New partners quizzing your previous sex life

[ProfessorPickles]

Last night my boyfriend started quizzing me about previous sexual partners, not about whether they were good etc but when it was and if they were a boyfriend or ONS.

It made me extremely uncomfortable and he wasn't pleased with what he heard as I lost my virginity at an extremely young age.
Personally I do not see the issue because I'd prefer to have had sex young with a boyfriend when I felt ready to, than for example wait til my 20s and maybe jump into bed with anyone because I felt desperate to get it over with! But if I'd done the latter I can't imagine it would have been an issue
He said that I'm not the person he thought I was (nice!) which is pretty much him saying I'm a slag.
I can't see the relationship lasting much longer but that's another story.

Anyway back to the thread!
Do you think it's ok for a partner to ask anything about your sexual history?
Is it always a red flag if they ask or is it sometimes ok?
Would you ever ask them yourself or be happy to answer them?
If you cheated in a previous relationship should you tell your new partner or is it irrelevant?

Personally I don't really want to know about a boyfriends sexual encounters, I don't see why you'd want to know!

Thank you AF and Yonic. I will have a look!

It's not nice feeling insecure. It's also not fair to take it out on other people, though. I'm sure insecurity is behind a lot of twattish behaviour- doesn't justify it though.

Dirtybadger - I know I sound like I'm sticking up for him but I do agree that insecurity isn't an excuse.
I have every reason to be more insecure than he is and my insecurities do make me very sad but not once do I let him know how I'm feeling cause it's unfair and unreasonable. I try my best to keep it to myself and not take it out on him!

You are now making excuses for him. This is a huge red flag, and you mention they are other ones and you have a history of being with abusive men. And here you go again . . .

I'm not saying I'm staying with him because I'm not but I'm also not going to make him out to be abusive and nasty because he isn't.
He's just incredibly insecure and takes it out on me but I'm going to walk away because it isn't my issue to battle with

Just to wade in and say... RED FLAG!!!

I had a very similar conversation with my ex and yep, he turned out to be a total arse. Of course no-one is totally good or bad, but this particular scenario smacks of serious woman issues which will dog your relationship. Get out now before you get really hurt.

I did an online 'jail time' test where you answer a few questions and it tells you how much jail time you would get in the US (had my first sexual boyfriend when we were both 15) and emailed it to him to do as a joke, and I came out with the right score for underage sex. He said exactly what your guy said 'you're not who I thought you were'. After that every time he got pissed he would tell me I was 'damaged goods' that I had 'won the love lottery' because he loved me even though I had 'working class' standards (!!) he harassed me about how many people I slept with and I wouldn't tell him. He asked if I had secretly had children, if I'd had an abortion, all sorts: 'you seem like you've had a kid, down there' he told me!! He was a woman hater and an ass who at first had seemed so sweet and kind. This will be just the beginning for you, then you'll get the digs and comments. Don't let him drag you down!

I think it can be ok to ask. DH and I know each other's history just through lengthy conversations about previous life. Any questions have always started with the qualifying statement 'You obviously don't have to answer this...' 'Feel free to tell me it's nice of my business but...'. No answer has ever been met with judgement. The only things I don't know about are particular issues which his ex had relating to abuse she had suffered as a child. I never asked, he wouldn't tell me. That is definitely none of my business and it would be very disrespectful to her if he told me. Just wanted to give the view that those conversations can be part of a functional relationship.

But I think the way you were asked and judged is definitely not ok. Dump dump dump. Massive red flags. Very concerning.

Red flag in this case. I do agree, not always if conversed about from the point of view of sharing stories and getting to know each other.

When it comes to asking, only to judge and get shirty then big red flag.

I know it sounds daft but I think I'm going to sit and write what I want to say to him tonight to try get my thoughts straight.
There's a few things I need to say to him and I'll be annoyed if I forget anything because of the stress of it.

Makes me very sad to think it'll be the last time I see him but it's for the best!

Good luck and don't let him drag you back in. Insecurity is one thing but his judginess and double standards are unforgivable.

That doesn't sound daft at all. I used to do the same with my exh or I'd never get out what I wanted to say.

I slept with a lot of men before DH. We've never discussed it but I'm pretty sure my number would be much higher than his. He's never asked though because he's not a controlling dickheads.

Your chap is a chode, good luck getting rid

Why are you dreading leaving him Pickles?
I'm also interested in his reply to that question of yours.

I'm more worried that your question what does that make me kind of self-questioned your morals/ethics or whatever. That's so not necessary. You did what you did with who you chose of your free will. I hope! That's it and that's that.

But really, I think his mask of "nice guy worth staying with" has well and truly slipped.

Pickles, I really hope you are not going to make mistake #1 otherwise referred to as "I have to make him understand"

he doesn't need to understand, you just have to end it

because nobhead

AnyFucker - it's less a case of making him understand and more I need to have my say and stop holding my tongue about certain issues.
I just can't wait for it to all be over and done with so I can sit and sulk for a week then get on with my life!

You might ask him why he puts you down for your sexual past, but he has had twice as many? It would give him something to think about. And point out to him his insecurity, his hypocrisy, his outdated views.

Hansie - that is something I definitely need to address, embarrassingly I'd thought about it earlier and had forgotten already
I've had a stress headache for 4 days now and my memory is horrendous.
I've written it down

the trouble with "having your say" is that you give him content to argue against and potentially talk you round

the best approach is to simply disengage and don't give him any inroads at all

Hi Pickles. My two pence is this: We all have our insecurities but when someone knows them and uses them against us that is a red flag (for me anyway).

I am appalled at his reaction to your honest answers.

You can make excuses to stay with him (it is your life, your relationship). You can choose to only see his good side and tell yourself he is insecure too, HOWEVER his double standards and judgement of women is disgusting.

That is something you do not have to put up with. Good luck and I hope you find the courage to leave him.

look love, with respect if you are "forgetting" pretty important points already he is going to run rings round you verbally and make you feel like shit

do yourself a favour and simply disengage

It's not always a red flag.

I know dps history and he mine, but the information has come up in little bits in conversations over the years. It wasn't a sit down and grill session if you see what I mean.

It certainly is a red flag if you are grilled/ mocked or judged on your history. The key word is 'history'.

If you start in on a big list of reasons why you have to leave him then you have unintentionally opened a negotiation on you staying.

All you have to say is that the relationship isn't working for you, you don't see a happy long-term future together so it is time to move on, you hope he will meets the right woman one day.

There's a few things I need to say to him Why? To make you feel strong and not to be messed with?

Imo strong women don't need that. A strong woman is confident of her decisions and just gets on with it.

What if he starts turning it round to be your fault, twisting things, messing with your mind? Your ex's did that didn't they?

Control freak.
Its deep in his psyche, and he will taint his mind and yours with this information.
Go now.

I agree with the need to call it off. One's sexual history is not a weapon for their partner to beat them with. In future remember 'don't ask, don't tell' works best.

But I wouldn't explain anything to him. I'd just say 'This relationship isn't working out for me. We need to go our separate ways and I wish you the best'. Anything else is to just invite an argument, justification on his part, recrimination, or more accusations.

As far as his faults or problems, since you aren't staying they aren't yours to worry about or 'fix'. He won't listen to you anyway.

I use words carefully......information
That is all it is - what he says to you.
Use information wisely.