My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

The point of my post...

god almighty ladyjingly

Your sister was quite within her rights to write to the guardian. It's a shame that you think she should have approached you directly to discuss these things. I imagine they have been present for years and she just wanted to get on paper how she felt, to see it.

If you are the amazing sister you claim to be then you ought to show her some empathy.

It's alright for you though isn't it? Your mother loved you. Your mother, is, as far as I'm concerned a disgrace to motherhood.

Quitelikely it's not exactly a walk in the park being the golden child! My situation is fairly similar to the OP's, me golden child, sister the scapegoat, me married with children her wanting it but never finding a man who did. In my case my narc mother pretty much ran my life until a year ago when I cut her out. I have no friends, no job, no life outside being a SAHM and DH because she isolated me from everyone, made sure my self esteem was in the toilet and that I was to scared to do anything without her being present or her permission.

My relationship with my sister is pretty much non existent. I know she resents me and my life, and certainly doesn't understand the extent of our mother's interference as although she was criticised she was free from interference and moved 100's of miles away whilst I was guilt tripped into never moving more than 2 miles from the mothership.

If my sister had written a letter about me to a national newspaper that made me identifable and wasn't even true I'd be pretty devastated and hurt too. I would certainly consider removing her from my life completely.

I think it's very easy to dismiss a golden child, but without understanding the dynamics of every dysfunctional family you can't just dismiss someone's experiences because they don't tally in to what YOU think it should be.

Bathtimefunkster - you really are talking utter rubbish you know.

If anyone could be sued for libel for writing unpleasant things about another person in the public domain then 99% of Mumsnetters could be sued for starters.

You simply don't have a proper understanding of the law.

I dont get it.

Well I get that she wrote an article about you a year ago.

You didn't know about it till now, so it couldn't have changed much in your life due you not knowing until she told you about it.

You've said you forgive her, so Im not sure why you're writing about it on here?

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Why not show her this thread and you will both be even then?

I've read the letter. I have no idea how anyone could be convinced it was about one particular person from what was written. There are 70 million people in the UK alone, how many of them are sisters with a tricky relationship?

It just not possible to identify anyone for certain from those letters.

Your sister must have told the mutual friend op? Or have you explained how your friend knew it was about you and why did she then email it to you?

I wrote one of those letters to The Guardian once. It was published more or less word for word and only edited for length.

It sounds like you could both benefit from counselling, either together or individually.

Also re her depression - there's a health condition which may be contributing to her mood swings. If recommend that speaks to her gp.
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Premenstrual-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Also vitamin b12 helps improve mood. www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Premenstrual-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I don't think you'll ever truly move on, and heal from whats happened in childhood with out speaking to some one about it. What happens in childhood influences you as an adult unfortunately. You've managed well, your sister unfortunately is still struggling. The letter although not a great idea to get published, wasn't such a bad idea if she'd not sent it to the paper for everyone to read.

Writting things down helps clear the mind.

You sound a lovely sister btw, I wouldn't be so tolerant. I don't have time for people like that, and have cut most of my dysfunctional family out of my life.

If anyone could be sued for libel for writing unpleasant things about another person in the public domain then 99% of Mumsnetters could be sued for starters.

Mumsnet could potentially be sued if a thread was started on their forum, and someone was identifiable and being defamed by the thread.

I'm surprised that's not obvious to someone who has been around here as long as you have from some of the moderation decisions we see here all the time.

Of course, the legal situation is different for an online forum than it is for a newspaper that has editorial control over the material they are publishing.

This wasn't a below the line comment, this was their article.

Just like to add that i recently had a letter published in the Guardian in the Private Lives section. They contacted me before hand to let me know it would be published and to double check i was ok with all the details i had given. They published my whole letter word for word. I really don't think they are allowed to edit / change the content without the approval of the original letter writer. Your sister may just be saying that to minimise the damage.

Talking about libel isn't helping the op - she's asked for help regarding her relationship with her sister, not how to start court proceedings. It's not really helpful to op

She said

"What do I do now?"

Which presumably includes what she might do about the offending article.

FergusSingsTheBlues - I'm assuming that you're looking for advice/support on how to deal with the situation and your relationship, and not about how to raise a libel case against the paper?

People who do horrible nasty things usually are very sorry. But only once they're caught, when it is meaningless

I think Ive shown her loads of understanding, now and previously. I'm not claiming to be a saint but anybody who has read my posts will see that I have not been nasty to her about it, and have not been sitting here slagging her off. I've been pretty measured tbh.

And libel? Forget it, I don't care about that stuff. I just want to things back to normal.

Mintyy... How are you so sure you've read the letter?! I've not actually given enough information to pinpoint it, but if you've spent hours trying to find it....well, I'm honored ... I suppose.

And the letter's not actually about our relationship ... As I keep saying.

Counselling and talking to her is probably the best way forward hun, that way she can vent at the counseller, and learn other ways to deal with her feelings x

Counselling for the sister, maybe, not the OP. The OP needs to distance herself from her toxic sister. It is not OP who has had an emotionally incontinent rant published & then called the waambulance when she got caught.

OP, I think your response to your sister has been saintly, but do take a care to protect yourself & your family from her sly ways.

Things can't go back to "normal" now.

Now you know things about how how she feels about you and how she is prepared to punish you for those feelings that you can't unknow.

As a PP mentioned earlier, you now know that she is unstable and not above doing things to damage people she loves.

That means you need to be circumspect about her relationship with a child.

Particularly when her bitterness towards you makes him a potential target of her spite.

The point about the potential libel is that it can help you persuade the guardian to take down the letter.

They might not be prepared to do it just because she asks. (Not that she has asked.)

you could always write one back detailing your side of events?

As you probably will guess I'm going against the last two posters and saying give your sister a chance. She's dealing with some hefty stuff. She's remorseful and things may turn around.

Surely it can't be the one some people think it is. In that one, the sister has been recently bereaved. The OP on this thread said her sister was not in a happy marriage.

COuld you just confirm that that wasn't the case, OP? Surely you wouldn't have used those words in that situation? I know you don't want to get into a guessing game (and I will stop there), but I think people are making lots of comments based on the assumption that it's that one (from June this year).

I also think you should give her a chance.

But give her that chance based on the new information you have about what she is capable of.

You don't need to cut her out, but you do need to put some distance between you so that you stop feeling obliged to make her feel better when she has done something deliberately intended to harm you in a very public way.

Her current caterwauling isn't true remorse.

She is sorry for herself and that she got caught.

Give her space to figure out for herself why writing a poison pen letter intended to embarrass a sister who loves you is a shitty thing to do and that good people don't make choices like that.

Give her a chance to learn from this appalling act of spite and become a better person.

Bathtimefunkster, you seem to be trying to encourage the OP to drive a further wedge between herself and her sister, which isn't what she wants.

The whole thread is a laugh anyway as Mumsnet is FAR more widely read than the effing Family section of the Guardian.

Yes, I think a wedge between Fergus and her untrustworthy and spiteful sister would be a good thing.

Possibly for both of them. Certainly for the OP.

hold up a minute.

She's not necessarily toxic, though if she meant to hurt you that was, yes, a toxic thing to do. You come from a toxic family.

You say you 'bounce back' more quickly from life's vicissitudes - well, you would. She was brought up in the siberian wastlelands while you were all warm and toasty. You'll have a LOT of reserves to draw on.

You say she's 'bitten the hand that feeds her, emotionally' - I wonder how she feels about that (genuine q)? ie that you, the princess, are always there to mop her - the broken, hopeless one - up. I'm not saying you're not lovely to do that, but I doubt she particularly enjoys that dynamic. Does she have the opportunity to mop you up, too, or are you generally sorted and don't need it?

Talking talks huge sense here, especially the cognitive dissonance (which looks like willful ignoring to me). I am both the family's golden child and the scapegoat, depending who is involved (though overriding scapegoat tbh). I know all about the siberian wastes but also about being jabbed at for being the favourite - not minor jabs but major, longstanding, neverending, pure poison, on and on.

To say 'comparison is the thief of joy' is not factoring in natural, automatic sibling comparisons. It will be torture for her to have you in her life, I imagine. Absolute torture. She who can do no wrong/get nothing wrong/has it all spangling away at her side. I feel for her. No wonder she wanted to pop your bubble. To answer my own 'genuine q' ^^ I think she has made it clear how she feels about it by writing that letter. (not that I've read it OR condone it).

Get real OP. It is not an equal relationship and you are kidding yourself if you think it is. yy it's lovely to get on with ones siblings - I wouldn't know - but how can you not know how your childhoods have impacted on her on the deepest level? You don't know because your life hasn't hurt you enough to do some digging and find out. Hers has.

Her one outlet - one she probably got a big hit from having published and receiving support - is now brought to ashes, she is pilloried for being disgusting. I agree it was a horrid thing to do and would have been better bashed out in private with a therapist because, hey, relationships are complex. She actually has been a victim btw and that takes a great deal to come back from. If one ever does tbf.

You've managed to have a fairly functioning relationship so far and, I have to say, hats off to her in large part for that. I hope you can see that.