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Original poster

NC parents asking to meet DD - please advise.

104 replies

MillieH30 · 15/01/2015 15:49

By way of background, I have been NC with my parents for 8 years. After years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my M (can't bring myself to put "D" in front), they told me not to contact them any more.

The reasons being that I refused to lie for them in court or keep working in the family business (I was doing it unpaid to line their pockets) on top of my demanding day job. I had suspected for a long time that my M saw me as little more than a resource to be exploited and her demands were becoming increasingly irrational and unbearable. I was self harming as a way of trying to regain some control over my life.

When they shut me out, the hurt was overwhelming, as despite everything, I loved my parents. I though I was at fault as I couldn't make them love me however hard I tried. But with time I have realized that my life is happier, more contended and fulfilled without them. The downside is that they ostracized and punished any family member who has continued to speak to me, only re-establishing contact with my uncle last year.

2 years ago I had a DD. My parents have taken no interest and have not met her. However they have now communicated via my uncle that they wish to meet her. He has suggested that he takes her to a local coffee shop for half an hour to meet them. DD would be fine with this as she loves him and he has taken her out by himself before.

I am completely torn. On the one hand, she is too young to be manipulated by them and one meeting couldn't do her any harm. They are also now in their 70s and I dont know if I would feel guilty later on by depriving them of contact with their only grandchild. She will also obviously ask about her grandparents at some point and I don't want them to cause a rift later on by telling her that they were desperate to see her and I prevented it. On the other hand, I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life. Any wise words of advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Hurr1cane · 15/01/2015 15:52

Your DD needs you emotionally healthy first and foremost. If bringing your parents back into your life like this will put this in jeopardy then I wouldn't do it.

You don't have to jump to a decision.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 15:53

they want to meet your dd but not make any effort to build bridges to you? Infact they bullied anyone with contact with you.
I think you should tell them to get lost. why on earth would you want your dd to have a relationship with these people?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/01/2015 15:53

No.

If they are toxic and you don't want them in your life, then they sound like people you should also be protecting your DD from TBH.

And I am normally of the "you'll regret it when their dead" point of view. But not in your case.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/01/2015 15:56

I'm nc with my parents but with no dc & I wouldn't do it.

Mainly because they'd do to a child what they did to me & I couldn't allow that.

RandomNPC · 15/01/2015 15:59

Personally, I wouldn't. How dare they imperiously demand to see you daughter now. Guilt is one of those awful emotions that is too easily summoned in situations like this, but do you really want your child to establish relations with these people? They could live for another 20 years yet, that's plenty of time to do their damage.
I had two sets of GP; one pair lovely, one pair ghastly. I don't think I would have resented not seeing the dreadful ones.
In the end though, you know your situation best. Take advice from people for sure, but don't feel forced into any course of action that you aren't happy with.

HerRoyalNotness · 15/01/2015 16:06

I am NC with my Mother, no dear about it.

I have 2 DSs, she has only met the older when he was a few weeks old. I will not have her in our lives or my DSs lives. When they are grown, they can choose to see her.

My eldest does ask about her, and I just tell him that she was a very mean person to mummy, and we don't see her.

All contact is completely cut off with her. An aunt recently asked if she could send photo's of my DSs to her, as mother's H was trying to reconcile the family. Notice, the H was trying, not my mother. I said no. I recently had a tragedy and my dad asked if he should tell her, again I said no. If she can't be there for the good times, then I don't want her "support" in the bad.

Surreyblah · 15/01/2015 16:07

No way. If they were like that with you and still treating you badly why would you risk that with your dd?

I had a nc grandparent and am very glad it was that way. Contact with them was later sporadic and supervised, but that was after there was a semi-thawing of the relationship between them and my parent.

Meerka · 15/01/2015 16:12

They used you, bullied you, manipulated you and arranged for you to be cut off?

No, they don't get to see your daughter. She may be too young now, but she won't be for long.

And sorry, bullying, using, manipulative people don't get to eat cherry pie when they've forcefed their daughter poisoned meat over the years. Or to put it another way, if they treat you well then they can see your daughter. If they treat you badly, they can't.

I do not believe it is in the interests of any child to be in contact with bullying, manipulative, threatening and using people no matter who they are.

bluecheque4595 · 15/01/2015 16:13

I would be loath to leave a child with an uncle going to see someone you want nothing to do with, it puts the child in a vulnerable position and also the child will wonder where mum is. I would say, see the parents with your child, or not at all, don't put her in that position. What if they try and use her as a go between or say nasty things about you to her? Poor kid.

Meerka · 15/01/2015 16:13

By the way can you trust your uncle not to let them see her, if your daughter is alone with him?

LurkingHusband · 15/01/2015 16:15

Toxic parents use grandchildren against their children Sad.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 15/01/2015 16:16

No way.

How dare they?

Two words.

Fuck. You.

Do your DD one of the biggest favours you ever will and protect her from ever having to meet them. And as for them causing a rift - well, if you keep her away then they won't BE in her life to fuck with her mind.... but if you start a relationship (because this won't be a one-off, if you give in - they see you and yours to use and manipulate and so will continue to do so) then no matter how generous you will be in 'giving' her to them, they will STILL fuck with her mind. Because that's what people who can treat their own daughter like this do.

So if you want to see yourself in 10 years hearing your DD say 'Granny says you are wrong about x and that you can't tell me what to do when she says it's ok/Granny says you've always told lies and that's why they don't talk to you any more because you're bad' - then go right ahead, send her off to get to know them and start down that awful path again.

DeliciousMonster · 15/01/2015 16:17

What makes you think they won't see her as a resource to be exploited?

MinceSpy · 15/01/2015 16:19

So they want to see DD but not you? Nothing to feel torn about simply say no. I would also be very wary of the uncle having DD unsupervised in case he goes behind your back.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2015 16:20

No fucking way. NC is NC. They will exploit her and manipulate her.

Islander79 · 15/01/2015 16:21

Hell no! I am NC with my dad and see it as my job to protect my son from his shitty behaviour... what on earth would your child have to gain from having them in their life?

Stay strong.

iammargesimpson · 15/01/2015 16:24

Op, I can empathise with you on this as I am nc with my father and he recently demanded to see my dc, he last saw my 11 year old ds when he was three and he has never met my five year old ds. I thought long and hard about it, the pros were that he is not in great physical health and he is getting in in years, the cons were that he is very unpredictable in his moods, very mentally unstable, my dc were not missing out by not seeing him, the list just goes on. I eventually told him that I thought it was in their best interests not to start a relationship with him and as their parent it was my job to look out for them. The reaction was unbelievable and really confirmed I had made the right decision, he (and his dw) left nasty texts, voicemail messages and tried unsuccessfully to send me a registered letter (I refused to take it); why oh why would I want my children to spend time with people like that?

And I think that's what it boils down to, do you want your dd to spend time with people like that? Do you honestly think they've changed? Do you honestly think they will treat her better than they treated you? As she gets older, what will they be saying to her about you?

I wish you luck with your decision but I suspect you have already made up your mind and just need us to support you in that decision.

zzzzz · 15/01/2015 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NancyDroop · 15/01/2015 16:25

Don't do it OP! You will surely find yourself slipping back into the FOG. You said they reestablised contact with your uncle last year. Shortly after DD was born? They could be using him to get to DD and ultimately you. Don't walk into that trap.

Vivacia · 15/01/2015 16:26

Er, no.

The way for them to see her is to reconcile with you, regain your trust and then wait for you to suggest it.

Funny how they've not chosen that route.

SukieTuesday · 15/01/2015 16:27

If she were a few months old I might wobble about it but at 2 she's old enough to be upset by them. They're still ostracising you as Sunny said.

Given what you've said about the pressure they've put on other family members I would have someone like your DP or a good friend there to keep an eye on things if you choose to go ahead with it. It would insulate your Uncle as he wouldn't have to be the one walking out with your DD if they were unpleasant.

iammargesimpson · 15/01/2015 16:28

And it will definitely not stop at just one meeting.

PasstheDaimbars · 15/01/2015 16:28

No, no, no , no.

One time will turn in two then 3, then you'll be cruel for tearing them apart. . . .

She's not going to miss what she never has, and I honestly that there's no such thing as being to young to manipulate. Users/Abusers what ever you want to call them will start the process from the first minute that they can.

You are an adult, and can't make sense of why they are the way they are, you're LO is still at that stage where everyone is good and kind and adults wouldn't say things to be nasty, why ruin that?

As for the ' desperate to see her and I prevented it', they're not desperate, if they were they would attempt to develop a good & healthy relationship with you first.

Good Luck

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2015 16:33

Absolutely, unequivocally NO!

You are NC for a very good reason. Have they specifically asked to see her without you there or was this just your uncle's suggestion so that you wouldn't have to see them. Either way, even if I were to consider a meeting, there is no way in hell I would ever allow a child of mine to meet with a family member who had been abusive to me without my being present!

TheEponymousGrub · 15/01/2015 16:33

I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life
Well, do you want to bring them into your DD's life? There's a risk that they'd treat her as badly as they did you, or treat her ok but use her to get at you.

one meeting couldn't do her any harm...
...except for making it hard to refuse a second meeting, and where do you go after that?

Whatever you decide, you may wonder later if was the right choice; but if you decide now to keep your DD safe, then no-one can tell you later that you should have done differently. Her safety is your responsibility, whereas you owe your M nothing.