DH isn't abusive or unkind but I feel overpowered and confused by him. Help!

[adifferentnameforme]

I am feeling really confused about my marriage, and I really want to get an outside perspective on how I can fix things (or not). I need an outsider's perspective. I don't have any close family (only child, only my mum left and she is not someone to discuss problems with) or close friends sadly. He is so subtle that I can't decide whether any of the things he does are deliberate or if they even exist but I feel all the time like I am going a bit crazy.

Backstory: I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 33. At that age, I was extremely immature, unconfident and insecure and only just really learning who I was. We were married 2 years later, and now we've been married for 15 years (I'm 40 now). We have two children aged 10 and 4. He's an amazing man, extremely intelligent, not from the UK, lived in many countries, speaks several languages fluently and several others well. He's a flamboyant and enthusiastic cook and makes friends with all kinds of people effortlessly. He was so different to anyone I'd ever met before and I adored him. We started out as friends but quickly fell in love and within weeks he said he was going to marry me.

I still love him very much and really don't want to hurt him. He's a great father (apart from one thing I write about below) and the children adore him.

And yet I feel like I want to get away from him because he kind of sucks all the life out of me. Currently I've been able to be a SAHM for a while I am very grateful for, but I'm now wanting to go back to work because I need some independence and interaction with other people.

The key issues:

• We haven't had sex for 4 years. Yes, YEARS. Basically the last time was when DS was conceived. The same happened after DD was born. We didn't have sex for years until it was convenient to have a second child. This makes me feel desperately unhappy to be honest. I've tried to talk to him about it but he says he just doesn't feel like it because he's overweight. He says he still thinks I'm attractive but he has no sex drive. That's the end of the discussion. We're basically roommates at this point and he's fine with that.

• He controls all our finances, even when I was the breadwinner for the family. When we moved to this country, he knew the country and the language and I was overwhelmed with my first baby, so I just left him to it. Until recently, my name wasn't even on our bank account. We now have a joint account but I don't have my own credit card, he controls that.

• He talks to me as though I am stupid. Very subtly and it's made out to all be jokes. But it undermines my confidence and I find myself becoming this dizzy chaotic silly person that he treats me like, even though I have a PhD and as I said kept the family afloat while he retrained. Because we live abroad, my career basically died and I haven't been able to find a job that I love, but I have slogged away and earned good money anyway.

• (This is a biggie for me): He talks to DD the same way. This slightly teasing, jokey but insidious "you are so stupid" tone. I really can't describe it better than that. He thinks that DS is "intellectual" (he's 4!) and DD isn't. I really dislike the way he speaks to her more and more. He is getting much worse as she gets older. He is a teacher and always talking about how ditsy the girls he teaches are and how DD is just like them. And he always seems to be picking on her, just finding something wrong to comment on.

• When I try to discuss anything with him, I always end up feeling confused and wrong. I can't explain it, but somehow it all turns around to where his point of view is the right one and I somehow had it all a bit wrong. I try so hard to stand up for myself and be assertive but I get myself all turned around and dizzy almost every time. I end up feeling guilty for even thinking whatever point I wanted to make. If he does concede he makes a big deal about how he is doing what I want.

• He's totally self-absorbed. He has an office in our apartment where he spends at least 80% of the time he is at home. Sometimes he is working, but equally often he's playing computer games or streaming TV shows. He's totally disinterested in buying anything for the children or taking photographs or improving our living situation. I had to fight for YEARS to buy DD her own bed. The only pictures I have of myself when I was pregnant last time are selfies.

• He has continuously refused to talk to me in the language of the country we live in. I have learned the language, even though I make a lot of grammatical mistakes, and have tried talking to him in the language. He always answers me in English, even when I ask him not to. This seems like a small thing, but I don't know if this is another way of subtly making me feel stupid.

• He used to be funny and misanthropic in an amusing way, but he is becoming more and more simply nasty. He is pretty homophobic and is always so rude about women on TV. And in front of the DCs. He swears all the time in front of them and to them as well (e.g. what the fuck are you doing? or what is this fucking shite you're watching?) This sounds AWFUL when I see it written down.

This is so long, I'm trying to get it straight in my head. Is any of this so bad? I don't know if I'm even describing any of this in a way that makes sense. This is the problem - it doesn't make sense. I can't get a grip on what is wrong or why I am feeling this way. Can anyone help me at all?

Hi OP another one delurking to say am reading, and will keep reading and cheering you on.

In your last update you say "something is going on here". Yes it is, and that something is what has been going on all this time - your husband is a mysogynistic, abusing control freak who has been putting you down all your relationship and your daughter all her life and now as she is getting older and starting become more independent, he will only ramp this up because in his mind she is having the temerity to try to step outside of her box.

I know this realisation has come out of the blue for you, but I wanted to say how pleased I am for you that you are not in denial about anything anyone has said - you see it plain. So now the question is, when are you going to do something about it? As has been said above, do not even contemplate trying to 'fix' this within the relationship; it's not fixable, because this is who your husband is - you're just seeing it properly for the first time. You need to get out and take your children with you.

ashaaima yes do please start your own thread sweetheart we'd be happy to talk to you there.

You've had a lot of depression since you've been with him? Not surprising, is it. Whether or not you would have had depression, you can bet his abuse will have made you depressed.

Everyone's said it - he's a controlling abuser - and I'm sorry you're facing this, especially in another country. But what I have to say is about dd. It's hard for me to say this but: if you don't do something very soon she will go on to have a lifetime of very serious problems. She will, anyway, go through difficulties (because of her dad's abuse) but the sooner you address this and remove her from him the better. Every moment he sticks the knife into her is a significant wound which can take years to heal.

I would suggest he not only went for your youth but, in that creepy way abusers have, knew you had already been abused (by your father). I don't know how they do it but they have a 6th sense for someone who is ripe for abuse. I'm sure you realise your daughter could well end up in a very similar relationship, just as her mother did. xx Your son is on track to become an abuser himself if you don't remove him from your husband's poisonous influence.

He loathes women is the bottom line. Whether or not he's gay - too convenient imo - he loathes you and will shame every possible thing about you. I found the book 'Men who hate women and women who love them' by Susan Forward very helpful when I was planning to leave a man like your husband (the loveliest, kindest man on the planet... to other people). Please also access the Freedom Programme online - it's where the 'Headworker' info came from and is a fantastic course.

re getting away from him: you won't know yourself. Life suddenly becomes very simple and uncomplicated. yy there may be financial difficulties - but you already know about those don't you?

Can you get into his office to get important documents - like passports, bank statements etc? If he's there 80% of the time I doubt it's going to be easy.

Keep going, lovely. You can do it. Plenty of us have

oops, sorry about such a long post!

Another one here following your story you are such a strong intelligent woman, I know you can do this for you and your children. Please keep us all updated we are all sending you hugs and hope xx

Let the incident with your DD be the final straw OP.

Another one delurking here.

You can do this, and when you do you will find yourself. Your dd is suffering now, and your ds will either become another victim of this horrible horrible man, or will emulate him.

You are so close to freedom. Keep going; you'll get there

Thank you everyone. I am reading and absorbing. Feeling devastated to be honest. I am taking it one day at a time or I get overwhelmed.

I have signed up for the online version of the Freedom Programme. I'm figuring out finances. I promise I will do whatever it takes to keep the DCs safe.

oh that's great news OP. Keep talking to us here as well - we're listening xxx

Little steps, adifferentname, little steps. You're doing fine.

From the state of his office/what should be a bedroom, do you think he is a hoarder of sorts? And yes, you are a lovely soul coping with a really difficult environment. I have no doubts that you will protect DC

Delurking, to encourage you to go online & find out what financial help you can get & if there is a social services you can ring. Is it a European country ?
At least you are married & will have some kind of rights when you divorce, because yes, divorce is the only road.
Where were you married ? do the DCs have UK passports ? if they are entitled to UK passports & you haven't got them, go on line & get them, there is a whole bunch of info you will need now; the grandparents DOB, Marriage place & date, their full names etc, but you can get this, tell H that it's so that they have dual nationality, blah blah blah, (I may be wrong in assuming he is not English ?, sorry if this the case). So depending on their nationality, where you were married, where they were born, will make a lot of difference as to the moves you can make.
I realize this has come as a huge awakening, but I fear that time is precious & you must remove your DD from your husband's noxious influence.
Does separating for you equate returning to the UK ?
Work on it step by step, plan your exit slowly & surely, keep your DD under your wings, try & explain to her that it is not fair.

Hi Adifferentname.

I read your OP and the thread yesterday, and have been thinking of you on and off all evening and overnight. I hope you are ok this morning.

Your story resonates very strongly with me. I was in a similar relationship to yours, although not for as long, and I left it last year. It was the best thing I have ever done.

The things you list in your OP are classic abuse - but I think you've realised that.

For a long time, I blamed myself for it all. I hope you don't fall into that trap, as NONE of it is your fault. You have been "trained" to think this way. The best thing you can do is rescue yourself and your DCs, and build a happier life.

I didn't think my DCs noticed anything, but after he left, little things they said made me realise they had seen how unhappy I was, how unfair things were, and how unkind ex DP was. Luckily, in my case, he isn't their dad so we can have no contact now. Even still, we have work to do to mend the damage he did to them. Your DCs will be picking things up too, and if they are anything like my DCs, they will love nothing better than to see you recover and bloom once you are out of this toxicity.

Have you heard of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? - it is an excellent book, about abusive, angry men. Bancroft is a psychiatrist (I think) who works with abusive men. One of his big points is that nothing will change unless the abuser acknowledges his abuse, takes ownership of it, and responsibility. Even then, Bancroft argues that an extensive, specialist programme aimed at abusers is required to really make an abuser change a lifetime's behaviours. That book really opened my eyes and gave me the courage to get out. Later, I also read a book about recovering from an abusive relationship, which really helped - "it's MY life now" by Dugan and Hock.

You really do deserve so much more than this OP. You describe a life of walking on eggshells, living in fear of your DH's moods. It is no life for you, and it is no life for your DCs.

The meals and big holidays thing is not a surprise at all for me, Ive been in a relationship with one of these guys (and there are many, you are not alone OP) and its absolutely crucial to them that they APPEAR GREAT to other people. So they love to do the big visible gestures "Look how great I am, look at what I provide, I am such a good provider".
They don't know that some of that money they are seeing being spent on you is YOUR money.

They also love to look better by making you look worse "I provide these big holidays even though SHE cant even keep a clean house". They don't know that the house isn't clean because its full of HIS junk.
Maintaining this outwards happy happy home, perfect perfect marriage is very important to them, he will beat you down to ensure that you dont even think of contradicting him or exposing the truth.

Hes not taking you on holiday for YOU, hes doing it for the promotional brochure his friends are seeing of The Perfect Life. Dont be fooled.

Stormtreader how did you get out of it yourself? x

Bit of a late reply here, and its not cheery im afraid - eventually he pushed me too far and forgot to block the door like he usually did and I literally escaped and turned up on a local friends doorstep covered in the food hed shoved my head into. I thank my lucky stars he pushed it that far otherwise who knows how long i would have wasted with him, I was with him 4 years.

oh wow, stormtreader ... what an awful experience but you know what? If you are permanently out of his control how can that be anything other than totally cheery!? Sorry you had to go through that, though. Delighted you are free!

Good luck and keep strong

Honestly the only thing I regret is the 4 years I lost - it taught me an important lesson about what I will and wont put up with from people, and that putting up with something one day at a time can mean that you stay in a bad situation for far too long, or conversely that you can get through anything to get to a better time - for good or bad, a year is just one day at a time. :)