I am over 50, past menopause (he is quite a lot younger), work a fulltime professional job plus a private consultancy after hours (takes all my time pretty much, including weekends) and earn very well. Much of our money however goes to looking after the children (our child, with his problems, plus the two adults, who are still at Uni and dependent on us), and I work very hard indeed to provide a good lifesytle for everyone. DH never managed to get a decently-paying job in his field in this country despite retraining at great expense and much effort (not his fault, recession etc). So he does not work and is always the one available for the child, pick up from school, appointments, looks after him on weekends etc. (I however am the one that gets up in the morning to get him ready for school etc, DH sleeps in for an extra hour at least). He also does the accounts, housework, cooking, shopping. It seems like a good arrangement. We could not both work and keep up the care of the child as we do.

Except: he is getting increasingly frustrated (and now actually really nasty to me) about the fact that I am not really up for sex like I used to be. There are probably many reasons why not. I am tired all the time, sometimes so much that I fall asleep while driving home. I work every day, including holidays and weekends. There is constant stress and worry about children, money, elderly parents, you name it. Our disabled son is a constant worry (and source of much private sorrow for me) and requires a lot of energy too, I liaise with professionals about him on a daily basis and basically co-ordinate his treatment and his life. I also just don't have the libido I used to, since the menopause. I just don't feel like sex much (well, when it happens I still love it and think: why don't I do that more often, he still turns me on and is an excellent lover, but it feels like I can't be bothered to start!). We both probably drink a bit too much, pretty much daily (I have been cutting down but he completely refuses to, blaming it on sexual frustration and saying that he might as well drink as it is his only pleasure). He has taken to calling me "lazy and useless" and when I protest he tells me that I am a great professional in my field, and a great mother and stepmother but a totally crap wife. And of course he is right.

I am so sorry it is so long but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

I'm afraid I'm out too OP (frustrated) but good luck and I hope you get a sense of perspective soon. Please prioritise your health and if he is as good a man as you think, surely he can help you turn down the pace of your life and support you in getting healthy food at normal times and sleep. If not, please have a long hard think. It all sounds very odd, I'm afraid and deeply unhealthy.

And my final thought - if you are working all the hours god sends how do you have time to post on this thread, constantly........

Auburn I do understand where you are coming from but it's not really like that. There is no sense in which I am "paying for his children", I consider them my children. Or my family. (The only family I have in this country in fact). Whatever you like. And if he had a job then I would just need to pay someone else to be available for our child whenever he is not and believe me I would have to pay far far more than he could earn (his original type of job would be impossible as he would not be able to be in the country enough of the time). He does not control any aspect of life apart from when I eat, really. He has nothing to do with the largest part of my life, time-wise, which is my work, and when it comes to decisions about our child's treatment and education etc he would always defer to me.

I know everyone is fed up with me now and certainly I am fed up with myself. So thanks everyone and i am going to have a bit of a rest!

Only today Auburn, only today! As I said, I have taken sick leave (unusual for me but I have lost my voice and have a terrible cough, and in my job I have to talk a great deal so would not be much use today). Off to rest now!

Instead of being fed up with yourself, you should try being fed up with him, things might change then, they certainly won't going by your comments, sorry OP, we did try.

I was joking about being fed up! I know that I have to address issues with him. Planning to take some baby steps at a time but to definitely make and negotiate changes in both of us, I really do thank you for your perspective.

Silverring someone once gave me a piece of invaluable advice.
When you're really fed up and unhappy with a situation, change it.
It was fairly brutal, but it was honest and it helped.

I understand about being stuck in a rut so deep that it seems impossible to clamber out from, but it absolutely is possible if you want it enough and are motivated to actually start putting the wheels in motion.

Very true Enrique

What is the worst thing that could happen if you cut back on your hours? The young adults at University would have to support themselves? Well that's what happens across the country. I worked in Universities and students without financial support from their family worked, and worked (some two jobs) while studying, and applied for Access/Hardship funds. There's no shame in that. Someone's got to have the money.

You are killing yourself (possibly literally) to no good end. Things would still tick along without you working seven days a week. What do you think the rest of us do?

Hi OP,
I think you've had some great advice. I want to post because I identify with much of your background situation. I too am the breadwinner, I have a background of mental health and addiction problems and at times in my life I have been as rigid in my thinking as you come across in this thread. The end of my "using" left me life threateningly ill and I have a physical disability and chronic fatigue as a result. My 'recovery' - and I use that word in it's very broadest sense - has taken in bits from many systems and ideas, with 12 steps and Mindfulness and the Christian faith and modern medicine. And with respect, and love, I would say you neither have a sex problem, or a husband problem, but a recovery problem.

What would happen if these 'I can't's and 'I won't's became I could and I might?

My career is less high flying these days - chronic fatigue put paid to the person I thought I was. We live in a small flat in a less good area but a small mortgage - and holidays are a cottage in Wales out of season - £200. There's no money for private therapy/ counselling but I have invested time in my relationships/ friendships and these help to keep me well. Recovery takes work. I look, honestly, at substances and processes that are firing those old well worn addictive synapses... It sounds like you're doing that and it scares you. Do you need to give up alcohol? Do you need to give yourself permission to need 8 hours sleep at night and easy simple nourishing food?

Finally. Recovery thrives in relationship. Perhaps yours has only been good in relationships because that's the easiest way to invest in a person that makes you feel good. Singleness for the addict is ok. But it still requires relationship and you'd have to adjust your work life balance a bit for that. My DH is wonderful and part of my recovery. Your DH has been part of your recovery. Is he still?

I wouldn't have sex with DH if we ate at midnight and I was woken up at 6am.

He's got it the wrong way round, saying "why eat early, it's not like I'm getting sex afterwards" - well, it would be more likely if you were less tired!

Has he realised that his food faffing, which he enjoys, is taking up a "day part" when a simple meal would leave that day part free for other enjoyable things, whether chatting or sex or whatever.

Plus eating later is bad for metabolism, I think.

Thanks for the further contributions (Yes I said I would go and rest but it's quite restful browing the internet for a change!). Boxofsnails you certainly do understand a lot about where i am/have been. He was not just part of my recovery: he was my recovery. The very dangerous risk-taking behaviours stopped dead the day he arrived, it was astonising. That was ten years ago. I too have used 12-step, minfulness, also some faith-based thinking, and am still in recovery. But of course, as you note, I am still drinking (not more or less than I ever did, but it's steady and never diminishes, except for the three years when I was pregnant and breast feeding).

Oh yes I could get the kids to fend for themselves. But after the enormous investment I have made over many years in ensuring their education was paramount, I really don't want them worrying about money, or about having to work to live (they do some bits of tutoring and so on for extra cash, but I do pay for their phones, cars, etc, and of course one of them lives with us). They are both doing incredibly demanding degrees and I want them to attend to getting their marks, not be worrying about money. This is a throwback from my own childhod, when my parents bankrupted themselves for my education, the education that has enabled me to be who and what I am and to make my way in the world. (I also now support my parents, and I am obviously not going to stop doing that either!).

Eating earlier: yes, I AM going to be doing it (as I think I said before, it's not like eating late is a weird thing in my life that someone imposed on me, it was quite usual for me, it's just that DH has not changed, whereas I have had to!). My metabolism and everything were fine when I ate late and got up late! It's just that I can't get up late any more!

Lots of wise words and challenging opinions to think about, thanks again to everyone, I did read everything carefully and will do so again, and am thinking about it all I promise. Now I really am going to go.

I really don't want them worrying about money, or about having to work to live otherwise known as "growing up".

It's actually very good for young adults to learn some independence while studying. I'm fairly sure this is one of the reasons why they come home after University and don't leave for years. They can't cope and we've made it too easy for them. I made the mistake of bankrolling my daughter for vaguely similar reasons to yours. She blew most of it on clothes and shoes and asked for more. (I didn't know she's blown it on clothes and shoes at the time.) It's only now, at the age of 28, that she is beginning to handle money better. Just.

My parents did fully pay when I was at Uni, fees, cost of living, the lot. And they did it again when I retrained (I was married at the , had the dcs etc). I asked them to loan me the money but they refused and gave it to me instead.
So I know exactly where you are coming from in that regard. I know I will do the same fir my two dcs.

BUT they could financially afford it which is why I accepted their gift as an adult. As a teenager/young adult, I didn't feel I could say NO to my parents when they were saying they were paying for it all so that I could concentrate on my studies. But it made me uncomfortable because I didn't know if they could really do it or not and if I was asking for too much or was reasonable into expenses etc. I would have much preferred if they had told me 'this is what I can give you. I can easily afford that but if you need/want £xxx more than you brill have to work a bit for it' iyswim?

Another thing I have noticed from your posts is how you are putting everyone before yourself. Your DH and what he wants to do (like eating very late), your dcs, your parents.

Do you ever put yourself and your needs first?
When is the last time you said, Y is going to happen even though it will be a slight annoyance to X, Y and Z because I need that and at this moment in time, this is more important , I am more important.

Yy thefriar.

You may want the DSCs not to have to worry, but I'm sure they would be worried if they knew you were so tired and worn out. You matter as well.

My metabolism and everything were fine when I ate late and got up late! It's just that I can't get up late any more! - KER-CHING! The penny may well have dropped!!! OP, you cannot get up late any more! SO, YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLIER! This, in turn means, you MUST eat earlier. Whether than means he 'boringly' has to cook earlier (ie do something for YOU) or you grab a readymeal 3-4 times a week (and yes, go to bed at 1030 with the wafts of a 7course banquet for ONE coming from downstairs) it has to be done.

YOU CANNOT GET UP LATER ANY MORE! YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE.

FFS.

And - if you are not getting in until 930pm (with or without a little nap by the side of the road ) when you even see your son, other than at 630?

I think it's great that you are supporting his dc; he obvs doesnt think it's enough that you support them, and him, and your son, because you don;t give AMAZING sex any more. .

Yeah apparently she's a crap wife..........

What happened to your childrens biological mother? Why isn't she in the picture at all?
Apart from at middnight, what are the other times of day that you eat?
There is no way that you will get your sex life back on track while you are working seven days a week and from where I am standing, your husband is trying to emotionally bully and blackmail you into having sex on his terms.

You sound like such a nice wife. And your opinions seem very even-handed and well thought through. Clearly you're working very hard, in a difficult situation.

Letting go of blame etc etc ... he sounds sexually frustrated for quite a while, and it's starting to be all he can think about. In this state of mind he's feeling impotent, and depressed that he can't see anything changing. His unreasonable behaviour (which it is...10pm meal??) is him giving up/kicking out

But you know all this, because you clearly are very astute. Seems like any way to press the reset button on sex, could break out the cycle. IF it were me I would include in the conversation all the changes you need from him to help you.... IF he didn't respond to an honest conversation like this THEN I would suggest he doesn't deserve you...

Good luck..

Well I am back again, for a short while. I am again grateful for the views, although I do not agree that I am always putting myself last. My family is everything to me, if you could have seen me as a seriously ill downward-spiralling divorcee, alone in a flat with no-one, no-one at all, ten years ago, and look at me now with a vibrant, interesting (and yes challenging) group of people surrounding me, and friends, and people who care about me and love me, you would realise that by being this person in this family I am certainly looking after myself too.

Yes, I AM addressing the late eating issue, as I have said. A priority. Other times I eat? Well, I usually get something at lunch time, I don't eat breakfast and never had (except on Sundays or when on holiday). Try to low-carb to combat the increasing weight but it's hard when you are on the move a lot. No junk food though. I dont do fizzy drinks or anything like that. I eat very healthy food in fact (whether out or at home), but have too much of a fondness for chocolate and biscuits, which is the cause for the weight gain!

I don't generally get home at 9, I get home earlier (unless there is some kind of work emergency), but I often work till 9 (working at home). So I do see my son in the evenings, and try to always give him his bath. And I see him in the mornings of course, bright and early! And for some hours on the weekends, try to take him out on Saturday or Sunday morning for a couple of hours to do an activity.

The adult childrens' mother, well she is in a far-away country and has never contributed anything to their upkeep or education. (Since they have been adults she does pay for their air tickets to come and visit her, as I eventually drew the line at that, although we did pay for the air tickets when they were children, it was written into the custody agreement in fact, part of the deal for her lettng them come and live with us). The deal seems, from her point of view, to have been that she would send me her kids so they could have a fab education in the UK, so she gets to improve her children's chances in life; and I get to have the kids for most of the year! It seemed like a good deal to me (and in those days it seemed very clear I was not going to be able to have children of my own. Then a little miracle came along...but thats another story). These kids were so lovely that having them living with one, and being part of their development and progress was and is an enormous pleasure, so I always felt I got the better part of the deal.

The issue about "giving" amazing sex is an interesting one. I really objected, when DH and I had a row about this the other night, to his characterising what was happening to our relationship as me basically failing to "provide" something. I don't want to see sex like that and I told him so: it's a mutual thing for the benefit of both of us (I was mad about sex for most of my life, to quite an extreme degree really, no matter what state I was in, and DH knows that, so this change is something that has been a big change in me in the past five years, and something of a shock, to me, and disappointment, to him).

OK, now I really do have to stop, and I am sorry this was so long but this whole thread has been of enormous value to me, both in what people have said but also in me being forced to explain myself and examine aspects of my life. My "sick day" is over and DH and the little one will be back from shopping soon, where they have gone to get groceries. I can promise you all one thing, I am going to bed early tonight!

Can I suggest that in order to help yourself feel better about yourself, you need to look at your eating habits? I would highly recommend going to see a nutritionist/dietician.
Chocolate and biscuits are junkfood!