I've failed my 2wo DS

[FailureNewMum]

My DS is 2 and a half weeks old. He was very long-awaited and very much wanted, and I love him with all my heart.

It was a difficult birth resulting in it being really tough looking after him at first, but after DS arrived I've given it my all and truly tried to do my best for him. We've bonded really well and he's everything I've ever wanted. At first I was doing really well, loving every minute of finally becoming a mum. Midwifes and HV all pleased with how everything was going. However bit by bit my confidence with DS has been completely eroded. All I hear is criticism of everything I do. My DP was great at first whilst I was in hospital after the birth and when we first came home, but since then he has whittled away at me, repeatedly questioning everything I do for my DS as well as continually telling me what a horrible person I am. I've been in almost constant tears since Friday now, and I can't take anymore of it. When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care.

My DM is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. I've also tried talking to her about the way my DP been acting towards me, but she doesn't believe me (DP is very good at putting on an act of being a reasonable calm man to everyone else but me). Earlier tonight it has culminated in my DM coming round to my house and joining in with my DP in telling me that it's me in the wrong, that there's nothing wrong with the way DP has upset me, that I have brought it all on myself etc. DM then texted my Sister (without telling me) and got her to come round to my house too to join in, so I had the three of them standing around me telling me off about DP as well as DS. I hold DS wrong, feed him wrong, wind him wrong, wrap him in blankets wrong, talk to him wrong, I shouldn't cuddle him I should keep him in the pram. I'm absolutely awful to my DP and I should count myself lucky to have him (they won't hear otherwise, even though I've tried to open up to them about DP on lots of occasions in the past). When I try to explain the things DP has said to me and why I'm so upset, I'm a liar, I exaggerate, I'm hysterical. I am the problem.

I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night.

I'm now at the point of doubting every single thing I do for DS. I feel like I don't know how to be a mum anymore. I feel like I'm not being allowed to be a mum. I have been complete crushed and every decision I make is the wrong one. I know I am far from perfect but I am honestly trying my absolute best. It's not enough though. I don't feel like I have any support at all now and feel really alone in this. I wish someone would give me a hug.

My eyes are red raw from crying so long and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be the best mum I can be, but feel like I have failed DS and that he deserves so much more. I'm looking at him lying there now, so beautiful and innocent, and all he's got is this rubbish mum who doesn't feel like she can even do it anymore.

OP, you sound like a great mum. Not so sure about your own mum, though. At best she's being naive and not thinking for herself .

As for 'D'P, he sounds truly awful. Hoe dare he spoil these amazing first weeks for you? How dare he throw you into crisis when you are at your most vulnerable? How dare he call in the help of your own family for his sick little plan? Step 1 is to stand up to him. Do not let him win. Step 2 is to get involved in your local community. Feel like a good, capable person again, because you clearly are.

God what an awful man. Do not let him get away with it. This is very important for you and your baby's future. You are better than him, SO MUCH BETTER.

"One of his favourite threats is that he is going to call my DM and get her to sort me out, and tell her exactly how horrible I am (and he does indeed follow up on this threat quite often)"

Aaaaaaagggggggrrrrrrr

Is your partner really not letting you go to bed? He is being abusive, I hope you can arrange to speak to your health visitor today.

You sound like a bloody brilliant mum. Your dp and dm and dsis are all horrible people. If you can't leave, you need to stand up to them properly. You were getting everything right at first when you were trusting your instincts. They have temporarily made you doubt yourself but you can get that mojo back. Your baby, you are in charge. You do not have to take this shit.

This sounds like a horribly abusive situation.

Talk to your health visitor. She will tell you if you are winding/feeding etc the right way. Don't listen to dp and dm.

Do you have an emergency phone number for your HV? Phone it and talk to her.
If not go to your GP surgery and sit there until you can see a GP.
If your P goes to work, unplug the phone or just don't answer to your Mum.
You can reach out to people like Women's aid, if you are Breast feeding the La Leche people.

Child birth and just after is a very emotional time, and lots of things you've forgotten about can resurface, that is without having pretty toxic people around you.

If they really thought you were dangerous they would either be taking you to A and E/calling in help or staying with you at all times to ensure the baby's safety. As they are not you can be sure they are just intimidating you. I am sure you are doing fine.
You really need to summon the energy to get help.

I hope you are ok, don't answer the phone to DM,

Cuddles are the best thing for both of you, Trust your instincts OP, Its not you, its them.

Op you sound like a brilliant Mum but your in an abusive relationship times 3 Not so DH,your Mother and your Sister!

If I was you I'd ring your HV this morning and ask her to come and see you today.Tell her everything they've been saying to you and she can put your mind at rest and assure you that you are doing everything right for your baby!

You really need to get out of these relationships though Newmum. I'd leave him and go no contact with your Mum and sister.

There's lots of support and different threads on here for women who think they're in an abusive relationship you should have a look at some of them.
Read how different the first few posts are that the OPs write when they're still putting up with it and compare how happy the later posts are where they've got away from the emotionally abusive people.It's like two different people.

Have a look at this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting you might recognize some of the abusive behaviors in your husband,mother and sister.

You poor thing. The first weeks are an emotional rollercoaster for everyone, and it's hard enough with loads of support, nevermind trying to carry on with unsupportive and abusive people around you.

The idea of the HV is a good one - show her this thread. Hopefully she will be informed enough to know that abusers often step up their game when a baby arrives, as they feel more confident that you are "tied" to them and therefore they can use you as even more of an emotional punchbag because you are powerless to stop the situation/leave the situation.

Your DP is not dear - any man worth his salt would be doing everything he could to make your life easier with your newborn, not harder. He is the one who should be sleeping on the sofa, not you.

I will not pretend that it will be easy for you to toughen up, but for now, just focus on getting through the emotional next few weeks, keeping you and your baby safe, and then deciding if you really want him to grow up thinking this is how you treat another human being?

Read the bit on gaslighting, and remember you were not put on this earth to be someone else's emotional punchbag.

I really feel for you OP. I know how you must be feeling, but rest assured you are doing a wonderful job. Every mother is different just like every baby. Just because your doing something differently doesn't mean it's wrong.

You need to get yourself a support system away from your toxic family. Try going to baby groups where you can meet other mums and make friends. You'll see your doing fine.

Your DP is not a man you need in your life. You may well find that things are easier by yourself without him breathing down your neck.

Congratulations on your DS, you're going to be a fantastic mother, don't be hard on yourself.

Oh sweetie!!

Get in touch with hv as others have said. It's so important to look after your own mental health. Happier mum is better all round I think.

Trust your instincts. I think you sound like you a great mum.

If your DP has issues with your "attention seeking" by sleeping in the same room as him yadda yadda , TELL HIM HE'S SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. It's not like it sounds as though he'll be loosing any sleep over new baba so sofa will do for him.

tell your mother and sister (by text if necessary, if you don't want to face them) that you are disappointed that they are not even remotely supporting you. That you are still finding your feet and that you feel they are ganging up on you.

Arm yourself to the teeth with current nhs guidance re sleeping and feeding

And if all else fails tell them there are many ways to skin a cat and that if they "don't like what they see" they more than welcome to never see dc again.

After all your mw/hv have absolutely no concerns with your baby. So why should they. nosey interfering parkers

my baby's not here yet but I'm already looking forward to hugs galore!!

Hug away OP. Your bonus for having baby in first place

Also change your MN name. you are not a failure

Came across this thread this morning and it has made my heart break a little. OP You are not doing it wrong, you are doing a wonderful job! Your problem is being surrounded by toxic people.

You need to have a day today in which you forget about the world outside of your little boy. Batteries out of the doorbell, phones on silent, snuggle in just the two of you.

Tomorrow, start making steps to get these people off your back. Email or text your mum and sister. Explain how much their criticism hurts and how as a new mother this is the last thing you need so they either support or stay away.

Your DP - well, it seems he has always had these traits, so maybe the first step is to talk to your HV about it, then maybe have a think about what you want to happen next - this cannot bw a happy environment for you.

I am sure that the professionals would have highlighted any areas of concern to you so it's a great shame that the family closest to you seem to be undermining you.

I'd give your HV a call. Also are there any of your friends or kindly neighbours or colleagues you trust to chat to? I'd like to think you won't feel isolated.

A trip outside if you feel ready will be a nice change of scene. Unless it's absolutely baltic or treacherous underfoot some fresh air every day is great.

If anyone tells you it's too cold remember he will be cosy in his nappy with a vest and tiny socks if you have them plus a babygro/sleepsuit; then, fleecy coat or snowsuit, blanket, little hat and mitts.Or if you have a sling don't bother with a blanket, carry him in a sling under your coat.

Back to DP if he's behaving like the big I Am and rubbishing your efforts what is he doing on a practical level to help? If he's so above reproach and you're so inadequate why did the two of you get together?

I hope you feel encouraged reading the replies you have had here.

You were sat downstairs at 4am on a freezing night with a new born because your partner didn't want either of you keeping him awake! This is abuse and child neglect by him. You are a good mum.
Ring your hv a tell them, they will help you get out of there.

Your post has really upset me newmum the first few weeks with a new born are so so tough and I could not have coped with any criticism! Please speak to your health visitor, turn off your phone and keep curtains closed. I hope you can get out tomorrow but don't beat yourself up if you can't. Maybe ask if sure start run any baby groups- I've found our one the only one aimed at babies not babies and toddlers which can be a bit overwhelming!

You are a fab mum, keep going and look after you and your baby. Eat, shower and sleep

I don't know where you are based but if you want to post a approximate luxation maybe we could help you find a breast feeding case \clinic \group nearby where you can go and sit and chat to other mums with babies the same age!! Fwiw my mother said u was doing it all wrong too.. Some of that is generational as advice has changed a lot. But your mum does sound pretty horrid!!!! Turn off the phone and ignore the door

Obviously that should have been I was doing it all wrong not u

Im a new mum myself with a 4 week old DD. Your post has brought me to tears of sadness. You sound like a lovely caring mum and its your dp and your family that is the problem.
The first few weeks are incredibly hard and no one finds it easy to begin with.
Please contact your midwife or health visitor for some advice and support, dont struggle on your own. Tell dp if he thinks your so awful he can pack his bags and leave, and as for your mother and sister tell them they are no longer welcome until they can show some kind of support and kindness towards you.
Im so sorry youre going through this OP.

And by all that's holy, I bet everyone who's posted their support will be more than willing to give your partner and mother a piece of our minds.
I'm spoiling for a fight.

I think you need to ring your HV urgently and show her your OP. Your DH and DM sound emotionally abusive.

I am just in disbelief that your dh sent you downstairs!

I don't know how to start helping you. You are well and truly up against it here.

Could you find it in yourself to talk to your health visitor?

Your family are not good to be around at the moment, they are spiteful, nasty and inconsiderate.

Tonight tell your husband you bloody well will be going to bed and sleeping upstairs. If he doesn't like it tell him to sleep on the sofa!

This post is upsetting, I'm so sorry for you.

You are doing a great job btw.

OP do you work? Are you on maternity leave currently or a SAHM?

I think you are in an abusive situation and I am really worried about you. If you allow yourself to stay in this situation I think you could end up losing your son as your whole family seem to be scheming to paint you in the worst possible light.

Do you want to stay with your DP? If you don't I think you need to start making plans to leave now whilst you still have a tiny bit of confidence remaining.

Health Visitors are very clued up on DV increasing whilst a woman is pregnant. I know you haven't said your partner hits you but he is emotionally and verbally abusive and legislation has just been passed to make this illegal.

Please set up a meeting with your HV and explain exactly what is going on and the sleep deprivation your partner is enforcing. They should be able to advise you but I'm thinking Women's Aid. Ideally you could move into a shelter where they would support you until you feel strong enough to go into your own accommodation.

I would go no contact with your Mother and sister as they are no friends to you I'm afraid.

Omg op I can't believe your family are treating you like that. That's awful. When dd was born, neither me not dp knew what we were doing. I remember how scary it was too even get her dressed, she was so small. It's completely normal to be unsure of yourself when you're dealing with a new baby. You've just been through the trauma of birth as well so it's a really vulnerable time.

Your husband and your mother and sister just sound horrible. When yoir husband is at work don't let your mum come round. Enjoy the day just you and your son. You haven't failed your son by the way but you husband and family certainly have. I hope you can get some support.

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. You have not failed as a mother at all, you are suffering from the effects of appallingly cruel bullying and controlling behaviour from your shit of a 'partner', made worse by your mother's attitude.

He needs to be got out of your life on a permanent basis & she needs to be kept away at all costs. Get hold of your HV, tell them the full story about what's happening and ask for their urgent help. Please talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask about getting into a refuge. Very common for abusive partners to get suddenly worse with the arrival of a child. They see that you are vulnerable and they exploit it.