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Original poster

9 years together and no real proposal which is bugging me now!!

106 replies

zippyone · 02/02/2015 11:26

Hi, we have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter together who's 5 and I have a on from a previous relationship who is 10. I am 35, he is 34.

He did ask me to marry him (on a whim, we were drunk!) after we were together 2 years, then changed his mind within a few weeks!

Since then not much mention except after our daughter was born - he brought it up but no real proposal. Well that was 5 years ago now!

It has not really bothered me until now, now I actually really do want to marry him so have dropped hints Wink but think I may need to spell it out in clear words? Is that too pushy? I want him to really want to marry me though not just because I asked, I don't want to ask! Should I just wait? If so how long?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 02/02/2015 11:28

Just ask him - at a time when theres no rush, or kids around, just 'darling, I've been thinking, and I'd like for us to get married. What do you think'

Flingingmelon · 02/02/2015 11:37

Ask him. I waited eight years and in the end after I demanded that he get on with it he confessed the wait was because he was terrified of the actual proposal/engagement ring bit!

Men can be very funny sometimes :)

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 11:48

Thanks, may sound old fashioned but I don't want to ask him, I want him to ask me!

OP posts:
firesidechat · 02/02/2015 11:53

Well left to his own devices he's unlikely to do that.

StayGoldPonyBoy · 02/02/2015 11:56

After almost 18 years my mum and stepdad still aren't married because he would rather take us all on nice holidays than fork out for a wedding. She doesn't share his view but won't say anything because he has to ask herHmm

I have been with DH since I was 15, we designed my ring together after 4 years and I knew he was going to ask because we discussed it at length for ages, the proposal was just for show but was lovely. I don't feel I missed out in not being surprised and it took the pressure off because I helped decide on my own ring and we knew I liked it and it fit!

invisiblecrown · 02/02/2015 12:08

So you're not going to move forward, because you're too attached to a rom-com trope of him asking you a question, that you both know the answer to?

Confused
tribpot · 02/02/2015 12:10

You want to be married and he doesn't. But you want him to ask you? It's not logical, is it? If you want it, ask. At least you'll know where you stand.

Thurlow · 02/02/2015 12:12

Well, if he's not proposed after 9 years and the birth of a child I think he's rather unlikely to just suddenly do it out of the blue now...

You have to spell it out. If marriage is important to you, then tell him. Or ask him. I agree with a PP about the imagine of a Hollywood proposal v reality. He might not be overly fussed about being married, but if it's that important to you then you need to ask him.

ClaudiusMaximus · 02/02/2015 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 02/02/2015 12:16

OP, are you aware of the legal and financial implications of not being married? Have you organised wills etc? If not, you need to discuss it.

If you want to be married then tell ask him.

KatelynB · 02/02/2015 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nolim · 02/02/2015 12:17

Propose! This is the 21st century i think.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 02/02/2015 12:20

My friends parents recently married after 52 years together! I think they wanted to know after 5 kids they were 'the one' for each other Grin

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 12:42

Haha Glitz, thanks for the replies, maybe I will just ask him then. As for finances, we don't have a lot of money and we rent so that is not an issue.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/02/2015 12:47

As it stands OP you're not his next of kin, so if either of you ended up on life support it may fall to your families to make the decisions. Have you made your wills?

OnceUponATimeAgain · 02/02/2015 12:50

Why dont you propose to him?

Although based on what you say, he might not want to, so a big gesture might not be appropriate

Just ask him who he wants to have the final say if he's on a life support machine as you're not his NOK

Viviennemary · 02/02/2015 12:53

Marriage isn't important to him or he would have proposed before now. But if it's important to you then he should marry you. This might be an old fashioned view. I think you should just say you want to be married. And if he says no ask him why not. I think it's much better to be married before you have children for lots of reasons.

TastelesslyDone · 02/02/2015 12:59

Or you could wait until cliche date, i.e. 29th February 2016, and ask him then

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 12:59

His Mum and Dad refer to me as his wife when introducing me (?), I have a very good relationship with his parents so we would discuss it together if it ever happened (he were on life support). Why even think about the worst that might happen, I don't get it?

OP posts:
OnceUponATimeAgain · 02/02/2015 13:04

Ok - twist it around then, why do you want to get married?

ReallyBadParty · 02/02/2015 13:06

Just to be clear, even if you don't have money, if you or he dies without a will and are not married you would not be entitled to anything from the other's possessions, and potentially also pensions and any life insurance benefit.

And you would not be classed as next of kin officially, so that things like death certificates and funeral arrangements might have to be done by other family members.

This happened to a friend of mine and it was pretty awful and added more upset at an already difficult time.

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 13:07

So why do you want to get married then, if not for legal, practical reasons?

Posters are just trying to point out the positive aspects of being married, which is what you want. Confused

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2015 13:10

Not discussing the worst possible scenario is fallacy on both his and your parts. No-one assumes that they are going to die in their younger years but the fact is that does happen.

I would be asking him what his views are on marriage and then make it about yourselves. You want and deserve an answer from him. It may well be that he wants to get married but not to you; I sincerely hope you are not the "she will do for now" woman in his life.

I would be correcting his parents actually because you are not his wife.
In law you are currently seen as two separate individuals and are treated accordingly. There is no concept of common law.

If your man was, God forbid, on life support the hospital staff would ask his parents to make decisions for him. You would be on the periphery of that even if you were involved. As his unmarried partner you could not open Letters of Administration for him re his estate nor even choose a headstone for him. If he died as well without leaving a will you would be dealing with a mountain of financial paperwork and perhaps also be in real financial hardship as well as dealing with your own grief. Also you could become very reliant on his parents and they may well not step up ultimately. It may well be that you rent and not have a lot of cash but provision still matters.

Armpitt · 02/02/2015 13:14

..and yet you have a kid? !
i just dont get this. If I was pregnant that would be the first thing I would insist on!

RiverTam · 02/02/2015 13:15

do you want to get married, or be married? Because he might not be so keen on the getting married bit, but more than happy to be married.

Just ask him. When you've been together that long and have a child then it really shouldn't be something you're scared to talk about.