support thread! Marriages in recovery!

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, I find myself trawling through the posts in this section looking for people in the same boat as me, but I can't find any!

So I've decided to build my own boat and see if anyone wants to join me

My marriage is in recovery after my husband had an affair six months ago, we are both trying very hard to make it work, as the affair was a symptom of the fact that we had drifted from one another (what's with all the boat-y metaphors today?) rather than a need to 'get out' on his part.

It is very hard to learn to trust again and rebuild this from the ground up, and it would be lovely to know if others are facing the same things.

so come join me and lets have a brew xxx

[ChatMan]

Hi. Do you mind a man joining your thread?

No affair here, but a close miss to breaking up, mainly my fault, and a wobbly state at the moment. The background is introversion, detachment, and a nice helping of unreasonable emotional blackmail on my part, leading to near complete loss of intimacy in our relationship.

Not having relationship counselling but looking for it.

If I need to explain why I am here, I looked at MN as a resource to find out if what was happening for us was going on for others, and eventually saw myself (metaphorically ... I don't think my other half was posting) described pretty negatively & I realized it was true.

I am not used to posting on sites like this ... makes me realize the first thing to decide is whether to let my wife know.

[humanmagicmarker]

All welcome here, grab an oar :)

Sounds like you're at that 'walking on eggshells' point. We've found that honesty is the best policy about everything. If either of us are down, we've vowed to say so, not bottle it up or say nothing in order to protect the feelings of the other. we learned a lot through marriage counselling, recently stopped cos our babysitter bailed on us, but she made us see each other's point of view and get to the bottom of why things had gone wrong (which wasn't why we thought it was). It was helpful to get an outsider opinion, someone who wasn't friend/family and therefore emotionally involved. Definitely worth it.

You don't need to explain yourself, sometimes the best way to look at your own relationship is to look at how others are dealing with the same things.

[lostmummy12]

Can I join in?
Found out about husbands year long on/off affair in June, we are 6 months in and trying to muddle thru...
Have good days and bad, mainly on my part, feel happy & secure one minute, and sad & paranoid the next,
Husband being great, will answer any q's and try to reassure me,
I'd just love to feel happy again tho and not always be @looking over my shoulder" or questionning stuff he says ( has to go away for work a lot and find this v hard to deal with, esp when I know this is how affaur happened, he said he never saw it as anthing long term, just completely seperate to our marriage/family life)
Rambling a bit , sorry xx

[brontolo]

Thank you for starting this! I too keep looking for someone in a similar "recovery" position. I'm a bit behind - only 4 weeks since I discovered my husband had been having an on/off affair for about 18 months. We are having couple counselling, I've had 1 independent counselling session and my husband has been referred to a psychologist to deal with previously undiagnosed depression / anxiety. Everything is a bit of a roller coaster to be honest. I want to believe we can get through this and come out happier and stronger, but the "how the hell do I really do that?" feelings are equally as strong.

Can't post more just now but will check back in later.

[ChatMan]

Feeling a bit low about the 5 messages here compared to the 89 in 'support for leaving your partner ....'

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2267937-2015-A-fresh-start-Anyone-leaving-there-partner-in-the-new-year-Can-we-support-each-other

[ChatMan]

More relevantly, I have found a relationship counselor & am booked in.

I would like to ask a question of the 3 of you here though - about the balance between talking through the issues in a relationship, which can be angsty and put a downer on a day or a weekend, and simply trying to be a nice partner so we both have a nice time.

Without trying to hide issues under the carpet, do you find that once you have discussed things it is better to be 'forward looking' and try to make good habits to address issues but not over-discuss them? I feel like I by disposition focus over and over on talking through issues, which makes me no fun, maybe I should put more effort into trying to act in ways that shows I am conscious of past issues, and in being enjoyable company.

[charlie2405]

I've just posted on here bout finding out my dh has cheated on me with prostitues and a girl at work. I'm two weeks post but wanted advice on how to trust again because I want my marriage to work. How did everyone do when it was so raw? I cant bear for him to be out of my sight x

[elfycat]

I had an AIBU back in November when I caught DH a few days before meeting another woman (dating site). Stupid muppet had given me his laptop but left his email logged in. I had an interesting afternoon reading the pop-ups as they emailed.

Then he went all stupid and super-defensive-through-attack. It's that behaviour that nearly broke us. We muddled through Christmas and have been trying to get back in touch with the things we have in common and made us work to begin with. Stupid things like re-watching Star Trek Voyager and eating cheeses (with port).

It was a bit volatile, and loud, for a while but most of the anger is spent. Now we have to unravel the crap. A lot of it comes from his parents who have very strong narc tendencies and I'm going NC with them. They've bullied us both.Me because I do not conform to their sad, limited little world and DH because they always have - his father was csnarling at him and calling him stupid while they worked together and DH doesn't hear it. DH was following their example in his bullying and belittling behaviour to me and he had agreed to go and have counselling to settle that part of his life. I'm going to have counselling to make sure I am never subsumed again.

If we can get back on an even keel it will be great, but he was treating me like he would not treat any other human being. He called me his best friend, and I am. But he was not mine for a long time. I'm having trust issues about letting me new super-strong guard down.

[humanmagicmarker]

Hello all, sorry I dissapeared for a few days!

Lostmummy12 you sound exactly like me, can't quite let go of it, can we? You start to trust and then feel yourself pulling back, like a defence mechanism. We just have to hold on to what we still have and hope the horribleness will fade.

Chatman, the amount of people splitting up scares me too, that's why I wanted to start this thread, to see if anyone else was going through what I see as a harder route, staying when things are bad because you want to recover what you had, realise why you fell for each other in the first place. It is hard to get a balance between talking it over and just trying to draw a line under things and move on, I agree, I suppose go with the flow of what's right for you as a couple? would welcome anyone elses thoughts on this...

Sounds like some other people have joined us having just made a discovery. All I can say as a person 7 months from a discovery is that it will be bloody hard, and you really have to think about whether the recovery road is worth it. This will depend on the behaviour of your partner in the next few months - don't be a doormat but don't be too agressive either. Talking to each other properly is a good start xxx

puts kettle on

[humanmagicmarker]

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Can-Ever-Trust-Again/dp/140880946X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422437939&sr=1-1&keywords=how%20can%20i%20ever%20trust%20you%20again&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I know not everyone here is dealing with cheating but this book helped me a lot xx

[erazer]

Hi found out 4 months ago my husband had cheated. Felt devastated. After talking, we have decided to try to continue with our marriage. I feel I have been to hell. I have felt paranoid about everything. Has not been helped by no one to talk to where I live. Last week after talking again and reassurance, I have felt better. I am trying to be positive and look forward. If I stay in the past I don't think we have a chance. I still check things and get anxious when he is not here. I don't think I will ever trust fully again. I am so glad there is a post about people trying to make a go of things, I hope we can help each other.

[humanmagicmarker]

Welcome Erazer. I find this site so negative sometimes, whenever someone posts a thread about what to do when their marriage is in trouble there's always a barrage of "LEAVEHIMHESABASTARDSTANDUPFORYOURSELF". It isn't always that simple, is it? I wonder if those people would look at it differently if it happened to them?

[nowitsenough]

Lurker here - dh not had an affair, but marriage has been difficult recently due to difficult circumstances (long term unemployment, depression, financial issues etc) and I'm now trying to get back to how we used to be - posted another thread about this too and had lots of advice about spending time together. We have a teen dd and I find it so difficult to spend time alone with dh and to be a wife instead of a mother, I haven't been fun to be around for a long time and want to get back to that.

Tell me to get lost though, I know I've got different issues and my thoughts probably aren't relevant, but my marriage is a marriage in recovery too, for different reasons

[humanmagicmarker]

This thread is for anyone who needs to be here, you are most welcome, flower. Part of the reason for my difficulties was an issue with depression meaning we drifted apart. Counselling has helped us - and I know teenagers can be difficult, I work in a secondary school! So feel free to rant about that too, we are here xxx

[brontolo]

Chatman - I totally get what you mean about trying to deal with the everyday / looking ahead / wanting to make things better, and at the same time worrying that by doing so you're just sweeping things under the carpet. I'm feeling exactly the same. I do want to look ahead. I guess I'm a generally positive person, and dwelling on the hideousness of it all isn't good for me. That isn't to say I don't think about it often (though it's gone from every 2 minutes to more like every 10 minutes I reckon) but I just can't keep wallowing forever. I spoke to our marriage counsellor about it in an individual session, and she did indicate that she thinks I am masking the anger. I thought she might be right, but having thought about it for the last few days, I don't think I am. I'm just handling it differently. Possibly more sporadically and inwardly? And I imagine that it will come in peaks and troughs for some time to come.

I'm also struggling with the fact that the way I've reacted isn't the way i guess I thought I would react. I'm pretty sure I would be aghast at a close friend wanting to stay and work things through if they were in my position. But it's really so far from being that easy. I actually now feel that staying to try and see if there's a way forward in our relationship is the much harder choice in many ways. I sort of feel like I'll be forever questioning if I'm doing the right thing, and have no way of really knowing at this stage. My general lack of patience isn't helping - I like to have much more control over my life than I feel I'm able to just now. Everything is just a big gamble.

It's good to have this thread, and support for marriages trying to recover. It can feel quite a lonely, uncertain place.

[erazer]

Thank you for the welcome. This site is very negative, I was quite shocked and very upset by some of the responses I got when I posted about my cheating husband.
I find that my whole world was turned upside down. Very lonely place , I agree

[erazer]

What I have put is not quite what I ment to say. Hope I have not upset anyone.

[nowitsenough]

Thanks Human

Yes, and I can't believe how suddenly she's become a teenager. - Kevin the teenager on Harry Enfield's Show was about right! Nothing I do is right, she's moody and unpleasant a lot of the time and I know how to deal with it. Up to now she was a good girl, so I'm not used to telling her off.

Anyway, dh and I have had no time to ourselves and I don't know how to spend time with him anymore except to watch TV. I don't know what to talk about with him. But I want to get back to how I used to feel about him, enjoy being with him, wanting to spend my life with him.

I've been suffering with depression for a while too. Our recent situation didn't help, but I hope that now things will improve.

[Fingeronthebutton]

Humanmagicmarker. That's funny, me and my OH did drift apart building a boat.
We had been together 19 years when it happened to me. It had been going on 3 years.
We separated for 2 years but still met up. We decided to get back together.
That was 14 years ago. We never discussed any of the shit. I'm a believer in: a still tongue makes a wise head. Remember: once you hear the words, you can't unhear them.

[snowflake02]

Can I join too?

Fingeronthebutton you are so right. You can never unhear what you have already heard.

For me that is a huge part of the problem as my husband has been abusive towards me. He has said and done some fairly awful things, but he has now sought appropriate help (mental health). I have come so close to ending the marriage and wished many times that I had been brave enough to do it. But I need to know I have given it everything before calling it a day. We were happy once and I desperately want to believe that we can be again. He is not a bad person, he has just done some bad things. So we are giving it one last shot..

[ChatMan]

Brontolo In my case I have been a bit (?) of a shit to my wife, but I feel very keenly that somehow I need to not dwell too much on my mistakes and more be a nice partner. I feel like I am carrying a dark cloud round with me, which cannot make me an attractive proposition. For what it is worth, for the moment I am going to focus on being a partner and not raking over old ground in my mind or dragging up conversations that shatter any mood. I remember once my wife saying how much she liked that I could cheer her up when she was in a bad mood .... and I haven't done that in a long time, I have just reacted angrily and made things worse.

nowitsenough me too. No affair, but an almost terminal transition into being a dad / money earning unit, not a husband. The crisis we have been through, and a recent anniversary, has made me reflect on what we were like as a couple when we met, and also what I was like. I think that step by step, each one un-noticeable, I have ended up a long way away from what I wanted to be.

Bon courage to everyone in this thread.

[ChatMan]

snowflake02 Do you not think that 'one last shot' means you think it will fail? And if it will fail, then why bother?

Surely to recover a relationship you (both) need to be 'all in', 'give-it-all-you've-got'. Fix it now and for good, not a last shot.

[elfycat]

I agree that it has to be all or nothing. There's a meme I saw today about divorce being 50:50 (%) but marriage is 100:100.

Years ago DH asked (in all seriousness) 'So when can I stop putting the effort in?'. I may have told him never. He had poor training though. I have a set of those in-laws. I'm going NC as I refuse to have any more of their self-importanc. and interference. DH needs to stop following their example of human/human interactions as they are in the realm of the narcissist. A lot of the marital rift leading up to his attempted-fling was me hearing his father's voice out of his mouth. FIL shocked DH in how quickly and nastily he blamed me for the marital split and he brought up an old lie about an issue from ten years before as an example of my unreasonableness (my version is not in question).

The lack of respect DH has shown to me, over the last few years since having children is appalling. But then I've changed and the balance went out of the relationship and my self-esteem and his bullying were in a spiral downwards and not all his doing. I'm not having it any more and am taking back my power. I though he'd fight and be nastier to me, trying to keep me down, but the opposite had happened. The stroppier stronger I am the happier he seems to be.

I'm not saying we'll make it, but I have optimism that we can work out the balance.

[worserevived]

Hi everyone. It's nice to find a positive thread on this topic as when I needed help I found this board very aggressive.

I'm nearly 3 years on from my DH confessing to a relatively short lived affair with an overseas colleague. It hurt for all manner of reasons, but especially because it shattered my belief in him as a good man who 'wouldn't do that'. I never doubted him when he travelled on business, which he did every week.

Are we in recovery, or recovered? Well, that's debatable, because his affair did one very positive thing. It caused us to reconnect, communicate, and really value what we had lost in our marriage, which was closeness and intimacy. It changed us both. We are now a much stronger happier unit, and probably more likely to stay the distance than we ever were before. So in that sense, we are recovered. However, a bit like an addiction it is probably more accurate to say we are in recovery as no matter how rosy things are I have to face the reality that is when the chips were down, he chose to cheat. He can't ever be that unblemished man I believed in before. Her face still haunts me. She had no reason to be loyal to me, and wasn't, so is blameless, but even now, 3 years on, I see her in my dreams every single day.

My advice to those of you at the start of what is a very long and painful road to recovery is 1. step away and allow yourself to heal, before you make any decisions about whether you want your marriage to heal. You really need to know you are ok on your own, before you can even think about trying to be ok together. If you don't the risk is you will stay out of fear of the unknown. 2. Never compete. If your partner is still in contact with OW/OM, walk away. 3. Talk about everything. Yes you can never un-hear something, but believe me if a question isn't answered your mind will imagine much worse than the reality.

Me, I'm happy these days, as is DH. We are also different as people, and different as a couple. Probably kinder and more considerate, and definitely more balanced and equal as a unit.

[babbinocaro]

Blimey so much anguish (dreaming of OW every day) and yet you say you are happy. Does he dream of the OW every day too? Is this all part of the new found happiness in your relationship? I sense some denial of reality, lack of authenticity. Maybe I lack the forgiveness gene or maybe I feel more betrayal, sadness and devastation. I can't bring myself to buy Dear Husband cards even, no Valentine, anniversary - just dishonest - our difference as people is disappointment with ourselves and each other.