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Original poster

9 years together and no real proposal which is bugging me now!!

106 replies

zippyone · 02/02/2015 11:26

Hi, we have been together for 9 years, we have a daughter together who's 5 and I have a on from a previous relationship who is 10. I am 35, he is 34.

He did ask me to marry him (on a whim, we were drunk!) after we were together 2 years, then changed his mind within a few weeks!

Since then not much mention except after our daughter was born - he brought it up but no real proposal. Well that was 5 years ago now!

It has not really bothered me until now, now I actually really do want to marry him so have dropped hints Wink but think I may need to spell it out in clear words? Is that too pushy? I want him to really want to marry me though not just because I asked, I don't want to ask! Should I just wait? If so how long?

OP posts:
pompodd · 02/02/2015 17:26

zippy - good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Just to come back on the legal and practical considerations (which I never replied to you on), I just meant that the advantage of marrriage is that it confers a whole load of rights (and obligations) on the spouses automatically. As you say, some of those rights you may feel are not relevant to you now. But they might be in the future - say if your housing situation changes or one or both of you come into money or something happens which means you need to be treated as next of kin or you split up and the issue of parental responsibility arises or etc etc etc!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/02/2015 17:30

Yep. Just talk to him.

"DP, whats the situation? Weve a kid, a house, and a happy life together. Are we going to get married or what? Because I would like to, and I dont really see any reason to dawdle over it".

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 19:25

So I just blurted it out when he got in while I was cooking dinner - I am no good at keeping things in once I have an idea in my head especially with him!

So he wants to have more money before we get married, wants his new business to be successful. Even though I said I would be happy to have a very small wedding or just elope with the kids. It is him that wants the big wedding with a honeymoon etc (!). Said he does not want to get married in a regristry office.

Reckons we need about 10 grand for a decent wedding (we both don't believe in credit - we have zero credit and no intention of getting any just for a wedding! - hence no mortgage).

So I am happier now I know exactly where he stands, if he really wants a big wedding then I am ok with it even though not my cup of tea at all.

Thanks for all your replies, very helpful and gave me lots to think about.

OP posts:
flowery · 02/02/2015 19:29

So he's shown no interest previously, but now wants a big wedding? So it's successful business first, then save up £10k, then get married? Cynics would say he's using these things as a way to put you off/shut you up....

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/02/2015 19:38

I agree with Flowery - he won't marry you. Once he has the successful business, there will be another excuse, or he will want it to be more successful. Or he will have decided that the wedding he wants now costs £20K. He's shut you up for now, and by his reckoning has probably bought himself another five years.

Why is it so important to you?

wigglybeezer · 02/02/2015 19:39

LaQueen, snap! DH had not committed after 10 years so I took up a job opportunity 500 miles away and left him to decide whether he missed me, actually, I think he missed me more than I missed him, it made me hesitate a little when he did propose a few months later. Still married 18 years and 3 Dc later so I think it has worked out well.

Chunderella · 02/02/2015 19:40

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KatelynB · 02/02/2015 19:40

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firesidechat · 02/02/2015 19:41

This is so strange. There was an almost identical story not so long ago. Op wanted to get married, they had child/children, lived together, husband wanted to get married in theory, but wanted to save for a big wedding. thus putting off the wedding day indefinitely.

There are more men out there who want a big posh do than I would ever have thought.

Chunderella · 02/02/2015 19:42

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Chunderella · 02/02/2015 19:43

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/02/2015 19:44

Sit him back down tonight and arrange a savings plan. The day after DH proposed, we sat and worked out incomings and outgoings and set an amount each month to save - we counted up the months until we would have our expected budget (4k all in) and we set the wedding for a suitable day around that month.

Get the ball rolling.

Tisiphone · 02/02/2015 19:45

I fear I don't believe in a man who doesnt 'believe in credit' wanting to save up for a big wedding when his partner has made it plain she would be happy with a registry office with the children. It smacks of putting off the evil day and hoping you'll forget about it, while looking as if he's agreeing.

Again, why are you behaving as though his wishes are more important than yours? If you don't want to wait for however many years in order to save up £10k, and your idea of hell is a big wedding, why does his wish take priority?

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 20:02

Wow, lots of replies saying he is stalling me/ doesn't really want to!

Maybe you are right and if it was someone else I would probably say the same to them!

You are right Tisiphone I tend to put others wants before my own and we could do "my" idea of a wedding for much less than £10k probably less than £2k which is more realistic to save.

I realised I don't have time to plan a wedding this year anyway as I need to concentrate and focus only on my final year of Uni - dissertation etc. !

OP posts:
Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 20:04

yes Chunderella I made his website for him as he is useless with that kind of stuff!

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 02/02/2015 20:07

Is he setting up a business with no credit or borrowings? That must be very difficult for cash flow reasons.

Also a mortgage is very different to having a credit card. A mortgage is on an asset. The interest rate is far lower than a credit card and to be honest you are better paying for a mortgage than having the money in the bank getting 0.01% interest. At the end of a mortgage you have an asset. Usually a credit card has no asset.

Chunderella · 02/02/2015 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 20:17

Yeah, itwillgetbetter it is hard and we have been very skint lately but lucky that my aunties brought this house for us and we pay slightly less then market rate and they are ok if we are a bit late with rent.

Yes I see what you mean Chunderella, I don't do anything else - just made the website and I don't see that changing.

He said he was worried if we announced a wedding that his parents would feel they should contribute - which they can't afford to do at the moment - he wants to pay for it himself.

OP posts:
Heels99 · 02/02/2015 21:04

Yeah right. He will save 10k at same time as starting a new business and you have suddenly realised met are too busy to get married.
This wedding will not be takin place in the next 5 years I will wager, if ever

Original poster
zippyone · 02/02/2015 21:53

To be fair heels I have only been thinking seriously about this for a very short time and yes literally just realised that to plan even a very simple wedding requires lots of time - time that I just do not have until October when my degree will be over, I am starting my final project course next week!

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 02/02/2015 22:06

He doesn't want to marry you.

If he did he'd say 'let's get engaged and make a plan to save for the wedding.'

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 22:09

Well that's not strictly speaking true. We arranged a wedding from start to finish in 3 months on a shoestring. I've seen other couples on here do it equally quickly and fuss free. It's amazing what can be done if you really want to be married.

Solasum · 02/02/2015 22:10

Sorry to be a cynic, but he seems to be holding all the cards here. Your family sorted a house, does he pay a fair share of it? Do you have joint finances? Do you share childcare time and expenses? Do you both take time off if the DC are ill? If not, why not?

firesidechat · 02/02/2015 22:11

The last thread like this one followed a similar pattern, with the op shelving her desire to get married for a "one day in the future" promise.

DarkNavyBlue · 02/02/2015 22:12

I arranged my wedding in 12 weeks. It cost 5K including rings (my engagement ring being the biggest expense) and honeymoon.