NC parents asking to meet DD - please advise.

[MillieH30]

By way of background, I have been NC with my parents for 8 years. After years of manipulation and emotional abuse from my M (can't bring myself to put "D" in front), they told me not to contact them any more.

The reasons being that I refused to lie for them in court or keep working in the family business (I was doing it unpaid to line their pockets) on top of my demanding day job. I had suspected for a long time that my M saw me as little more than a resource to be exploited and her demands were becoming increasingly irrational and unbearable. I was self harming as a way of trying to regain some control over my life.

When they shut me out, the hurt was overwhelming, as despite everything, I loved my parents. I though I was at fault as I couldn't make them love me however hard I tried. But with time I have realized that my life is happier, more contended and fulfilled without them. The downside is that they ostracized and punished any family member who has continued to speak to me, only re-establishing contact with my uncle last year.

2 years ago I had a DD. My parents have taken no interest and have not met her. However they have now communicated via my uncle that they wish to meet her. He has suggested that he takes her to a local coffee shop for half an hour to meet them. DD would be fine with this as she loves him and he has taken her out by himself before.

I am completely torn. On the one hand, she is too young to be manipulated by them and one meeting couldn't do her any harm. They are also now in their 70s and I dont know if I would feel guilty later on by depriving them of contact with their only grandchild. She will also obviously ask about her grandparents at some point and I don't want them to cause a rift later on by telling her that they were desperate to see her and I prevented it. On the other hand, I believe that my parents are toxic and don't want them back in my life. Any wise words of advice would be very gratefully received.

I would like to second Aussiebean's thoughts. How are they getting this info?

FUCK NO!

If they shut you out, they shut out and offspring you may have.

Tough shit. They made a choice.

Read your additional info. Still vote NO!

Viva I'm so sorry you are dealing with this same situation. Maybe read over all the comments and try to gather strength for yourself? You and your family deserve much better treatment!

That's a pretty resolute "no" then. Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

Even after all the good advice, I'm still in two minds as I'm not sure I could live with the guilt if anything happened to them and I hadn't given them at least a chance to make some amends with my DD. I had amazing wonderful grandparents and I'm so sad that my DD does not have that experience (DH's mum lives 400 miles away and although she loves DD is very strict with her). However I spoke to my uncle this morning and my parents haven't been chasing him to see whether the meeting will go ahead, so it may be that they've already lost interest and I won't need to make a decision.

Put your dd first, and put your parents out of your mind.

You know that if you let your uncle take her once, it will be a regular occurrence, with your uncle and your parents spending time with your dd. It will not end well.

Definitely agree with the 'No' consensus especially as I have a similar background in that my mother (and siblings) cut ME off for calling her out on the childhood abuse I suffered when she started on the name calling to my DCs, then decided that they would keep in contact with my DCs through texts, birthday cards etc.

I was shouted down a bit on here when I told my mother that, if she was cutting me off and refusing to discuss the issues I had that had led to my extreme anxiety and panic disorder, then it would not work that she still had contact with my DCs.

My mother professed to 'adore' my DCs but she cut them off too without a murmur, despite DD (18) sending them all Christmas cards this year (2nd Christmas NC) which were not even acknowledged even though she included her mobile number. Poor DD has learnt the hard way that they are not worth shit .

Best not to engage. These people don't care about the pain they cause. If your DD was to meet them and start a relationship with them, would you want them playing mind games with her too?

your grandparents may have been wonderful but I think you're confusing them with the reality of the sort of grandparents your daughter has.

I don't think you should feel guilty. I think myself that you should see this as protecting your daughter from the kind of experience you had. Family bonds do not excuse vile behaviour. Your job is to protect her from it.

If your parents apologised and genuinely tried to behave differently then it would be a different matter. But you have no evidence of this at the moment.

Also regarding your mother seeing you a 'resource', this time as a resource for a cute little grand daughter?

YOU are not important to her, otherwise she wouldn't have cut you off, what you can provide for HER is. Tell your uncle to relay to them in no uncertain terms to 'fuck off and when you get there, fuck off again'. If he tries to 'turn' you, I would seriously consider his relationship to you. TBH if he knows your parents cut YOU off, he has got a bloody cheek doing their dirty work, especially as they ostracized him as well. You are aware that he is probably relaying every conversation he has with you/everything you do back to them?

Lose the guilt, they are not worthy of it only took me two years of deep emotional pain and distress to realise that, two years that I can never get back

I had amazing wonderful grandparents and I'm so sad that my DD does not have that experience

I assume that is because your grandparents were nice people?

Becoming a grandparent doesn't suddenly imbue you with all the virtues of a silver-haired, apple-cheeked, cuddly saint.

If you've been vile to your children you are a vile person and you want to get at your grandchildren to continue the vileness against their parent (and add some for them as a fortuitous by-product.)

Do not give them the opportunity.

IME nasty manipulative people tend to get worse with age, not better. Stay in your happy place and don't involve your daughter with these people. Sounds like they pretty much want unsupervised contact (Unsupervised by a parent in any case) and that in itself tells you something about them and their intentions.

"Even after all the good advice, I'm still in two minds as I'm not sure I could live with the guilt if anything happened to them and I hadn't given them at least a chance to make some amends with my DD".

This above quaint, naïve and damaging notion is really your misplaced guilt talking here. Silence your guilt. Do you think your parents feel at all guilty; not a chance. You do realise that guilt is one of three of many damaging legacies left by such toxic parents like yours are to their now adult offspring. FOG is fear, obligation, guilt. Do not be mired in guilt.

They do not give a shiny fig about you or your child honestly; why else have they used the winged monkey uncle of yours - it is to do their dirty work for them.

What about them making amends with you firstly?. They will never do that because such people never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions.

Your grandparents were nice thankfully but your parents are completely and utterly different. You need to let go of societal conventional thinking here that all children need a relationship with their grandparents; they certainly do not.

You will kick yourself roundly from here to kingdom come if winged uncle facilitates them meeting her because she will be manipulated and used to their own ends. They will use her to get back at you. Do not ever subject your child to their emotional manipulation.

"I had amazing wonderful grandparents and I'm so sad that my DD does not have that experience"

Its still not your fault and its not your fault your parents are the ways they are.

My grandparents were also lovely and whilst it is sad that my child does not that I would rather he have emotionally healthy and positive role models rather than seeing two emotionally unhealthy and self absorbed people because they are "family".

My late FIL was a completely selfish and self absorbed individual and he and MIL were well suited.

Not being rude but are you english-english or xxx-english?

Hereandtherex - wtf?

Say no.

See what their reaction is.

That will tell you all you need to know...

I grew up having never met my mums mother. I've never missed what I never had and saw no reason to meet her as an adult when she sent my dad a letter to pass on to me.

The way I saw it, things must have been desperate for my mum to have gone NC and I trusted her judgement.

She's since died, my mum did see her before she died but I didnt. I've never regretted it.

No, your parents are just looking for another toy target, nothing more delicious than an innocent child. Let them use, nay consume, someone else. I agree with pps. Imho, it has to be a zero tolerance rule because anything, however slight, will be a seed to be nurtured by them. It is bait; just leave it.

My toxic sister has never met my dd2 (she'll be 7 in March). She has never asked to meet dd2. I used to say to myself that if she had just asked then I would immediately agree and be cordial and nice, etc etc. But. That is very simplistic and does not take into account other factors. The main one being dd1 suffers from a collection of mh problems. I dare not let toxic sister find out about dd1 because she has form for using information against people at a later date. It is complicated.

Thank you for the thread, OP. Good luck. Perhaps think about calibrating your boundaries with your uncle too?

I have a MIL who is mostly great. FIL was fantastic but is sadly deceased.

When MIL is not great, she will be cold and stonewall my 4 yr old who adores her Granny and has no idea why Granny is suddenly cold and standoffish for some imagined slight or bad behaviour [of the normal 4yo variety]

MIL was NC with her mum who she said was a vicious old troll. It is becoming apparent as MIL gets older that she is developing many of the manipulative traits her mother had. All her children now regularly chat on the phone and compare notes about what they have been credited/discredited with recently

I have no idea what happened with your parents but it is not pleasant to see the hurt in a small childs eyes and loss of trust that comes with dealing with an adult who is moody, controlling and manipulative or fawning. Thankfully we see little of her but DH has lost complete interest in moving to be near her or involving her in any way in regular child care or support.

Haven't read the whole thread but had to say no no no!!!!

How dare they ask to meet your little dd when they don't want anything to do with you?! Not a chance I would send my child into that situation ever.

If they are too toxic for you, they are too toxic for your child. Simple as that. Don't do it, you'll regret it.

Don't feel guilty.

Op - if they HAVEN'T had this epithany that you long for, how much can they mess with your DC head before you stop contact?

Don't risk it, please.

Don't do it.

They have shown what type of parents and people they are - not only treating you appallingly but also ostracising anyone who is in contact with you.

Your DD may only be 2y but she can still be manipulated.

What if your parents live another 15-20y (not unusual these days)? They could form a harmful relationship with your DD into her teens/20's, even turn her against you.

You don't owe them anything.

Your duty of care is to your daughter who will have no idea what type of people they are and is risk of emotional abuse by them.

Ask yourself: if your parents physically beat you from a young age would you let your daughter meet with them and potentially form a relationship?

Emotional abuse is just as bad.

Don't do it.

They don't get to be grandparents until they have proven they can be decent parents.
Access to your DC can only be through you. They can't try to pretend you don't exist. You guys are a package deal. You need strong evidence they have changed before you even think about doing this.

No.

It won't stop there if you do.

a chance to make some amends with my DD.

Your DD is not the one she needs to make amends to.
I usually hate American platitudes but the man who said to me, "My grandchildren are the prize I got for being nice to my son and daughter" got it right.