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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

338 replies

FergusSingsTheBlues · 25/01/2015 08:10

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 12:01

But in fairness, if the letter was published a year ago,and you've only found out about it by someone having to point it out to you, if your sister was wanting to hurt you, it has sort of failed becvause you were oblivious to it for so long,so it hasn't had the impact she wanted it to.

You could email back the friend who emailed you, and the one who your sister told but couldn't face telling you, and jus tsay you've read it, it's upsetting but you hope they know you well enough to recognise there are two sides to every story and the letter is definately not an accurate portait of you or your relationship with your sister,and that's the last you'll say obn itbecause it isn't fair to have people focus on your sisters ill thought actions that don't show her in a good light...

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 25/01/2015 12:06

I always read the family section in the graun to wind myself up

That 'a letter to' bit is a disgrace imo. It's a pass ag minefield. They should get rid-at least of all the accusatory, ruined-my-life ones (the nice Lady Who Helped Me On The Bus After My Miscarriage In 1980 ones can stay)

It's usually horrid score settling. Nasty. As this case proves. Surely therapy would be better than getting 25 quid for washing your dirty linen in public/attacking someone who is unable to respond

And while they're at it they can get rid of Tim Lott too

JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 12:08

Yes, get rid of Tim Lott, how much is he being paid to spout utter drivel?

LadyJinglyJones · 25/01/2015 12:09

Agree Tim Lott's bit always comes across like he wrote it in 5 minutes while waiting at a bus stop.

MarshaBrady · 25/01/2015 12:10

The fashion part is a bit lack lustre too.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/01/2015 12:11

It's a total disgrace, Muddha.

And all these gobshites who think people have some kind of right to defame people they feel have slighted them in some way.

Ridiculous.

LadyJinglyJones · 25/01/2015 12:12

While we're slagging the Family section, I hate the way they alway prioritise very personal, often massively irrelevant, and ideally schmaltzy stories while ignoring so many of the massive issues that affect families - like how to deal with divorce, inequality in the home, DV and financial abuse, or social issues like how the bedroom tax affects people.

binspin · 25/01/2015 12:12

It would seem that you both have very different ideas about your roles in your relationship. Would either of you be willing to try family therapy?

MarshaBrady · 25/01/2015 12:14

I have no idea why people read the letters section.

But I do think that The Guardian is up against it when it comes to content these days and is trying to grab a slice of the overly emotionally personal pie. And not doing it very well.

Still all the stuff that happened to bring this letter about is real enough,

diddl · 25/01/2015 12:19

If someone thought that way about me i wouldn't want a relationship with them & would assume that they didn't with me either.

Quitelikely · 25/01/2015 12:22

But OP it's her TRUTH, her perspective on a situation, it's how she felt that day

Why won't you respect and understand that?

Embarrass you? Don't you get it, it wasn't about you, it was about her. She did it for her, not you!

Move over yourself...........

whattheseithakasmean · 25/01/2015 12:25

I would really back out of your sisters life - writing an anonymous letter about you to a national newspaper is passive aggressive, self absorbed BS that I would strive to protect my children from. Your sister can work through her own issues herself, don't get dragged don with her.

JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 12:27

YBut why do it so publicly?

It was about the op, it was to publicly have a go at her

yes, the sister has her her truth, her views, but it was a planned action to do it publicly

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 25/01/2015 12:27

LadyJinglyJones what you said

Original poster
FergusSingsTheBlues · 25/01/2015 12:33

The list is the list SHE gave me, not the other way around. HER perspective, not mine. She has many qualities I'd love to have, but this isn't about me. She admitted she wanted to hurt and embarrass me as well.

You're assuming I'm some sort of asshole whose brought it on myself here.....

Shes hysterically upset, shes really deeply sorry. I've totally forgiven her, I just don know how to move on.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 12:38

Maybe rather than a dramatic cutting off, just cooling your relationship, so you still have contact, but your sister has lost the closeness she had with you, she needs to see and understand her actions, and she has admitted it was to hurt and embarrass you, have repercussions that affect her...

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 25/01/2015 12:40

So she does something awful to you, she ends up hysterically upset and you end up forgiving and comforting her?

Is this dynamic really what you want for the rest of your life?

I know it's a cliche but it is true that if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always got

DreamingOfAHotDrink · 25/01/2015 12:44

Have some individual therapy to get over the dysfunctional family and have some family therapy to obtain a healthy sibling relationship.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/01/2015 12:45

Don't you get it, it wasn't about you

WTF?

Don't you get it?

It was about her!

Not in some silly psychobabble way, but in the actual sense that this fake letter was written to and about the OP.

You don't get to publish "your truth" in the paper if it involves telling actual untruths about another real and recognisable person.

That's both what's morally right and what's the law.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/01/2015 12:50

She's hysterically upset?! Hmm

Really?

About what, exactly?

She has known this deliberately embarrassing and recognisable portrait of you was in the public domain for the last year and was totally fine about it.

But NOW she's suddenly hysterically upset about it? Hmm

She's just sorry you found out.

She wants to eat your roast dinners and enjoy your friendship while publicly stabbing you in the back.

She sounds utterly toxic and your life would be better without this dynamic in it.

Pull back from her. It will probably do her some good too.

EbonyIck · 25/01/2015 13:02

She could've contacted the Guardian herself at any time and requested it be taken down. She didn't do that (she'd've told you if she had).

Sounds like she's upset you've found out, but then again she told your friend at the time, presumably hoping it would get passed on, so maybe she's upset that she comes out of this looking unpleasant and vindictive and you are responding reasonably rather than being the evil selfish jealous angry person she described.

diddl · 25/01/2015 13:09

"She admitted she wanted to hurt and embarrass me as well."

Lovely!

I couldn't move on from that.

Surely you've moved on already by forgiving her?

Have some distance for a while or carry on as normal, albeit that it'll be strained for a while.

But if she continues with the hysteria I'd be telling her to piss off.

She's got your attention though!

Mumtotherescueagain · 25/01/2015 13:15

According to the OP this happened more than a year ago (and don't worry about being identified OP - there's no letter in the section that matches what you now describe ). The sister did not draw the OP's attention to it then. She only knows about it now because somebody has interfered in their lives. It really was not about the OP though she has now doing a sterling job of making it about her. This letter is about your sister. If you don't like how she portrayed you then listen to her and reflect on what led her to do such a thing.

Quitelikely · 25/01/2015 13:22

What I am trying to say is just because you don't recognise yourself in what she has written it does not mean it to be false. Is it the content that hurt you? Was she lying in what she said?

How did she want to embarrass you if she didn't intend for you to find out?

BathtimeFunkster · 25/01/2015 13:25

"Interfering in someone's life" is drawing attention to the fact that somebody slandered them in public?

Grin

This wasn't a private vent, a family issue made public by meddling.

It was deliberately made public by a nasty, spiteful woman with the specific intent to embarrass.

You can't really interfere in someone's attention-seeking dirty lined airing.

It's pretty much everyone's business once you put it in the paper.