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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partners quizzing your previous sex life

146 replies

ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 10:42

Last night my boyfriend started quizzing me about previous sexual partners, not about whether they were good etc but when it was and if they were a boyfriend or ONS.

It made me extremely uncomfortable and he wasn't pleased with what he heard as I lost my virginity at an extremely young age.
Personally I do not see the issue because I'd prefer to have had sex young with a boyfriend when I felt ready to, than for example wait til my 20s and maybe jump into bed with anyone because I felt desperate to get it over with! But if I'd done the latter I can't imagine it would have been an issue Hmm
He said that I'm not the person he thought I was (nice!) which is pretty much him saying I'm a slag.
I can't see the relationship lasting much longer but that's another story.

Anyway back to the thread!
Do you think it's ok for a partner to ask anything about your sexual history?
Is it always a red flag if they ask or is it sometimes ok?
Would you ever ask them yourself or be happy to answer them?
If you cheated in a previous relationship should you tell your new partner or is it irrelevant?

Personally I don't really want to know about a boyfriends sexual encounters, I don't see why you'd want to know!

OP posts:
AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 23/01/2015 20:19

I need to have my say and stop holding my tongue about certain issues.

Aargh. No, no you don't. This is what you do with a person you are staying in a relationship with.

Your "say" is "This relationship isn't working for me. I don't see a happy long-term future together so it is time for me to move on. I hope you meet the right woman one day."

If he objects or asks why, be vague DO NOT BE SPECIFIC (that is when it becomes a negotiation) , "It's complicated, I just know that this isn't meant to be."

Then you walk away.

The classic line "Its not you, its me." on the way out, exists for a reason. Mostly used when it is him not you, just to shut it down. Grin

You do not discuss. You do not make him cry or swear or shout or promise to do better. All of those things would be mean. You. Just. Walk. Away.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 23/01/2015 20:26

Perhaps write a letter to yourself explaining why you are leaving him, if you need the release.

He doesn't have to be the man you want him to be. His "faults" are just things you don't like. Someone else might be fine with it (very unlikely I realise but do you see my point?)

You are leaving because of you. You are leaving because of your standards, your wishes, your self-esteem. You are leaving because of you.

tipsytrifle · 23/01/2015 20:27

I need to have my say and stop holding my tongue about certain issues

When I was young and constantly abused, misheard, misinterpreted while various men tried to train me right, I used to think I needed the last word. Maybe I hoped to convert them from their cruel ways and wrong ideas about me and/or any woman. But darn it, they really weren't up for conversion.

Your say will only add to your dose of misogyny, because one way or another, to some degree or another, that guy felt you were "wrong" to have a past of your own.

Just let him go and save yourself. I spent a lifetime trying to save others. Waste of energy.

CitySnicker · 23/01/2015 20:29

OP. Sounds like my ex. His appearance issue isn't in the pants dept is it?

RonaldMcFartNuggets · 23/01/2015 20:35

It made me feel really sad for you reading your op :(

That someone who is mean to be in love with you and cherish you would make you feel horrible about yourself because of your past is just nasty.

My dp has never asked me anything about previous boyfriends/sex but we've chatted about experiences like losing virginities etc. I remember him saying he thought I was young to lose it, but not in a judgey way at all. I think he felt upset that I lost it before him as he lost it quite late Wink

I hope you find someone who love you for you, including all your past as that's what makes you YOU!

Good luck girl

RonaldMcFartNuggets · 23/01/2015 20:36

Meant* to be in love with you

redrubyindigo · 23/01/2015 20:45

Ok I have been there very briefly with a guy. Third degree about ex-lovers, then he hated my single friends, then he hated my married friends........then he hated it when I went out without him, then he hated my family.........................

I dumped him because I could see all to easily that one day I would look up and have no friends, no life and panicking anytime my phone rang because he would 'hate' that to.

Handywoman · 23/01/2015 20:55

Yeah my ex had a similar thing: not quizzed re past but we were not allowed to mention anyone from my past relationships. One of my past relationships became a family friend and never forgets to send me a birthday message. He hissed and spat the every time.

By the time I left he also hated:

Me working (because he sometimes had to look after his own kids at the weekend)
My friends
My hobby

This crappy attitude is really telling you: I hate women.

Bin and don't look back!

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 21:09

I think you are all right about it being pointless and risky to sit and talk about all of the issues.
I did do it in the past with my ex's and they did manage to talk me round so it's definitely not a good idea. Thank you for pointing that out, I'm on my phone so can't scroll through to find your username without deleting the message!

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 21:10

I think it will be a good idea to write a letter to him about the reasons but keep it for myself

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 21:18

better idea

don't repeat your old mistakes

didn't you say that MN has been really helpful to you ?

then bloody listen to us

Lammy7 · 23/01/2015 21:26

Pickles the advice here is good.
Remember it is not up to you to teach people how to behave (unless they are your kids)
this is his shit and you should park it with him and move on
best of luck to you!

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 21:26

I'm listening AF, this can't get any better and I know that when I really think about it.
I just know that I'm going to miss having someone and was thinking our relationship was going well. That side of things if making me hope things work out but I know for a fact I have to end it.

I will report back what happens, I'm going to make it as quick as possible so I can get back to my life ASAP!

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 21:27

Thank you for wishing me luck and being supportive. It is scary but this time tomorrow it should be a thing of the past!

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 23/01/2015 21:36

Professor

You have been given over a hundred red flags on this post about this guy. If you go ahead with the relationship then fine. Your choice.

This guy does not like women. He wants a virgin in a locked room.

You have no need to explain or have 'one' last chat. I can guarantee he will pour forth entreaties and platitudes and promises of love and maybe squeeze out a tear or two.

If you go ahead say goodbye to your mobile phone, privacy, Mumsnet, your friends, family, social life, Christmas and birthdays with friends and family, e-mail accounts etc etc

He may also clock your car mileage and do a test run to your work and back (just to check) doncha know. My friend was with a possessive partner who actually did this EVERY DAY. She had to explain a detour to the shops once because she needed Tampax!

redrubyindigo · 23/01/2015 21:37

Good luck matey!

ZombieApocalypse · 23/01/2015 22:35

Not to minimise at all because as I posted, some men will always freak out about their partner having had more formers than them. But I would like to add that DH was a bit antsy when he first found out my numbers were higher than his and did a bit of 'it's different for men and women'.

I pointed out how ludicrous and antiquated this view is, and he agreed but was unable to really explain why he thought it in the first place. But in fairness to him, he has genuinely changed his opinions about sexism and I think that's good.

The clincher is whether or not they choose to use the exp information against you and/or reduce their opinion because of it. In DH's case, he never used it against me, it was more that he felt inferior and fell back on a hackneyed argument to try and describe how he felt.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2015 22:57

"I just know that I'm going to miss having someone and was thinking our relationship was going well. That side of things if making me hope things work out but I know for a fact I have to end it."

Just remember that you'll never be able to grab the future with both hands if you're still holding on tight to the past.

He's the past. Your future partner is still out there waiting.

Heyho111 · 23/01/2015 23:37

It depends how it comes up. I know about my oh's past relationships and he knows about mine. It came up in general chit chat over the years. But we've been together 25 years so know the ins and outs ( excuse the pun) of our lives. It didn't alter our opinions of each other , it just felt like really knowing the person. It's not just past relationships we know about each other it's everything. It all builds to the people we are now. Plus I'm nosy tbh.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/01/2015 00:54

I agree that he will use the information against you, and you should move on...Well done for having the backbone and self respect to prioritize you and your life.

You do not owe him anything. You do not have to explain why. This would be offering a sort of report in hopes of getting his endorsement, agreement, etc. which isn't going to happen. You do not need his permission to end the, nay- your , relationship.

The lines given above - this isn't working for you, we are not compatible - are excellent. I think the comment about "not seeing the relationship go the distance" is the best one, imho. If he has spidey senses and shows up with an engagement ring tomorrow, you could say that if the two of you were to marry that you feel with metaphysical certitude that it would end in divorce...And you want to skip the divorce.

For anything after that: "No".

sykadelic · 24/01/2015 04:21

I understand you're hurt, but he's entitled to feel how he feels and all it shows is that you're incompatible. You want someone who loves and accepts you for you and he's obviously not that guy. He wants someone with a different past and that's not something you can change. You could quite easily express upset that he's not who YOU though he was... in fact, how you're feeling is probably how he's feeling, shock.

It reads to me that his "how did you find the time" thing was him trying to find out if you cheated on your exes.

No-one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. Onwards and upwards.

To answer your OP though: I would not be comfortable talking to a partner about how many people I've slept with and nor would I want to know their details... for the reason that your OP shows. If the number is above what they think is "normal" then they think you're a slut, you think he's a player... there's just simply no reason to know. STI checks and move on.

daisychain01 · 24/01/2015 06:10

prof Kate Moss came out with a good one

"Don't complain, don't explan"

A fantastic mantra. I like AFs line of thinking, disengaging is good. Don't give him rope to hang you with (which, by the way, you don't deserve!). The less you say the better. You don't have to give a reason, you've changed your mind about your relationship and have decided to part company. Period. All the best, have a good life, see ya!

It means you don't have to remember anything, get stressed out or have to put on your best performance, just to help him to understand.

daisychain01 · 24/01/2015 06:14

Don't complain, don't explain

It would help if I could type!

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 24/01/2015 11:33

No the appearance issue isn't in the pants department whoever asked, just seen your username and forgot!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/01/2015 12:27

so, today you assert yourself and reset your life, yeah ?

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