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Original poster

9 years together and no real proposal which is bugging me now!!

106 replies

zippyone · 02/02/2015 11:26

Hi, we have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter together who's 5 and I have a on from a previous relationship who is 10. I am 35, he is 34.

He did ask me to marry him (on a whim, we were drunk!) after we were together 2 years, then changed his mind within a few weeks!

Since then not much mention except after our daughter was born - he brought it up but no real proposal. Well that was 5 years ago now!

It has not really bothered me until now, now I actually really do want to marry him so have dropped hints Wink but think I may need to spell it out in clear words? Is that too pushy? I want him to really want to marry me though not just because I asked, I don't want to ask! Should I just wait? If so how long?

OP posts:
Chaseface · 02/02/2015 22:30

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Patchworkpatty · 02/02/2015 22:38

I have to ask ? why would any woman in this country plan a baby with a man before they are married. ? Seriously, someone needs to get round to the schools and start shouting from the roof tops. :There is no such thing as common law. if your name isn't on the deeds, then the house is his. if you are a sahm you are even more shafted, you can live with a man for 30 yrs and still not be his next of kin, will not automatically inherit in fact doubtful if you would at all with out a will, and most shocking of all, live with him for 25 yrs then divorce

Armpitt · 03/02/2015 00:12

I don't get the baby without wedding either. If you want a wedding

Viviennemary · 03/02/2015 00:41

I don't get it either. In this day and age with women's rights being the norm why on earth are women not married at this huge disadvantage. I agree there needs to be a campaign. Are you aware that if your partner dies you may not keep your house, you may not inherit his money, you may not have any rights to his pension. And yet so many people don't seem bothered. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper.

LargeofBottom · 03/02/2015 01:25

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Patchworkpatty · 03/02/2015 08:24

A cautionary tale . Two years ago, best mate since uni, relationship broke up. She had lived with knobhead for 26 yrs, they have five children and the sort of life you see in magazines. Large country house, flat in London, skiing twice year,
foreign holiday with family in summer for 2 three weeks. Never married as he didn't 'believe' in it.... (and of course once he had children believed in it even less ) 3 yrs ago it turned out that the flat in town was a convenient shag pad for him and OW . He left and moved in with her. 3.months later they married. My friend gets 25% of residual income for maintenance. He put the deposit on a new rental property for her and kids and gave her 30k (lawyer told her to take it as in law was entitled to nothing. Probably most shocking is that being a sahm for 25 yrs she has only credits towards her staye pension from child benefit (about £34 pw If married she would get half private pension (2750 pm ) and over £187 pw state pension as divorced woman.
Above all, there was little time to grieve. When a marriage breaks down, the period between separation and divorce absolute allows a period of mourning, living with someone does not. you can live with someone for 20 yrs and then marry someone else within a month. My mothers particularly unattractive saying for this situation is : Why would a farmer buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free.
Having gone through all above with bf I feel quite militant and want all woman to realize that if they have children they need to be married (with exception to those with large private income) and if dp is committed enough to want a baby, then he can bloody well afford to give the mother of intended child the correct legal status and not leave them with second class rights !

firesidechat · 03/02/2015 08:29

I have to ask ? why would any woman in this country plan a baby with a man before they are married. ? Seriously, someone needs to get round to the schools and start shouting from the roof tops.

Couldn't agree more. I got married 30 years ago more for romantic reasons than anything practical. Having learnt more about the legal advantages of marriage I have made sure that my adult children know about it too. One is married and now has a child, the other has said that she will also get married first. Women need to know this.

flowery · 03/02/2015 08:42

I think I would have walked away at the point he changed his mind about wanting to marry you two years in. I mean, how romantic. "Darling I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?". Few weeks later: "Oops, sorry, changed my mind, I'm no longer sure enough that I want to spend my life with you, engagement's off. Oh but I still expect to benefit from the house your family sorted for us and I want you to have children with me" Hmm

dogelove · 03/02/2015 08:54

Sorry OP, but with a response like that, you are never marrying this man.

Ten grand is a very oddly specific amount. Why not 8? Or 12? Or 15? Is he actually going to be saving? Has he been saving anything since the last time you two spoke about marriage five years ago? The fact that he pulled out of his tipsy proposal a few weeks later screams volumes.

So I would advise you do this, rather than passively sitting on the fence letting him call all the shots:

Tell him that you want to be married, due to both the social commitment (which is what you seem to be focussing on), but also due to the legal protections. You understand that he wants to save the money for a big wedding, but you aren't happy with some vague promise in the future. So you suggest having a wedding ceremony now, in the registry office, strangers at witnesses, and not telling anyone. Then, whenever he has saved the money, or whenever the planets align, you two can have whatever type of "wedding" he wants, with the dress, then cake, the party, everything.

That way you both get what you want. You get the surety of actually being married now, whilst he gets the kudos of the big wedding whenever he wants it.

If he says no to that, then he is taking you for a complete fool. To which I suggest you tell him that since you aren't married, you see no reason why the dc should take his last name when you are the one who carried then and gave birth to them. Therefore if legally being a family is not a big deal to him, then you are changing the DC's surname to yours.

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/02/2015 09:05

On the plus side, you did quite well to get to around 80 messages before someone brought up the old chestnut "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Grin

I don't think people "need" to get married before they have children, but if you don't, get all the legalities sorted out.

chaseface · 03/02/2015 09:08

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Original poster
zippyone · 03/02/2015 09:13

Solasum He works full time and pays the bills, I do housework and my degree. We share money - we get some tax credits which go in my bank and I do the food shopping with that. He works very hard.

Anyway we talked again last night and I told him really don't want a traditional big wedding and he said neither did he just didn't want a shit wedding at registry office (neither of us are religious so hypocritical going to a church).

So we decided we will get married next year in an olive grove on a small greek island where we had a holiday a couple of years ago. We want to live there oneday...we will invite a few family and friends and if they want to come then pay for themselves - most of our families can afford this especially if given a year notice.

OP posts:
Heels99 · 03/02/2015 09:17

The issue is that he has put 'conditions' on you getting married in that he wants a £10k wedding. But in reality in the past 9 years of your relationship he has saved up £0.00 towards this and the likelihood is that in the next 9 years he won't save anything either. You don't have savings, you rent from family and he is setting up a new business. Where exactly will this £10k materialise from? It won't, but he knows you will buy that better than 'I don't want to marry you'. You say you have been dropping hints for a while but later say you have only thought of getting married yesterday and realised by evening it would not be possible as you are doing a course.
If you are happy never to be married, fine, but you do need to see a solicitor to get legalities all sorted. You say there are no legalities but there must be with children, housing , a business, pensions etc. at least find out.

Heels99 · 03/02/2015 09:18

Just saw recent update re olive grove. Hope he comes good. In meantime still sort legalities.

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/02/2015 09:19

I look forward to hearing that it has happened and seeing the photos, Zippy. Sounds idyllic. Smile

BreakingDad77 · 03/02/2015 09:29

I think an application is in order to "Dont tell the bride". (bluff called)

LargeofBottom · 03/02/2015 09:36

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Original poster
zippyone · 03/02/2015 09:43

Thanks! This small greek island is very special to me as my mum used to take us there on holiday (she died when I was 22- 13 years ago) so I cannot think of anywhere else I would rather get married. He fell in love with the island when we went on holiday too. Smile

I get why people would be cynical but we both want this.

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Nolim · 03/02/2015 09:51
Wine
LaQueenOf2015 · 03/02/2015 10:20

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Original poster
zippyone · 03/02/2015 11:30

LaQueen I never said I was a common law wife?!

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LaQueenOf2015 · 03/02/2015 11:36

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Original poster
zippyone · 03/02/2015 11:47

Ah ok, sorry thought you were referring to me. I know common law marriage does not exist.

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KatelynB · 03/02/2015 11:58

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Original poster
zippyone · 03/02/2015 12:59

Wow, don't women know they don't have to change their name these days, although I will so I have the same name as DD.

I think we are going for around 1st June 2016 as that is half term week and it will be a holiday for them too. Plan is hopefully that we can have an extra week (honeymoon) by ourselves and his parents will take the kids back and to school - they live closer to their school then we do so shouldn't be a problem.

Just working out basic costs and making a budget plan now...eeek...it all adds up! My Nan has already offered me some of my inheritance a few months ago - I said no but I may take her up on that for the wedding - she will be happy for me to use some of it for that.

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