I've failed my 2wo DS

[FailureNewMum]

My DS is 2 and a half weeks old. He was very long-awaited and very much wanted, and I love him with all my heart.

It was a difficult birth resulting in it being really tough looking after him at first, but after DS arrived I've given it my all and truly tried to do my best for him. We've bonded really well and he's everything I've ever wanted. At first I was doing really well, loving every minute of finally becoming a mum. Midwifes and HV all pleased with how everything was going. However bit by bit my confidence with DS has been completely eroded. All I hear is criticism of everything I do. My DP was great at first whilst I was in hospital after the birth and when we first came home, but since then he has whittled away at me, repeatedly questioning everything I do for my DS as well as continually telling me what a horrible person I am. I've been in almost constant tears since Friday now, and I can't take anymore of it. When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care.

My DM is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. I've also tried talking to her about the way my DP been acting towards me, but she doesn't believe me (DP is very good at putting on an act of being a reasonable calm man to everyone else but me). Earlier tonight it has culminated in my DM coming round to my house and joining in with my DP in telling me that it's me in the wrong, that there's nothing wrong with the way DP has upset me, that I have brought it all on myself etc. DM then texted my Sister (without telling me) and got her to come round to my house too to join in, so I had the three of them standing around me telling me off about DP as well as DS. I hold DS wrong, feed him wrong, wind him wrong, wrap him in blankets wrong, talk to him wrong, I shouldn't cuddle him I should keep him in the pram. I'm absolutely awful to my DP and I should count myself lucky to have him (they won't hear otherwise, even though I've tried to open up to them about DP on lots of occasions in the past). When I try to explain the things DP has said to me and why I'm so upset, I'm a liar, I exaggerate, I'm hysterical. I am the problem.

I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night.

I'm now at the point of doubting every single thing I do for DS. I feel like I don't know how to be a mum anymore. I feel like I'm not being allowed to be a mum. I have been complete crushed and every decision I make is the wrong one. I know I am far from perfect but I am honestly trying my absolute best. It's not enough though. I don't feel like I have any support at all now and feel really alone in this. I wish someone would give me a hug.

My eyes are red raw from crying so long and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be the best mum I can be, but feel like I have failed DS and that he deserves so much more. I'm looking at him lying there now, so beautiful and innocent, and all he's got is this rubbish mum who doesn't feel like she can even do it anymore.

You're not failing your baby. Your family is failing you.

Please contact your HV or GP and get yourself out to the baby groups. Please ask for help from them or Women's Aid.

I hope you've been able to get some sleep with your DP out of the house.

How dare they treat you like that! The bastards. I think showing this thread to your HV is a very good idea.

Big hugs for you OP.

It sounds to me like he's seen how amazing a mum you are, and your close bond with your DS and he's trying to tear it all down so he can control you like he has been accustomed to. Maybe your mum believes him because she can't handle the reality that you are in this situation, or maybe she is also a bully.

You are NOT the one in the wrong. You are an amazing mum who is being tortured at this hugely vulnerable time. I would advise you talk to women's aid, refuge and your HV. I think it might be time to take steps to remove yourself from this situation as I strongly suspect your mum and partner will try and overrule your attempts at some autonomy.

I feel so sad reading this, what a deplorable way to treat a new mother. My DS was born in Sept so I can't imagine how you must be feeling, it is so tough bringing a tiny bundle home without all the abuse to deal with. You hold on to your precious baby tight and try to distance yourselves from these people.

I've just seen the time of your post - 3.50 am! And you are sitting downstairs because your partner says you're trying to keep him awake?

This is one of the worst cases of abuse I've heard of on here. Your mother and sister are colluding with this absolute horror of a partner to make you feel awful about yourself and the baby. They are bullies and, frankly, they sound insane.

I think you need more than mother and baby groups (though they are fantastic) - I think you need to get out of there. I would advise you to call Women's Aid. You could have a really lovely time with your little boy if you just got yourself away from these toxic people.

Right, your DH is abusive, so are your DM and your DSis. Nobody, but nobody should ever treat a new mum in that manner, being a new mum is hard enough as it is.

First things first, speak to your HV/GP, speak to Women's Aid. Currently you do not have a support network, so get one. Go to baby groups, put yourself out there, you won't regret it.

You sound like a wonderful mummy and you need to start protecting yourself from these vile people, for your sake and for your DS. Make it clear that you're not interested in their bullying or their opinions. Next time they start tell them to fuck off, tell them you're doing just fine and you don't give a shit what they think. Unless they're total narcs, bullies tend to get bored very quickly when they realise their victim isn't falling for their shit. Even if it still gets to you, fake it til you make it.

If your mum tries to contact you today, be honest, tell her that you're thoroughly unimpressed with all their behaviour last night and have no intention of seeing her. Tell her you will contact her again when you feel like it, but that she shouldn't hold her breath that it will be any time soon, as you clearly cannot rely on her for support.

Trust your instincts with DS, you sound lovely.

Trust your instincts - that is the best advice I was given as a new mum. It included ignoring anyone who told me I was 'doing x wrong' and telling people they weren't welcome if they were too pushy.

That includes your Mum and Partner in this situation who are being horrible and abusive. really consider whether you want to remain in a relationship with your Partner, sounds like you are better off on your own.

Cuddles are so so important for newborns - they get your warmth, hear the familiar sound of your heartbeat, lots of skin to skin helps bf, and best of all you form such a close bond with your son. Treasure these moments alone with him.

It is a lonely time of your life tho, and you may struggle with the lack of routine in your day - so take a walk (even just round the shops), go to a baby playgroup etc to get some sane conversation with other new mums (I made a really awesome friend at mine who I now consider one of my best).

You are the mum - you know best. trust yourself - you are (already) doing a great job :) xx

Your post brought tears to my eyes, I can't believe anyone would treat someone like this - especially just after they've had a baby :(

You're not failing your DS. You're doing a wonderful job. Your partner, mum and sister are failing you and they're failing your son. It sounds like your partner is possibly jealous of your bond with DS? And wants to control you. What was your mum like when you were growing up? And is there any possibility that your sister is jealous? I've faced a lot of criticism of my parenting skills from one person who I know is jealous that I have a baby.

Not to say that any of their behaviour is excusable of course; they're behaving despicably. Enjoy your day relaxing with your little boy - ignore the phone, ignore the door, ignore everything and just relax and reassure yourself that you may not feel great, and other people may be trying to tear you down, but to that little boy, you're his whole world, and you are most certainly not failing him.

For you, OP It's clear you're a great mum.

You're not failing your baby. Your family is failing you.

This!

I hope you are having the peaceful day you hoped for, op. Please do call women's aid, if you feel able. Your partner is being abusive and your family, toxic. You have done nothing wrong. You don't deserve this, no-one does.

Your post is so poignant and through the misery these people are subjecting you to, your absolute love for your baby shines through. You are not failing him! You can and will find your own way and tbh, telling everyone else where to go is probably the best thing you could do for yourself and your lo, right now. All he needs, is you.

Dear NewMum,

I was wondering if you would like to change your username to "WonderfulNewMum"?

Also on a side note if you are breastfeeding your baby that is a great tool against abusive partners as you always have to have baby close. Don't worry if not, just adding as I once met a lady who did just that. (She is now out of that relationship thankfully, but she did have supportive parents at least).

Oh I really hope I am not being offensive it is so much more difficult in writing.

You are a wonderful mother, whatever way you are feeding your son. Especially because you are cuddling him a lot. Little babies need plenty of cuddles, it is common sense but actually research proves it too.

Oh my love, this is so sad and I wish there was something I could do to help.
Please don't think you are failing your baby. You sound as though you are doing a wonderful job in very, very difficult circumstances. Please take care of yourself and speak to a friend/HV as soon as you can. xx

Oh my! Your partner is a first class arsehole making you sleep downstairs! That's just the start!

I'd be wary of them all, you don't want them to put you in the one box two weeks down the line.

Speak to your hv! What's your location maybe somebody can meet you for coffee or something

Wow I've just read through all the replies and it's made me cry again. I've managed a little sleep this morning and am going to nap again this afternoon after DS's next feed.

I will speak to someone I promise - I'm going to start with the HV and take it from there. I'm also going to get DS weighed later in the week (first time not at home) and assume thats run by HV's too? Will have a chat there too. I don't want to feel this way, I want to feel strong and capable for DS - that's the least he deserves. I want to feel the way I did at first when he was born. I know I need to take care of myself to take care of him properly and I will.

Yes the weight is taken by hvs.

You sound lovely FNM. Cuddles and food is all your DS needs from you. You awful mother and partner are wrong. Please think seriously about speaking to Women's Aid. They are being horribly abusive at a time when you are vulnerable. This is clearly not the first time this has happened. You do not deserve this. You do not need to accept this as your life.

I'm so glad you're going to talk to someone. The weigh ins are run by the HVs so please do say something, they will look after you.

Few new mums feel strong in the first few weeks, but you are strong. Don't be hard on yourself, don't let their harsh words sink in and make you feel like you're not good enough. You're brilliant and you need to tell yourself that every day.

I presume from the way your mother treats you that you had a childhood where she put you down all the time. Little wonder that you have continued that relationship in your choice of husband? The way they are treating you is not normal and is in no way acceptable. You and your DS deserve so much better. To belittle and abuse a woman who has just given birth really is the lowest of the very low.

Please will you contact Women's Aid too? And the Freedom Programme will be invaluable to you too. In person is best, but online is also worthwhile.

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

I'm glad you are still here.

I had similar stuff to what you are going through, being told to leave the bed when DS woke up, no help whatsoever, and a DM that wanted me to just jump through her hoops, and not lend a single hand to me.

She dropped everything to help my sister 2 years later though

We no longer speak. It only got worse.

Please call your HV as a matter of urgency today, you need to start the process for people to help you.

I repeat what others have said - this is not you, it is them. they won't change and they will only ever get worse.
the best thing you can do for your son is to distance yourself from them (all) and get yourself away from them.

No good will ever be achieved by having any of them in your lives.

You are being a great mum to your DS, trust me.

Glad to hear you are making positive steps to overcome the abuse from you dh and dm.

Your dc is very lucky to have such a strong mum with excellent instincts. You said yourself you were doing well until they started meddling.

For what it's worth, there is no real right or wrong way with babies. Just what fits for you and your child. Don't let them undermine your maternal instincts and take this special time away from you.

We all trust your instincts you see. :)

Goodness yes, I'm another one thy would love to come over and tell your nasty H and M where to go, and help them in the way there!! How dare he throw you out of your bed?!! Utter utter bastard!! I'm am so angry for you New Mum, I really hope you can start to trust in yourself and then get away from these awful people in your life. You know best, don't let them convince you otherwise! X

NewMum, I just want to say again, you're doing wonderfully. And to add that two weeks is really, really early days in terms of recovering from the birth and finding your feet. Feeing exhausted, fragile, emotional does not mean that you're doing it wrong. It's normal to need help too, and I hope you can find some really kind, supportive people to surround yourself with

I hope you are ok