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Original poster

New partners quizzing your previous sex life

146 replies

ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 10:42

Last night my boyfriend started quizzing me about previous sexual partners, not about whether they were good etc but when it was and if they were a boyfriend or ONS.

It made me extremely uncomfortable and he wasn't pleased with what he heard as I lost my virginity at an extremely young age.
Personally I do not see the issue because I'd prefer to have had sex young with a boyfriend when I felt ready to, than for example wait til my 20s and maybe jump into bed with anyone because I felt desperate to get it over with! But if I'd done the latter I can't imagine it would have been an issue Hmm
He said that I'm not the person he thought I was (nice!) which is pretty much him saying I'm a slag.
I can't see the relationship lasting much longer but that's another story.

Anyway back to the thread!
Do you think it's ok for a partner to ask anything about your sexual history?
Is it always a red flag if they ask or is it sometimes ok?
Would you ever ask them yourself or be happy to answer them?
If you cheated in a previous relationship should you tell your new partner or is it irrelevant?

Personally I don't really want to know about a boyfriends sexual encounters, I don't see why you'd want to know!

OP posts:
Bumbiscuits · 23/01/2015 14:56

I knew DH for years before we got together so I know at least 5 of his exes/flings, then there are the ones I don't know. I'd never ask, it is none of my beeswax. It works both ways.

Once you're in the right relationship I think the past sex life stories/bed post notches are just not that interesting and certainly not relevant to the present.

PasstheDaimbars · 23/01/2015 14:59

Who exactly do these men think they're sleeping with when they have casual relationships??

Bumbiscuits · 23/01/2015 15:04

Who exactly do these men think they're sleeping with when they have casual relationships??

Exactly. It is the same when you read of surveys that say something like 50% of blokes have had more than 20 partners but only 20% of women have had more than 20 partners. There must be some seriously busy ladies out there Grin Grin

dirtybadger · 23/01/2015 15:09

pulls pants up "Nexxxxxt"

RockinHippy · 23/01/2015 15:11

Huge red flag - RUN !!

bobbywash · 23/01/2015 15:14

I actually dont have a problem with anyone asking, but if you ask about someones history, you have to be prepared

  1. To be told to f**k off, it's none of your business
  2. To hear something you don't like
  3. To recipricate about your own.

However under no circumstances if yo ask are ou entiled to get "judgy" no matter what the answer. If your history, before you knew someone is an issue for them, well it's their problem and the end of it.

loiner45 · 23/01/2015 15:29

red flag - definitely - my exH evidently has justified leaving me (after 25+ yrs) because he knew he was never my first love and if my first love hadn't left the country and then died I would have married him not my exH. nothing to do with exH meeting OW WTF. First love was a one sided crush that left 6 yrs before I met exH and he died after we'd been married 6 yrs.

As for the guys where there was actually a relationship - he was an arse when they were around, which given some of them were part of a large circle of friends meant I began distancing myself from those friends .

Get rid!

Jackiebrambles · 23/01/2015 15:32

Ick, definite red flag. Ditch him!

I have never asked my DH, I would never ask him. He has never asked me. It's just not necessary.

Fair enough if someone is curious and you are happy to tell but to actually JUDGE someone on it. Fuck off to the far side of fuck :)

OhMrGove · 23/01/2015 15:59

One ex did similar. I wish I had left then. It got worse, so much worse.

Run.

supernaut · 23/01/2015 16:01

I can't even remember my own never mind DPs.
I think we probably discussed it when first met, but it wasn't that big a deal to me so I haven't remembered.

Golferman · 23/01/2015 16:04

Can't speak for anyone else but my wife and I often discuss this(we have been together 41 years). When we first met we both totted up the number of BF/GF we had had and discussed our pretty active love lives. Was good fun and gave us a good laugh, no jealously on either side as we both believe it happened before we met so no bearing at all on our relationship. For us it is part of sharing everything. Just my opinion/experience. As I have stated on other threads, we also have an open marriage and are swingers and are always comparing/discussing our experiences Grin

ZombieApocalypse · 23/01/2015 16:08

I don't have a problem with a partner asking but if they then want to use it as a stick to beat me with then they can fuck right off.

Made a massive mistake telling one ex (who in retrospect I should have realised was insecure, jealous and controlling) and he kept on and on about it for months. He virtually demanded I give him a list along with explanation of what went wrong/why it was an ONS/did I regret it Y or N? Then it was questions about what specific acts I'd done with them. Apparently, when I refused and said MYB, I was being 'secretive' and 'lying'. Hmm

If your sexual history makes him think less of you, that's his problem to deal with.

LittleMissRayofHope · 23/01/2015 16:35

DH and I have never exchanged stories, numbers or names. I have no desire to know or tell and neither does he. We know each other has a past but it's none of mine/his business.

My ex had immense issues over my (quite limited) past experiences but thought his sordid past was an excellent conversationally piece. He seemed to think ur was acceptable for him to have a history but hated mine and made sure I knew it. bastard

TooOldForGlitter · 23/01/2015 16:41

Don't cave Prof. Think of all the threads you have read on here over the years, how many times have you sat there and thought to yourself, get out woman, can't you see what this gimp is. Don't let yourself be in the position where 12 months from now we are reading another thread from you, the one in which you forgave him and he was 'good' for a while and then it started up again, the comments, the subtle digs, the attempts at control...don't let that happen for you.

Any man who passes judgement on the choices a woman has made in her sexual history will almost certainly turn out to be one of the arseholes. This is your chance to start afresh. Take it.

tumbletumble · 23/01/2015 16:54

I'm a bit surprised by all the responses. DH and I know about each other's past sex lives (not the gory details obviously). I kind of assumed most couples had the chat at some point.

tumbletumble · 23/01/2015 16:54

Agree that judging you for it is a no no though.

TooOldForGlitter · 23/01/2015 16:59

It isn't about having the chat tumble, it's about how he responded. As PPs have said, most people (if deciding to talk about past experiences) will have a laugh, or pass no comment at all. This bloke has decided that based on what OP told him that she isn't the person he thought she was. Ergo, she's one of those nasty slappers who have actual sex with men Shock

dirtybadger · 23/01/2015 17:08

I'm sure lots of couples do have that chat. No one has said they don't. I've talked to people about sexual history. Fine as long as neither are insecure/jealous types and it's light hearted. I'm just not bothered and some people find it sort of sexy. Never "quizzed" though! A two way conversation and with neither pressed nor divulging more than comes naturally (because no pressure). The OP's problem isn't that they're not open with each other, it's that he is a judgmental misogynist.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 17:29

I said I don't, nor do I expect it of a partner

I have no interest and I don't care.

dirtybadger · 23/01/2015 17:39

No I mean no one said "couples don't talk about that"..."under no circumstances should they".

expatinscotland · 23/01/2015 17:40

PLEASE get rid, TODAY! You are already 'dreading it'? This guy is an arsehole. A major one.

YonicScrewdriver · 23/01/2015 17:55

OP, have you read Reality's excellent stickied post if you feel you are just exchanging grade 4 arseholes for grade 3 arseholes?

Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 17:57

Expatinscotland - I know he sounds awful but he really isn't, he's extremely nice and thoughtful (unless it's an act but I doubt it) but he's just incredibly insecure because of something about his appearance which I can understand to some degree. He seemed very confident when we first met but it seems he has some serious insecurity issues.

Not a nasty vindictive person etc though!

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2015 17:59

I'm sorry yonic I don't understand! Which post are you meaning?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 18:00

Yonic means this fab sticky thread