sexual issue

[silverring]

Nc for this. And will be a bit vague on family details etc so as not to out self in any way. Really a bit of an AIBU. I am prepared to hear that I am being U. Sorry it is long, don't want to drip feed and I have a complicated life! ...

My DH is my second H, our family consists of him, his two adult DC (one of whom still lives with us, both of whom are dependent on us), and our small child together, who has a disability and needs quite a lot of attention and care given to his needs, and constant liaison with numerous professionals in health and education. When we met, before any kids were living with us, we were both massively into lots of sex, lots of experimentation, days and days of sexy stuff, relationship was fun, exciting, all very great. He left the country where he was living to be with me.

Ten years down the line: I am over 50, past menopause (he is quite a lot younger), work a fulltime professional job plus a private consultancy after hours (takes all my time pretty much, including weekends) and earn very well. Much of our money however goes to looking after the children (our child, with his problems, plus the two adults, who are still at Uni and dependent on us), and I work very hard indeed to provide a good lifesytle for everyone. DH never managed to get a decently-paying job in his field in this country despite retraining at great expense and much effort (not his fault, recession etc). So he does not work and is always the one available for the child, pick up from school, appointments, looks after him on weekends etc. (I however am the one that gets up in the morning to get him ready for school etc, DH sleeps in for an extra hour at least). He also does the accounts, housework, cooking, shopping. It seems like a good arrangement. We could not both work and keep up the care of the child as we do.

Except: he is getting increasingly frustrated (and now actually really nasty to me) about the fact that I am not really up for sex like I used to be. There are probably many reasons why not. I am tired all the time, sometimes so much that I fall asleep while driving home. I work every day, including holidays and weekends. There is constant stress and worry about children, money, elderly parents, you name it. Our disabled son is a constant worry (and source of much private sorrow for me) and requires a lot of energy too, I liaise with professionals about him on a daily basis and basically co-ordinate his treatment and his life. I also just don't have the libido I used to, since the menopause. I just don't feel like sex much (well, when it happens I still love it and think: why don't I do that more often, he still turns me on and is an excellent lover, but it feels like I can't be bothered to start!). We both probably drink a bit too much, pretty much daily (I have been cutting down but he completely refuses to, blaming it on sexual frustration and saying that he might as well drink as it is his only pleasure). He has taken to calling me "lazy and useless" and when I protest he tells me that I am a great professional in my field, and a great mother and stepmother but a totally crap wife. And of course he is right.

I am so sorry it is so long but I wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

Share a bottle of tequila with him and forget about it? No, just joking. I need to talk to him, or probably seduce him (it is not hard, he doesn't seem to notice that I am old and fat!), and then talk to him while we are both feeling good. That would work in the short term. In the longer term, not sure...

Ah! Then what you need is to grab some time off work, park DC with a nice babysitter.

Get up a bit late, have a hot shower then jump his bones... tell him stop moaning, make you breakfast, make the best if the free time, and repeat the sex, cup of tea/food bit until exhaustion.

When awake again... have that chat... time and communication are the baddest boys here.

And keep moaning here... it is the right place for it

You don't need another man to prove your vitality, it's fine being single, I bet your OH aint no oil painting.

Ooh! See, cross posted with much the same idea

So 'more sex' is the solution?

As it seems to be the issue... for both of them, why not?

Actually, the chat is probably more important. But rekindling the right mood for sex is too... making time for it, for you as a couple, for accepting that both have played a part in the gradual slump... acting like kids, talking like grownups!

I would say lack of sex is the symptom of a failing relationship where the balance is totally skewed. Having more sex to placate him is just a sticking plaster though. I don't know why you think you have to stay with him, I can't see how him saving your life and keeping you alive works tbh. It makes no sense. You seem so rigid in that belief that you don't seem to be listening? You also seem very accepting of this imbalance of power in your relationship. I don't see why he can't work in some way. Or if not work lighten the load for you in other ways. Getting drunk every night and maybe eating at midnight and then making you feel guilty for not having sex is hardly a good relationship is it?

I totally agree with Auburn.

I don't think this has anything to do with sex. Given your circumstances, fortnightly sex seems reasonable to me.

Lack of meaningful communication and the drinking seem the obvious problems. I think he's a twat for insulting you and name calling but I think you are to some extent 'hiding' behind the career and the support you give your child.

It's a big stress also to know you are the only bread winner, is there anything he actually appreciates what you do?

I don't understand why you have to eat late at night? Midnight is quite late to have a meal for anyone, especially if you're up at 6.00 a.m. or 8.00 a.m.

Your relationship is suffering from more than lack of sex. It's suffering from lack of communication on both parts, and the fact that he is watching naked women to wind you up speaks volumes about his attitude to you.

He actually sounds a bit of a nob, and you sound worn down. I don't think anything will change, in 10 years time you will be more worn down, he will be grumpier, the only difference is that your two adult children will no longer be a financial drain, and your youngest son is likely to spending most of the time in a care facility (from experience I have of families with severely disabled children once the child becomes an adult).

What will you do when you don't have the excuse of the children to keep you together?

Will try to answer some of the questions. We eat late because that's when he wants to eat, and he does the cooking. I am happy to eat pretty late, I often don't get home/finish working until late anyway. But around 10pm would be good for me, not 12.

Please just take it from me that I cannot be single. I do not want to go into my health/mental health/addiction problems in detail, but I would not make it. I have been well for many years now but I know myself and what has happened to me in the past when I have been single.

He could work, sure, but the money that he would make would be far far less than what I would have to pay for specialised childcare and for ongoing specialised training and supervision of such carers. And in our situation DH and I both need to be able to be available for appointments, meetings etc about our child on a very regular basis. Because of my seniority in my organisation I can do this, and make up the time elsewhere. In the kind of job DH does (did) he would be out of the country frequently, and would also not be able to dictate his hours and availability. It just would not work.

Good point about me hiding behind what I do. Of couse I do try to big myself up sometimes. Human nature I suppose. And I am sure he does appreciate what I do, although he would never say so. (I also don't tell him enough how much I appreciate all he does, so that comment did make me think. Yes, mea culpa too).

I do want to try and rekindle the sex. I just wish I felt more like it, if you know what I mean. He is still very attractive (I said he was younger!). You might not describe him as a oil painting but he's in very good shape.

FWIW my son is not going to be going to a "care facility". Not while I am alive anyhow. That's a rather insensitive comment if I might say so.

How is him treating you like rubbish helping any mental health/addiction problems? Because from here it looks like you are finding any excuse to permit him to treat you awfully. I have never heard of someone not being single because of an addiction.

He does not generally treat me like rubbish, but he is fed up at the moment. I am trying to sort out whether he is entitled to feel fed up and what I should feel/do about it.

It is certainly the case that for many people with mental health/addiction issues, being in a relationship is a major protective factor. That is the case for me, with my particular issues, honestly.

I have been single (for short periods) and been life-threateningly ill. I have been in relationships (even less than perfect ones) and been well. Lifelong pattern!

Still don't understand how HE is preventing you from being ill when he is name calling you.

In fact, apart from your OP, everything else you have written seems to praise him so not sure what you are actually looking for here.

Calling you lazy is the biggest insult when you are run ragged whilst he lies in - just makes no sense and who would want sex with anyone who acted so self entitled, it's a two way transaction.

I think your low self esteem is what is making you think he's actually alright when you know the way he is with you really is not, you'd not have written on here otherwise.

Who eats at midnight when they work, does he not take into account your working week, or is it still all about him?

I don't know what answer OP is looking for from us. She seems blinded by him, and I don't know why. If he is at home all day he could cook way before 10pm. Seems like he is trying to sabotage rather than assist.

This makes me sad. OP, nobody's life or health depends on anyone else, and certainly not on a twunt who calls you lazy when you work around the clock. If you are intent on staying with him then get a bit tough. Tell him you can't eat at midnight. Tell him you might feel like sex if he was kinder to you. Tell him you will not be insulted. Do not settle for the shitty end of the stick just because you think it's better than being alone. (It isn't.)

I am going to talk to him about this. Absolutely. Do remember though that I admit that I can be verbally abusive too. I am no angel.

I dont really know what answers, if any, I wanted, actually just to chat I suppose, and it has helped.

He is not actually at home all day, he has an activity he does (which eventually may end up in a new career for him, and which certainly keeps him sane as otherwse he would just be doing childcare, cooking and housework every day all day, which would I don't think he could stand) and is out doing that several days a week. He is often however home several days a week, usually does the school pick up and can always be available, at home or wherever, when needed.

My life and health don't exactly depend on him but do depend on someone being there for me and keeping me on track, and I can't imagine there would be many other takers for the job.

Actually, what I have forgotten to say is that in fact I love him. Its not our style to say anything as soppy as that to each other out loud (except sometimes during super-hot sex, wich is rare), but actually, I do!

Also, if we were ever to separate, it would be devastating for our disabled child. And neither of us would ever relinquish care of him so I can't imagine how that would go.

I don't think having a disabled child should keep people together. My colleague has a disabled child and she and her ex share the care.

It is really sad though, that you can't envisage a life where you depend on you. People with mental problems, and I count myself there, cope alone. We often have to - I've never really had a partner. And you would cope too.

I have indeed envisaged such a life, and tried it, on more than one occasion. It was life-threatening on every occasion, as I have said. Very rapidly too.

Sharing the care of our son would not be an option, without going into further detail. And DH would have no money and no career, because of the choices we have made together, so I would have to support him anyway even if we were apart. I can't afford two households, can barely manage one as things are.

Well...sounds like you are kind of stuck with him then.

I am indeed. And so we need to make it work better. Absolutely.