I've failed my 2wo DS

[FailureNewMum]

My DS is 2 and a half weeks old. He was very long-awaited and very much wanted, and I love him with all my heart.

It was a difficult birth resulting in it being really tough looking after him at first, but after DS arrived I've given it my all and truly tried to do my best for him. We've bonded really well and he's everything I've ever wanted. At first I was doing really well, loving every minute of finally becoming a mum. Midwifes and HV all pleased with how everything was going. However bit by bit my confidence with DS has been completely eroded. All I hear is criticism of everything I do. My DP was great at first whilst I was in hospital after the birth and when we first came home, but since then he has whittled away at me, repeatedly questioning everything I do for my DS as well as continually telling me what a horrible person I am. I've been in almost constant tears since Friday now, and I can't take anymore of it. When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care.

My DM is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. I've also tried talking to her about the way my DP been acting towards me, but she doesn't believe me (DP is very good at putting on an act of being a reasonable calm man to everyone else but me). Earlier tonight it has culminated in my DM coming round to my house and joining in with my DP in telling me that it's me in the wrong, that there's nothing wrong with the way DP has upset me, that I have brought it all on myself etc. DM then texted my Sister (without telling me) and got her to come round to my house too to join in, so I had the three of them standing around me telling me off about DP as well as DS. I hold DS wrong, feed him wrong, wind him wrong, wrap him in blankets wrong, talk to him wrong, I shouldn't cuddle him I should keep him in the pram. I'm absolutely awful to my DP and I should count myself lucky to have him (they won't hear otherwise, even though I've tried to open up to them about DP on lots of occasions in the past). When I try to explain the things DP has said to me and why I'm so upset, I'm a liar, I exaggerate, I'm hysterical. I am the problem.

I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night.

I'm now at the point of doubting every single thing I do for DS. I feel like I don't know how to be a mum anymore. I feel like I'm not being allowed to be a mum. I have been complete crushed and every decision I make is the wrong one. I know I am far from perfect but I am honestly trying my absolute best. It's not enough though. I don't feel like I have any support at all now and feel really alone in this. I wish someone would give me a hug.

My eyes are red raw from crying so long and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be the best mum I can be, but feel like I have failed DS and that he deserves so much more. I'm looking at him lying there now, so beautiful and innocent, and all he's got is this rubbish mum who doesn't feel like she can even do it anymore.

Sorry that's so garbled.

Oh sweetheart that's so sad. You haven't failed him at all! You sound like a lovely mum. Sadly your partner is an abusive twat and your mum isn't much better. Stop listening. When you get a chance tomorrow can you call a friend and tell them you are struggling and need a listening ear?
Also, when you are up to it, call women's aid. They will be very sympathetic and will help you make sense of what he is doing to you.

You're absolutely not a failure. Having a newborn is really tough, and your 'D'P and 'D'M are being really cruel and unnecessary.
Have you got a friend or family member who could come by tomorrow for some company and moral support? Is your DP usually this spiteful?

Your family sounds pretty toxic. Ignore the nonsense and try to get support from supportive people.

Thank you so much for your replies and for being so nice, you've made me cry again. My mum and sister are my only nearby family, and I dont have any friends that I would talk to about this kind of thing (not that kind of close friends). I don't really know where to turn to be honest. I keep trying to make a strong resolve in my own head that I can do this, that I can find my own way as a mum, that I will do it for my beautiful DS, but I keep getting knocked down again. I'm kind of dreading the morning coming. At least now everyone is asleep and not tearing strips out of me, it's just me and DS in peace.

Go to your GP and or health visitor. They can point you in the the right direction of local groups that will help you. Is there a playgroup nearby? ( try local churches as they often hold groups in their halls) I know he is young but they are full if mums who can help, even if you visit once they can point you in the right direction of a baby group.
Good luck

You sound like a lovely mum. please trust your instincts with your ds. Cuddles are important for new babies, they should be cuddled as much as possible. It's good for both of you.

If you really have no one to call on then try women's aid.

I can't believe he has thrown you out of bed claiming you are attention seeking that is so cruel. Try to get some sleep and make that call tomorrow.

Agree with aebj, try yo find support in your community, playgroups, even playgrounds. And if you keep feeling rubbish please talk to a hv or gp.

If you are doing it so wrong then they would step up and do it for you.

But no, they are all having a lovely sleep in while you are awake, sleep deprived and looking after your baby.

If you were so in the wrong they would be the ones awake.

Ignore them and start contacting women's aid or you midwife and take their help to leave.

You're not failing him, being a new mum is baffling, exhausting and scary, as much as it is wonderful, special and joyful, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job! I hope you can have space away from the criticism, with your little one, to enjoy him and carry on developing that wonderful bond. Speaking to your HV or GP is a great idea, maybe try to get to a new mums group or baby massage class? It's hard when you're feeling vulnerable, but try to ignore the comments, trust your instincts and do things your way.

Thank you so much. There's a drop-in stay and play thingy nearby on Wednesdays that I could give a go. I'm a bit nervous of meeting new people but I always said I would try and go to groups etc as much as possible when DS got here. Just wasn't sure whether he was too young to take at the moment. I will try and bite the bullet and go though this week and see how it is.

I hate feeling like I've let DS down so much. He's had to listen to so much crying from me and has been stuck in a horrible stressful environment, and that can't be good for him. I need to try and be stronger. I didn't want it to be this way for him at all.

You haven't failed your DS one bit! You sound like an amazing mother. Your family sound really unsupportive. Do you think you could give your HV a ring? Maybe she could talk some sense into them.
Tiny babies only need cuddles and feeding, don't worry about anything else.

When I was having a crisis of confidence when my DS was a newborn, my HV once said to me 'happy mum, happy baby'. I don't mean that you're not allowed to cry or be sad, I'm sure we've all had our fair share of moments like that with a newborn, and beyond! I take it as meaning that if you can look after, and find support your own emotional, mental and physical needs then everything else will fall into place. Good luck with it all x

Op please make the play group and speak to someone. Don't
Worry you will make new friends if you seek out other mums.

Take care and seek some support and please keep on cuddling and feeding your little one.

You sound like you are a great mum. I hope you can get a bit of sleep on the couch tonight. Call your health visitor in the morning. They should be able to offer you some support. Keep posting here. Things will get better. Your family sound awful, but it will feel 1000 times worse right now because of hormones and sleep deprivation. my family are lovely but I took everything the wrong way when dd was that young.
I am not suggesting that they are not awful- they are. But it is your post baby lack of sleep and hormones which are translating that into you failing. It is they who are at fault.

Good lord. Your 'd'h is a twat. An abusive twat. Your mum is too. Your story brought tears to my eyes.

Get yourself and baby to either your local clinic where HV works. They will see you. Tell them what's happening.
If 'd'h doesn't want you to go then say you want to weigh DS. If you can't get there try your local children's centre.

DH and I temporarily split last year and I had no one to turn to in the immediate days following. I stumbled into my local sure start centre one day and a woman there made tea and spent about 3 hours listening and offering advice and services.

Women's aid as well. Call them when your ready. They will back you up and give you the confidence and tools you need to pack up and go this alone. I promise both you and DS will be happier without your meddling 'family'.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or advice, links etc.

You haven't failed him sweetheart. His father and grandmother have, but you haven't.
Ignore them. And keep coming back on here

Good god - it is really hard with a small baby - we all doubt ourselves and everything we are doing.

IF you can possibly get tough with everyone, do. Send texts or emails to sister and mother and say stay away from me and my baby if you cannot be nice to me. Say their behaviour this evening was not helpful and they are not currently welcome in your home. And try and mean it. Say it's not open for discussion. You cannot rely on them for help so don't ask. I found that my best support was a friend with a baby 5 weeks older than mine - she was just ahead of me but it was fresh enough in her head for her to really support me and my questions.

As for your husband, if he is on leave, it might be better if he goes back to work frankly. He sounds like an utter dick. The only right way to do baby is to do what feels right, and whatever it takes to get enough sleep to survive. That's is it. Babys need food, burping, lots of touch and clean bums. And that is about the sum of it.

Thank you all so much, it sounds silly but it means so much what you've all written.

Right, I WILL go on Weds to the drop-in thing. Even if I just stay for 5 minutes I guess it's a start.

DP will be going to work tomorrow. DM will no doubt be phoning first thing in the morning and/or trying to come round. I just want to have a nice day cuddled up with my DS having some peace and rest. I want to have some time to enjoy him and try and get myself together. DM will want to hash over all her thoughts about me / DP / what I've done wrong. I'm going to try telling her that I've decided to take some time out alone with DS to try and find our own way together. I hope that works.

NewMum you're not a failure. You have an abusive partner, and an abusive family.

When I had DD my family was full of praise for me. Not because I was anything special, but because I was an earnest and hopeful new mama holding her baby, and that's what good families do - they support you, encourage you, love you, especially when you're unsure of yourself. Especially when you have your first child. It's they who are not normal, NOT you.

(Of course your baby doesn't need to be in the sodding pram unless you need him to be - but you know that already.)

Was your partner abusive before you had DS? the way you talk about him, it sounds long term.

Have you ever thought that you would like to leave him? Has his criticism got you down this much before?

Cross posts.

I just want to have a nice day cuddled up with my DS having some peace and rest.

That sounds bloody perfect.

I'm going to try telling her that I've decided to take some time out alone with DS to try and find our own way together.

Try being a bit firmer. You have instincts, don't you, for the way you want to care for DS? so be confident. Tell her you're spending the day in bed feeding and would like to be on your own with your LO. When she protests, tell her that's what you'll be doing and a polite goodbye.

I am so sorry they are making doubt yourself, you sound like a lovely caring mum. Don't doubt your instincts in the care of your baby, ofcourse you should cuddle him!
Your dh should be supporting you. When you feel a little better try to have a calm conversation with him about how you feel, he might be overwhelmed by everything as well but he needs to be there for you. I hope you find a group of new mums to chat to.

"I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night."

Seriously????? This is wrong in so many levels thst i dont even know where to start.

Wow OP. Your post has made me quite emotional.

It is normal to be a bit emotional after birth, but what you are having to endure sounds like abuse.

I do think you need to chat to your HV or anyone really, you cant carry on like this. Something has to change. I will bet your bottom dollar it is not you doing anything wrong.

Tell your dm that you don't want visitors today. I remember well from having a new born that visitors were just a bloody nightmare. I just wanted it to be ds and I, and everyone else to leave us alone.

Enjoy your day alone with ds. I know we all say it and it doesn't seem real right now, but they grow so fast and you need to treasure this time with him when he is so small.

yy OP your partner is not unsupportive, he is emotionally abusive.

Yes, DP has always been like this really. He blames me for everything, justifies his own behaviour and twists things. The best way I can describe him is very Jekyll and Hyde. He can be absolutely lovely, caring and loving, will go out of his way to do anything for me. When he's being nice I can't fault him. But he can also be unkind and selfish, very critical and say awful things to me, and is unable to show any empathy, show any understanding or see things from my side. He outright denies saying or doing things that he has done or said, and won't take any responsibility for anything - it is always all my fault and anything bad I bring on myself. One of his favourite threats is that he is going to call my DM and get her to sort me out, and tell her exactly how horrible I am (and he does indeed follow up on this threat quite often). I hate it, it's treating me like a child (I'm not, I'm in my 30's)

In one breath DP will tell me I'm doing brilliantly, but in the next breath (right afterwards) he will pick apart everything I do and say into pieces.

I started off pretty confidently with my little DS. It's just disappeared now though and I'm worried I won't get it back again. In my heart I know I'm doing my best for DS, but I'm worried that I'm actually not seeing how wrong I'm really getting it all.

I'm bloody well NOT letting them start it all off again today though. I'm exhausted and I need a calm day alone with DS. I'm going to make that as firm and clear as I can, non negotiable.