My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

its in the 'a letter to my...' section right? I think anone who reads those understands it's merely the authors perspective rather than gospel and there are generally 2 sides to every story. I often read them and think, hmm, and what would your mother/father/ex-wife/son in law etc say?! Plus they usually come off as whiny and self indulgent and what about meeeee?!

I'd be happy to take a read of this one for you and confirm it does the same (nosey).

I agree with the pp, if your friends know her then they'll know what she's like and that it's not an accurate portrayal of you/the situation. And it will all be forgotten vey soon.

My mother adored me growing up. Not her.

Read up about what a narcissistic mother can do to their children. Be glad that she is only depressed and not suicidal. Her letter was a desperate attempt to get support.

Being her 'best friend' is just an act you are both playing to appease your mother. I believe you can both help each other by going to family therapy.

The favoured sibling (you), as a child, is motivated by fear of being unfavoured. You have normalised this dysfunction in order to survive emotionally.

Good luck, I do believe you can get through this, I hope you can be gentle with each other.

Be aware that there is only one recent "A letter to" that matches your description, so if you're identifiable from that then you're identifiable on here to.

Fantastic post by TalkingintheDark articulated my response exactly.

I remember that letter.

She didn't come out of it well IMO. Anyone reading it would see she was the one with the " issues".

Yes Twinklestein, TalkingInTheDark's post is excellent and I hope OP reads it. She put it much better than me.

You see this scenario time and time again, it's so sad, and when people advocate cutting contact, well that can be devastating.

I'm the fuck up failure of a sister with MH issues, marriage breakdown, domestic abuse, child sexual abuse, dc's with different fathers. My sis has a beautiful house, a successful husband, beautiful children from her marriage, no experience of abuse, a much more positive & happy relationship with my parents (who pretty much hate me & my 'way'). My friends say she is spoilt.

I'm so happy & relieved for her, she's my little sister & I'm so glad she didnt have that shit to deal with. I'm not jealous, life throws you what it throws you, it's your individual responsibility how you handle it, your happiness isn't someone else's responsibility by proxy of blood.

OP I can see both sides of your story & you've both had different life experiences but you are sisters. Work it out with each other, accept each other and move on. Forgive yourselves and each other because in your deathbed your only regret would be if your sister was not in your life. You wouldn't regret it if she was there.

Your sister was quite within her rights to write to the guardian. It's a shame that you think she should have approached you directly to discuss these things. I imagine they have been present for years and she just wanted to get on paper how she felt, to see it.

If you are the amazing sister you claim to be then you ought to show her some empathy.

It's alright for you though isn't it? Your mother loved you. Your mother, is, as far as I'm concerned a disgrace to motherhood.

And yes your sister, at some point does need to take some responsibility for her life, tell her comparison is the thief of joy. The comparison was an ugly one though wasn't it? It's how she feels, she isn't blaming you is she?

She has got rights you know? Anyway reducing contact might be good for her, at least that way she isn't always on your shadow.

*My mother adored me growing up. Not her.

Read up about what a narcissistic mother can do to their children.*

Cottage you are right that being the "black sheep" can be incredibly damaging. But being the golden child of a narcissistic parent is no walk in the park either. You are basically handed all the responsibility for making a dysfunctional family work, and that's an impossible task. You end up with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and putting your own feelings last and surrounded by people making emotional demands on you and resenting you.

The favoured sibling (you), as a child, is motivated by fear of being unfavoured.

I don't know if that's true, I think it's a lot more about guilt and having spent your life feeling everyone depends on you.

I agree with Hooty

Not at all, it just seems to me that if the letter was so identifiable, there must have been some truth to it in part, and the OP seems to be perpetuating the historical dysfunctional family dynamic, by highlighting all her sisters bad points in contrast to all her own good points.

Maybe rather than seeing the letter as a continuation of her sister's screw ups it would perhaps be better to see it as an example of how the sister feels and try to find a way to change the way they relate to one another, so their relationship is more equal, where it's ok to recognise each other's weaknesses and enjoy each other's strengths.

Quitelikely & talkinginthr dark are spot on. Why are you two tearing shreds out of each other emotionally? This is destructive sibling rivalry. The people who should be facing both your emotional pain & absorbing it are your parents. How could they do this to two little girls? Pit them against each other & make one of their daughters feel worthless? How could they do that? You adore your son OP, your sister adores him, imagine if your sister had a child & your parents chose the golden grandchild? You would both be furious! Direct the fury at the cause not each other. Pull the rug from under that dysfunction for both your sakes.

Rather than back away from your sister, how about having some individual and family therapy with her?

LadyJinglyJones

I agree it is as hard for the golden child, what's awful is that the parent who started this conflict is not being held to account. Until both siblings see their mother as she really is then there will be no reconciliation.

As young children it is emotional abuse to both children. For a sibling to witness another being neglected must be as disturbing being the victim. These scars will run very deep and superficially but when they have shaped you in a positive way perhaps you are less prepared to try and heal them.

How does it being identifiable make it true?

Perhaps the sister has told others how she feels & that's why it's identifiable.

I think that there are probably faults on both sides.

Sadly the sister's husband died at a busy time in OPs life.

I would be the first to admit that I'm crap at being there for people beyond "That's shit, tell me if I can help"

The sister's last sentence is fucking awful.

Being happy to list all the sister's failings, some of which are very sad for her, and her own successes without empathy isn't great either.

I think that one difference between Guardian and AIBU is AIBU is high traffic. There are heaps of them so they get lost very quickly in the snow.
plus there are comments often questioning the op's account.

The guardian are less frequent and they get to stand unchallenged. Plus very few of my friends mn (I know it seems like everyone does but they don't) but op's friends read the guardian. so the chances of it being seen by people op knows are higher.

No advice to offer, sorry op. Your sister obviously has issues that only she can work on.

I'm not "being her best friend" we really are v close and have never fought before. I've always rooted for her.

Letter was published well over a yr ago, but I onky just found out, so it might as well have been published last week.

And letter is not about jealousy. The content is irrelevant in a way, she was trying to embarrass me about something, and included many wrong assumptions. But it's quite an unusual situation hence identifiable.

Please dont try to sniff out which article, I came on here for support and you've been amazing, but I'm a really private person and all this has hit really hard.

The point is, yes it must be shit to be the scapegoat and to look at a sibling's life and be jealous and resentful. Of course it must hurt.

BUT if you are an adult, it's not acceptable to take it out on your sibling for daring to have a happy life. I think TalkingintheDark's post makes many good points but it's a bit rich to be called a "princess" for daring to work hard and build up a decent career, meet a partner, buy a house and have kids. It's not a crime, it's what plenty of people do without having apologise for it just because they have a sibling who didn't.

Yes, there is being understanding and making allowances and trying to see the other person's POV, and I think that's important - up to a point. But if someone's behaviour is out of order, you don't have to put up with it. And actually I think it's also better for them, and frees them from their dependency on you, if you can find the strength to say "no, you don't get to treat me like that".

Otherwise you're just treating them like a child. In fact, I don't see it as princess and pauper - it's more like a parent and child relationship between siblings - where the less fortunate one gets to behave badly and demands unconditional love and tolerance, and the happier one is forced into complying out of guilt.

Cottage yes I totally agree the blame should be laid at the door of the parent(s) who brought this about.

But while one sibling does decide to behave badly and cause stress for the other, it will help the other if they can put some boundaries in place.

When you spoke to her was she at all sorry?

I think that I'd have to have some space for starters.

If the thing was done in a fit of pique I might find it easier to get past that if a lot of thought had gone into it iyswim.

Fergus I have sent you a private message.

I think Hooty makes a fair point that the family dynamic seems to be continuing in this fracas.

It's noticeable that the OP's narrative implies she's the successful one, the sister is the jealous fuck up and thus, one rather infers, anything she says about the relationship is thus invalid. I do wonder if the sister has a point when she mentions impatience and lack of empathy.

Rather than dismissing the sister's pov, it might be more profitable to try to understand where she's coming from, and for the OP to express her own pov, and to try to come to a mutual understanding.

This list sounds like one the whole family adheres to and the op is ok with too. How hurtful for the sister. I can imagine venting is entirely what would happen as a result.