I've failed my 2wo DS

[FailureNewMum]

My DS is 2 and a half weeks old. He was very long-awaited and very much wanted, and I love him with all my heart.

It was a difficult birth resulting in it being really tough looking after him at first, but after DS arrived I've given it my all and truly tried to do my best for him. We've bonded really well and he's everything I've ever wanted. At first I was doing really well, loving every minute of finally becoming a mum. Midwifes and HV all pleased with how everything was going. However bit by bit my confidence with DS has been completely eroded. All I hear is criticism of everything I do. My DP was great at first whilst I was in hospital after the birth and when we first came home, but since then he has whittled away at me, repeatedly questioning everything I do for my DS as well as continually telling me what a horrible person I am. I've been in almost constant tears since Friday now, and I can't take anymore of it. When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care.

My DM is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong. I've also tried talking to her about the way my DP been acting towards me, but she doesn't believe me (DP is very good at putting on an act of being a reasonable calm man to everyone else but me). Earlier tonight it has culminated in my DM coming round to my house and joining in with my DP in telling me that it's me in the wrong, that there's nothing wrong with the way DP has upset me, that I have brought it all on myself etc. DM then texted my Sister (without telling me) and got her to come round to my house too to join in, so I had the three of them standing around me telling me off about DP as well as DS. I hold DS wrong, feed him wrong, wind him wrong, wrap him in blankets wrong, talk to him wrong, I shouldn't cuddle him I should keep him in the pram. I'm absolutely awful to my DP and I should count myself lucky to have him (they won't hear otherwise, even though I've tried to open up to them about DP on lots of occasions in the past). When I try to explain the things DP has said to me and why I'm so upset, I'm a liar, I exaggerate, I'm hysterical. I am the problem.

I'm sat downstairs tonight with DS asleep in his carrycot next to me. I tried to go upstairs to go to bed with DS earlier for some sleep, but my DP told me he wasn't sure that was a good idea and that clearly I was trying to keep him (DP) awake all night for attention, so I've had to come back downstairs with DS again for the rest of the night.

I'm now at the point of doubting every single thing I do for DS. I feel like I don't know how to be a mum anymore. I feel like I'm not being allowed to be a mum. I have been complete crushed and every decision I make is the wrong one. I know I am far from perfect but I am honestly trying my absolute best. It's not enough though. I don't feel like I have any support at all now and feel really alone in this. I wish someone would give me a hug.

My eyes are red raw from crying so long and I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be the best mum I can be, but feel like I have failed DS and that he deserves so much more. I'm looking at him lying there now, so beautiful and innocent, and all he's got is this rubbish mum who doesn't feel like she can even do it anymore.

Have you got a Children's centre close by OP? If you have go and ask if you can talk to a parent support advisor or a family support worker.

You had a baby less than 20 days ago (which physically is HUGE, emotionally it's even bigger) & when you are your weakest and most vulnerable you are being bullied by the people who are meant to support you. I have been in a very similar situation and I can tell you now if I hadn't reached out to strangers to help it would have been so dangerous. You need to speak to someone normal who can show you that this isn't right & you are being abused. Please speak to someone.

Please can you call your hv and or midwife and show them this thread.

My love you are being seriously abused by those who should be there for you.

The only way through this is to get away from them, by any means possible. To do this will require help, but show the health care professionals what you have written and they will guide you.

Call woman's aid when you have the strength to do so. Accept all offers of help from anyone except your family/that arsehole of a man.

Getting away from these people and letting others who do care help will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself and your son.

You have not let him down. Not even a jot. Keep talking here, we're here as long as you need us to be.

Oh Newmum you are so far from being a failure. You are doing an amazing job - coping with a newborn while in an abusive relationship and with no support from your family. Even a supermum would struggle under those circumstances.

It's not you, it's them.
Keep repeating it to yourself, because it's true. The more you can believe in yourself, the easier it will be.

Try to find some ways to make space for yourself, and distance yourself from your P, M and sis. Put your phone on silent, don't answer the door. Go to see your HV if possible, and definitely try that baby group. Once your P is back at work, you can spend your day cuddling your baby and catching up on sleep.

Your h is away at work today, so please make your calls now, get this situation back under your control

I am so sad and devastated to read your post. What a shit your husband is being

Please listen to the absolute brilliant lovely ladies of mumsnet, they will see you right. And your DS won't mind that you are crying, he probably just thinks you're trying to speak baby :)

You WILL get your confidence back. I remember wanting to pick up my baby DS and go and take him away to a cave where it would be just us. You could do that, although somewhere a bit more warm and comfy than a cave would be nicer.

"When I cry DP just keeps going at me relentlessly. I've tried telling him I'm struggling but he doesn't seem to care."

The OP needs refuge. He may not be punching her in the face but he is 'going at her relentlessly'.... bullying her to the point of exhaustion. She's in huge danger.

You poor thing. It's hard enough with the most supportive people in the world around you.

Remember you know best you're your DS mother. Cuddling is fine and to hell with all these "shouldn't do this and shouldnt do that"s. Cuddling is good for babies. I don't think I put my eldest down for a month (she wd howl if I tried to!)

Showing your HV or midwife this thread is a great idea. You might find it hard to talk about it, which is understandable, but they are abusive to you. You are not in the wrong, they are nasty twats and should be ashamed of themselves for treating you this way. You don't deserve it and you didn't cause it.

Here, your story has made another internet stranger cry. Please do accept this is an emergency. Refuge would be a great idea. Make it your cave. And from there, your own place. Safe. When I moved out from my XP's house, I moved into a little terrace with a dark blue painted front door. I later learned that dark blue on a door means "refuge". It totally was. An absolute safe place for me. He was not allowed to ever step one foot inside there. It was the best place I have ever lived.

You are being great. This is the start of you getting even better as you put boundaries in your life that keeps you surrounded by kind and emotionally intelligent people.

To do this you decide if when and for how long you see your mother and it is very valid to end any contact at the first criticism.

You leave your abusive partner- his hostility is something you can't recover from.

You snuggle that lovely baby and you believe that you have it right because despite all the crap surrounding you your instincts have triumphed.

Speak to women's aid, speak to your Hv, speak to the children's centre - start by getting space and time for you. Finish by slowly filling your life with good people.

You sound lovely - lucky baby:)

You have not failed your DS. Your DH, DM etc have all failed you. Please don't listen to them. Do you have a friend you can stay with? You need to get away from the lot of them. for you.

I can't give any other advice but I will say I went through the same. Your H will not get any better. You need to get away and fast. And your mother is colluding with him

Please call Women's Aid and your HV today. Tell them the whole truth.

And for what it's worth you sound a brilliant mum. You have not let anyone down. But please you need to get away from him now - otherwise he will ruin these precious early weeks and months, and you will never get those back again.

I wish I knew you irl....I woukd give your mum and partner a piece of my mind. You are doing a fab job and they don't know what they are saying. If you was so bad then hv and mw would have said something! You need to speak to someone and seek help to move away from this toxicity. Good luck op

Arseholes! I am so sorry you are being put through this. It's hard enough with a newborn without people putting you down all the time. Please don't listen to them and speak to your HV.
It will do you good to get out to groups and make new friends. You sound so lovely and you don't deserve to be made to feel like this. Trying your best is all you can do. You must trust your instincts. You're the one at home with new baby all day not them. Do not listen to them!!

((Hugs))

You're surrounded by abusive people OP and I feel so incredibly sad for you your partner and mum will whittle away at your confidence until there is nothing left.

The first thing I would tackle is your mum. The next time your Partner threatens you with bringing your mum round tell him you don't care! Why should you care what she thinks? What help is she being to you? None! And I bet she's been like this your whole life hasn't she? So no loss there as far as I can see!

Once he can't hold that over you he'll panic. Then it's time to handle him. Honestly I wouldn't stay with him, he's no good for you or your Ds. You sound like a great mum. Please don't let this carry on. Save yourself because these people will not help x

You gave birth only a couple of weeks ago & your partner sent you to sleep downstairs with your newborn baby?!

He is a selfish prick.

And as for your mother, you don't live with her, you don't need to tolerate her bullying behaviour. I would certainly go NC for a while with her until you are ready to tackle her.
My DP was very critical of me when my DS was born, it's cruel because in the first few weeks you are very vulnerable & things are so new. I told him to fuck off, if he didn't like my parenting then tough, he can leave & he will not see his son again. He changed instantly.

Some men can often forget that you, as a mum are the one that carried your child for 9 months, you gave birth, you are doing all the hard work & you are in charge. Don't let them take control of what should be a lovely time for you & your DS. You will feel so much better for sticking up for yourself, believe me.

The 'DP' in this story has a history of abusing the OP, way before the arrival of the baby. This isn't some ordinary case of two new parents having a bit of a wobble at caring for a baby, getting it wrong and rubbing each other up the wrong way. It's not going to be solved by attending a mother and baby group or telling grandma to back off. This is a very serious example of emotional abuse and bullying and the OP is having what sounds like an acute mental crisis as a result of the victimisation. She's in a really bad way.

I want to reach through the Internet, hug you, and wrestle you away from your abusive partner and family, OP. Please take the excellent advice given up the thread about where to go for support and advice. You are doing nothing wrong, in fact you sound incredibly bonded, together and caring for the mother of a newborn with no support, only needless criticism. I was a wreck at this stage, even with a supportive DP.

You know the (deservedly) nice, supportive things people have been saying on here? That's what normal, decent families and DPs say to new mothers. You've been unlucky enough to be among people with an abusive dynamic (and I can't say how disturbing I find your account of your Jekyll and Hyde partner, or his habit of calling in your nasty, critical mother and sister for backup when he can't intimidate you enough alone), but don't for one second think this is about any failings of yours.

Agreed, Cogito. This is an established abusive dynamic, not a new baby relationship wobble.

Poor you. When you have a baby you are very vulnerable and unfortunately it seems like your mother and husband are jumping on this for some reason and using it to make you feel bad. I would completely distance myself from my mother if she treated me this way.

The fact that you are doing well is not sitting well with them for some reason. Sometimes people pin hole people into being not very confident/ not a high achiever etc (not saying you are any of these things) as it makes them feel better. Maybe they are jealous that having a baby seems to agree with you and are trying to sabotage it. One thing for sure they don't seem to like you to be happy so are probably people that you don't need in your life.

All the best with everything. I hope you don't let them get you down. Be strong and stand up to them. You are the mother, do things how you want them done. You hold all the cards and they don't like it, use it to your advantage. Get out and make friends that have new babies, you will get a lot of support that way and it will make you stronger to deal with your personal life.

Hope you have found some space to gather your thoughts now your partner is at work

Listen to cog and call women's aid. They will be able to help you.

You have not failed your baby. Your partner and mother have failed you, though.

Tell your mother that you are having time alone with your child. Keep the door shut when she inevitably comes around anyway.

Cuddle your son as much as you want, and follow your own instincts as a mother.

Your partner is abusive. You need support, as a new mum, and as a woman with an abusive partner. Tell your HV and Women's Aid what you have told us here: they are here to help you.

Another one in tears for you here. Partly because twenty years ago, this was me, everyone ganging up on me, telling me everything I did was wrong, and that I was mad.

As PP have said, show this OP to your HV TODAY! This morning. There is a ton more help available these days.

It is NOT you, it is them. Honestly, and it will be ok, I promise. But you must tell your health team now.

Giant hugs.

BTW, my grown up DS is an absolute treasure, kind, thoughtful and gorgeous. Because, in part, I had the balls to remove him from the toxic people around us.

Sorry to be blunt, but your dp is an arsehole, please don't believe anything he says about you, he is obviously enjoying your discomfort. Maybe you need to sit your dm down and be firm with her and tell her how she and your dp are making you feel with constant criticism. If she won't listen, cut contact with her. You sound like a brilliant mum by the way.