My sister wrote a letter about me to the guardian.....

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

It got published. It was full of wild accusations and assumptions and was really unfair.

I only just found out.

She's pretty much permanently depressed so I cant really go mad, but I'm so hurt I really don't want much to do with her. I'm had a go at her yesterday, shouted at her for the first time ever, then ended up consoling her over a cup of tea. I always suck up this sort of thing. And we've always been really close....I thought.

To make things worse, she told my best friend who couldn't face telling me so it's double humiliation. For some reason that's made me much more upset.

I'm mortified because anybody who knows me will have read it as all my friends read the guardian....

What do I do now?

was it a problem page sort of thing?

I don't know what was said obviously but I wouldn't feel humiliated (although I shouldn't be telling you how to feel!) If she has form for this sort of thing I would think of it as attention-seeking and compulsive victim-hood. On the other hand, she cares enough about your relationship to write to a newspaper about it. Could you take it onto a more neutral platform? Is there such a thing as sisters therapy?

Really tough. I'd be hopping mad. But actually no one knows who that person in the paper was so don't feel exposed.

What was her reasoning behind it? Why did the Guardian think it was newsworthy? Are you - or your family - famous?

If it were me I'd think I had 3 choices.
1, write a letter and have it published yourself.
2, run around like a headless chicken trying to manage the damage
3, do nothing as I'd already spoken to her about it. When friends ask, say 'Yes, it's dearsis all over. Very sad, but what can I do? She's still my sis.'
Your real friends won't believe it anyway.

for you and I hope your day gets better.
Remember, today's newspaper will be tomorrow's budgie cage liner.

Unless she tells her friends how would they know if (as you say) she told lies?

Looks like there's long way before you can be civilized with each other.
How often do you meet/see each other?

Can you put some space between both of you? Hard if you share friends but perhaps necessary.

Was it deliberate lies or a reflection on a warped view of things due to her own mental health issues?

I don't think her being depressed means you can't let her know how it made you feel. It's bound to affect your trust in her.

Was it the anonymous "A Letter to.... " column?

Does MN have a bigger readership than The Guardian?
If so, call it quits and move on!

I didn't even know the Guardian had a problem page. I'm damn sure their lawyers make sure they don't publish anything so unique as to be identifiable.

I'm sure not all your friends read the same paper. And those that do won't read all supplements. Talk to the friend who already knows and ask for damage limitation and not feeding your sister's drama, by not discussing it with anyone else.

Oh you get £25 for "a letter to" - tell your mates she's on a creative writing course and that she fancied the practice and the money.

Shes jealous about every aspect of my life which I find really wearing, and she freely admits it, so I'm not imagining it. My husband earns six figs, I don't have to go back to work (but fully intend to). She's skint.

I have two kids. Shes had two failed Ivf attempts and I've held her hand through it all.

I have a very happy marriage. Her is not happy at all.

My mother adored me growing up. But not her.

I graduated and have a lucrative career. She dropped out.

So, there's many reasons for hating me. But I always thought of her as my best friend. Apparently it was sparked off by me saying that I needed a holiday (we rarely have holidays, so it wasn't like I was being some spoilt diva). And who doesn't complain about needing a holiday sometime? I've got two bad sleepers and haven't had a run of good sleep in over five years, she wouldn't understand that though.

We have a severely dysfunctional family and I always thought we were utterly solid.

Yesterday i asked her to draw up a list of all the things she is u happy about and classify them into things she can't change (infertility; my mum) and things that were her decision. Because sympathetic though I truly am, the constant victimhood is not helpings her we all make crap decisions at times.

Are you in any way identifiable from the letter?

Has anyone recognised it was written by your sister (and hence about you)?

If so, the Guardian has made a pretty massive cock up.

That column is just dreadful.

The last three weeks of A Letter Two aren't about sisters.
I think you can safely say that it's past even being fish & chips wrappings now.

I think you need to focus on dealing with your sister, rather than worrying about all your Guardian reading mates. I'm sure those letters are like horoscopes - could apply to millions. They're just not going to publish really unique things. So other than the friend she told, I doubt your friends even read it, let alone connected it with you.

My mother adored me growing up. But not her

This is the core of it. forget the other stuff. You never get over that. It's not your fault obviously so she's blaming the wrong person but it's almost impossible to recover from something like that. I once met one of a couple of famous siblings who famously don't like each other and it turned out that their mother preferred one over the other as well. Despite all their wealth and achievement (on both sides) that still sat between them like a huge mountain.

It sounds like you've done a good job of supporting her but I would be jealous of you if I were your sister even without the mum thing. Infertility particularly can really crystallise all the other unfairnesses in life.

People have recognized it, yes. She admitted to that yesterday. Mutual friends.

Was it published as part of the 'A letter to...' weekly series?

I'm sorry you are hurt but that series does seem quite anonymous of that is any consolidation.

I would do as previous poster suggested and if asked keep your council but say something like 'yes, it was dear sis'.

Sorry OP - families are bloody hard.

How would anyone know it was you?

Those 'A letter to....' columns are totally anonymous, with no names, places, ages or anything.

Where you sis has gone wrong is drawing your attention to it :(

i feel betrayed. Need to lick wounds and move on. One day of self pity and I'll be fine. Actually all I can do is move on and forget it, but I'm so hurt.

A said mutual friend emailed it to me. So yes, obviously identifiable.

Does the letter present you in an unfavourable light?

As in, does she just address a letter about her jealousy of you to you, or does she blame you in the letter?

Is the letter truthful?

Those articles are archived online, so they are searchable and findable and very much not "today's chip paper".

Yesterday i asked her to draw up a list of all the things she is u happy about and classify them into things she can't change (infertility; my mum) and things that were her decision.

What came out of this?

I don't think you do have to lick your wounds and move on.

First of all there may be a libel issue here.

Second of all what your sister did was fucking awful and you are allowed to step away from people who treat you badly.

OP, I think might know about which letter you are referring to. I remember it from last summer, because it struck me as being slightly unhinged. I read these letters with my DD and we discuss them, we use them as 'taking a moment and looking at somebody else's perspective on things'.
The reason why I say this one stuck out: she seemed to have a slightly obsessive and not quite normal attitude towards the nephew. She was grieving the loss of her partner, was she substituting her partner with her nephew?
My DD is an only nice/granddaughter for a very large family, they all want a piece if her and they all adore her. And she was asking me why would anybody want to cut contact between nephews/nieces and the uncles/aunts. I remember telling her that sometimes children need proctected/sheltered.

Even if it is not the same letter we're talking about, the fact that she washed your family's laundry in public is not on. However.
Try and write a letter to her. Just for you, or for her, or for the Guardian.
It might open up the lines of communication again.

That's an interesting idea, writing her a letter.
Twofold: to explain your feelings.
And to ask her how she'd feel if you published it in the paper and showed all her friends.

I could moan to the guardian, of course, but that's really pointless, at best they'd send me a box of fair trade tofu or something.
I just wish she hadn't done it.
But to be fair, so does she.

Oh, drawing up the list....I was trying to make the point to her that she can control large swathes of her life. At the moment she's just ossifying in bitterness.

She wasn't really listening....too much rending of garments going on. I love her so much. She's an idiot which can't see even that as a plus point. My dad recently gave her a huge amount of money, can't see that positively either.

Looking at your post comparing your lives she must be hurting a fair bit.

I'd keep talking and talking. I understand why you'd be shocked, but I do feel for her.

Has your DS shown any genuine contrition? Your post says you ended up consoling her so she's shown some,but is it genuine remorse and does she have any idea of how hurtful this has been? Because, if so, it could be the start of a more equal relationship between you. She sounds very very manipulative and you'll need to stop that - in your conversation about it, you're understandably furious but somehow end up consoling her.