My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

You will just have to see things through your sister's eyes. There is obviously a lot of grief your sister holds due to your upbringing. Feeling unwanted or second best or simply a bit of a distraction to your mother can really screw-up your adult life.

It erodes your confidence and self-esteem and you make dodgy decisions because you never feel good enough to have happiness and success other people seem to have

And that's even before the terrible effect of your mother adoring you and not her. That is outrageous, from your mother.

Obviously not your doing. But bloody hell, no wonder there's a moment where she lets it out.

You could get them to take down the letter, at the very least.

You might even get an apology.

If you went legal on it (depending on the content of the letter) you might get a lot more.

Newspapers are not allowed to print accusations against people without giving them any right to reply.

The fact that you were identified by multiple people means they failed to make it anonymous.

It's up to you if you can't be bothered, but if this letter is about you, if it presents you in an unfavourable light, if it makes accusations against you that are untrue, and if you are identifiable, they will be extremely nervous if you make a complaint.

"We have a severely dysfunctional family and I always thought we were utterly solid".

No. Your family of origin is still deeply dysfunctional I am sorry to say. That and the sentence where you wrote that your mother adored you but not her are all too telling.

What your sister did was not right at all but you've shouted at her then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. Her depressive state is still no reason for her to put the boot into you. You were also a child here, you were not and were never responsible for your mother's actions and choices.

Did your friend who e-mailed you this actually think about the consequences to you of doing so?.

You are emotionally much more mature than her. The best way forward is to have empathy for her. Yes it's very hard when you have a victim in your life who is now dragging you down, but ultimately you are much more sorted than her. Getting angry is so pointless. Just think of her like a little hurt animal who is lashing out. Its wrong that you have to be on the end of it. Try to rise above it. Xxx

Look at it this way, if people recognise you from it, then it must all be stuff they knew anyway. If they already knew she felt that way then they will have already got a view / passed judgement one way it another. It's not new to them.

No, I meant I always thought me and her were utterly solid. Shes my sons godmother, we have her around for sunday roasts etc all the time, I defend her to other people all the time, I listen to her, and were friends, so we go out drinking and carousing together time to time. Shes a big part of e life and the only member of my family who I'm genuinely fond of.

I would ask the Guardian for a right of reply, and take it.

Yes, that's a good point, I'll tell them to take it down.

"My dad recently gave her a huge amount of money, can't see that positively either".

Why did he do that, in her head she may well feel that she can be bought.

How do you feel about both your parents these days?.

Op I feel for you. I have a similar relationship with my sister - except that I have never felt comfortable with her but faked being "close" for years because she was very needy and I felt guilty about her. But I finally couldn't stand it and decided to stop treading on eggshells around her. Which didn't go well.

I find her really difficult, controlling and stressful, and have often moaned about her to dp etc. But otoh I can see that being her is also tough and she has plenty to complain about in regard to me. From her pov, everything has fallen into my lap, I have a perfect life and my mum preferred me (which is its own poisoned chalice tbh - massively dysfunctional family and my mum is also very difficult) My sister can't see that I've worked bloody hard to get where I am, that having dc isn't always a bed of roses and that I don't have time to prioritise her neediness. She is miserable and it's easy to just resent me.

What's happened is humiliating but just accept that's how she feels - it's not your responsibility. She has her own issues and sees your life from a very different place from you. Also, doing this shows quite clearly that she isn't that bothered about your feelings. I'd use that to try to help yourself feel less guilty. You don't actually owe someone anything just because they are your blood relative. You are entitled to take a little step back.

Did your friend who e-mailed you this actually think about the consequences to you of doing so?.

Yes, she probably thought "someone has defamed my friend in a national newspaper, she should probably know about it so she can take appropriate steps."

I can't believe people think this level of appalling behaviour to a loving sister comes under "rise above it".

This was a vile, harmful, spiteful and nasty thing to do.

It is not excused by not being the favoured child.

If the letter had been about her mother, maybe.

But to do this to your sister? Jesus.

You were not really solid as sisters because you are still in the roles that your parents, particularly your mother, assigned to you - golden child and scapegoat.

You could request the Gruaniad to take down this letter. It may be that this is now a turning point for you and your sister's relationship to go forward but both of you have to equally want that.

Reach out to her. She can still be everything she is to you now but you have to move forward with the understanding that she is still a wounded, grief stricken individual because of your childhood.

Let her know you are upset with what she did but you will both move forward. Knowing why she feels angry is a good place to start and you could build something even stronger for yourselves

But bathtime, what can op actually do? Carry anger around with her? Have a go at sister? Drop contact? Does that actually do the op any good?

Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. Gandhi.

You are both the product of a dysfunctional family set up.

Knowing this can help you move past it and work out a better way to be around each other.

Or you could take a big step back from someone so utterly poisonous that she would betray you in such a public and humiliating way.

You can't trust her.

You were wrong about how solid you were.

Well, I'm not really the golden child any more, my mum has never forgiven me for getting married (yes, really) and behaved as though I'd betrayed her. My dad never liked me because he knew my mum only loved me.

(Lady jones, as you seem to BE me, was this the case for you too?)

That's not easy. So I have my own shit to deal with, along with a chronic health condition etc. I'm just much more robust and tend to recover from life's trials much more quickly.

My sympathies OP! At the point you're at, the "today's news, tomorrow's chip wrapping" line is not helpful.

I have experienced something similar The Guardian's journalistic ethics are not particularly high - I talked to one of their journos and she published a (cherry picked and selectively edited to make me look bad) version with my full name, without having the decency to inform me that she was using it in the paper beforehand (it was one of those "tell us what you think about X women's lives" articles - since I expressed a moderately feminist viewpoint, you can imagine how badly I got savaged BTL). I got through it with the help of the "chip paper" mantra, but it was hard - I had a week at least of waking up with palpitations. It's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been there how hard it hits you. And (okay, my naivety) I had no idea that other people had been included using a nickname or just their first name - I gave the journo my full name thinking she'd want to contact me if she decided my contribution was worth following up - I had no idea she'd actually use my full name in the article.

I think in your case, since friends have been able to identify you just from reading the article, you have every right to ask for it to be taken down from their website (might be worth looking into the "right to be forgotten" legislation). Fortunately, in my case, although I have a very unusual name and am therefore highly google-able, I'm also very active professionally under that name, so it's long since dropped way down the page listings on google. But I still remember how much it hurt at the time.

I'm sorry, it's crap she's done it

Why did OPs friend convey such information to OP in an e-mail?. I presume this person thought that they were being helpful but why months later when presumably these other people who recognised the OP have forgotten about this anyway.

I realise that e-mail is one of the fastest and convenient ways of communication these days but sending it was really not the correct thing to do. Its powerful information that should have been handled really more sensitively and given far sooner.

I could drop my sister but she would be at serious risk of harming herself. And my son would be devastated. I Love him more than I dislike anybody so I'm not taking away is favorite relative.

Op can forgive her sister by seeing where this behaviour has come from - when she's ready.

But forgiving doesn't have to mean aggreeing to take any amount of crap from someone or let them use you as an emotional punchbag/prop.

There's nothing wrong with saying how hurt you are. In fact there's probably a misconception you have it very easy when some things are not.

You can go either way, walk away, but really it sounds as if there's enough of a connection to make it work.

You don't need to be the outlet though.

I can well believe your mother never forgave you for getting married.

Both of you are going to have to work now at this relationship between you a lot further. There has been much misinformation and pain on both sides here and it needs talking about. Your parents are the root cause of this familial dysfunction after all.

You are still not responsible for your sister's choices or actions just as you were never responsible for your parents poor choices either.