My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

Let's not forget that good people sometimes do bad things though. You have only one persons perception of the whole thing. Maybe, just maybe the OP acts rather condescending towards her sister?

I hope the £25 that the sister got was worth it.

How tragic to humiliate your sister for so little.

Ok so she clearly suffered as a child, what with the scapegoat/golden child thing, but ffs you just don't do such a spiteful thing.

You have said a couple of times you are worried that she could harm herself ...

Be careful that you are not being manipulated with this.

I personally couldn't get past this with one of my sisters.

And they do edit those letters. Journalism innit.

I'm not cutting her out, she's my sister. Loyalty is a big deal to me.

im going to talk to her about counseling although she is resistant to all talking therapies, she's just a refusenik.

I can't do much else.

I'm not condescending. Or smug. I lean on her a lot too, wrt other family issues.

Well being loyal is something you want to be, but loyalty isn't something you expect from others.

Which is entirely up to you, but be aware of how onesided "loyalty" tends to work.

You both have different perspectives OP. I was just saying how you "may" come across to her.

For instance....

There were three of us (older sister was from a different father) My mother and father had me and my little sister.

This is what happened when dad died.

Older sister - doesnt cope with stuff well and wasnt there but subsequently said he was a lovely man.

Me - adored my father and I was seen as his "blue" eyes so was grief striken.

Little sister - was there but said some terrible things about him and I just couldn't talk to her about my grief.

Little sister went with my mother after the split and I stayed with my father.

Family dynamics are very powerful.

If its the one mentioning a nephew then i found that on one Google search in two seconds flat. She actually sounds selfish and unbalanced based on her own account.

Oh yes, Tinks, my sister and I say we had totally different childhoods...we have a different perspective on so much....even on our parents divorce when we were in our thirties.

I look at my children and Wonder how best to prevent these things happening....you can threat kids the same but if one is more predispositioned to optimism or is less sensitive, then it can never be equal. And if you tailor your treatment of each child to their nature, that would also be seen as unfair. My eldest child is quiet, thoughtful, sensitive and highly intelligent. My second is robust boisterous and generally very very good natured..they are utter opposites.

Sorry about your dad.

I think my parents went wrong in not instilling loyalty. Instead, there was competition, in fighting and arguments and feuds in abundance.....

I tell my kids frequently that loyalty is everything and to treat each other well. So....I have to practice what I preach really......I'll keep in contact with her but I'm not rushing to her aid every two minutes in future.

If my kids did that to each other I'd be devastated.

You talk about the differences in each, all acceptable, just different. Bring it out in the open.

that's a can of worms, mind. Just as long as you phrase each character4istic in a positive way.

What you had was a mother who destroyed her - the fruits of her life are testament to that. As I said, I'm both golden child/scapegoat and I know which one I'd rather have. Both are shit though.

You sound lovely OP.

Im sure you can see where this is coming from and of course you love your sister. Some people are stuck and can't move on. I think your sister is rather stuck. This is where forgiveness and acceptance comes in. We cannot change things but we can learn to live with them in order not to cut people out of life, which would be worse.

You have insight which is a wonderful thing, some people never do.

If you turn it round, she was rather angry with herself really and not you.

Both golden child /scapegoat? How did that change? I was fine until married. My mother has never forgiven me. She even regaled my husband with a list of faults when we visited her on way back from honey moon, all jokey of course! I was seething.
We've often agreed that She is toxic, I actually think she is narcissistic in the true clinical sense, she even prefers the grandchild who looks just like her. Ridiculous.

A narc won't change ever. I believe that things were knitted at a key point in development that are irreversible. This is where you have to not take things personally (hard as it is) and a sense of humour comes to the fore rather than anger.

Im not going to write a book about my family dynamics on your thread but these things are definitely sent to "try us"

I wasn't sailing around with two adoring parents: I was my dads scapegoat because I was my mums fave, but it's far more damming to have a mother who doesn't like you. My dad was safe,y out of the house the whole week, so no biggie. I used to imagine if he has been the one at home....ewwwww.

Im with you on that one OP. My mother wasnt too impressed with me either.

I'd be mightily pissed off if I was dealing with someone like this and they refused to get appropriate support, though. She approached 'support' crablike, by sending that wretched letter. HOnestly! therapy is full of shit like this, it doesn't necessarily make logical sense at all, it's the feelings that are absolutely legit. You'd never want the people you're dealing with in therapy to know what you're actually saying about them. Well, mostly you wouldn't want them to know... That's what therapy is for, to peel back the putrid layers and give it all a bit of an air and the chance to heal.

That said, I quite understand her being wary of therapists . But, anyway, if she was serious about getting well she'd bite the bullet and do it, whethering crap therapists along the way, all part of coming to terms.

Well, I know, and she can afford to go to therapy, because my dad has given her a lot of money (tens of thousands) but still refuses.....she's rather buy a new car.

And refuses to take drugs, which I understand, but she's been in varying states of depression all her life and we know its hormonal but she won't do anything about it. But th that's the problem isn't it, if you're super depressed, you're really unmotivated and cba anyway

it's a bit more than 'ewww' tbh

You never know, this may be the volcano that blows the whole thing out of the water. About time! Sounds like you've been a-top the seething mess for a long time.

The scapegoat, btw, is always the one who forces a crisis. Tis why they, we, are hated. We don't do it on purpose, we're like the pressure valve and blow well before everybody else. The rest are all sound asleep, in the grip of the spell. And want it to stay like that. Except the scapegoat because it's the scapegoat who has all the family shit piled on their head .

Who's the 'we' in 'we know it's all hormonal'?

Id be frustrated rather than pissed off. Some situations never get resolved, or get to an outcome that is acceptable to us. This is where loving your sister for who she is (warts and all) comes to the fore. She maybe bi-polar given the instances you have now explained. If someone doesnt accept help it really is up to them.

We- me and her; her gp etc

OP you cannot solve your sisters problems. Let her do it, if and when she wants.