Husband Caught in Au Pair's Room

[random1]

Hi all. This is my first posting. I'm worried and not sure what to think. My husband and I have been together for 19 years. We almost broke up 5 years ago after our marriage got so bad that we both turned to other people outside our marriage, something we both regret but also something that made us communicate better and appreciate each other more. It's still tough at times but our relationship overall is so much better than ever before. (Other than a bit more arguing, but mainly over the past snd jealousy ). We have 4 children and have had 5 au pairs over the past 4 years. And I've trusted him with them every time. But yesterday, I was shattered after work. We have a fantastic sex life and feel very lucky. I have never said no to him. But yesterday, I just wanted to sleep, so turned him down. I didn't mention he drinks a lot of wine. And he fid this whilst I was sleeping. I woke when he left our bedroom and caught him rummaging in our au pair's bag snd hoing through her dirty laundry basket and having a really big sniff of her knickers. I confronted him and he denied it at first even though he knew I had seen him. Now he keeps apologising but says I don't make him happy sexually anymore. Yet says he doesn't fancy the au pair and he doesn't kjow why he did it. I thought we were happy. I feel numb. The au pair doesn't know as far as I know. I can't look her in the face. She is fantastic with the children. But I don't know if this is the start of more problems. I have told him no more wine in the house ever. But, I don't have the energy to fight for our marriage anymore.

Nono Random!
In fact, just the other day, the nice lady from Mori was round asking DH and DS their thoughts on knicker sniffing...
Honest Guv

Your poor au pair. What a violation. I am assuming she is young. You have a duty of care for her. I find your dh's behaviour really upsetting. Just to compound the awfulness he then manages to accept no responsibility and blames you, like you would want him to do that?

Your husband is a disgusting pervert.

What can you do to protect the rest of the household?

I'd missed that remarkable statistic about the knicker sniffing. I might do a survey.

I know you're all right. I feel so trapped and alone. We are temporary residents abroad. I have no family around. My children are all settled in this country and don't want to leave. My eldest 2 will not graduate if we moved countries again, due to the different types of schooling. Our business here is failing and we are in rented (so can't put any locks on any doors). We cannot afford to live in this country together for much longer, let alone separately. I love this place and want my children to be happy. I really don't want to drag them back to the other side of the world and for them to be miserable. We moved to this country because one of our children was sexually abused by a family member. We, as a family have had a lot to deal with. So please understand, I need to do what's best for my children. But I don't know ehst that is.

Well, it's an interesting first post I agree Mintyy but isn't truth often stranger than fiction

I have no concerns regarding him and my children AlistairSim. Au pair is in her mid 30's btw

Your au pair is part of your household, op.

you have a duty of care to your Au pair. Explain it how you like sleep walking etc but she gets a lock

How long before the children graduate?

Knicker sniffing I suppose is a bit odd. But it's more a fetish I'd say than having an affair. I don't think 50% of men sniff knickers. I'd have thought more men had affairs than indulged in this weird behaviour.

I know i have a duty of care to her too. Am not allowed to even put a nail up on the wall so cannot put a lock on her door. That's why she needs to know asap and I need to arrange to move. Probably into my car as our lease is up in 2 months anyway. Some advice as to how to deal with this would be nice rather than just telling me I'm married to a pervert. I thought that's what this site was for. I am sorry that you have all had a laugh at my expense. That's for making me feel like even more shit!!!

I would tell him to leave. How could you stay with him after this.

FFS, OP, there's no need to throw a strop. No-one is laughing you, where on earth did you get that idea from. We told you that you husband's behaviour is unacceptable and suggested your marriage is over. It was sensible advice. At that point you had not disclosed the further information about your location and financial situation. Now that you have disclosed it, I'm sure you will receive further good advice.

You are in an awful situation, and we're trying to help. Please direct your anger at your husband, where it belongs, rather than the sympathetic women on here who are only trying to help.

the fifty per cent is my rough guess and i could be wrong. however i know a lot of builders over the years. i would say fifty per cent of them admitted to rummaging for knickers while working on a house. ladies u have been warned!

well you have to suck the deposit up or give her a door jam if the door opens in . If you are going to tell her then she can move in with the kids if she doesnt want to leave.
www.ebay.com/bhp/door-jammer

op, could u get him to move out until the lease is up? as for telling au pair, he may get arrested or have her angry family on the doorstep. he deserves it but u and ur kids dont.

Sorry you're struggling.

You say you're temporary residents abroad - what was your plan long term? Would you have had to leave anyway or make your residence permanent?
If your eldest 2 won't graduate if you move countries again, I'm assuming you already had a plan to stay?!

But if your business is failing and you cannot afford to live in the country together or separately how where you (pre this discovery) going to cope - what was your plan / thinking eg were you looking for work?

Do you really need an au pair if financially you're thinking of moving into your car?

If you had contingency plans for the above I would put those in place now, and park this new issue until you'd secured yours and your children's immediate future.

Short term
Where he sleeps is not your immediate problem but If you can not protect this woman's privacy, then him staying is.

Medium term
You may not want to haul yourself back to the other side of the world but your precarious financial and housing situation leave you very little choice.

I used to work in a charity shop and the number of blokes that would come in and sniff the armpits, crotches of clothes for sale amass staggering , I'd say the 50% estimate is too low based on what I've seen. And those are just the ones we caught.

friendlyapple eater, only 50 per cent admitted to it. im with u, its probably more.

But why would they do that AppleEater? Presumably the clothes are laundered before sale, so they couldn't be doing it to smell for bodily fluids.

MyRightFoot your statistical reasoning is flawed. I think that the best you could claim is that 50% of men who are builders, have access to strangers' laundry baskets and who are known to MyRightFoot, sniff women's knickers.