DH isn't abusive or unkind but I feel overpowered and confused by him. Help!

[adifferentnameforme]

I am feeling really confused about my marriage, and I really want to get an outside perspective on how I can fix things (or not). I need an outsider's perspective. I don't have any close family (only child, only my mum left and she is not someone to discuss problems with) or close friends sadly. He is so subtle that I can't decide whether any of the things he does are deliberate or if they even exist but I feel all the time like I am going a bit crazy.

Backstory: I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 33. At that age, I was extremely immature, unconfident and insecure and only just really learning who I was. We were married 2 years later, and now we've been married for 15 years (I'm 40 now). We have two children aged 10 and 4. He's an amazing man, extremely intelligent, not from the UK, lived in many countries, speaks several languages fluently and several others well. He's a flamboyant and enthusiastic cook and makes friends with all kinds of people effortlessly. He was so different to anyone I'd ever met before and I adored him. We started out as friends but quickly fell in love and within weeks he said he was going to marry me.

I still love him very much and really don't want to hurt him. He's a great father (apart from one thing I write about below) and the children adore him.

And yet I feel like I want to get away from him because he kind of sucks all the life out of me. Currently I've been able to be a SAHM for a while I am very grateful for, but I'm now wanting to go back to work because I need some independence and interaction with other people.

The key issues:

• We haven't had sex for 4 years. Yes, YEARS. Basically the last time was when DS was conceived. The same happened after DD was born. We didn't have sex for years until it was convenient to have a second child. This makes me feel desperately unhappy to be honest. I've tried to talk to him about it but he says he just doesn't feel like it because he's overweight. He says he still thinks I'm attractive but he has no sex drive. That's the end of the discussion. We're basically roommates at this point and he's fine with that.

• He controls all our finances, even when I was the breadwinner for the family. When we moved to this country, he knew the country and the language and I was overwhelmed with my first baby, so I just left him to it. Until recently, my name wasn't even on our bank account. We now have a joint account but I don't have my own credit card, he controls that.

• He talks to me as though I am stupid. Very subtly and it's made out to all be jokes. But it undermines my confidence and I find myself becoming this dizzy chaotic silly person that he treats me like, even though I have a PhD and as I said kept the family afloat while he retrained. Because we live abroad, my career basically died and I haven't been able to find a job that I love, but I have slogged away and earned good money anyway.

• (This is a biggie for me): He talks to DD the same way. This slightly teasing, jokey but insidious "you are so stupid" tone. I really can't describe it better than that. He thinks that DS is "intellectual" (he's 4!) and DD isn't. I really dislike the way he speaks to her more and more. He is getting much worse as she gets older. He is a teacher and always talking about how ditsy the girls he teaches are and how DD is just like them. And he always seems to be picking on her, just finding something wrong to comment on.

• When I try to discuss anything with him, I always end up feeling confused and wrong. I can't explain it, but somehow it all turns around to where his point of view is the right one and I somehow had it all a bit wrong. I try so hard to stand up for myself and be assertive but I get myself all turned around and dizzy almost every time. I end up feeling guilty for even thinking whatever point I wanted to make. If he does concede he makes a big deal about how he is doing what I want.

• He's totally self-absorbed. He has an office in our apartment where he spends at least 80% of the time he is at home. Sometimes he is working, but equally often he's playing computer games or streaming TV shows. He's totally disinterested in buying anything for the children or taking photographs or improving our living situation. I had to fight for YEARS to buy DD her own bed. The only pictures I have of myself when I was pregnant last time are selfies.

• He has continuously refused to talk to me in the language of the country we live in. I have learned the language, even though I make a lot of grammatical mistakes, and have tried talking to him in the language. He always answers me in English, even when I ask him not to. This seems like a small thing, but I don't know if this is another way of subtly making me feel stupid.

• He used to be funny and misanthropic in an amusing way, but he is becoming more and more simply nasty. He is pretty homophobic and is always so rude about women on TV. And in front of the DCs. He swears all the time in front of them and to them as well (e.g. what the fuck are you doing? or what is this fucking shite you're watching?) This sounds AWFUL when I see it written down.

This is so long, I'm trying to get it straight in my head. Is any of this so bad? I don't know if I'm even describing any of this in a way that makes sense. This is the problem - it doesn't make sense. I can't get a grip on what is wrong or why I am feeling this way. Can anyone help me at all?

The way he talks to DD makes my blood run cold these days. It has changed somehow, really nasty and it hurts her a lot. I wonder if it is her age as she's nearly 11 and clearly growing up, no longer his little girl. This morning he blamed her very unfairly and meanly for something very clearly not her fault. She is really upset.

I've started keeping a record of these incidents as a PP suggested.

I'm feeling really scared of the future. Yes I really do need to "grow a pair". I've been lying to myself in many ways.

Lightacandle your experience resonates with me as my father was quite a narcissistic abusive person too. I don't think he hated women, he just hated everyone! My mother has no sense of her own self at all and almost 13 years after his death still refers to herself as "we" and is paralysed to make any decisions for herself because he's not there to confirm them.

I was brought up to believe my opinions and and feelings were stupid and I am over-sensitive and weak. So they pretty much moulded me for this situation and I wanted something different for my DD.

Now DH speaks to her the same way my father spoke to me and it chills me. I want to be an example of a strong woman for her, but I don't feel strong at all.

I started seeing a therapist before Christmas (DH doesn't know as we can't really afford it). I trust her and I'm thinking of emailing my op to her.

I am so glad to hear that the fig is lifting for you, and to hear your plan about benefits and job-hunting. All the ways in which you stand on your own two feet are precious.

Yes, your H's behaviour with your DD will become worse and worse, as she affirms herself as her own person and he tries to quash that.

In addition to your counsellor, can you open up to a trusted and supportive friend? You could also seek advice from Women's Aid, eg. for specialist family law solicitors in your area. And gather financial information on salary, savings, house deeds...

You need to get yourself and your DD out. She cannot walk out on her own, from this home life which is damaging her, so you must do it for her.

You can do it. And there is help out there if you reach out for it.

*fog

In your OP you describe yourself as an immature 22year old & him as basically a man of the world.

It seems to me as if your lack of experience was very attractive to him - a more assuredwoman would've told him to fuck off straight away.

He knows he's punching above his weight & he's trying to keep you as that immature 22yo. Don't let him.

I just want to add a voice of support to your thread name - you have taken a very important step.

This is one of those threads where you read the OP and just want to air-lift the poster out of the situation, because it sounds completely untenable in the short term, let alone the long term.

You don't need to leave the total arsehole immediately if you're not ready, but we'll all be here for you when you do decide to.

Hand holding.
I've been in a similar situation, concentrate on realising that this isn't normal and getting yourself stronger.

Maybe the reason this awful abuser is getting harsher with DD is that she is now at trainable age. He needs to get her "in place" psychologically before teen hormones push her to rebel and reject, or at least question, his dominance. He needs to break her.

You need time to process this awakening of yours to the real nightmare that you are in. I'm sorry you're going through this. Given your DD's age and his escalation it might be that you have less time to save her from damage than you would like.

Excellent, you're seeing through his shite now and recognising him for the self-important misogynistic horrible little toad that he is.

See what happens if you call him out on his behaviour, perhaps in his language. He won't say "Sorry darling I didn't mean it like that", will he? More like "You're such a bore, can't take a harmless joke". Except it isn't harmless, is it?

Does he like jokes? Try "I am tired, and you are an arse. But in the morning I shall be rested". In his language.

Twat.

if not for you then consider leaving for your dd sake.

he is abusive and unkind. don't let yourself justify him - abusive people are nice some of the time... bullies can be nice some of the time ..the nasty/nice persona is very classic. the guy who beats or murders his wife doesn't murder her every day... the woman who belittles her partner doesn't do this all the time...

if he sees you getting concerned about to leave - he will do something nice for you.

see thru it.

look up "cycle of abuse".

Wow... the fake joviality dictates The Script. We-are-happy.
Even when you are not happy. It doesnt lwave room for you to come in with any grievances.

He really is a "self-important misogynistic horrible little toad"! Thanks for that it really made me smile when I was feeling low. And thanks everyone for the support and hand holding.

I feel exhausted and a bit unreal. Something has clicked in my head and I have been cleaning and decluttering like crazy since Saturday morning (the day before I posted). DH is incredibly untidy and a hoarder, and I had given up a bit, so everything was a state. Actually I think it was a reflection of my mental health.

I feel incapable of making decisions for myself. When I try to imagine leaving, I feel sad, but also great relief. I imagine a home without his clutter and constant negativity. That's too far ahead though. Now I need to remember how to be a functioning adult again. Tomorrow a trip to the office where I apply for benefits.

When I left my job in June I got quite a big share payout. Of course it went straight into the "joint" funds but not into the joint account, into a savings account in DH's name only. We are supposed to be buying some things for the children including long promised bicycles but he is just sitting on it. I suspect I will never see it again or he will blow it all.

I'm so glad this thread, and all the awesome people on this board, have been such a help and support to you. The realisation is happening that you've basically been duped for years, imo. He sounds a highly-skilled manipulator, not to mention an utter gobshite!! I guess you can see your marriage from a more objective angle now.....

But please get some legal advice re this money that is rightly yours. You trusted him. You've been betrayed. Non of this is your fault, of course. Who knows what his plans are? Does he normally blow money that should be going on the family? I'm just remembering what you said about fighting to get your daughter a bed! Another form of control, obv.

I dunno what country you're in but find out where you stand legally. At least you're married, which gives you more rights and security in that regard.

Stay strong and keep going. X

Thanks chimichanga. The truth is I have been unhappy for a (long) time but felt that I had no reason to be unhappy and so I should just try harder. In fact I remember having a conversation with my father saying I might have made a mistake getting married, and he's been dead for 13 years so it was a long while ago. I was brought up to believe that if I was unhappy it was my fault and I should just bloody well cheer up. So that's what I've tried to do. But now I am at the end of my tether, suddenly 40 and feeling as though this is it for the rest of my life.

I thought we had a good marriage and I was prepared to just put up with all the weirdness. I thought he was a good father and the children would be devastated if we split. And I also blamed myself for being miserable and useless. But when the little digs at DD got more and more frequent and nasty, and remind me so much of how my father used to talk to me, then I began to realise that maybe putting up with it was in fact the wrong thing to do.

I'm starting to think you and everyone else may be right, that he is a master manipulator, and maybe it's not just me being a weak idiot. Because honestly I do try to fight for what I want but somehow he is able to always make me feel that my opinion is stupid and wrong and of course he is right. Then I end up feeling dizzy and confused and living in continual cognitive dissonance.

For example when I gave him my share money, I wanted to make him happy, because I felt guilty for leaving my job. But even as I did it, I was thinking "you idiot" to myself.

He likes to spend money on flamboyant things like dinners out and big holidays. We are going on 3 very nice trips this year which I should be looking forward to but I will have to do all the packing and organising of 2 children and deal with carsickness and aeroplane boredom, while he still just throws a few t shirts in a bag and is ready to go. And in the meantime, I get told off for buying new shoes for the children and my jeans have holes in.

He loves to live in a mess, takes great pride in telling other people how messy our flat is. Which makes me feel like shit. Even when we were both working and earning a lot of money, he wouldn't even consider a cleaner. He doesn't like curtains or rugs, so we don't have any. He uses the third bedroom as his office, so DS is still in with us. Yes, I had to fight for a bed for DD and I've remember that in fact it was my mother who bought it in the end, not him (I wasn't working at that time).

I said before that he never gets angry, but the fact is that he doesn't need to. He only has to seem slightly miffed with me and I fall over myself trying to make things right with him again. Co-dependence? I don't know whether he has me well trained or whether the fault is really mine.

He is all sweetness and light at the moment. Maybe he has seen something changed in me. Today I begin to organise my finances and start looking for work. I am having a coffee soon with a friend who did divorce in this country, so I'm going to tell her what's going on.

This is so long, probably no one will read it, but I'm suddenly looking at everything that's happened through a new lens and it's coming into a different focus and just pouring out.

The fact that you heard yourself say 'You idiot' as you handed him the money means you, the sensible, strong, intelligent, articulate person that is adifferent is still in there! Find her and release her and her DCs. She deserves it after all this time trying hopelessly to appease this wanker!

Many are reading and supporting, write as much as you need to x

I am reading every word

That's fantastic that you're making steps in the right direction! Yes it's about regaining control and tipping the balance in your favour. I know it's hard when you've even been conditioned by parents, even prior to getting into this relationship. Parents have a lot to answer for imo!

It'll be great to find out the facts about where you stand. Are you even looking forward to these upcoming trips or would you rather not go, with circumstances as they are? Sounds like quite an ordeal if all the pressure is on you.....

A random thought, but would any form of assertiveness training be an option? It sounds like this could be helpful. You said you're having therapy you can't really afford, but he gets to go on 3 lovely trips in a year, while you do all the donkey work?! This guy has the cushiest existence doesn't he?

It's an absolute disgrace, how warped his priorities are and how he's mistreating you, I feel sooo p!ssed off on your behalf!!

But thank God you've seen the light and are willing to get out of this sorry situation. I wish you could see your true worth. We don't even know you, but anyone reading can tell you, you're worth so much more than this. X

"Everyone who knows him in real life think he's wonderful and assume we have a model happy marriage. "

I know it was a while ago you posted this but I just wanted to say, my dad was Mr wonderful, the life and soul etc. Until they split up. Then people who were closest to my mum were telling her how they never liked him! Some people might be aware he isn't that wonderful but they'd hardly tell his wife that.

You sound like you're doing really well op. I'm glad you started this thread.

Just read about your struggle getting a bed for your dd, and that ds is still in with you. I'm assuming this is because there's no bed for ds to go to.

Maybe having a child in the bed is a way for him to avoid sex. I do think pp who've said he might be gay have made a fair point. Though if he is, it does not excuse his treatment of you in any way.

Just delurking to wish you luck.

"Maybe having a child in the bed is a way for him to avoid sex."

Yy to this. If there is room for a 4 year old's bed in your room, isn't there room for his computer instead so your 4 year old can have the office.