My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

I do love her; I love her enormously which is why I feel let down. I don't actually think she'll make it to old age, she attempted suicide about five times through her life. But I can't make her get help.,,,she never follows up treatment plans.

Like you said, you have the better life. So give grace here, she hasnt fared that well. You dont need to become embroiled in drama, just find a place where you can both enjoy each others company if and when.

Why do "you" feel let down? Give her grace.

I don't care about the letter nearly as much as the underlying issues, it's put her in a really bad place because now she feels shitty and guilty as well as everything else.

I'm allowed to feel let down because despite being really close she never spoke to me, just raised it all in print. Of course I feel let down. For obvious reasons I didn't go crazy at her. And i can't. She worries me so much.

Underlying issues may never ever be resolved if the other party doesnt want to. You can only bring a horse to water, you cant make them drink it.

Forgive the article. Give her a big cuddle and move on.

She should feel shitty and guilty. She did a horrible thing. On purpose. To hurt and embarrass you.

You don't need to feel bad about that.

This was all her choice.

She did this to you.

You did nothing to her that justifies that choice.

Of course you are allowed to feel let down when somebody betrays you.

You are right to stop trying to help her all the time. It's clearly not working and now she's lashing out at you.

The OP doesnt want to cut her out of her life, she loves her.

We know all this, we know she did something shitty etc.

The OP will never stop trying to help her sister.

The one with "insight" is usually the forgiver, that is not a bad thing.

I thought this thread had moved on from sticking the boot in re the sister.

Op you're right to let it go and move on.

Exactly Marsha

Actually, Fergus said herself that she was going to pull back on the constant help thing.

Just because there have been a string of posts by people who think acting like a cunt is acceptable if your mummy was mean to you when you were ickle doesn't mean people who think the OP's happiness matters have to stop posting.

oh this is so sad.

At least for your benefit, then, read up about scapegoat/golden child/narc mother etc. You may not be in enough pain to do that, though. It sounds like she may be in too much pain to do it.

Did someone suggest bipolar upthread? She may or may not be bipolar but, frankly, a good solid MH dx sits well with the toxic family script: all filed away nicely, she's mad.

If it's hormonal has she heard if PMDD and professor John Studd?

Alternatively is she aware she can have injections to inhibit her hormonal cycle?

It's very interesting what Springy is saying about the scapegoat being mad, crazy etc.

I still can't get my head around the fact that you won't believe what she put in the letter was her truth on the matter as she saw it.

She might be back tracking now through fear or whatever but surely at that time she believed what she was writing?

Those of you who think you've found the letter, I don't think you have - it's not the one about the nephew (which I remembered from the time it was published).

Op - it sounds very sad & difficult. I think in your shoes I would point out to your sister that you feel very hurt by her actionx but you still love her. Maybe you should both think sbout getting counselling to help with your parent's legacy. It sounds as if she needs it more than you as she barely seems to be holding her life together, but if you tell her you're going ypurself as well I guess it doesn't label her the crazy one. Just shows a desire to put your childhoods behind you.

Saintly how do you know it isn't that one?

I come from the "middle" child thing here Springy too. Also from my dad idolising me and my mother disliking me. I hopefully understand both sisters to a certain extent. It is sad, very sad. OP loves her sister and it sounds like her sister does the same, its just a rather skewed.

Acceptance of each other and their experience would be the way to go?

Because it doesn't fit the story. OP has said her sister sees her son, sisters husband sounds very much alive etc etc. It's a completely different story.

I'm not trying to identify the letter btw OP, but a number of people have referred to that one throughout the thread & may be giving answers based on the wrong article.

I don't care about the letter nearly as much as the underlying issues, it's put her in a really bad place because now she feels shitty and guilty as well as everything else.

Give her a way to make it up to you so she can move past the guilt.

I suggest presenting two options:

1. Go to 6 sessions of family counselling with you, or
2. Write another letter to the Guardian putting things right. (I doubt they'll print it but it might make you both feel better).

the OP said some time ago that the letter wasn't that one

can't remember how exactly, but she did

wasn't it that it wasn't specifically about their relationship?

It's properly weird that the Guardian prints letters like that. If I understand it correctly, no help is offered to the writer, it's just so the readers can be voyeurs and the subject of the letter is embarrassed? Things would be better if the writers wrote the cathartic letters and then set fire to them.

I don't read newspapers but thought the Guardian was above that sort of bullshit. I thought it contained, you know, news?

Muddha

If the letter wasn't specifically about their relationship, why is op so cross and why does the thread title say "my sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian"?

"I was my dads scapegoat because I was my mums fave"

that is so messed up!

oh I dunno Mintyy

that's what she said, iirc, or words to that effect

why don't you go and have a look through her posts

The letters are featured in a problem page in a particular section (trying not to out OP). There is always a very detailed and informed reply eg the journo takes advice from named professionals.

However, the letters are heavily edited. It's a newspaper all the same and they will condense certain aspects, picking out the central themes and making them clear/er.

I hope you can find a way around this, both. I can only imagine what it must be like to have actually been able to forge a functioning relationship (of sorts) in the midst of intense dysfunction because I haven't been able to manage it with my siblings. I genuinely don't know if we're too fucked up or not fucked up enough! What I do know is I won't facilitate the scapegoat role assigned to me - and that has set the proverbial cat among the pigeons. There is NO WAY they're going to give it up so I have to make a choice.