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Relationships

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Original poster

9 years together and no real proposal which is bugging me now!!

106 replies

zippyone · 02/02/2015 11:26

Hi, we have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter together who's 5 and I have a on from a previous relationship who is 10. I am 35, he is 34.

He did ask me to marry him (on a whim, we were drunk!) after we were together 2 years, then changed his mind within a few weeks!

Since then not much mention except after our daughter was born - he brought it up but no real proposal. Well that was 5 years ago now!

It has not really bothered me until now, now I actually really do want to marry him so have dropped hints but think I may need to spell it out in clear words? Is that too pushy? I want him to really want to marry me though not just because I asked, I don't want to ask! Should I just wait? If so how long?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 13:21

I know Armpitt. I don't get this " I want a special, old fashioned proposal", but are quite happy to live together and have a child together. That's not my definition of old fashioned.

I'm not knocking living together and having children without a wedding, but if marriage is so important to you, then for goodness sake get married first and save yourself a lot of angst further down the line.

atomich01 · 02/02/2015 13:21

I gave up waiting after 13 years and asked him - his initial response was that he never wanted to get married. So I asked him to think of all the reasons he'd had for never wanting to marry, and think about whether they were still valid. He took his time, but eventually came and told me that he'd thought about it and changed his mind. We're in the happy planning the wedding stages now.

The point of the story is maybe he originally didn't want to get married, and is hanging on to the statement without re-evaluating the reasons. Ask him to think about it and get back to you, and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised like I was :D

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 13:24

I want to get married because I love him (obviously!) we have had our ups and downs and are stronger than ever so it just feels right now. As for getting married before having children - yes that would be the ideal but life doesn't always work out that way - it's not the 1950's!

As for choosing a headstone etc. don't think I would want to do that anyway :( I would not rely on his parents as I have very wealthy family members who would look after me financially if necessary.

OP posts:

Tisiphone · 02/02/2015 13:27

I didn't want to get married, but it mattered a lot to my partner, and we were having a baby and needed to sort out legalities, anyway, so I said OK, rather grudgingly. We're still very happy together, although I forget for long periods that we actually got married, and I have no idea when our wedding anniversary is.

You can't make someone want to marry you - and in fact I don't much like being married - but if you put a case for a quick trip to the registry office on practical grounds, your partner might be prepared to play ball, as I did.

Heels99 · 02/02/2015 13:28

Op you are in denial as to the legalities and potential issues of not being married. Perhaps he is too?

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 13:28

To firesidechat: The point is I wasn't bothered about getting married before but now I want to, does that make sense? My parents divorced when I was very young so I guess marriage has never appealed to me until now.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2015 13:31

Well you would not have any say re choosing a headstone that is why I mentioned it.

You need to ask him his reasons why. Are you really just afraid to hear his answers to your questions?. Presumably his DD has his surname as well. Time to stick your head above the parapet and properly ask him about his views on marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2015 13:33

Your parents divorced when you were young but that does not necessarily follow that you will get divorced in future. Have you never seen the government stats re the family and cohabiting couples; they as a whole are far more likely to separate.

RegTheMonkey1 · 02/02/2015 13:35

I remember my mother saying to me 'after seven years together, it's time to knit or split', but then she was the old-fashioned type! Everyone else has said what I want to say, except I will add that a very good friend of mine was with her partner for 10 years. He was in a very bad car crash and in hospital in intensive care. His parents - with whom she'd always had a good relationship - took over, deciding about life support and so on, and she was essentially elbowed out because she had no legal standing in terms of a relationship with him. She wasn't his next of kin and was amazed, baffled and hurt to realise that their 10 years living together counted for nothing. Marriage isn't for everyone, but at least formalise certain areas legally to protect children. To go back to the OP, maybe he thinks you're not that bothered, since the subject hasn't come up again since the birth of your daughter?

KatelynB · 02/02/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 13:37

Well if you've changed your mind you need to have that conversation with your partner. He won't know unless you tell him and, if the last 9 years are anything to go by, passively waiting really isn't going to work.

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 13:40

it's not the 1950's!

No op it isn't, but you're the one wanting to get married and waiting for a proposal.

pompodd · 02/02/2015 13:40

OP, I'm a man. My DW and I knew after having been together for a few years that we wanted to get married. I did end up surprising her with a proposal because I knew that she would like that.

Do you understand that you are in a potentially precarious position by not having made arrangements which, legally, replicate what the law would impose if you were a married couple? That's particularly the case if you are a SAHM. My DW and I were clear that we wanted to be married before having DC. I think she would have been foolish to agree to having children without us being married or having alternative legal protection in place.

What I don't understand is why you want to get married if it's not for the practical reasons that others have already referred to. If it's because you would like the fairytale proposal then you're clearly not going to get it from this bloke (or you will only get it by "forcing" him - which sort of defeats the object, doesn't it?) Surely better just to get it sorted out quickly for the legal protection it will give you - in which case, just ask him!

ClearlyOpaque · 02/02/2015 13:41

I think it might help your discussions with him if you're able to articulate why you want to get married. Your previous answer to that didn't really make any sense as a reason to want to get married.

For example, I want to marry my OH because I want to stand up in front of everyone important to us and declare how much he means to me. I also want to go through life as his obvious partner (same surname, ring on finger), so that people know we're a team.

But apart from all that, we're getting married next month mainly because we fell pregnant quicker than expected and there is no way I'm bringing a child into this world without being married to his dad. The legal and emotional implications of my OH dying without us being married are huge and terrifying. Having lost a few people close to me, I know what can happen after death and not having to argue with people over a will or a headstone (believe me, if your OH died, this would be important to you) is worth the marriage fee alone.

BreakingDad77 · 02/02/2015 13:45

He had a child with you without being married so I don't see why he is going to change his mind and your going to get some "traditional" proposal.
You have had a child so he probably thinks why bother now.

Feb 14th is coming up - ask, or try atomich01s way.

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 13:57

I did mention it just the other week, I said I think we should get married, he said yes but we cannot afford a wedding - I said I would not want a fancy wedding just something small, maybe even just elope - I could not cope with a big wedding like my sister had anyway.

My sister and her husband got married after 10 years together and after 2 kids, they have been married 9 years now, but that is mainly because my sister wanted a big (expensive) wedding and honeymoon.

So I just want something official not a vague answer I guess. The most important thing is I want him to want to marry me not just cos I'm nagging him to and definately not just because we have a daughter - I know plenty of married couples who have divorced even after having children or even worse couples that stay together just "for the children's sake".

I think I will just officially propose then on Valentines Day, do I get a ring? A watch? I have no idea...

OP posts:

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 14:00

My husband proposed without a ring and we shopped together for one at the next opportunity.

So what did he say when you said you didn't want a big fancy wedding?

KatelynB · 02/02/2015 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pompodd · 02/02/2015 14:12

"The most important thing is I want him to want to marry me not just cos I'm nagging him to and definately not just because we have a daughter"

I'm afraid you can't solve that. You can't change what he wants.

I'm still really confused - it sounds like you do want some sort of romantic gesture and him proposing to you fulfills that. But you seem completely unconcerned about the legal and practical issues.

If you want the romantic gesture, I just don't think you are going to get it from him. If you're not bothered about the legal/practical issues then I don't see what you proposing to him is achieving? Am I missing something?

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 14:28

What legal and practical issues pompodd?

I have looked at the legal issues regarding living together vs married and nothing there that would affect us - we don't own property, we have very little in assets, I am already listed as next of kin on the NHS and he is listed as next of kin for me as they asked us when we were in a small car accident a few years ago. They said we could list each other as next of kin.

What RegtheMonkey said is sad but there is no way his parents would behave that way to me and their grandaughter - no question!

OP posts:

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 14:28

What legal and practical issues pompodd?

What RegtheMonkey said is sad but there is no way his parents would behave that way to me and their grandaughter - no question!

OP posts:

LaQueenOf2015 · 02/02/2015 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 02/02/2015 14:34

I want him to want to marry me

That's probably impossible. Kind of like saying you want him to suddenly start liking Marmite. Or being able to roll his tongue if he can't.

There is always the possibility that he is against marriage to you.

But there is also the possibility that he is just against marriage per se. In which case, the best you are ever going to get is that he agrees to get married because it means so much to you. Which, if you ask me, would be a bigger sign of his love for you than intrinsically wanting to be married (to someone, to anyone) would be. Same as if you agreed to never get married even though you wanted to, because of your partner's beliefs.

He's not suddenly going to want to do the big romantic proposal and wedding if it's not something he wants for himself.

SomethingBeginningWith · 02/02/2015 14:50

My DP and I have been together nearly 10 years, we have a 2 year old and he proposed last December. It was hard to see couples who had been together less time than us and without children get engaged and married, but it turns out he was always worried about the cost. He said he wanted to be able to afford to get me a decent engagement ring (whereas I would have been happy with a £30 ring I once saw on a market).

In the end, he went credit card happy and we're now planning to get married next year. Perhaps ask your DP if there are any reasons as to why he might not want to get married, or if, like mine, there is something holding him back.

Original poster

zippyone · 02/02/2015 17:00

Yes I think he is worried about the cost or he may just not want to marry me any more. I don't think he is opposed to marriage.

I will just talk to him later when the kids are in bed and we have time to talk properly as the first reply kindly suggested!

OP posts:

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