DH isn't abusive or unkind but I feel overpowered and confused by him. Help!

[adifferentnameforme]

I am feeling really confused about my marriage, and I really want to get an outside perspective on how I can fix things (or not). I need an outsider's perspective. I don't have any close family (only child, only my mum left and she is not someone to discuss problems with) or close friends sadly. He is so subtle that I can't decide whether any of the things he does are deliberate or if they even exist but I feel all the time like I am going a bit crazy.

Backstory: I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 33. At that age, I was extremely immature, unconfident and insecure and only just really learning who I was. We were married 2 years later, and now we've been married for 15 years (I'm 40 now). We have two children aged 10 and 4. He's an amazing man, extremely intelligent, not from the UK, lived in many countries, speaks several languages fluently and several others well. He's a flamboyant and enthusiastic cook and makes friends with all kinds of people effortlessly. He was so different to anyone I'd ever met before and I adored him. We started out as friends but quickly fell in love and within weeks he said he was going to marry me.

I still love him very much and really don't want to hurt him. He's a great father (apart from one thing I write about below) and the children adore him.

And yet I feel like I want to get away from him because he kind of sucks all the life out of me. Currently I've been able to be a SAHM for a while I am very grateful for, but I'm now wanting to go back to work because I need some independence and interaction with other people.

The key issues:

• We haven't had sex for 4 years. Yes, YEARS. Basically the last time was when DS was conceived. The same happened after DD was born. We didn't have sex for years until it was convenient to have a second child. This makes me feel desperately unhappy to be honest. I've tried to talk to him about it but he says he just doesn't feel like it because he's overweight. He says he still thinks I'm attractive but he has no sex drive. That's the end of the discussion. We're basically roommates at this point and he's fine with that.

• He controls all our finances, even when I was the breadwinner for the family. When we moved to this country, he knew the country and the language and I was overwhelmed with my first baby, so I just left him to it. Until recently, my name wasn't even on our bank account. We now have a joint account but I don't have my own credit card, he controls that.

• He talks to me as though I am stupid. Very subtly and it's made out to all be jokes. But it undermines my confidence and I find myself becoming this dizzy chaotic silly person that he treats me like, even though I have a PhD and as I said kept the family afloat while he retrained. Because we live abroad, my career basically died and I haven't been able to find a job that I love, but I have slogged away and earned good money anyway.

• (This is a biggie for me): He talks to DD the same way. This slightly teasing, jokey but insidious "you are so stupid" tone. I really can't describe it better than that. He thinks that DS is "intellectual" (he's 4!) and DD isn't. I really dislike the way he speaks to her more and more. He is getting much worse as she gets older. He is a teacher and always talking about how ditsy the girls he teaches are and how DD is just like them. And he always seems to be picking on her, just finding something wrong to comment on.

• When I try to discuss anything with him, I always end up feeling confused and wrong. I can't explain it, but somehow it all turns around to where his point of view is the right one and I somehow had it all a bit wrong. I try so hard to stand up for myself and be assertive but I get myself all turned around and dizzy almost every time. I end up feeling guilty for even thinking whatever point I wanted to make. If he does concede he makes a big deal about how he is doing what I want.

• He's totally self-absorbed. He has an office in our apartment where he spends at least 80% of the time he is at home. Sometimes he is working, but equally often he's playing computer games or streaming TV shows. He's totally disinterested in buying anything for the children or taking photographs or improving our living situation. I had to fight for YEARS to buy DD her own bed. The only pictures I have of myself when I was pregnant last time are selfies.

• He has continuously refused to talk to me in the language of the country we live in. I have learned the language, even though I make a lot of grammatical mistakes, and have tried talking to him in the language. He always answers me in English, even when I ask him not to. This seems like a small thing, but I don't know if this is another way of subtly making me feel stupid.

• He used to be funny and misanthropic in an amusing way, but he is becoming more and more simply nasty. He is pretty homophobic and is always so rude about women on TV. And in front of the DCs. He swears all the time in front of them and to them as well (e.g. what the fuck are you doing? or what is this fucking shite you're watching?) This sounds AWFUL when I see it written down.

This is so long, I'm trying to get it straight in my head. Is any of this so bad? I don't know if I'm even describing any of this in a way that makes sense. This is the problem - it doesn't make sense. I can't get a grip on what is wrong or why I am feeling this way. Can anyone help me at all?

snap, Attila

"DH really dislikes and has been awful to her both times she has stayed with us."

A reminder that you're not crazy

6. Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spend with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them?

Hi Adifferentname, well everybody has said it all and I second the general consensus. I totally agree with the summing up of Cogito's analysis too.

Nothing you describe, adifferent, is normal whatsoever. I am still totally amazed at the sex issue! Surely you've challenged him on this because I am aghast tbh. This standalone topic itself, smacks of some much deeper problem with him, that's for sure, and would have been a red flag for me years ago. Aside from the "honeymoon period" you had at the beginning, you've only had sex twice, and he's explained his behaviour away by saying he has a low sex drive? He's never seen a Dr about this problem? This alone would surely finish off most marriages, if left unchecked.

Do you think he is a narcissist? He does sound very arrogant and self-absorbed. It also makes me wonder what his previous relationships with women were like, prior to meeting you....

It's extremely worrying the treatment he is doling out to your daughter ( as well as you obv ), and his general opinion of other females. It also sounds like he may intend to mould your son into his "mini me", if there is a huge disparity in his behaviour towards your kids. More red flags you are right to be concerned about. This cannot be allowed to go on. And the swearing like that is a sheer disgrace.

May I ask, is he a hands on dad, and do you enjoy plenty of family time when he isn't holed up in his room? Because this needs to be challenged obv too, if the answer is no. I am flabbergasted at your comment re a bed for your daughter btw!! OMG!

He does seem to have a serious power complex but his entire behaviour will be very damaging in the long run. Is there nobody else, colleagues of his, family etc who know of his strange behavioural traits and can offer any incite as to why he acts like he does? Were there problems growing up for e.g? I am amazed you've lasted as long as you have to be frank!

You need to regain the power balance within this relationship but, tbh, the future for your marriage does not look terribly bright. He doesn't sound the sort that would have an epiphany, when you tell him all the problems with his behaviour that you have told us. I can't imagine a huge turnaround whereby he takes all the facts onboard and changes his personality/behaviour to that of a normal, loving husband/dad.

BTW is he affectionate with you and the kids? Does he buy you all gifts on occasions, or "just because"? Does he pull his weight around the house re chores? Just trying to get more insight into the background, really, and what he's like day to day.

Best wishes in what you decided to do next, though. X

The cycle of abuse link is really helpful, thanks Attila and Anyfucker. It's the lack of anger and tension that confuses me. Anger is very rare, at least outwardly. Maybe it is all going on inside of him and I only see the results??? The rest of it is spot on.

Cogito, yes, when I first saw that question I though nah, never. But when I thought about it further I can see several incidences where that is in fact the case, my aunt being the most obvious.

I bet you'll see some anger when you start challenging/stop tolerating his behaviour!

He is outwardly angry, I'm sorry. You say he demonstrates his anger by swearing, making homophobic/sexist remarks and other nasty behaviour. That's a kind of 'once removed' verbal aggression which has the effect of being intimidating even though it isn't direct. He's also using passive aggression in the form of withering remarks dressed up as 'jokes'. That's another kind of deflected anger.

In other cases of domestic abuse you'll find men who attack 'things'... smashing objects or punching furniture... as a way to intimidate. It's similar.

Realise that the response you're getting here is not what you expected and that it is probably a lot to take in. There's a whiff of 'LTB' in the nostrils... and I don't think you're in that frame of mind yet. However, please do take a mental step back from the behaviour over the next days and weeks, judge it as dispassionately as you can manage, bear in mind things like that questionnaire or other links... and you may start to feel more confident that it really isn't you at fault here.

OP, even if you could put up with his behaviour yourself, consider this: if you don't get your DD out now she will have a greatly heightened chance of ending up married to someone who is just as much of an abusive dickhead, and the cycle will carry on for another generation.

I found your post quite jarring, because, aside from a couple of minor things, I could have written it. Even the 'answering in English' thing, and how weird is that...

Interestingly, from what you have said, I think your husband and mine both hail from the same Western European culture.

My comment about him being gay wasn't just based on the lack of sex in the marriage but that the only times that sex occurred was to produce a child.

The whole good guy persona is an act. It slips with you because you know him better than anyone else and he has given up keeping up appearances with you.

My thoughts would be if he is so encouraging you go away, what is he getting up to when you have gone and agree I don't think he has another woman.

You will be SO MUCH HAPPIER once you have left him. I remember that fog, the loss of self, the constant questioning (spaghetti head mess? was that from here?). I left when a) I had no idea what I really liked/wanted/who I was any more and b) I spent about 90% of my time fantasising about leaving him (or him dying so I didn't have to ). Interestingly now (3.5 years later) we get on really well, both much happier, listen to each other and co-parent well. He's learnt a lot from my leaving him and listened to that undeniable truth, he's in a relationship with a much more assertive person and they seem very good together; I've also started to own my own responsibility for what happened in our marriage (doesn't sound as applicable for you but can help to learn what not to do next time; though personally I'm loving being single). We were an awful match, not awful people (though a lot of his behaviour was awful, v similar to your H). Critically I think we're both MUCH better parents now.

Sounds like a headworker to me.

When we think about abuse, it's often in the form of a woman walking around with a black eye. It's harder to recognise it when it takes the form of a partner who belittles and undermines and keeps you off-balance.

It doesn't seem a very happy or satisfying relationship. Do you think he might be having some kind of long term affair. That's what would cross my mind. I think it's time you made plans to end the marriage. Hope things work out.

How depressing to be living like that!

Have you thought through the process of leaving?

I'm so so glad that I started this thread. I am quite teary with relief that it's not all in my head. You've given me permission to feel the things I feel.
It's eye opening to hear how other people view all the constant negativity and jokey put downs. And although I am a bit overwhelmed there's a part of me that is saying "you mean I really don't have to stay???"

I am going to start observing his words and actions from the pov of all your comments. And I am going to register with the benefits office and start looking for a job again so I am not completely isolated and dependent. I'm also going to be more honest with a couple of my friends.

Great to hear, OP! You're not alone with this. It's scary when you start to open your eyes, but it's also quite liberating. It might be worth starting to keep a diary (well hidden!) where you record the tiny incidents that seem to leave you disproportionately upset. You'll start to see that maybe your feelings aren't disproportionate at all...

yes, start talking to your friends about this

get it out in the open

it's not you, it's him

It really isn't you, OP. It's him being a nasty abusive wanker.

Don't you find it's a little bit scary that the marriage you thought was unique and private is documented in startling detail all over the internet, as though perfect strangers had been eavesdropping on those moments you thought nobody else ever saw? These behaviours are nothing new; sadly, there's a lot of it about. Enough for not only random questionnaires but whole websites, books, conferences and charities based around emotional abuse. Easy enough to spot bruises on the face; so much harder to spot them on the soul.

(I scored a clear 7 out of 9 in that questionnaire, btw.)

No, you don't have to stay, differentname.

I can't add to the advice you've had. But I want to say that words such as 'adore' and 'amazing' are real heart sinkers for me. That's because they so often point to a man who puts on a show of fake wonderfulness for people - and who is a standard, controlling, unpleasant bully behind closed doors.

You had to fight this amazing man and great father for years just to get a bed for your own daughter. A standard piece of basic furniture for a child. Says it all really.

Good luck with your plans, and do open up to your friends.

I really sympathise with you although can't really offer any advice except to talk to close friends. I also live abroad in my DH's home country and life has not been easy. Although to an outsider my life might seem very privileged my DH can be very controlling and we have very different views on parenting which have come to the forefront now that our DD is a teenager. I have recently confided in a close friend and that has really helped. I hope everything works out for you.

the FP questionnaire, is an eye opener isn't it ! I was amazed that I wasn't actually making it up !
Yes the financial abuse, yes ostracizing from family & friends, yes never satisfied, constant belittling...... you are in an EA relationship & there is only one happy way out, for you, for your children... the door.

My iPhone keeps crashing and losing my messages so I'll keep this short.

Been rereading the whole thread and there are so many people I would have liked to respond to but it's too many. So I'll just say thank you again. I feel as though a fog has lifted a bit from my eyes.

I will write more from my computer. I would like to keep this thread updated, if that's ok.

please do

The reason he doesn't get angry is that he has complete control of everything and that includes himself.
Life is a journey. As you go along this journey you need to grow and change as a person. If you are with someone that stifles that growth and change, you must leave or you will never be fulfilled and truly happy. He has had his own way for so long and is such a clever arch manipulator, the anger will soon show itself when you grow a set and do something about this miserable existence you are enduring along with your DCs. You are not wrong to feel this way but he has cut off your peers and points of reference so you do not realise. Leave and breathe and be happy.

Hi Adifferent
Much more experienced posters than me have already highlighted the abuse that's happening to you. I just thought I'd add my experience of growing up in a household where unfortunately my father disliked women. Very much boys were to be celebrated, girls were 2nd class. Emotional abuse of my mother (that I only completely realised through MN)
The result... great difficulties for the girls in our adult relationships. My sister is married to an abusive man. I spent years being nervous and uncomfortable around men, little confidence in general and difficulty in realizing what was/wasn't acceptable in a relationship. I suspect my brothers' attitudes to women are probably warped aswell. My mother married in her early 20s and was naïve , immature and I'm sure that was what my father wanted in order to 'mould' her.
It's a lot to take on at the moment, but I think esp for your DD, you need to strongly consider the future.