My DS is 2 and a half weeks old. He was very long-awaited and very much wanted, and I love him with all my heart.
It was a difficult birth resulting in it being really tough looking after him at first, but after DS arrived I've given it my all and truly tried to do my best for him. We've bonded really well and he's everything I've ever wanted. At first I was doing really well, loving every minute of finally becoming a mum. Midwifes and HV all pleased with how everything was going. However bit by bit my confidence with DS has been completely eroded. All I hear is criticism of everything I do. My DP was great at first whilst I was in hospital after the birth and when we first came home, but since then he has whittled away at me, repeatedly questioning everything I do for my DS as well as continually telling me what a horrible person I am. I've been in almost constant tears since Friday now, and I can't take anymore of it. When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care.
My DM is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. I've also tried talking to her about the way my DP been acting towards me, but she doesn't believe me (DP is very good at putting on an act of being a reasonable calm man to everyone else but me). Earlier tonight it has culminated in my DM coming round to my house and joining in with my DP in telling me that it's me in the wrong, that there's nothing wrong with the way DP has upset me, that I have brought it all on myself etc. DM then texted my Sister (without telling me) and got her to come round to my house too to join in, so I had the three of them standing around me telling me off about DP as well as DS. I hold DS wrong, feed him wrong, wind him wrong, wrap him in blankets wrong, talk to him wrong, I shouldn't cuddle him I should keep him in the pram. I'm absolutely awful to my DP and I should count myself lucky to have him (they won't hear otherwise, even though I've tried to open up to them about DP on lots of occasions in the past). When I try to explain the things DP has said to me and why I'm so upset, I'm a liar, I exaggerate, I'm hysterical. I am the problem.
I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night.
I'm now at the point of doubting every single thing I do for DS. I feel like I don't know how to be a mum anymore. I feel like I'm not being allowed to be a mum. I have been complete crushed and every decision I make is the wrong one. I know I am far from perfect but I am honestly trying my absolute best. It's not enough though. I don't feel like I have any support at all now and feel really alone in this. I wish someone would give me a hug.
My eyes are red raw from crying so long and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be the best mum I can be, but feel like I have failed DS and that he deserves so much more. I'm looking at him lying there now, so beautiful and innocent, and all he's got is this rubbish mum who doesn't feel like she can even do it anymore.