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Original poster

New partners quizzing your previous sex life

146 replies

ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 10:42

Last night my boyfriend started quizzing me about previous sexual partners, not about whether they were good etc but when it was and if they were a boyfriend or ONS.

It made me extremely uncomfortable and he wasn't pleased with what he heard as I lost my virginity at an extremely young age.
Personally I do not see the issue because I'd prefer to have had sex young with a boyfriend when I felt ready to, than for example wait til my 20s and maybe jump into bed with anyone because I felt desperate to get it over with! But if I'd done the latter I can't imagine it would have been an issue Hmm
He said that I'm not the person he thought I was (nice!) which is pretty much him saying I'm a slag.
I can't see the relationship lasting much longer but that's another story.

Anyway back to the thread!
Do you think it's ok for a partner to ask anything about your sexual history?
Is it always a red flag if they ask or is it sometimes ok?
Would you ever ask them yourself or be happy to answer them?
If you cheated in a previous relationship should you tell your new partner or is it irrelevant?

Personally I don't really want to know about a boyfriends sexual encounters, I don't see why you'd want to know!

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 23/01/2015 11:27

and how long have you been together?

PasstheDaimbars · 23/01/2015 11:29

Agree he's an arse.

I don't see an issue with chatting about it, but only if you're both comfortable with the conversation. And I do think someones reaction can be a big flag be it red or green.

The minute they think they can judge you badly on your past is the minute you kick them in to touch.

Palooza · 23/01/2015 11:29

I've asked about prior sex lives of partners because I'm nosy Blush

Never judged them though - been a bit jealous sometimes, but of them for feeling able to enjoy being young free and single when they were.

The only aspect of someone's past sexual activity which would make me 'think differently' about them would be cheating I think.

Lazymummy2014 · 23/01/2015 11:36

DH and I know numbers and some background detail. I initiated the conversation early on in the relationship because my number is pretty high (much higher than his) and if he had a problem with it I knew he wouldn't be the man for me. To me, it's the reaction that's the important thing. I'm not remotely ashamed of the shagging around I did earlier in life, and I needed to know he wasn't going to be / try to make me be.

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 11:41

Fudge face- I can't remember it word for word but the jist of it was
Me: well what does that make me then?
Him: I just can't believe you did something like that, I don't know what that makes you.

But in a bit of a YOURE A SLAG way. It was like the way he said he didn't know meant he did know as confusing as that sounds Grin like he was suggesting I should say it.

Relationships are so much fun, you think things are going well then BAM it's over, too much bloody hassle if you ask me!

OP posts:
ofshoes · 23/01/2015 11:47

Why on earth would anyone want to know? I'd rather set fire to my pubes than hear anything about a partners sex life prior to us getting together

TheCowThatLaughs · 23/01/2015 11:52

My horrible abusive controlling bastard of an ex interrogated me about my past sexual partners. It left me feeling violated and really upset. Wish I'd LTB at that point instead of 10 years later!!!

TooOldForGlitter · 23/01/2015 11:56

Don't let yourself be swayed OP. I wish I had been on MN when I met my ex-h. He asked me about my past when we met and called me a "slapper" when I told him the truth. Being 17 and very stupid, I thought it was a sign of how much he lurved me, coz he was jealous of my past y'know? It turned out he was just a bog-standard controlling jealous arsehole who I wasted near 10 years with. Score for me! Hmm

Don't do the same OP. Don't let him talk you round, and say he was just jealous. He showed you a hint of what will come if you stay with him. Onwards and upwards.

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 11:58

That's very sad and concerning to hear Cow, sounds like a recurring theme of abusive ex's doing the same interrogation.

Something I just remember he said was along the lines of "so you were in a relationship with X for 4 years and Z for 2, how did you FIND THE TIME for the others that you slept with" Shock forgot about that one!
My favourite bit is that we've both been sexually active for the same number of years and he's slept with double the amount I have. Maybe I should have enquired how he found the time Hmm but I suppose he isn't a woman that is chained to the kitchen of course... I definitely think this is a sexism issue. I can't imagine him finding it so repulsive that a male had sex so young!

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 12:01

Definitely onwards and upwards glitter Smile that made me feel a lot better!

I bloody love MN Envy it's been such a massive help for me and I've only been on for about a year under a few names.

OP posts:
TooOldForGlitter · 23/01/2015 12:07

You can do it. Nobody is doubting that it will be difficult and you'll feel hurt, but imagine how much harder it will be further down the line if you ignore this and let things carry on.

Fudgeface123 · 23/01/2015 12:11

Oooo definitely get rid and let us know how it goes when you do Grin

GoatsDoRoam · 23/01/2015 12:14

Of course you'll miss him: you've bonded. It's normal to miss someone when a bond is several.

But as you say, his insecurity and issues are his and not for you to be dragged down with.

wallypops · 23/01/2015 12:23

I was very sexually active in my youth but have only had 5 partners in the last 24 years. I think these types of questions are really a no go area, they only lead to misery and taking me as an example youthful behaviour isnt necessarily or even likely to be how we go on through life.

BertieBotts · 23/01/2015 12:26

No, he would probably be impressed that a man had had sex young Hmm My ex was a bit like that too. Thought women were "slags" if they had so much as shown interest in men ever whereas he was the big man because he reckoned he'd shagged the 30 year old babysitter when he was 15. Errrrr, no.

Also said to me once "I think men shouldn't get married before they're 25, because they need life experience". (He was 25, I was 20) I said, WTF, what about women? No apparently women don't need life experience Confused

BolshierAyraStark · 23/01/2015 13:26

Yep definitely get rid, he shouldn't have asked if he couldn't deal with the answer.

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 14:11

I'm absolutely dreading it even though I know it's for the best.
I was starting to love him Confused

Tomorrow will most probably be the day I do it, I'm scared. Although I think I'm even more worried I won't go through with it and get trapped like I have in the past

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 23/01/2015 14:25

You can do it. You know the reasons, and you are strong enough.

You may have gotten trapped in the past, but we learn from our mistakes.

zipzap · 23/01/2015 14:28

Hmm. If he's been sexually active the same number of years as you and has had twice the number of partners as you have, what would he have said if you had said that he's not the person you thought he was as a result of this information?

And what does it say about him and what he thinks about the women he's been sleeping with if he thinks that you being sexually active for the same number of years as him (I get that he might be older than you and thus maybe started later) - does he expect everybody else to be late starters and just sleep with a few people whilst he sleeps with lots more and judges them?

Sorry, not explaining myself very well. But sounds like he has a massive problem and double standards about men and womens behaviour. And also sounds like you are lucky to discover this relatively early on rather than years down the line when it would be a whole lot more difficult to extricate yourself. Sad

gemdrop84 · 23/01/2015 14:33

Red flag for me, my ex did similar in that he made a massive scene as he interrogated me (at a family party-my family, btw!) about past relationships then went ballistic when I told him about a casual relationship I'd had with a few men over the years. He didn't agree with it and then deemed me untrustworthy from then on. He was insecure, jealous and eventually emotionally abusive which wore me down to nothing and I was only with him for a year. Fast forward to now, nearly 9 years together with dh and we don't know the full details of each others past.

Nextwednesday · 23/01/2015 14:41

I think it does come up in a new relationship quite naturally but I never tell.

The problem is his reaction. That's awful.

purpleponcho · 23/01/2015 14:43

Your boyfriend is warped in his thinking IMO. I'd get rid.

Jackieharris · 23/01/2015 14:45

Red flag. Get out.

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 14:51

I seriously need to read and reread all of your responses over and over.
It's going to kill me to think I'll never see him again but I have to do it!

I just keep wondering if it's the tip of the iceberg too and I suspect it is. In both of my previous relationships after months and months of emotional abuse I have looked back to the red flags at the beginning of the relationship and they've been minute in comparison to this.
And to be honest he's wave a few other red flags, this isn't the only one that there has been!

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 23/01/2015 14:55

Red flag. Outta there.

Who do these men think they're sleeping with? I presume he slept with women. How can all women sleep with less men than the other way around? Perhaps he thinks there's a nice little gaggle of up for it women who don't count who're getting the numbers up. Basic averages. It doesn't work.

Stock response "don't know, don't remember, don't care/doesn't matter". That's the response I would like to hear, too. I am very dubious about people who've managed to sleep with a lot of people (whatever that is) and keep count. Seems a bit weird. Perhaps my memory is just shit but you have to make an effort after a certain point (to remember numbers, orders, times, places) and that stinks of immature point scoring to me. Doesn't translate to likelihood of disease/infection, cheating, compatibility or experience/"skill". Meaningless!

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